my prediciment

iraasuup · Apr 27, 2012

As some of you may know, my marriage recently ended. This has been a very harrowing time for me, as would be expected, but I'm finding myself feeling incredibly lonely.

Even though my marriage was not intimate, or loving in any way, I still find myself craving companionship, and although I have my friends, family and a good support network around me, I still ache with loneliness.

If I'm entirely honest, I was lonely during the marriage too, and found myself craving intimacy the way I knew God intended for within marriage (probably because my marriage lacked this).

We were married 7 years and the separation is still very recent (about 3 months ago), and the pain still very raw, but I am trying to just move forward with my life. I feel a little bound, as Australian law requires a couple to be separated for 12 months before they can legally get divorced. Don't misunderstand this statement, I never chose to divorce, and I know it's not the 'preferred outcome', but I'm really in a situation where I have no choice in the matter (I'd prefer not to go into details). However, it has been made abundantly clear to me that divorce is inevitable in my situation, so I've made a concious decision to move on with my life with each new day. Although I understand the reasoning behind the aformenetioned law (and I agree with it), I can't help but feel like it's prolonging the pain and angst in a way. Like, while I'm still separated and not 'divorced', I can't really have closure.

Also, it doesnt help with the loneliness. I am in no way ready for another relationship just yet, but I can't help but crave the intmacy I have never known. I'm really having to stop myself in my tracks and remind myself that I am still 'legally married'.. and even if I were ready for a relationship, that I can't pursue one because of this.

I guess my point is, I'm confused. I really just want closure, I want to move on. My situation is awkward.. I'm single, but I'm married- to someone who has already moved on. What do I do? How do I beat the loneliness? I have never been the kind of girl to look at a guy and be all giddy over him, or struggle with lusting after a guy. But this loneliness is doing crazy things to me. Yesterday I went to get my prescription filled at the pharmacy and I 'noticed' the cute male Pharmacist.. today I had to go back and found myself staring at him from a distance. I completely lost track of the reason I was there, and instead spent 10 minutes watching this guy work. Am I going insane?

Can somebody please help with suggestions to help combat the loneliness.

LightningClap0002 · Apr 27, 2012

iraasuup said:

I wish I could do more than just pray for you. I still remember the months after the end of my 5 year relationship and yet I'm sure that your situation goes far beyond that. I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't think I do. I can give you advice from my own experience of things to avoid, but that won't help you actually follow through. It's so easy to know something and yet not actually be able to avoid it.

Please just be careful. There will be people waiting to get close to you, of that I have no doubt. Go slowly, be patient. As hard as it is, I truly believe that now is the time for you to push an ideas of a guy away. A year even seems short to me (not necessarily to get legally divorced), as you seem to have already experienced, it seems that our judgement gets clouded.

Keep your friends close (but not too close

). Their opinions can be the difference between embracing your new found craziness or embracing your new life as God intends it.

I hope I haven't just made things worse. God Bless You!

Ritter · Apr 27, 2012

Buy a cat. If you have a cat, buy another cat. If you have two cats, buy a third. If you have three cats, buy a dog.

I defer the rest to Lightningclap.

wwjd_kilden · Apr 27, 2012

I have never been in a real relationship (only long- distance), so I cannot imagine what it must be like, but I know that feeling of loneliness.

Spend time with your friends, whether you talk about the feelings or not, in most cases being around others will help. (Even though time alone is needed too). It might make it easier to not subconcisously go looking for a replacement where you should not. I know it is easy to realize a friendship is about to turn into more when one wants that intimacy. But as for friendship relationships they can help you feel the closeness you need in a healthy way.

And, of course: Spend time with God: He is the great healer.

and yeah, cats are nice for company

AnandaHya · Apr 27, 2012

I think one of the most important life lessons is to learn to be happy alone without human companionship and just be in the presence of God doing what He intends for you to do.

You are never truly alone because you have God with you and I believe its better to wait for the person God intends you to be with then to daydream about other people.

Personally I believe God has a plan and a person He intends for us to live our lives with. When we get impatient and don't pray about our relationships before taking it to the next level beyond just friendship we cause ourselves a lot of heartache, because eventually God says "this isn't the person I meant you to be with" It becomes evident in many ways, most of the time it begins with an inner uneasiness.

How to deal with feeling alone?

I don't know when I was single I would not think of myself that way but as engaged to a person God had in mind for me but haven't meet yet.

Does that make any sense?

Perhaps the concept of arranged marriages are strange to people but I always believed that God arranges our marriages for us because we are His children and He loves us. When He thinks both of us are mature enough and not likely to hurt the other person emotionally or spiritually, then He introduces us.

God uses many different things and people in our lives to help us grow and become the people God intends for us to be. sometimes we just have to trust Him and His timing and focus on today and what God wants us to do NOW and cherish the people God has placed in our lives now.

too often we forget to love the people around us until something happens to take them away.

Jewliah · Apr 27, 2012

I can tell you that I know exactly how you feel. I have been there. I actually had a 6 year separation. I wasn't in a hurry to get a divorce and when I was (when I met someone I wanted to date) then it dragged on longer, but for good reason. You have to remember that God always has a plan for us and it isn't always our plan. You are probably going to feel lonely for quite some time. You can jump into another relationship to dull the pain (as I did) or you can let God take you down this path of drawing closer to him. There will be times when you feel God isn't there, but remember this saying, "The teacher is always quiet during the test."

My advice for you:
a) To submerge yourself in God's word. He lets us have pain so that we can grow closer to him. It hurts, but he loves us enough to let us go through it and become stronger in Him.
b) Get active! Find an exercise group because that will help you deal with the stress. Find a woman's bible study/accountability group. I did that and I hated it because I wanted to be around men and not all women. But it was good for me and it kept me out of trouble when I was feeling very desperate. Join a book club, board game club, knitting group, take dance lessons. Anything to keep you busy and have you out socializing. That is one thing I didn't do and I was very lonely for two years just staying home alone with my kids. When I did join an activity group it was very good for my self esteem. I just needed to be around people!
c) Eat healthy. Watch what you eat because if you are eating fast food or junk food it will make you more depressed. Add vitamins and supplements. Niacin helps with depression, but read up about it and be careful with the amounts you take. If you take too much it can have the same effects of drinking too much alcohol.
d)Remember God loves you and that you will make it through this. His plans are greater than ours!

I hope this helps. If you want someone to talk to I am in Texas, but more than happy to share emails with you.

Take care hunny!

shemaiah · Apr 27, 2012

I agree with what most have already said, just know you are not alone and in God you will find peace, companionship and intimacy, just keep reaching I will keep you in my prayers. God bless

Jullianna · Apr 27, 2012

Katie, I understand. I remember what it was like just after my husband passed away. To find yourself alone after sharing your life with someone else for so long. A part of you is suddenly missing huh? You are grieving the death of your marriage, which probably feels much the same.

Trust me when I say that dating right away is the WRONG thing to do. You are far too vulnerable right now and a LOT of guys will know this. Give yourself some time. I know that's tough, since I know you just moved from one side of the country to the other and probably left a lot of close friends behind as well. I'm glad you realize you have some HERE.

Fill your life with other things right now. Church. Family. Friends. Serving others. Hobbies. Travel around and see things you've never seen before. Take a class or two. Learn new things.

Give your heart time to heal. That's where the loneliness is coming from.

big hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3

Lucy68 · Apr 27, 2012

I haven't had to deal with this personally ...but the above posts from people who have been in similar circumstances have good ideas.

I would think of this time as a time of developing 'a new normal'. Especially a time to build on your relationship with Christ.

Lean on your friends. They will be blessed by it

Schedule get togethers with girl friends. Have a dinner party. Join a exercise class or sports team. Just be proactive in getting involved in outside activities.

Praying for your healing

GreenNnice · Apr 27, 2012

Sorry, time short, so, not read through many posts, what I gleaned for you, katy, is this:

Yes, whoever said 'submerge yourself in God's Word.' Good, He teaches us through His teachings. Do you believe that Katy. And this? He REALLY teaches us in our lonely moments of life, in fact being there most of all when we are REALLY LONELIEST OF ALL

'That' is the God you serve

There for you, you do know, 'Footprints in the Sand?'

Secondly, lightnin' said 'embrace what God has for your life now, ' or close to, I should have quotes but I do. Yes. do 'that' .

Katy, lastly, what is this life we are living in now about? Ultimately? Let's break it down to brass tacks?

Salvation, right?

You want to do whatever it takes for you to BEST serve God on planet Earth so your rewards in Heaven are most. Did you know too that God says that those who have the 'Holy Spirit' get 'inheritance.' There's more to the verse(s) than that but that's the gist.

I want you to focus on God's plan for you now, embrace it, and, keep this mindset in mind?

A prayer for you, milady

"Lord, you knew I would be who I was before I was born (Psalm 139) and plans for me that were good, not evil (Jer. 29:!11) and I believe everything you have done for me, dying on cross, leading my life so far. In my life I see your reason for everything, thank you for that seeing and there is a reason for my husband leaving me now. If it is Thy will bring Him back, I believe in miracles, but MORE than that, I just want to be 'content' (Phil 4:12) in you for the rest of my life, I want to be able to focus on YOU, because, in the end (literally, your end) that is all that matters. This life is 'meaningless' is Solomon says and this life is temporary. Life with you is eternal, I want to focus on that 'eternal' instead of that '10 minute' temporary. Give me the strength (Phil. 4:13) to do this. I love you, Lord. Amen. "

Is my life going according to the way that best gets me to serve you before Heaven, Lord ?
I do not want to do anything that can have me fall from you. I want to obey you.

This is not speaking of 'works' to get to Heaven, I hope it makes sense, if not I can further explain gladly, The Lord leads, God bless you, Katy.

Oncefallen · Apr 27, 2012

I have to echo what Jullianna said, I'll be a little more blunt though. Stay away from men as much as possible. One of the more foolish relationships I've been in was because I "slipped" into a relationship before I really had healed from a prior engagement that I had ended after finding out she had been involved with another man for a year. It's entirely too easy to "slip" into a relationship at this point of vulnerability because of that deep craving for affirmation from the opposite sex.

Pheonix · Apr 27, 2012

Its been a lot of years since I've been in a relationship of any kind, but the woman I was with was someone I cared very deeply about. While we never actually married, we were planning on it once we'd gotten our lives sorted out, so the pain of our separation was excruciating. My mother keeps telling me its not the same as actually being married but I don't believe it for a moment. It took me several years to get to the point where I was ready to move one. Sadly by the time I was ready, anyone near my age was already married or otherwise unavailable. So here I am nearly 30, still single, and curiously I'm still alive and more or less accepting of my fate. I'm not ruling out another relationship in the future, but I'm resigned to the way my life is. About the only advice I can give you if you want it is to hold fast to your beliefs and don't let the experience change you for the worse. Also don't close yourself off from possibility. Perhaps not in the immediate future, but later. Take the time to find yourself in amongst all the clutter.

keep_on_smiling · Apr 27, 2012

My prayers are with you! Praying that the Lord will take the feelings of loneliness away from you. From your posts I can tell you are strong woman of God, even through this time of struggle. You have no better person on your side than our mighty God. Look to Him for your strength.

Many others have given you great advice. I was thinking about the laws in your country and though it may seem odd that you have to wait a year before you get a divorce, I truly would try to look at that as a blessing. Even if the your marriage isn't going to be repaired (though I wouldn't put that past God), I think the delay in actually getting the divorce will help protect you. It will make is so you won't want to get involved in another relationship right off, it seems that can be quite easy to do when one feels lonely.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29:11)
God bless!

GreenNnice · Apr 28, 2012

Pheonix said:

____
29?

No marriage for you your fate?

The Lord,leads, for one thing, and, that highly considered, phoenX, The internet and so many broken marriages,gen x ( and gen y) in 2000s that the new normal for getting married 30.

Plus, i petsonally think that waiting longer than going into it sooner is best because you learn about yourself, can work.yourself to some sort of financial dependence and career by 30.

Look at me

ok then already, so (look at my age and my lifetime marital status) don't

CC_Bride · Apr 28, 2012

Get a dog.

Dog is awesome companion, also it will force you to get out in the fresh air and exercise with it which is physically, mentally and emotionally very good for you.
The loneliness re humans will pass in time. Talk to your Father about it, he understands and is caring for you.

CC_Bride · Apr 28, 2012

Pheonix said:

Its been a lot of years since I've been in a relationship of any kind, but the woman I was with was someone I cared very deeply about. While we never actually married, we were planning on it once we'd gotten our lives sorted out, so the pain of our separation was excruciating. My mother keeps telling me its not the same as actually being married but I don't believe it for a moment. It took me several years to get to the point where I was ready to move one. Sadly by the time I was ready, anyone near my age was already married or otherwise unavailable. So here I am nearly 30, still single, and curiously I'm still alive and more or less accepting of my fate. I'm not ruling out another relationship in the future, but I'm resigned to the way my life is. About the only advice I can give you if you want it is to hold fast to your beliefs and don't let the experience change you for the worse. Also don't close yourself off from possibility. Perhaps not in the immediate future, but later. Take the time to find yourself in amongst all the clutter.

Don't fret.
My husband was going through exactly what you were going through and by the time he hit 32 he was resigned to the fact he was going to stay single for the rest of his life - then he met me. God is loving, but he also has a sense of humor.

Jullianna · Apr 28, 2012

CC_Bride said:

This probably sounds silly to people who don't have dogs.

My dogs have been an absolute blessing to me. I don't like to dump huge problems and stress on other people, so I usually come home and tell the dogs about it.

They are great listeners. And like CC Bride said, you can never underestimate the benefits of going for a run with them. They love you unconditionally.

They are affectionate. They are fun. They are comforting.

My dogs have helped me through the loss of my husband, my mom and a sibling as well. I don't know where I would have been without them. I lost one of my dogs a couple of months ago too. A beautiful husky.

Great advice, CC Bride

LightningClap0002 · Apr 28, 2012

Sadly, Dog 1.0 has many of the same faults as Husband 1.0. He's always there, taking up your system resources and cache. Worse than Husband 1.0, Dog 1.0 can't even go out and interact with other computers without you directly connecting them each time. He seems to have plenty of EatEatEatEat functionality, but a complete inability to cook.

You've been warned.

iraasuup · Apr 28, 2012

LightningClap0002 said:

HAHAHA! LOVE IT!

I would actually like to get a cat (sorry, not really a dog person), but I''m not in a situation to do so right now. I have had to move back home with my parents. When I get myself sorted enough to look for a place of my own, I will probably get a kitty for company.

Great suggestions guys. I'm definitely gonna try and get outdoors more, and be more active too. I have noticed the couple of times, Ive taken a workout class or something, I always feel a lot better afterwards.

So thanks for the suggestions guys. Will keep you posted on the outcomes!

Red33 · Apr 28, 2012

In my opinion one of the most difficult strains that is put on a marriage is living up to expectations and trying to always please the other spouse. The husband often desires from his wife things that she is not comfortable with but she will try to live up to those desires because she loves her husband and wants to please him in the right way, especially when she has a pure heart. Sometimes every thing she does never seems to be to his liking or to his pleasing and she feels that she has failed him in some way, when that is not the truth in any way. I myself have been guilty of not being intimate with my wife and complacency takes over and I defraud my own wife of the thing she desires the most, intimacy.

What a precious thing it is to have intimacy and what a fulfillment it brings into the marriage relationship. Some men have no capacity for it and try to substitute intimacy with other things because of the insecurity and fear that is in their heart. They don't mean to be that way but they are without the ability to change or initiate what is needed. They have never gotten to know the love of God nor had an intimate relationship with Him. Many men do not want to lose their own identity and sacrifice it on the altar to be intimate with their wife. The burden shifts from him to his wife to be the initiator in the marriage. She no longer is the responder to him but feels that she has to initiate something that is intimate and that would be pleasing to him. Over time the love and fire that was there is burned out and the spark is gone and there is no longer any reason to be together.

my prediciment

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