"If I Can't Find My Ready-Made Unicorn, I Can Turn YOU Into One!"

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seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
12,882
3,133
113
#1
Hey Everyone,

Lately I have been thinking about how it seems that many people (including myself) fall into the trap of wanting to believe that the "perfect" person is out there just waiting for us. After all, as Christians, we know that God wants the "best" for us... so surely His best would mean finding that one magical unicorn who checks off all the boxes, right? I can only speak for myself, but I have especially noticed this kind of thinking in online dating.

One of my greatest discouragements in the dating world is that most of other site members I talked with told me all about what they wanted in a woman, or what they required her to be in order to be "the one true helper God has for me":

1. I need a woman who will cook, clean house, and fit in seamlessly with my existing family (with or without children and/or ex[es], overbearing parents, etc.)
2. I need a woman with a good job so she can help me with the bills.
3. I need a woman who will learn my language/culture/follow all my family's customs and expectations to perfection so that I can meet all the requirements that my family has set for me.
4. I need a woman who is willing to have sex with me whenever I want, and in whatever way I want it.
5. I need a woman who will make me happy and make sure that I never feel lonely again.
6. I need a woman who will accept all my flaws (such as picking me up when I'm drunk), tell me it's going to be ok, and that she forgive me and loves me all the same no matter how many times I do this, and that she will NEVER leave me, no matter what I do.

Now, I understand the important of all of these things. I'm certainly not trying to say that each of these points wouldn't be something to consider in a Godly marriage, to the extent that it would be possible. And, I AM NOT saying at all that women don't have their lists as well (I'll get to that in just a moment.)

But the part that discouraged me and eventually made me take a long (several years) break from dating in general (not just online), is that I can't recall any of the men from the dating sites I was on ever asking me what I might want or need in a relationship; no one asked me what my dreams were, or why, or how I might need assistance in order to meet them, and what part they could play in that.

If someone would have done that, he would have definitely gotten my attention. Rather, it was as if there was an assumption that because a women is supposed to be a Godly help-mate, her life's dream, calling, and biggest fulfillment in life... is to be turned into anything and everything her husband wants and needs. It's as if some people seem to translate "help-mate" into -- "being, or becoming, everything I want."

Now on the flip side, I'm sure that many gentlemen here have been around ladies who have done the SAME thing--someone has tried to turn them, or use them, for everything she wanted or needed as well. Maybe some men feel that some (not all, but some) women seem to think of "a man as the provider" means, "the man should be buying/giving me EVERYTHING I want and need."

Both perspectives are obviously unbalanced (and not at all fair.)

In my own observation, it's as if someone (whether man or woman) is thinking, "I can't find my ready-made unicorn... So I'll just turn you (the person right in front of me, or the person who seems close enough) into my own personal unicorn instead!"

Now of course, I've been guilty of this myself. I remember trying to change someone's love language (quality time and presence) into my personal love language of choice (expression through words and verbal communication.) In my frustration and failure to recognize that people express and accept love in different ways, I interpreted this as meaning that the other person just didn't care.

Additionally, I can admit to being more malleable in the past and more willing to allow someone to try to change me into what they wanted to try to win their love/approval, or, most importantly to me at the time, to try to ensure that I wouldn't be alone. However, I always came back to being myself, which would always wind up dissolving the relationship.

These past several years, I have been trying to work on more of a balanced outlook and lifestyle. How about the rest of you?

* Has someone ever tried to change you according to their own liking and/or needs? How did it go?

* Did you accept these changes willingly or did you try to resist? Do you still feel caught in that same cycle, or have you (or are you) breaking free, and
how?

* Have you ever tried to make someone into what you wanted them to be? What were the results?

* In what ways have your experiences changed your current/future decisions about relationships?

By the way, this topic isn't just limited to relationships. I'm sure many people have experienced this within families and many other situations, such as a parent who tries to mold their child into being their own version of a "dream child."

I would love to hear about your experiences, what you've learned, and what advice you have for others who are caught in the middle of this destructive cycle--whether they are trying to change someone, or someone is trying to change them.

God bless!
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
17,251
4,298
113
#2
As I am single I have no horse in this race. But this should be an interesting thread to watch. :cool:

I am reminded of an old saying.
"A woman marries a man hoping he will change.
A man marries a woman hoping she will never change.
Both are disappointed."

And if we are expanding the topic to include anybody trying to change anybody, I am reminded of preacher's children. "Aw you're going to grow up to be a pastor like your daddy." No wonder so many PKs rebel.
 

Tommy379

Notorious Member
Jan 12, 2016
7,589
1,146
113
#3
Why would anyone change me?
 

Deade

Called of God
Dec 17, 2017
16,159
9,776
113
74
Vinita, Oklahoma, USA
yeshuaofisrael.org
#6
Hey Everyone,

Lately I have been thinking about how it seems that many people (including myself) fall into the trap of wanting to believe that the "perfect" person is out there just waiting for us. After all, as Christians, we know that God wants the "best" for us... so surely His best would mean finding that one magical unicorn who checks off all the boxes, right? I can only speak for myself, but I have especially noticed this kind of thinking in online dating.

One of my greatest discouragements in the dating world is that most of other site members I talked with told me all about what they wanted in a woman, or what they required her to be in order to be "the one true helper God has for me":

1. I need a woman who will cook, clean house, and fit in seamlessly with my existing family (with or without children and/or ex[es], overbearing parents, etc.)
2. I need a woman with a good job so she can help me with the bills.
3. I need a woman who will learn my language/culture/follow all my family's customs and expectations to perfection so that I can meet all the requirements that my family has set for me.
4. I need a woman who is willing to have sex with me whenever I want, and in whatever way I want it.
5. I need a woman who will make me happy and make sure that I never feel lonely again.
6. I need a woman who will accept all my flaws (such as picking me up when I'm drunk), tell me it's going to be ok, and that she forgive me and loves me all the same no matter how many times I do this, and that she will NEVER leave me, no matter what I do.

Now, I understand the important of all of these things. I'm certainly not trying to say that each of these points wouldn't be something to consider in a Godly marriage, to the extent that it would be possible. And, I AM NOT saying at all that women don't have their lists as well (I'll get to that in just a moment.)

But the part that discouraged me and eventually made me take a long (several years) break from dating in general (not just online), is that I can't recall any of the men from the dating sites I was on ever asking me what I might want or need in a relationship; no one asked me what my dreams were, or why, or how I might need assistance in order to meet them, and what part they could play in that.

If someone would have done that, he would have definitely gotten my attention. Rather, it was as if there was an assumption that because a women is supposed to be a Godly help-mate, her life's dream, calling, and biggest fulfillment in life... is to be turned into anything and everything her husband wants and needs. It's as if some people seem to translate "help-mate" into -- "being, or becoming, everything I want."

Now on the flip side, I'm sure that many gentlemen here have been around ladies who have done the SAME thing--someone has tried to turn them, or use them, for everything she wanted or needed as well. Maybe some men feel that some (not all, but some) women seem to think of "a man as the provider" means, "the man should be buying/giving me EVERYTHING I want and need."

Both perspectives are obviously unbalanced (and not at all fair.)

In my own observation, it's as if someone (whether man or woman) is thinking, "I can't find my ready-made unicorn... So I'll just turn you (the person right in front of me, or the person who seems close enough) into my own personal unicorn instead!"

Now of course, I've been guilty of this myself. I remember trying to change someone's love language (quality time and presence) into my personal love language of choice (expression through words and verbal communication.) In my frustration and failure to recognize that people express and accept love in different ways, I interpreted this as meaning that the other person just didn't care.

Additionally, I can admit to being more malleable in the past and more willing to allow someone to try to change me into what they wanted to try to win their love/approval, or, most importantly to me at the time, to try to ensure that I wouldn't be alone. However, I always came back to being myself, which would always wind up dissolving the relationship.

These past several years, I have been trying to work on more of a balanced outlook and lifestyle. How about the rest of you?

* Has someone ever tried to change you according to their own liking and/or needs? How did it go?

* Did you accept these changes willingly or did you try to resist? Do you still feel caught in that same cycle, or have you (or are you) breaking free, and
how?

* Have you ever tried to make someone into what you wanted them to be? What were the results?

* In what ways have your experiences changed your current/future decisions about relationships?

By the way, this topic isn't just limited to relationships. I'm sure many people have experienced this within families and many other situations, such as a parent who tries to mold their child into being their own version of a "dream child."

I would love to hear about your experiences, what you've learned, and what advice you have for others who are caught in the middle of this destructive cycle--whether they are trying to change someone, or someone is trying to change them.

God bless!
I have been married twice (16yrs. & 20yrs.). Both times they were successful marriages not because they were perfect matches, but because we worked at them. Your lead in to a man looking for a wife is flawed from the start. By the very statement "I need a woman." We do not need any others to complete us. Better to say "I want a woman."

I came from a dysfunctional family and PTSD from watching my older brother burn to death. By 8-10 years old I knew I needed to change. Finally at 12 I started going to church and learning God's word. I started to change to the point I could at last stand myself. I became disillusioned by age 14 and gave up looking for Christ, but the changes the word made on me lasted.

My first wife cheated on me about our second year. I was crushed, but stayed in the marriage for my daughter's sake. I tried to cheat on my wife for a while. I finally decided it wasn't what I really wanted. I said I wouldn't let her infidelity change me. So I didn't try to solve any differences we had, I just told myself I would split when the kid got old enough. I started to just trust her because it didn't matter.

Once the kid got about 15, I started looking for a way out because of my promise to myself that I would. But something happened that I hadn't counted on. My wife changed, or maybe woke up to what she had. Maybe it was the trust I gave her that changed her. I read people pretty well, and realized she wasn't the same. I became somewhat confused and felt guilty about leaving.

The guilt caused me to almost commit suicide. I had checked into the motel with a 12 ga. shotgun ready to end it all. I was about half drunk but really psyched to do it. Suddenly there was a presence it the room with me. It was calm and all knowing. I was anything but calm. The Spirit (I deduced later) told me how everyone would look at this incident. People I hadn't contacted that cared for me, the very people I thought I would be doing this for. It was a permanent solution to a temporary problem and it would hurt everyone. I decided I couldn't do this to them. I ended up leaving the marriage after living on the road for a year to collect my thoughts. I thought I might go back but the divorce caused a permanent rift.
 

TamLynn

A heart at rest
Nov 27, 2014
818
835
93
#7
I have been married twice (16yrs. & 20yrs.). Both times they were successful marriages not because they were perfect matches, but because we worked at them. Your lead in to a man looking for a wife is flawed from the start. By the very statement "I need a woman." We do not need any others to complete us. Better to say "I want a woman."

I came from a dysfunctional family and PTSD from watching my older brother burn to death. By 8-10 years old I knew I needed to change. Finally at 12 I started going to church and learning God's word. I started to change to the point I could at last stand myself. I became disillusioned by age 14 and gave up looking for Christ, but the changes the word made on me lasted.

My first wife cheated on me about our second year. I was crushed, but stayed in the marriage for my daughter's sake. I tried to cheat on my wife for a while. I finally decided it wasn't what I really wanted. I said I wouldn't let her infidelity change me. So I didn't try to solve any differences we had, I just told myself I would split when the kid got old enough. I started to just trust her because it didn't matter.

Once the kid got about 15, I started looking for a way out because of my promise to myself that I would. But something happened that I hadn't counted on. My wife changed, or maybe woke up to what she had. Maybe it was the trust I gave her that changed her. I read people pretty well, and realized she wasn't the same. I became somewhat confused and felt guilty about leaving.

The guilt caused me to almost commit suicide. I had checked into the motel with a 12 ga. shotgun ready to end it all. I was about half drunk but really psyched to do it. Suddenly there was a presence it the room with me. It was calm and all knowing. I was anything but calm. The Spirit (I deduced later) told me how everyone would look at this incident. People I hadn't contacted that cared for me, the very people I thought I would be doing this for. It was a permanent solution to a temporary problem and it would hurt everyone. I decided I couldn't do this to them. I ended up leaving the marriage after living on the road for a year to collect my thoughts. I thought I might go back but the divorce caused a permanent rift.
Wow Deade. God has brought you through many trials and tribulations.
I'm so thankful that in your darkest hour, you heard and heeded the counsel of the Holy Spirit. <3
Thank you for sharing. Praying God will continue to bless and use you as you walk in truth!
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
12,882
3,133
113
#8
Mr. Deade, I am so sorry for everything you've gone through.

I know you've mentioned writing books and you surely have an amazing testimony--not only will it help others but I hope that God helps you through your writing as well.

God bless you and thanks for being a survivor.

You will definitely be in my prayers.
 

Solemateleft

Honor, Courage, Commitment
Jun 25, 2017
2,535
1,989
113
#10
Unicorns are imaginary creatures. But it's nice to dream about the possibility of the Lord blessing your life with a soulmate.
All while being grounded in the reality of the ever illusive perfect marriage, which is really just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other...
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
2,540
2,109
113
#11
I have certainly felt inadequate at hearing what many Christian women expect in a husband. When I was younger and before I learned all of this I worried about it at times. But seeing the lists many have created I actually began feeling hopeless and worthless.
I've also seen many churches encourage this rigidness. Decide exactly what you want, pray about it. If a man doesn't fit that mold don't settle for less than Gods best.
While I've no doubt this goes both ways, women get it fed further by the "you are a princess" teaching of churches. And raising women on a pedestal. It creates a christianized version of the knight in shining armor secular fantasy. Only a man deemed worthy, a true hero, can capture the heart of the princess who spends her days waiting for someone worthy enough to show up.
No. Just no.
What if God has other plans? Often people end up with others they may not have ever expected to.
Gods goal is not wish fulfillment or fantasy actuallization, but what's best. And what's best usually doesn't fit within our boxes and preconceived notions. Nor is it always shiny, glamorous, awe inspiring or grandiose.
Miracles can be mundane in their execution. What's important is not how its presented, but that it does what is needed.
 

melita916

Senior Member
Aug 12, 2011
10,159
2,351
113
#12
In college, I had a list. I don’t think it was long. Maybe 6 or 7 traits.

Sometime after college, I got rid of it.... or most of it. My list went down to 4 I think. Lol.
 

Solemateleft

Honor, Courage, Commitment
Jun 25, 2017
2,535
1,989
113
#13
In college, I had a list. I don’t think it was long. Maybe 6 or 7 traits.
Sometime after college, I got rid of it.... or most of it. My list went down to 4 I think. Lol.
Reminds me of a funny conversation I shared with my brother back when I was in college (35 years ago) along the lines of the infamous list - if I recall I jokingly said something to the effect:

I need a woman who loves the outdoors
someone who can keep up and keep a conversation on jogging, biking and hiking trails...
Competitive - someone who will give me a run for my money in all aspects of games/activities from PacMan, checkers, chess, ping pong to shooting pool...
Passionate - someone who isn't afraid to dance and cheer (loudly) after their favorite sports team just won a major game...
Loyalty - someone who isn't going to sway or falter when their team starts to go into a slump...
Commitment - someone who's not afraid of a little hard work and breaking some sweat to get to where they wanna go...
Humor - someone who can take a lite joke amongst friends and exchange some friendly banter and not get their feelings hurt...
Someone who respects their body, and treats their body as a temple and strives to maintain a healthy lifestyle...
Someone who is not afraid of a little 'grab-assery' (former wrestler/judo coach - term for playful rough-housing) hand-fighting and rolling around mixing it up on the mat...

Come to think of it I think I need a man... :ROFL::ROFL::ROFL:;):p

Of course my lil brother and I shared the same sense of humor, and to this day always have a good laugh as we re-tell this story to our kids...
 

Rachel20

Senior Member
May 7, 2013
1,639
103
63
#14
To an extent... I only want to change the wardrobe :p !

My boyfriend and I have slightly different tastes in fashion. He tends to dress slightly more formal than me and looks a tad older than me.We are the same age though he is actually younger than me by a few months.

When we first started dating, I suggested that we go shopping together. Being the smarty-pants he is, he immediately picked on it and chimed, "You are just ashamed to be seen in public with me, aren't you?"
That wasn't the case at all but I realize that being blatant about things like this causes him to be stubbornly resistant :p .

He is learning though, that resistance is futile. He trusts my judgment on fashion a lot. I always plan my outfits, especially for fancy events, weeks in advance.

For now he sticks to my opinion on what he should wear with what he has. He usually brings his sunnies/caps/shirts/ties to me and asks me "this or that".

He loves his leather jackets though. So, just recently, I bought him a beautiful mahogany leather jacket from Nordstrom. I plan to give it as a gift to him today. I am really excited about that. :)

And this is just the start ;).

****************

On his side, I think the one thing he's changing in me is he's making me a football fan.

I never watched American football before or had any interest in the game. He taught me the rules and took me to my first ever football game which was a SF 49ers vs Cowboys game. He's an Eagles fan, so by default I am supposed to be one too.
I am not allowed to cheer for the Cowboys. I told him my first ever game was an "imprinting" match and whichever team won (cowboys or 49ers) would be my home team. At that point the Cowboys almost won and he said he wouldn't sit with me on the same couch if they became my team. Lucky for him, the 49ers won. :p

There was a time when our interests came to a clash. We were going on a date to an upscale place and there was an Eagles game, so he wanted to wear the jersey.
That's when I put my foot down. I knew he was giving up football for me (he was recording it on his TV) but I made a rule - he was not allowed to wear the jersey.
For being that sweet, we watched the football game together after the date. :)