Guys....help me understand this :)

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J

Jullianna

Guest
#1
#1
If I have something to say to a guy, I like to just say it calmly and rationally, and let it go. I won't nag or repeat myself, even if it's something that really bugs me. And sometimes that one thing, said one time, is/was critical to continuing the relationship.

BUT...it seems like guys don't remember what you said or don't think you really meant what you said if you only say it one time. Then, when things don't work out they seem surprised, even though you clearly explained it...but only once, and they either didn't get it or don't even remember you said it.

Do guys expect us to yell or nag them about things that are important?

Why is that? I don't get it. Help please. :)
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#2
#2
My suggestion, is that its become kind of a cultural expectation that women nag in relationships. And, there maybe be some element of truth to it, though women may not see it as 'nagging'. Call it whatever you want. What happens is when behavior is repeated, people begin to expect it. An example, is my friend was told never to yell at her children, because it teaches them the only time she is serious and needs to be obeyed is when she yells. The more she yells, the more she has to yell. Perhaps the same concept is going on here. Men expect to be told something 100 times by a woman, because he's conditioned either through real situations, or just tv and movies, and that if she doesn't repeat it she must not mean it. Of course that idea isn't true, but you can understand, potentially, how that behavior could be learned.
 
F

flight316

Guest
#3
#3
Some guys just aren't used to that type of woman. In my experiance I've dealt with more nagging women than any other typeit takes a certain type of man to get the message the first time and respond appropriately to it . It also depends on what you are asking of him.
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#4
Aug 2, 2009
24,581
4,269
113
#4
Jullianna said:
If I have something to say to a guy, I like to just say it calmly and rationally, and let it go. I won't nag or repeat myself, even if it's something that really bugs me. And sometimes that one thing, said one time, is/was critical to continuing the relationship.

BUT...it seems like guys don't remember what you said or don't think you really meant what you said if you only say it one time. Then, when things don't work out they seem surprised, even though you clearly explained it...but only once, and they either didn't get it or don't even remember you said it.

Do guys expect us to yell or nag them about things that are important?

Why is that? I don't get it. Help please. :)
Click to expand...
Its not you. It's the guy you told it to. A true gentleman would take note of what you said and respect the fact that it was something important to you.
 
R

Rashmi

Guest
#5
#5
Hey....im very new to this room...teach me how to chat....
 
Jilly81

Jilly81

Senior Member
#6
Jan 16, 2011
2,365
136
63
#6
Rashmi, click the link in my signature :).
 
N

nw2u

Guest
#7
#7
Jullianna said:
If I have something to say to a guy, I like to just say it calmly and rationally, and let it go. I won't nag or repeat myself, even if it's something that really bugs me. And sometimes that one thing, said one time, is/was critical to continuing the relationship.

BUT...it seems like guys don't remember what you said or don't think you really meant what you said if you only say it one time. Then, when things don't work out they seem surprised, even though you clearly explained it...but only once, and they either didn't get it or don't even remember you said it.

Do guys expect us to yell or nag them about things that are important?

Why is that? I don't get it. Help please. :)
Click to expand...
Maybe I would have been better off if I would have done this differently. I may have missed many opportunities to discuss issues and change myself for the better.

When something was important to me, and I mean important enough to look for change, I did not just mention it in general conversation and expect a change to occur. I would really sit down and want to talk about that one topic. I wanted to hear my ex's responses. I wanted to hear what she planned to do.

i thought that was the way to do things. It is so much simpler than just guessing and when I am serious about someone, I want to do things for them. I thought, "Just tell me what you want."

I figured she would update me on her progress. Did she think it wasn't important? What did she do so far? Did she think I was being unfair? Is there something I need to change about myself or what I do? What did you discover?

I believe, working together is all-important to a good relationship. If it is worth getting married, it is worth putting the effort into it.

For me something said in a general conversation doesn't stand out as much. i guess this is a flaw I need to work on. I will try to remember this and ask more questions when and if I ever get into another relationship.

I will also try to adapt this to my everyday life. The only issue I have is, I can start to worry about every little thing. That is not good for any kind of relationship.
 
PopClick

PopClick

Senior Member
#8
Aug 12, 2011
4,056
137
63
#8
I'm not a guy, so maybe my response doesn't count. But when I have something to say that's really important, I try to preface it with a quick "I really need you to listen for a second", or something like that. And sometimes I end with, "I won't bring it up again." Since I don't usually say that I need them to listen, they will know that it was more than just a passing thought. And if it's something that will get a yes or no answer from the other person, I don't bother with the preface.
 
Nautilus

Nautilus

Senior Member
#9
Jun 29, 2012
6,488
53
48
#9
Yes. And additional text to be long enough to post.
 
N

nw2u

Guest
#10
#10
Nautilus said:
Yes. And additional text to be long enough to post.
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LOL and ten extra characters as well. This is annoying. Maybe I will go to that thread and post. :)
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#11
#11
Popclick, I like your ideas better than nagging. :)

Thanks all :)

LOL@ Nautilus and nw2u
 
Nautilus

Nautilus

Senior Member
#12
Jun 29, 2012
6,488
53
48
#12
As a guy, things have levels of importance based on how often i hear about them. It's like college. If a professor mentions something multiple times you can be sure it will be on the exam, hence important. A lot of stuff that gets mentioned once, nevers shows up again.
 
Oncefallen

Oncefallen

Idiot in Chief
Staff member
#13
Jan 15, 2011
6,031
3,273
113
#13
I'm really in agreement with both PopClick and nw2u as far as not mentioning something important buried it the context of some other conversation, and likewise making sure the other person is paying attention. I can't count the number of times I've seen people tell their significant other something really important while the recipient of the information was doing something else and then gotten irritated when they didn't remember it.

Likewise communication involves not only the person hearing what is said but also understanding the information in the way that the person communicating intended it to be understood including the level of importance. Of course there are those people who are so self absorbed that no matter how something is communicated they won't get it just because it doesn't matter to them.



 
AsifinPassing

AsifinPassing

Senior Member
#14
Jul 13, 2010
3,608
40
48
#14
My array of responses:

A Tale of Two Brains - YouTube

Men's Brain Women's Brain - Ram and Multi-tasking - YouTube

Now, once you've watched those, let me say that there is a lot more to it, as you'll see if you ever watch the series.

That said, in general (buy and large), most men will NEVER remember something you ONLY told them ONE time. Seriously. We're just wired differently that way.


Now, if it was particularly emotional/impactful, then yes, or if he just has a particularly gifted (or photographic) memory. Otherwise, don't count on it.

When you speak to a guy, make sure you have his *full* attention (because you probably don't), try not to make it too long (because it won't compute), and tell him more than once (because he'll forget). ^_^
 
dothackzero

dothackzero

Banned
#15
May 4, 2009
1,534
6
0
#15
Jullianna said:
If I have something to say to a guy, I like to just say it calmly and rationally, and let it go. I won't nag or repeat myself, even if it's something that really bugs me. And sometimes that one thing, said one time, is/was critical to continuing the relationship.

BUT...it seems like guys don't remember what you said or don't think you really meant what you said if you only say it one time. Then, when things don't work out they seem surprised, even though you clearly explained it...but only once, and they either didn't get it or don't even remember you said it.

Do guys expect us to yell or nag them about things that are important?

Why is that? I don't get it. Help please. :)
Click to expand...
Nagging gets really annoying, but sometimes things need to be said more than once.
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#16
#16
Okay..I got it :) -

How to tell a guy something important

1. Grab him by the shoulders and shake three times
2. Look him in the eye and ask, Hey! Are you in there?
3. Say whatever I have to say
4. Repeat as necessary

:D
 
Oncefallen

Oncefallen

Idiot in Chief
Staff member
#18
Jan 15, 2011
6,031
3,273
113
#18
Jullianna said:
Okay..I got it :) -

How to tell a guy something important

1. Grab him by the shoulders and shake three times
2. Look him in the eye and ask, Hey! Are you in there?
3. Say whatever I have to say
4. Repeat as necessary

:D
Click to expand...
Reminds me of the directions on a shampoo bottle. :D
 
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