How do I move past the regrets of my part in the divorce?

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Lori_Jn316

New member
Oct 9, 2024
10
6
3
#1
There were so many issues in my marriage. All I wanted for the longest time was to be freed from the trap I felt I was in. Now I regret my part in the demise of our relationship. I wish I would have tried harder, done more.

God has been working in my life and it's so cool how close I am growing to him! So that part is a gift for sure! And truly I want to get to a point where I am so close to Jesus that I am totally fine with being single for the rest of my life. If that's what he calls me to do.

However, I am just really struggling as right now all I want is my old life back with my ex.

Part of me just keeps hoping and praying that God will restore our relationship. He has not as of yet remarried.

How do I move past my regrets? I just feel like my life is wrecked and I feel like it's my fault.
 

ResidentAlien

Well-known member
Apr 21, 2021
8,338
3,631
113
#2
There were so many issues in my marriage. All I wanted for the longest time was to be freed from the trap I felt I was in. Now I regret my part in the demise of our relationship. I wish I would have tried harder, done more.

God has been working in my life and it's so cool how close I am growing to him! So that part is a gift for sure! And truly I want to get to a point where I am so close to Jesus that I am totally fine with being single for the rest of my life. If that's what he calls me to do.

However, I am just really struggling as right now all I want is my old life back with my ex.

Part of me just keeps hoping and praying that God will restore our relationship. He has not as of yet remarried.

How do I move past my regrets? I just feel like my life is wrecked and I feel like it's my fault.
Hi and welcome to the forum. As long as you're thinking there may still be a chance of reconciliation you won't be able to move on. I'm not saying you shouldn't be reconciled, but just remember there was a reason you divorced in the first place. Speaking from personal experience, the mind sometimes has selective memory. If you're hurting, you want relief, and your mind tells you the quickest way to get relief is to recover what was lost. It'll take time to heal. Just take it one day at a time. Maybe you could try to find some activities you could get involved in with some other positive people. That's a great way to take your mind off your worries. Best wishes.
 

Godsgirl1983

Well-known member
Feb 2, 2023
1,743
1,057
113
#3
Part of me just keeps hoping and praying that God will restore our relationship. He has not as of yet remarried.

How do I move past my regrets?
It's really hard to give an answer on a forum to a complete stranger about a situation in which you know really nothing about, but I'll try.

Perhaps you need to go to this man and, if he's willing, talk this all out. Might be easier, if he's willing, to do so with a pastor or Christian counseling service. Reconciliation isn't going to have a chance of happening until someone makes the first move. Maybe start by getting some (Christian based) counseling yourself first, and then after you've worked through some of these issues yourself (with your counselors guidance) invite him to join.
 

Hui1

Active member
Jun 13, 2023
171
56
28
41
#4
There were so many issues in my marriage. All I wanted for the longest time was to be freed from the trap I felt I was in. Now I regret my part in the demise of our relationship. I wish I would have tried harder, done more.

God has been working in my life and it's so cool how close I am growing to him! So that part is a gift for sure! And truly I want to get to a point where I am so close to Jesus that I am totally fine with being single for the rest of my life. If that's what he calls me to do.

However, I am just really struggling as right now all I want is my old life back with my ex.

Part of me just keeps hoping and praying that God will restore our relationship. He has not as of yet remarried.

How do I move past my regrets? I just feel like my life is wrecked and I feel like it's my fault.
If you are still in love with him, why did you choose to divorce in the first place? When you find out that you are still in love with your ex after your divorce, it is very contradictory and regrettable! I hope you can find the right solution! May God bless you and have mercy on you, and may God's word comfort and warm your heart.
 

Cameron143

Well-known member
Mar 1, 2022
19,551
6,715
113
62
#5
There were so many issues in my marriage. All I wanted for the longest time was to be freed from the trap I felt I was in. Now I regret my part in the demise of our relationship. I wish I would have tried harder, done more.

God has been working in my life and it's so cool how close I am growing to him! So that part is a gift for sure! And truly I want to get to a point where I am so close to Jesus that I am totally fine with being single for the rest of my life. If that's what he calls me to do.

However, I am just really struggling as right now all I want is my old life back with my ex.

Part of me just keeps hoping and praying that God will restore our relationship. He has not as of yet remarried.

How do I move past my regrets? I just feel like my life is wrecked and I feel like it's my fault.
In Philippians 3:13 it says that Paul forgets those things which are behind and presses towards a life with Christ.
His past included murder, which probably caused him great regret. But you seem to be on the right path. You are beginning to find life in Christ. Pursue this with your whole heart. In doing so, you will begin to delight in the Lord. And as you do, God will give you the desires of your heart...Psalm 37:4.
This doesn't mean that you will receive your current desires; rather God will fill your heart with good and holy desires. But what you once saw as gain will be gladly given up for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ. This is what happened to Paul...Philippians 3:7-8.
This doesn't mean you shouldn't desire restoration in your marriage. But it will mean you will desire restoration for very different reasons.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
42,616
17,074
113
69
Tennessee
#6
There are many others here that can tell of their own marital horror stories too so please know that you are not alone in this. Glad to have you join us. Welcome to CC.
 
Oct 9, 2024
10
6
3
#7
It's really hard to give an answer on a forum to a complete stranger about a situation in which you know really nothing about, but I'll try.

Perhaps you need to go to this man and, if he's willing, talk this all out. Might be easier, if he's willing, to do so with a pastor or Christian counseling service. Reconciliation isn't going to have a chance of happening until someone makes the first move. Maybe start by getting some (Christian based) counseling yourself first, and then after you've worked through some of these issues yourself (with your counselors guidance) invite him to join.

Thank you! I actually did hi talk to him and he said that he is not where he needs to be with God at all right now and he said that I wouldn't want him the way he is right now anyway. He also said there are things he WONT give up right now. He said maybe God would bring us back together down the road, but it's painful that he's choosing worldly pleasures over God. And I feel rejected. Just stinks.
 
Oct 9, 2024
10
6
3
#9
In Philippians 3:13 it says that Paul forgets those things which are behind and presses towards a life with Christ.
His past included murder, which probably caused him great regret. But you seem to be on the right path. You are beginning to find life in Christ. Pursue this with your whole heart. In doing so, you will begin to delight in the Lord. And as you do, God will give you the desires of your heart...Psalm 37:4.
This doesn't mean that you will receive your current desires; rather God will fill your heart with good and holy desires. But what you once saw as gain will be gladly given up for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ. This is what happened to Paul...Philippians 3:7-8.
This doesn't mean you shouldn't desire restoration in your marriage. But it will mean you will desire restoration for very different reasons.
Wow!! This is EXACTLY what I feel God has been telling me!! Phil 3:13 even came into my mind. Thank you so much for posting this!! ❤️🙏. I'm struggling between what I know/feel spiritually and my human suffering. I keep trying to remind myself of the blessings I DO have and that truly, all that matters at the end of life is our relationship with Christ and allowing Him to work through us to further His Kingdom. I know all of this, yet my emotions are so painful right now. I am hoping/praying that the closer I get to Jesus, the more the pain will subside and I will truly be relying on Jesus for everything!
 

GRACE_ambassador

Well-known member
Feb 22, 2021
3,227
1,621
113
Midwest
#10
I know all of this, yet my emotions are so painful right now. I am hoping/praying that the closer I get to Jesus, the more the pain will subside and I will truly be relying on Jesus for everything!
Precious friend, Lori_Jn316, praying for you; Please be Very Richly Encouraged and
Comforted In:

God’s Grace Word For our infirmities!

Amen.
 

JohnDB

Well-known member
Jan 16, 2021
6,241
2,535
113
#12
For whatever reason you were attracted to someone that was not a good leader for you.
I'm sure he had his reasons for leaving just like you did. It takes two to love and make a marriage....it only requires one to cause a divorce.

So....
Here's the stats.
65% of all second marriages FAIL. meaning only 1 in 3 are successful.
Because so few seek good counseling to discover what went wrong and why...and you can't really own your part until you really understand what it really was and WHY you did your part.

90% of those who date within 2 years of the ink on the divorce decree will have yet another failed marriage.

Statistics for third marriages? Only 1 in 4 work out.

Do not seek to replace what is lost. It's gone...never to return. What you really really need to focus on is being extremely comfortable living the single life and making friends. Make your life whole again. Then if someone comes along....you can date and see if a relationship is worth pursuing. But he needs to be leading you closer to God...not further away. Meaning that he already has a committed relationship with God and is exhibiting fruits of that relationship.
 

Krumbeard

Well-known member
Apr 15, 2019
1,139
773
113
#13
There were so many issues in my marriage. All I wanted for the longest time was to be freed from the trap I felt I was in. Now I regret my part in the demise of our relationship. I wish I would have tried harder, done more.

God has been working in my life and it's so cool how close I am growing to him! So that part is a gift for sure! And truly I want to get to a point where I am so close to Jesus that I am totally fine with being single for the rest of my life. If that's what he calls me to do.

However, I am just really struggling as right now all I want is my old life back with my ex.

Part of me just keeps hoping and praying that God will restore our relationship. He has not as of yet remarried.

How do I move past my regrets? I just feel like my life is wrecked and I feel like it's my fault.
Welcome!

The only person you can change is you by the grace of God.
Seek counsel, be in God's word, in prayer and follow the path of repentance.
Keep a contrite heart.

I don't mean this to be condescending, I have my own issues I am working through in life. Regrets can be burdensome and can get me stuck. I need to keep moving and be reminded of God's promises.
It can often feel like 3 steps forward and two steps back. But there is forward progress.
I need to be continually reminded that I am forgiven and that God can and is transforming me.

Stay in Christ!
 

HealthAndHappiness

Well-known member
Jul 7, 2022
10,318
4,364
113
Almost Heaven West Virginia
#14
There were so many issues in my marriage. All I wanted for the longest time was to be freed from the trap I felt I was in. Now I regret my part in the demise of our relationship. I wish I would have tried harder, done more.

God has been working in my life and it's so cool how close I am growing to him! So that part is a gift for sure! And truly I want to get to a point where I am so close to Jesus that I am totally fine with being single for the rest of my life. If that's what he calls me to do.

However, I am just really struggling as right now all I want is my old life back with my ex.

Part of me just keeps hoping and praying that God will restore our relationship. He has not as of yet remarried.

How do I move past my regrets? I just feel like my life is wrecked and I feel like it's my fault.


May you nurture that wholesome desire and the Lord answer your prayers for such. It is encouraging to hear that you want what the Lord desires.

The Bible tells us what He has called us to do in I Corinthians 7:10-11

10And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: 11But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.

As much as I have heard pastors wring many exceptions from their opinions as they could think of for their 2nd, 3rd and 4th wives, God is clear on the subject. Once we get that out of the way, because He already made that decision, then it's time to go to the next step. How do two people with such conflicts that make being together unbearable turn that around?

First off, it has to be God's way or it won't work. Hopefully you both are on the same page with that. Perhaps if that's not the case, God can make him so miserable that he will Turn to Christ.< He will need God's direction as we all do. That comes after deciding to trust Jesus for salvation. Then the Holy Spirit will live within and the Scriptures will be available for understanding what is required for successful marriage. A large part of that might be appropriate conflict resolution, addiction or something that shouldn't be publicly mentioned. Whatever it is or combination of things you should both work on, I suggest this.

A. Develope a habit of starting and ending every day reading the Bible.

B. Find a good Bible believing church that preaches on the tough issues concerning marriage. The pastor should not be divorced or believe in a way out. That should not be the option or when married couples hit difficult seasons, they will often be tempted to opt for the pastor's option.

C. I would also beware of temptations that will definitely come to commit adultery. Avoid close associations with other men. Avoid being alone with them too.

D. I would keep a journal or monthly planner of character flaws, goals, progress, prayer requests and answers to prayer. A planner will make this easily to organize and track progress.

I pray for your restoration and that you both will have much peace and contentment.
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
4,081
3,184
113
#15
Thank you! I actually did hi talk to him and he said that he is not where he needs to be with God at all right now and he said that I wouldn't want him the way he is right now anyway. He also said there are things he WONT give up right now. He said maybe God would bring us back together down the road, but it's painful that he's choosing worldly pleasures over God. And I feel rejected. Just stinks.
It's very easy and normal to look at a situation and think of your viewpoint and how you're affected. Or thinking it's about you.
The reality is neither love nor marriage is a magic fix for the struggles people face inside. Struggles that have nothing to do with you, personally. Especially ones that may have been around for years or decades. Things they may have even hidden from you.

What he's experiencing is personal to him, it sounds like. Battling through some things and, it definitely feels like rejection on your end, according to what you're telling us he said, in his mind he may believe he's protecting you... from himself. Which is a form of sacrifice.
And, naturally, you being outside this would feel it's better to go through it together and that you want to help.
As a person that's been on both sides of this i can say, seeing each sides view, both make sense. I've pushed people away when I was suffering and I've been pushed away when others were suffering. Each side has a mindset that the other can't understand. And, again, it's not personal.

Also consider this may be part of his spiritual journey. Something God wants him to go through to grow him in the long run.
Afterwards he may want to reconcile, and he may not. The best you can do is move on with your life, yet keep communication open, without the goal of urging him to get back together. Rather keep it open to show your worry for him and continue offering to help.
But if you do this you'll need to be prepared to stay single for as long as you hold onto him. No other man will have a chance with you. And if he chooses not to reconcile in the end, be prepared for that and staying single even longer to take time to heal.

I knew someone wanting to reconcile after a divorce. He waited years, convinced God wanted them back together. And that may have been true. But she was already remarried. And never returned to him. He himself remarried, after waiting so long for someone that perhaps didn't do what God wanted them to do.

It's a tough situation. Dealing with people is always a risk. There are no guarantees.
I once knew a woman that was a pastors wife of a Baptist minister in the bible belt. They had 4 kids and married decades. And she happily lived as expected to for a pastors wife. Then randomly one day she flipped. She told me she didn't even know why or what happened. But she began sleeping around. Having men come to her house while her 3 year old was home (she kept him away from the men). Finally she settled on a Buddhist man she got serious with. Her husband eventually found out, you can imagine the blowout. Basically he compromised to keep her, worried about his reputation as a pastor. To keep her from cheating he did things for her he did not believe were right. And it seemed to work for a while, but if I recall that didn't last very long before she wanted to start finding men again.
I'm not suggesting that's your ex, just an example of the drastic changes people can go through.

Of course all of this is based on the information you've given so far. More information may alter the response.
 

daisyseesthesun

Well-known member
Aug 23, 2024
706
407
63
#16
Lori,

Divorce is always a difficult decision, especially if you are a homemaker or you have children. It is also important to consider what type a man you had was he faithful? Was he a Christian? Is he willing to become a Christian can he really change? is he a lost cause? when my mom was getting a divorce my great grandma said "if he doesn't love you or appreciate you. You've done and ruined your life you will look back and always regret the time you spent on that man. Be like Gloria belting that song "i will survive!" My moms never regretted it. She opened a business, she learned to build, to farm, and she learned to completely trust in the Lord. She walked by faith all her life she never counted anything. I can't tell you how many times I was always amazed when I was a little girl how she always had just enough for groceries up to the the last penny at times. Now that was when we were young but times are different now and the stigma of being single women working and there's daycare now is all much easier than it was back then if you have children.
 
Oct 9, 2024
10
6
3
#17
Hi and welcome to the forum. As long as you're thinking there may still be a chance of reconciliation you won't be able to move on. I'm not saying you shouldn't be reconciled, but just remember there was a reason you divorced in the first place. Speaking from personal experience, the mind sometimes has selective memory. If you're hurting, you want relief, and your mind tells you the quickest way to get relief is to recover what was lost. It'll take time to heal. Just take it one day at a time. Maybe you could try to find some activities you could get involved in with some other positive people. That's a great way to take your mind off your worries. Best wishes.
So true!! Thank you! ❤️
For whatever reason you were attracted to someone that was not a good leader for you.
I'm sure he had his reasons for leaving just like you did. It takes two to love and make a marriage....it only requires one to cause a divorce.

So....
Here's the stats.
65% of all second marriages FAIL. meaning only 1 in 3 are successful.
Because so few seek good counseling to discover what went wrong and why...and you can't really own your part until you really understand what it really was and WHY you did your part.

90% of those who date within 2 years of the ink on the divorce decree will have yet another failed marriage.

Statistics for third marriages? Only 1 in 4 work out.

Do not seek to replace what is lost. It's gone...never to return. What you really really need to focus on is being extremely comfortable living the single life and making friends. Make your life whole again. Then if someone comes along....you can date and see if a relationship is worth pursuing. But he needs to be leading you closer to God...not further away. Meaning that he already has a committed relationship with God and is exhibiting fruits of that relationship.
This is excellent advice! Thank you so much!! It's funny, because I wanted my ex to be the spiritual leader and you are correct that he was not.

I keep hearing thoughts tell me "Don't desire to go back to the leeks and onions". I'm still trying to discern if that's God's voice, my own thoughts, or the enemy.

Regardless, I do believe that you are correct that my focus needs to be on my relationship with Jesus and learning to trust him to the point where I am content being single! I'm actually praying that God will help me establish a group of friends that I can hang out with and do life with. I have a lot of great girlfriends, but they are all busy raising kids and they aren't a "group" that hangs out together.

Thanks again and God bless! 🙏🙏
 
Oct 9, 2024
10
6
3
#18
Lori,

Divorce is always a difficult decision, especially if you are a homemaker or you have children. It is also important to consider what type a man you had was he faithful? Was he a Christian? Is he willing to become a Christian can he really change? is he a lost cause? when my mom was getting a divorce my great grandma said "if he doesn't love you or appreciate you. You've done and ruined your life you will look back and always regret the time you spent on that man. Be like Gloria belting that song "i will survive!" My moms never regretted it. She opened a business, she learned to build, to farm, and she learned to completely trust in the Lord. She walked by faith all her life she never counted anything. I can't tell you how many times I was always amazed when I was a little girl how she always had just enough for groceries up to the the last penny at times. Now that was when we were young but times are different now and the stigma of being single women working and there's daycare now is all much easier than it was back then if you have children.
Thank you for sharing this story! Very encouraging!
 
Oct 9, 2024
10
6
3
#19
It's very easy and normal to look at a situation and think of your viewpoint and how you're affected. Or thinking it's about you.
The reality is neither love nor marriage is a magic fix for the struggles people face inside. Struggles that have nothing to do with you, personally. Especially ones that may have been around for years or decades. Things they may have even hidden from you.

What he's experiencing is personal to him, it sounds like. Battling through some things and, it definitely feels like rejection on your end, according to what you're telling us he said, in his mind he may believe he's protecting you... from himself. Which is a form of sacrifice.
And, naturally, you being outside this would feel it's better to go through it together and that you want to help.
As a person that's been on both sides of this i can say, seeing each sides view, both make sense. I've pushed people away when I was suffering and I've been pushed away when others were suffering. Each side has a mindset that the other can't understand. And, again, it's not personal.

Also consider this may be part of his spiritual journey. Something God wants him to go through to grow him in the long run.
Afterwards he may want to reconcile, and he may not. The best you can do is move on with your life, yet keep communication open, without the goal of urging him to get back together. Rather keep it open to show your worry for him and continue offering to help.
But if you do this you'll need to be prepared to stay single for as long as you hold onto him. No other man will have a chance with you. And if he chooses not to reconcile in the end, be prepared for that and staying single even longer to take time to heal.

I knew someone wanting to reconcile after a divorce. He waited years, convinced God wanted them back together. And that may have been true. But she was already remarried. And never returned to him. He himself remarried, after waiting so long for someone that perhaps didn't do what God wanted them to do.

It's a tough situation. Dealing with people is always a risk. There are no guarantees.
I once knew a woman that was a pastors wife of a Baptist minister in the bible belt. They had 4 kids and married decades. And she happily lived as expected to for a pastors wife. Then randomly one day she flipped. She told me she didn't even know why or what happened. But she began sleeping around. Having men come to her house while her 3 year old was home (she kept him away from the men). Finally she settled on a Buddhist man she got serious with. Her husband eventually found out, you can imagine the blowout. Basically he compromised to keep her, worried about his reputation as a pastor. To keep her from cheating he did things for her he did not believe were right. And it seemed to work for a while, but if I recall that didn't last very long before she wanted to start finding men again.
I'm not suggesting that's your ex, just an example of the drastic changes people can go through.

Of course all of this is based on the information you've given so far. More information may alter the response.
Wow! It's like God is speaking directly to me through all of you on this thread! And it's obvious He is giving you the words to speak. Without you knowing all of the details you have definitely hit on things that were very true in my marriage. Crazy how He does that! I love it!

My ex did cheat and had other issues that were an ungodly struggle for him. And I did compromise a lot with boundaries in order to try and keep the peace. Just like the pastor you knew.

And I love what you said about holding on for so long that it could take longer to be available for a potential mate God may have in store for me. I do need to move on with my life, embrace my singleness for now, and consider this time I have with no distractions as a gift to keep focusing on my relationship with Jesus. I know I'm my heart that if I seek Him and His Kingdom first, He will provide everything He knows I truly need, including a godly man if that's what He has in store.

Thank you for hearing God and sharing your thoughts!
 
Oct 9, 2024
10
6
3
#20
Welcome!

Regrets can be burdensome and can get me stuck. I need to keep moving and be reminded of God's promises. QUOTE]

I just yesterday watched a message from Steve Furtick entitled "I'm not stuck unless I stop!". Thank you for sharing your thoughts as that is confirmation that I need to keep moving forward (Phil 3:13)