Need advice/help on this topic

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Aug 12, 2018
10
4
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The road traveling around
#1
Ok so last summer I went on a mission trip to Ecuador with TMI. Met a girl named Ella and had/have strong feelings for her. I made a great friend named Jack and he was a few years younger, but still a good guy. Anyway I got home after the entire thing and I felt god was calling me to start getting ready for a relationship. So I do extensive research on the topic and yada yada. A month later I decided hey I should talk to Jack. So I send him a text asking a question about if I should tell Ella about my feelings towards her. Conversation follows, “Hey jack I got a question.” Jack: “ok, what is it, what’s up man” Me: “Remember how I said, back in Ecuador about my feelings about Ella, I think god is leading me towards a relationship with her. What should I do?” Jack: “Has you talk to her at all sense you’ve been back” Me: “Yes I have, everyday or every few days” Jack: “same here So if that is what you think that god wants for you then go” Me: “Well I know god is preparing me for a relationship, it’s just should I wait longer before I confess my feelings?” Jack: “Maybe that be best” Me: (we talked about when I would see her again) and talked about the team we are both going on next summer (Ella is on the same team) Jack: “Sweet I’m going too” Me: “Sweet man, That will be awesome” Jack: “yeah, I have a confession to make.” Me: “ok, shoot” Jack: “I like her two, that’s the problem” Me: “lol ok then” Jack: “Not to bust your bubble but me her we’re really close” Me: “Well I will say this, I have goals that I’m going to need to complete so I won’t want to get in your way if you want to tell her. How you feel about her” Jack: “My brother told me to tell you let the best man win but that’s just my brother.” Me: “lol, You be the best man, I really can wait for god to give me another opportunity for me. Even thou it might suck, it won’t be bad. (Continued text 2 more times) When thinking about this I just want to say that maybe the way we are talking is not honoring :/, Remember what tanner said?” Jack: “yeah absolutely, agreed” (then he had to go to piano practice and conversation ended) so I’m not so sure what to do, he is my friend and I care about him a lot, but I also love Ella. (Sounds like a dramatic movie) anyway I need advice on this. I’m willing to give it up because Ik god probably has a different person in plan for me.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
29,347
7,851
113
65
Florida
#2
Ella is not into you, she is into Jack. I am making the assumption that Jack is in Ecuador where Ella is. Perhaps it would have been better than rather texting Jack about your feelings toward Ella that you actually called Ella and told her yourself. It sounds that you are really infatuated with Ella and not in love with her. Be prepared to take bold decisive action rather than remaining passive if another opportunity comes your way. Oh, seems like Jack was not as such a good friend as you claimed. In your absence he seized the opportunity and apparently took bold decisive action. Feint heart does not win the hand of fair maiden. That's just the way that it is.
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
1,549
1,304
113
#3
Wow, had you wrote that in a way that was easy to read you may have gotten more responses.
Me: blah blah blah
Jack: blah blah blah
Me: blah blah blah
Jack: blah blah blah

As it's written now i can't distinguish between who's talking or what's being said.
 

kinda

Senior Member
Jun 26, 2013
659
229
43
#4
Forget about her. Get a job and pursue your goals. What do you want to do with your life? That's what you should be asking yourself.
 

Kim82

Well-known member
Jun 17, 2018
662
566
93
#5
But why would you chat with Jack about your feelings for Ella? You just met him. He is not your friend. Just a nice acquaintance.

Anyway. He says he and her are close. But I guess you can say the same since y'all have been communicating so often.

You said you loved her. When and how did the love come about? Did she say or do something to make you think she was interested in you?

May the better man win. Well jack has not won her yet. So I guess you are still in the running.

You say you've been chatting with her for a month. Are you usually the one doing the calling or initiating the texting?
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
3,213
1,232
113
#6
Ok so last summer I went on a mission trip to Ecuador with TMI. Met a girl named Ella and had/have strong feelings for her. I made a great friend named Jack and he was a few years younger, but still a good guy. Anyway I got home after the entire thing and I felt god was calling me to start getting ready for a relationship. So I do extensive research on the topic and yada yada. A month later I decided hey I should talk to Jack. So I send him a text asking a question about if I should tell Ella about my feelings towards her. Conversation follows, “Hey jack I got a question.” Jack: “ok, what is it, what’s up man” Me: “Remember how I said, back in Ecuador about my feelings about Ella, I think god is leading me towards a relationship with her. What should I do?” Jack: “Has you talk to her at all sense you’ve been back” Me: “Yes I have, everyday or every few days” Jack: “same here So if that is what you think that god wants for you then go” Me: “Well I know god is preparing me for a relationship, it’s just should I wait longer before I confess my feelings?” Jack: “Maybe that be best” Me: (we talked about when I would see her again) and talked about the team we are both going on next summer (Ella is on the same team) Jack: “Sweet I’m going too” Me: “Sweet man, That will be awesome” Jack: “yeah, I have a confession to make.” Me: “ok, shoot” Jack: “I like her two, that’s the problem” Me: “lol ok then” Jack: “Not to bust your bubble but me her we’re really close” Me: “Well I will say this, I have goals that I’m going to need to complete so I won’t want to get in your way if you want to tell her. How you feel about her” Jack: “My brother told me to tell you let the best man win but that’s just my brother.” Me: “lol, You be the best man, I really can wait for god to give me another opportunity for me. Even thou it might suck, it won’t be bad. (Continued text 2 more times) When thinking about this I just want to say that maybe the way we are talking is not honoring :/, Remember what tanner said?” Jack: “yeah absolutely, agreed” (then he had to go to piano practice and conversation ended) so I’m not so sure what to do, he is my friend and I care about him a lot, but I also love Ella. (Sounds like a dramatic movie) anyway I need advice on this. I’m willing to give it up because Ik god probably has a different person in plan for me.

A little unclear from your post if these were teammates or people in Ecuador you're communicating with. From personal experience I can tell you that the environment, dynamics, and excitement of a short term missions trip tend to create a false sense of closeness. There are a lot of things that you don't see about people while you're on a mission team, and I think it would be rather important to see people in their natural environment before getting too serious about having a relationship. With anything long distance there are also practical considerations that I'd urge you both to think through before officially starting anything.

You sound pretty young and I'm going to guess that TMI stands for something like Teen missions international (rather than too much information), but I will share with you the wisdom God gave me when I was younger and praying through people I thought I loved. When I told God I thought I loved someone, he simply told me then love them well. And loving someone well means wanting and promoting what is best for that person, regardless of what you want. And that means that in my life there's been more than one guy friend and /or crush that I've had to graciously let go of when God brought his wife along. And sometimes it's meant keeping silent and sometimes speaking hard truth. And I won't say I've always done it perfectly, but I do think that if you're going to be thinking about her anyway, praying for God to give her the best he has for her with an openness to the idea that you may not be it (and Jack may not be either) will help keep your heart and emotions in the right place.

Only other advice is to remember that she has a say and a choice in this whole matter and to respect that choice once you know she's made it.
 

Mii

Well-known member
Mar 23, 2019
842
570
93
#7
Interesting quandary.

I've only experienced that a few times in my life and it wasn't exactly pleasant. I prefer no competition. If I'm not the clear winner then alright...this isn't a competition to me. I'm looking for a life partner, if you are interested in being flattered by multiple men striving to "win your affections" then you aren't the woman for me.

Now if there is a quandary for her (supposing that you expressed interest in a letter or a call) and she were having a difficult time deciding that's a little different. I'd just "propose my candidacy" and leave it there. I did that in the past and she chose someone else...alrighty then. Perhaps I wasn't clear enough, perhaps I didn't pursue long enough, perhaps I wasn't there in the right moment. Who knows. I have some pain about it (even 7 years later) but it's done. I had so many dreams about ministry with her and so many unique moments. Ship sailed though...


I would encourage you to pray about expressing clearly defined interest. It seems it could potentially cause a female to become "torn" so take that into consideration. Willing to help as the situation develops but I am single and have been all my life, I want what the Lord wants regarding that and his will in that equation is critical to me, so if that applies to you, be patient. Trust me, I am fully aware of how hard that is.
 

laughingheart

Senior Member
Sep 21, 2016
635
618
93
#8
Hi there. I know it is difficult but you were not being really honest with your friend. You told him you liked this girl, and when he told you he also liked her, you said it was OK and he was the best man. You stepped back and told him to go ahead. Now you know that your friend is going to pursue this girl and you gave it the thumbs up. The person left out of this whole situation is this girl. What does she want? Is she looking for a boyfriend? If you met on a missions trip, are you all from the same city? It is one thing to decide you are ready for a relationship and another thing to meet someone whom you are willing to listen to, care for, and seek their best. You have had some good advice here. Think about why you talked to your buddy instead of her. Ask why you were so willing to give up on approaching a woman you say you love? Cinder has it right when she says you need to spend time with someone in their day to day environment to get a real read on what that person is like and how you interact. Your last line says that Kinda is also right. You say probably has someone different for you. Be honest with yourself. You have a great big life ahead of you. Find your direction and all the best to you.
 

laughingheart

Senior Member
Sep 21, 2016
635
618
93
#9
Hi there. I know it is difficult but you were not being really honest with your friend. You told him you liked this girl, and when he told you he also liked her, you said it was OK and he was the best man. You stepped back and told him to go ahead. Now you know that your friend is going to pursue this girl and you gave it the thumbs up. The person left out of this whole situation is this girl. What does she want? Is she looking for a boyfriend? If you met on a missions trip, are you all from the same city? It is one thing to decide you are ready for a relationship and another thing to meet someone whom you are willing to listen to, care for, and seek their best. You have had some good advice here. Think about why you talked to your buddy instead of her. Ask why you were so willing to give up on approaching a woman you say you love? Cinder has it right when she says you need to spend time with someone in their day to day environment to get a real read on what that person is like and how you interact. Your last line says that Kinda is also right. You say probably has someone different for you. Be honest with yourself. You have a great big life ahead of you. Find your direction and all the best to you.
Oops. I should have said "You say God probably has someone different for you."
 

Dan58

Senior Member
Nov 13, 2013
1,971
303
83
#10
Just let Ella know that you like her and let her decide.. She may not even be interested in you or Jack. If she were going with someone, I'd respect that and not interfere, but if she's free and unattached, go ahead and show some interest. You can probably tell if she's interested in you just by talking to her regularly. If she happens to decide on Jack, then you'll know her choice. Its not a competition, its just a matter of making yourself accessible and letting the chips fall where they may.
 
Aug 12, 2018
10
4
3
17
The road traveling around
#11
Just let Ella know that you like her and let her decide.. She may not even be interested in you or Jack. If she were going with someone, I'd respect that and not interfere, but if she's free and unattached, go ahead and show some interest. You can probably tell if she's interested in you just by talking to her regularly. If she happens to decide on Jack, then you'll know her choice. Its not a competition, its just a matter of making yourself accessible and letting the chips fall where they may.
Exactly not a compilation at all. I just don’t want to ruin my friendship with jack over a girl we both like. Anyway I’m still working on growing up got a year left until I move out, I should not even worry about a relationship to be honest.
 

Mii

Well-known member
Mar 23, 2019
842
570
93
#12
Exactly not a compilation at all. I just don’t want to ruin my friendship with jack over a girl we both like. Anyway I’m still working on growing up got a year left until I move out, I should not even worry about a relationship to be honest.
Pretty mature advice for yourself right there. I'd be proud of another believer that behaved this way :eek:

I think purity should be the foremost commitment always on the forefront but I've always kept the door open at most times in my life. Focus on the Lord and he will direct your paths.

My brother broke it off with a girl because it was a distraction toward his purpose (he's 20). So similar and I have respect for that. There's no harm in putting something on the backburner. I put one interest on the backburner for half a decade lol.

I'm not him though, I remember my thoughts, I was willing to give it a lot of my attention if not all of it, probably why the Lord has not given me many opportunities. Now when a potential pops up I'm much more critical so I would say that maturity does bring a LOT to the table. Twas not at my insistence though ;)


I had a lot for him to work out of me though. Definitely still is in that area but I feel like most of the work is complete.
 

Kim82

Well-known member
Jun 17, 2018
662
566
93
#13
It must be a very confusing thing when two or more persons are interested in a particular person at the same time.

And what when the two or more persons may all just be pretending to be mr or miss right. How does the person choose?

If the person is keeping their options open, getting to know all her/his pursuers, by keeping them all as friends which I guess would include activities like watching a movie together or going for lunch, is that a bad thing? Should the pursuers act churlish about that?
 

Mel85

Daughter of the True King
Mar 28, 2018
9,038
5,315
113
#14
I say go and get yourself a good donut to eat :)

And also pray to God about what He wants for you, not what you want (Jeremiah 29:11).
 

1christian1

Well-known member
Sep 13, 2018
799
256
63
#15
Ok so last summer I went on a mission trip to Ecuador with TMI. Met a girl named Ella and had/have strong feelings for her. I made a great friend named Jack and he was a few years younger, but still a good guy. Anyway I got home after the entire thing and I felt god was calling me to start getting ready for a relationship. So I do extensive research on the topic and yada yada. A month later I decided hey I should talk to Jack. So I send him a text asking a question about if I should tell Ella about my feelings towards her. Conversation follows, “Hey jack I got a question.” Jack: “ok, what is it, what’s up man” Me: “Remember how I said, back in Ecuador about my feelings about Ella, I think god is leading me towards a relationship with her. What should I do?” Jack: “Has you talk to her at all sense you’ve been back” Me: “Yes I have, everyday or every few days” Jack: “same here So if that is what you think that god wants for you then go” Me: “Well I know god is preparing me for a relationship, it’s just should I wait longer before I confess my feelings?” Jack: “Maybe that be best” Me: (we talked about when I would see her again) and talked about the team we are both going on next summer (Ella is on the same team) Jack: “Sweet I’m going too” Me: “Sweet man, That will be awesome” Jack: “yeah, I have a confession to make.” Me: “ok, shoot” Jack: “I like her two, that’s the problem” Me: “lol ok then” Jack: “Not to bust your bubble but me her we’re really close” Me: “Well I will say this, I have goals that I’m going to need to complete so I won’t want to get in your way if you want to tell her. How you feel about her” Jack: “My brother told me to tell you let the best man win but that’s just my brother.” Me: “lol, You be the best man, I really can wait for god to give me another opportunity for me. Even thou it might suck, it won’t be bad. (Continued text 2 more times) When thinking about this I just want to say that maybe the way we are talking is not honoring :/, Remember what tanner said?” Jack: “yeah absolutely, agreed” (then he had to go to piano practice and conversation ended) so I’m not so sure what to do, he is my friend and I care about him a lot, but I also love Ella. (Sounds like a dramatic movie) anyway I need advice on this. I’m willing to give it up because Ik god probably has a different person in plan for me.

It sounds to me like puberty is kicking in... It will get better in time.
 

morefaithrequired

Well-known member
Sep 28, 2019
2,194
1,238
113
#16
If you and her are meant to be together it will occur without you fighting to win her.
One day this will all be a funny story or memory.
dont stress..she may not be as perfect as you think