judging people for not marrying

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gypsygirl

Senior Member
Sep 19, 2012
1,394
60
48
#1
in the recent thread, "too many divorces" people were quick to point out how we ought not to judge people for being a divorcee, because the circumstances can be complicated. i saw a lot of support for those whose lives have been touched by divorce, which i think is great.

however, i couldn't help but think about the fact that in some ways, we as a community, and in some cases the world, don't just judge the divorced.

often, we judge the single people too.

i've had to learn to be quite comfortable with people speculating on my reasons for being unmarried at my age.

if you're a woman, at some point in your thirties you start getting lots of responses that are, well... quite interesting. often, quite unexpected. i would naturally assume at some point, guys get similar responses, though there seems to be a lot more acceptance and understanding for men who don't marry at "the expected age".

moreover, unless you've been in a similar situation, i can assure you: you'd be SHOCKED what people will say to you, right to your face (which always makes me curious what others think, but dare not say to me).

here's a small sampling of what i've heard before:


from the unsaved:

*wink wink* you're so lucky to have escaped such craziness! besides, single girls have more fun. ...so, tell me, just how much fun do you have?

you're smart! your career will be more loyal than a man.

i envy you. you don't have to share your closet, and get to do what you want.
(christians say that one too)

living together is better. the courts will screw you out of everything you have and worked hard for anyway.

oh, my sister recently married her girlfriend in california. it was a beautiful ceremony.


from the christians:

you poor thing! someday God will provide a spouse for (even) you.

aren't you worried about not having children?

(nervously spoken) well, not everyone is called to be married, right?

weren't you a missionary?

i think so-and-so's brother isn't married yet. you too should get together!

you'd be surprised by some of the others stuff that didn't make the list. : ) naturally, i'm curious about your experiences and perceptions of such things, both from those of you who can relate to this (even if you've been divorced for awhile and have started to be on the receiving end of this) as well as those who meet men or women who've never married, in the context of considering them as potential "date" material, or otherwise.

1. what are your perceptions of someone who remains single beyond the age most people choose to marry?

2. would you be less or more likely to date someone who hasn't been married?

3. if you're single, and have experienced this firsthand, what have been your experiences?
 
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D

Donkeyfish07

Guest
#2
It's a light thing to be judged by a man or a woman for a silly reason (Or any reason for that matter). God's judgement is all we need to concern ourselves with. Yep, I totally Jesus Juked it but it's appropriate :p
 
May 9, 2012
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#3
Be single if that is what your heart desires. I have huge respect for people that don't get married simply because "they feel lonely or desperate". The Apostle Paul praised singleness in his letters so it is not a bad thing at all Let people marry if they wanna marry if it's in the context God desires marriage to be in. But if people wanna remain single, then let them be and be happy for them just as if they were married. I'm 23 and people have already asked me, "So, do you have it in mind to settle? Who's the special guy? Are you having kids?" etc... Some people just like to hear themselves talk so just do what I do and "let it go" because it's none of their business in the first place.
 
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persNickety

Guest
#4
1) I think it's more common than it use to be, so my perception is quite neutral. Just think that it's the way things are these days. Lots of factors are involved. Times have changed from our parents/ grandparents, etc.

2) I thought about this question seriously a few times. Wondered if I would be able to enter a relationship with a divorced man. I kind of shy away from it because of biblical verses about remarrying. I don't know.
 
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ww_21

Guest
#5

Of all my friends- I am the only single one. I get thrown looks of pity from everyone else around me who is married. My friends, both younger and older than I am have kids- they seem happy and try to make me feel bad about it. They try to set me up with random guys, make snarky comments or sometimes throw their 'successful marriages' in my face.

I am just 21, why should I get married? I still want to travel the world (Yes, I really do want to visit every country not just a few) I want to write a novel, I want to do missions. I want to grow in Christ. To me, being married will hinder these goals. Iy agitates me when people look at me and say "You poor thing." OR "I have a cousin you'll like" OR "Aren't you tired of being a single." I am a kid myself so why would I want to raise a kid while I am still one?
 

gypsygirl

Senior Member
Sep 19, 2012
1,394
60
48
#8
It's a light thing to be judged by a man or a woman for a silly reason (Or any reason for that matter). God's judgement is all we need to concern ourselves with. Yep, I totally Jesus Juked it but it's appropriate :p
it's pretty easy for you, dear df, to say this to me at 28. ;p of course i agree with you, and you make an excellent point.

do the comments and judgment ruin my day? nah. some of it amuses me, some annoys me, and some just tell me a lot about people and their different perceptions of priorities and what success means to each person. i can't really think of many things i would do differently, aside from some individual choices here and there. i'm grateful for the path that brought me here.

but, it doesn't mean i don't wonder about things, such as others' perceptions and experiences. : )


 
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persNickety

Guest
#9
I think I stopped caring or atleast faced the fact the my future is more complicated than I once thought. A lot of uncertainties and planning. Health needs to be taken in to consideration and accepted/supported. So it's not a matter of- 'oh, you're so pretty/cute/nice/caring (or whatever people say), as if you're still single?!!' It's more complicated than that.

When I go on a dating site- I see a guy that I may want to get to know more, but than he's passionate outdoorsy active person, family man that looks forward to be father some day. Knowing all that upfront and knowing me- I don't think I can provide the life that he would like to share with a woman, so I don't pursue. It's hard online, because everything is upfront. You are looking into a future and seeing if it is possible. Sometimes you can't given reality.
 
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tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
41,463
16,376
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Tennessee
#10
I think I stopped caring or atleast faced the fact the my future is more complicated than I once thought. A lot of uncertainties and planning. Health needs to be taken in to consideration and accepted/supported. So it's not a matter of- 'oh, you're so pretty/cute/nice/caring (or whatever people say), as if you're still single?!!' It's more complicated than that.

When I go on a dating site- I see a guy that I may want to get to know more, but than he's passionate outdoorsy active person, family man that looks forward to be father some day. Knowing all that upfront and knowing me- I don't think I can provide the life that he would like to share with a woman, so I don't pursue. It's hard online, because everything is upfront. You are looking into a future and seeing if it is possible. Sometimes you can't given reality.
I know, it is very hard, and at times it seems impossible. I met my late wife online in 2002 but previous to this I had prayed to God to find me a loving wife as I no long trusted my own judgment. It was too hard for me. God took the impossible and allowed the possible to happen for me. You are so right. everything is up front but this can work for your benefit. Pray that God searches and finds a loving man for you who will accept you and your circumstances for what it is and love you all the more because of that if this is what you truly desire.
 
R

Raine

Guest
#11
My grandma has attempted to hook me up a few times but her taste in guys is waaaayyyy different than mine lol.

You know... I would say 90% of my cousins around my age are married and prolly about 90% of those married cousins are in bad marriages... So do I really care what people say anymore? Nope. Just nod politely. I'd rather be single than end up in a bad marriage where I can't live out my faith. What's the point of marrying someone where you can see divorce in the future already?

If I meet other singles I don't like to assume.... So I ask them if they want to remain single or if they are still looking.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
41,463
16,376
113
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Tennessee
#12
My grandma has attempted to hook me up a few times but her taste in guys is waaaayyyy different than mine lol.

You know... I would say 90% of my cousins around my age are married and prolly about 90% of those married cousins are in bad marriages... So do I really care what people say anymore? Nope. Just nod politely. I'd rather be single than end up in a bad marriage where I can't live out my faith. What's the point of marrying someone where you can see divorce in the future already?

If I meet other singles I don't like to assume.... So I ask them if they want to remain single or if they are still looking.
Your last sentence is an amazing insight when considering possible relationships. I only wished that I had this type of wisdom at the age of 23 when I married my first wife. I thought that she was the woman of my 'dreams'. She was the stuff that nightmares were made of.
 

Pipp

Majestic Llamacorn
Sep 17, 2013
5,536
2,703
113
Georgia
#13
oh yes...... A friend of mine got engaged about 3 years ago (she's already married and divorced now ) her mother told me " yeah that's what happens when you're completely living for God 100% . She was looking at me like ...hint hint.

Awww Does it ever make you jealous that your little sister got married before you ??

Don't worry... I'm sure there's someone out there who will love you jut like you are....


I told my husband " if I ever die I want you to marry Misty"


An I'm just over there like

 
W

ww_21

Guest
#14
oh yes...... A friend of mine got engaged about 3 years ago (she's already married and divorced now ) her mother told me " yeah that's what happens when you're completely living for God 100% . She was looking at me like ...hint hint.

Awww Does it ever make you jealous that your little sister got married before you ??

Don't worry... I'm sure there's someone out there who will love you jut like you are....


I told my husband " if I ever die I want you to marry Misty"


An I'm just over there like


Throw a cupcake in their face.
 

gypsygirl

Senior Member
Sep 19, 2012
1,394
60
48
#16
oh yes...... A friend of mine got engaged about 3 years ago (she's already married and divorced now ) her mother told me " yeah that's what happens when you're completely living for God 100% . She was looking at me like ...hint hint.

Awww Does it ever make you jealous that your little sister got married before you ??

Don't worry... I'm sure there's someone out there who will love you jut like you are....


I told my husband " if I ever die I want you to marry Misty"


An I'm just over there like

that's terrible!

here was a conversation i had awhile back with a good guy pal of mine who is close to my age.

him: monica, i propose that if neither of us marry, we make a pact.

me: oh sure, what age are you thinking?

him: i don't know, let's go for 60. and then we get married.

me: wait...what? married?!? i thought you were proposing a suicide pact!

 
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maxwel

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2013
9,479
2,545
113
#17



1. what are your perceptions of someone who remains single beyond the age most people choose to marry?

2. would you be less or more likely to date someone who hasn't been married?

3. if you're single, and have experienced this firsthand, what have been your experiences?

LOL

Seriously... I just ignore everybody.

Yes really.


It works like this:

- Church Ladies: "Aww Maxwel, how long have you been single now?'

- Me: "I really have to run. Can you just text me?"

: )
 

rachelsedge

Senior Member
Oct 15, 2012
3,659
79
48
34
#18
I think it's funny when people tell me, "Well, it's good to be picky." It's funny because I've never really had a choice, no opportunities really to be picky about. I mean, I've had some, but not enough to where I'd label myself as picky. Though, I suppose I am. I have high standards, not unreachable standards, but not just anyone. But that's for another thread, another day.

"What are you waiting for?"
"God will bring the right person along." Which is true, I suppose, but...yeah. Also, that makes it sound like it will take a divine intervention to get someone to date me. :p

Actually, a pretty terrible story was when my sister was getting married, one of her friends, who I somewhat knew, came up to me before the wedding and said, "I know when I was in high school, I was jealous of my sister, so I understand how you may feel. But don't worry, maybe someday a bigger guy will come along for you and it will be okay." (In so many words) I know she was trying to be encouraging, but it left me pretty angry and hurt, actually.

I haven't had too many people really say anything to me, but then again I'm only 24. The things I say to myself, however...those are much worse.

My grandma asks me sometimes if there are any guys I've met yet, or she knows someone's friend's son is single or something so I should talk to him. I do love my grandma, though. She prays for me, and she prays for a man for me and she prays for the man himself. I don't take that as offensive, because I know her sweet, genuine heart and so I truly love that she does that.

As far as whether or not I'd be more or less likely to date someone who had already been married, I really don't know. I don't think I would be opposed, per se, but I think I'd be cautious as well as intimidated.
 
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violakat

Senior Member
Apr 23, 2014
1,236
21
38
#19
I had a friend pretty much announce to everyone in the room that oh, so and so are both single. Or, she would go up to strange men (granted he was a christian artist in a major label), and say oh, my friend is also single. Grr. That is so embarrassing, not to mention other stuff. I finally ended up telling her to quit it, and how it was making me feel.

I've also had one or two guys ask me if I was gay. Yep, that's right, you read it correctly.

Then, I had a married man said if he was single he would date me. (That was a neighbor.) Then about a few months to a year later, he wanted me to come visit him at his house, cause his family was out of town, and he was going to be lonely. NOT. I am crazy, not so desperate that I would steal another woman's husband. That was a few years ago, and they just recently got divorced. Not sure why, but I don't really want to know why.

Another acquaintance asked me to marry him because he didn't want to be lonely for the Holidays. I was interested at all, so he was quite easy to turn down.

And of course the old, "Don't you want to get married." "Oh you are so lucky, you have all the free time in the world." Yeah right. They forget there is only me paying for my bills, so I have to work enough to get them taken care of, not to mention training I might have to have, for various jobs, and meetings and conferences. That really is a lot of free time. And because I'm single, some people just assume I like to go out and have fun, when really I'm a homebody.
 
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ww_21

Guest
#20
You would have made a good warrior in the Official Cupcake Fight thread.
I won that battle but I was such a ninja that nobody even saw me.