Jokes

[Lynx]

A gentleman goes to an estate sale and notices that one of the items for sale is a large parrot. He's always wanted a talking bird, so when it comes up for bid he offers $50.
The bidding proceeds hot and heavy with someone always bidding ten dollars more than he until the parrot is finally sold to him for $1,500.
When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?"
The auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

 

[Lynx]

I recently overheard a boss talking to one of his employees at a restaurant recently. "Was your wife mad when you got home so late last night?" the boss asked.
"Yes, she was plumb historical," the employee replied.
"Don't you mean hysterical?"
"No, I mean historical. She brought up things that happened forty years ago."

 

[Lynx]

Attention Drug Dealers operating in the Randall County area: Tax Season is upon you! With the April 15th deadline rapidly approaching, we know how hard it can be for you to provide a detailed accounting of your business related income and expenses. Could that late night trip to a remote parking lot be a business expense? Can you claim mileage if using a stolen vehicle for business transactions? What about the expensive spray paint used to redecorate it? Is there a deduction available for the bond money you will need after responding to this offer?
That’s why our Certified Drug Transaction Reporting Specialists will be available, 24/7, FREE of charge, to assist you with analyzing your business dealings. Simply come on down to our offices at 9100 South Georgia Street and ask for the “TAX SECURITY SPECIAL!”Our specialists will sit down with you and go over the details of your operation. Records and receipts of your business expenses and transactions are very helpful.
Great referral benefits if you bring your business partners or refer our services to your friends! If you don’t operate in the Randall County area: NO WORRIES! We have an extensive nationwide network of affiliate branches that we are happy to contact on your behalf to set up a local appointment!As a special bonus to those who respond soon: We will provide you with an all-inclusive vacation to . . . THE POKEY!
Hurry in now!
Space is limited!

 

[Lynx]

Home Mechanics Tools and their usage: HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of radar device to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the pessimism principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing grease out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for, the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your tool box after determining that your battery is dead as a door nail, just as you thought.
METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads and can double as oil filter removal wrench by stabbing through stubborn oil filters.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.
PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

 

[Lynx]

If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/pastor-tim-s-cleanlaugh-site/what-is-a-goober


An ice cream store employee is standing behind the counter on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant goobers. They come up to the counter, order 10 triple-scoop cones and take their order over and sit down at a large table. Then they begin chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more goobers arrive, take up their cones and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more goobers show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth goober comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The store employee can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster.

When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the employee asks one of the goobers, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The goober who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that goobers are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

 

[Lynx]

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul, the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?" Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work, the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer, the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin' for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."
The young, determined preacher tried again, asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something, the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow or the next day."
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much, and she'll wanna go all three days."

 

[Jilly81]

POLITICIAN DIES AND GOES TO HEAVEN

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

He arrives at the gates of heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now this time the doors of the elevator open and it's a completely different scenario!

He sees all his friends in the middle of fire and brimstone, all in absolute misery!

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just fire and brimstone and my friends look miserable! What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and laughs and says, "Oh Mr politician, yesterday I was campaigning..... But today you voted."

Upon reading the title of the joke, my first thought was that - surely you were going to tell a fictional story ( haha ); however, after reading it to the end...

"Well --- isn't that the reality..."

Yeah Gary, that's pretty much what I was thinking too. :/

 

[mailmandan]

Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A: Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

 

[Eternallife]

I told my friend ten jokes to cheer him up. Sorry no pun in ten did.

 

[Addison]

How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?...





1 or 2?




1... or 2?

 

[Lynx]

Yeah? Well, how many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But the lightbulb has to really WANT to change.

Speaking of which, how many country singers does it take?

Seven. One to take out the old bulb and put in the new one, six to stand around singing about the old one.

 

[Tinkerbell725]

Funny tweets of a dad about his smart daughters


Father Of Four Wins Over Twitter With His Hilarious Tweets About What His Daughters Say And Do - NewsLinQ

 

[mailmandan]

Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

A: Samson. He brought the house down.

 

[AsifinPassing]

This forum needs a humor sub-forum. But until then, here's this thread.


Wanna talk about Sodium? Na Nitric Oxide? NO
Potassium? K
Can we talk about Sulfer, Uranium and Rhenium now? SURe
How about Oxygen, Hydrogen, Sulfer, Sodium and Phosphorous? OH SNaP!

"Hey...could you hand me that PBJ off the table?"

Well, um...okay. Here's this:

...but I'm pretty sure there's no 'J' anywhere on the table.

 

[Lynx]

Foxtrot comics did a whole run of PB&J comics.

"Hey, would you like a PB&J sandwich?"
"Sure."
.....
"Yuck! What is this, jalapenos?"


"Want a PB&J?"
"Sure... wait, what's that stand for?"
"Peanut butter and jelly."
"Just checking. Sure."
.....
"Eww, what is this, margarine?"
"Okay so technically I left out a comma in peanut, butter and jelly."

 

[Lynx]

So this guy walks into a bar one night and says to the bartender, "Hey gimme a beer and get a round for the house! While you're at it, make one for yourself too." The bartender proceeds to fill the order, and the glasses, and everyone present has a drink.

After a few minutes the guy says, "Hey barkeep, gimme another beer and another round for the house! While you're at it, make yourself another one too."

The bartender says, "Shouldn't you pay for the first round before ordering a second?"

The guy says, "Nope, I can't. I'm flat broke." So the bartender pitches him out.

Next night the same guy comes in and says, "Hey barkeep, gimme a beer and a round for the house!"

The bartender says incredulously, "Yeah, I'm sure. And I bet you're gonna tell me to make one for myself while I'm at it."

The guy says, "No way man, I remember you. You get mean when you've had a drink."

 

[mailmandan]

 

[mailmandan]

A cop pulls a man over for speeding. The cop comes up to the man and says, "why were you speeding today sir?" The man replies, "i'm a juggler in a circus, and I'm just trying to get to my next show. I apologize."

The cop looks intrigued, and says "if you can prove to me you're a juggler, I'll let you go with a warning."
The juggler immediately gets out of the car and starts juggling 5 swords, and the officer is very impressed!

Meanwhile, another man driving by pulls over and stops his car. He gets out and immediately walks into the back seat of the police car and closes the door. The officer comes back and says "why did you get into my car?"

The man replies, his words slurred, "I ain't never gonna pass that new sobriety test you got there."

 

[Lenardzw]

Perspective: Makes me think of a story of two guys who are camping somewhere in the wilderness. They set up their tent and settle down to sleep after supper.
Sometime later the one guy elbows his mate and asks, "Hey man, tell me what you see." his friend opens his eyes, looks up and says, "Well the stars are clearly visible, so that tells me it should be a fine day later on. By their position I can tell what month we are in too. Chronologically I can estimate its approaching 3 am." He turns to his friend and asks, "What do you see man?"
His friend says, "Well I don't know about all that astronomy and astrology stuff. That's quite impressive. But I came to the realization that our tent was stolen."

 

[Lynx]

I heard it was Sherlock and Watson who were camping and got their tent stolen. But the joke may have been retrofit before I heard it.


I also heard about these two hikers who came around the corner of a cliff face and suddenly saw a bear right in their faces. One of the hikers immediately whipped out a pair of running shoes and put them on.

"What are you doing man?" said the other hiker. "You can't outrun a bear!"

"No but all I need to do is outrun you."