-
Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.
If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!
To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
C
I have been on the nice guys finish last list more than i care to count. I'm not needy be any means seeing as how i too like to have some "me" time. I have just found the wrong women. i believe we need to pray and trust that God will lead us to the one that He has for us. i believe too often we look without listening to God and then we end up as the guy who finishes last.
I really like the distinction between "nice" and "needy"--I had never thought about that before and it makes perfect sense. I think that most nice guys I've met are a blend of the two and that's what makes it difficult.
I have a guy friend I've known for a long time and he is the type of guy who, if you asked him, would saw off his own arm and give it to you in a heartbeat. But that's the thing--he is too busy being nice to be able to stand up for himself or anyone else. I was talking to him on the phone once because he was pleading with me to spend more time with him (he literally wanted to spend every day with me and I couldn't handle it) and his niece kept coming in his room and interrupting. He kept pleading with her to give him a few minutes (her Mom and his Mom were there too so it's not like he was watching her by himself) and instead of putting his foot down with her and saying he'd be with her as soon as he got off the phone, he kept begging her, "Please, Megan... please..."
That sealed it in my mind. I thought to myself, "If he can't stand up to a 4-year-old girl, how in the world is he going to be able to stand up to me?" With a guy like that... you can picture being in public and maybe some guy's harassing you... and you picture a nice guy saying, "Um, sure... go ahead and take her, and have a nice day," instead of saying or doing anything to come to your defense.
I'll tell you guys a secret, at least, one of mine: women are attracted to bad boys because unfortunately, we perceive some of them to be "strong." A woman wants a man who will stand up for her, their children, household, etc., and unfortunately, sometimes we interpret a man who will get into fights and beat others' butts to defend his honor as meaning that he will do the same to protect her honor and that of their supposed family that she is dreaming of in her head.
I guess I can only speak for myself, but I'm a headstrong person who makes mistakes and I need a guy who is willing to stand his ground with me if I'm headed in the wrong direction. I think women secretly want a man who will fight with them a little bit because we think it shows that they care. Case in point: when I was married, a girl was kidnapped at gunpoint in the parking lot of a large grocery store we used to go to all the time (and it happened in the middle of the afternoon.) My then-husband (who was a nice guy but also very strong-willed and not afraid at all to stand up for himself or me) insisted that from then on, I was not to go to this store without him being with me.
I argued a little bit for the sake of argument but inside, I felt loved and protected.
"Nice" and/or "needy" guys are too afraid to argue with a woman because they think she'll leave, not talk to him, reject him... etc.
I need someone who is confident to stand up for what he believes, even if it means getting into a fight with me, and trust that we can work it out with God's help, and if we don't, he has to have enough backbone and self-identity to know he can go on. I think a lot of "nice" and/or "needy" guys cling on and always give in because above all, they don't want to lose her--I used to think that was all right, but now I know that's not for me at all.
I have a guy friend I've known for a long time and he is the type of guy who, if you asked him, would saw off his own arm and give it to you in a heartbeat. But that's the thing--he is too busy being nice to be able to stand up for himself or anyone else. I was talking to him on the phone once because he was pleading with me to spend more time with him (he literally wanted to spend every day with me and I couldn't handle it) and his niece kept coming in his room and interrupting. He kept pleading with her to give him a few minutes (her Mom and his Mom were there too so it's not like he was watching her by himself) and instead of putting his foot down with her and saying he'd be with her as soon as he got off the phone, he kept begging her, "Please, Megan... please..."
That sealed it in my mind. I thought to myself, "If he can't stand up to a 4-year-old girl, how in the world is he going to be able to stand up to me?" With a guy like that... you can picture being in public and maybe some guy's harassing you... and you picture a nice guy saying, "Um, sure... go ahead and take her, and have a nice day," instead of saying or doing anything to come to your defense.
I'll tell you guys a secret, at least, one of mine: women are attracted to bad boys because unfortunately, we perceive some of them to be "strong." A woman wants a man who will stand up for her, their children, household, etc., and unfortunately, sometimes we interpret a man who will get into fights and beat others' butts to defend his honor as meaning that he will do the same to protect her honor and that of their supposed family that she is dreaming of in her head.
I guess I can only speak for myself, but I'm a headstrong person who makes mistakes and I need a guy who is willing to stand his ground with me if I'm headed in the wrong direction. I think women secretly want a man who will fight with them a little bit because we think it shows that they care. Case in point: when I was married, a girl was kidnapped at gunpoint in the parking lot of a large grocery store we used to go to all the time (and it happened in the middle of the afternoon.) My then-husband (who was a nice guy but also very strong-willed and not afraid at all to stand up for himself or me) insisted that from then on, I was not to go to this store without him being with me.
I argued a little bit for the sake of argument but inside, I felt loved and protected.
"Nice" and/or "needy" guys are too afraid to argue with a woman because they think she'll leave, not talk to him, reject him... etc.
I need someone who is confident to stand up for what he believes, even if it means getting into a fight with me, and trust that we can work it out with God's help, and if we don't, he has to have enough backbone and self-identity to know he can go on. I think a lot of "nice" and/or "needy" guys cling on and always give in because above all, they don't want to lose her--I used to think that was all right, but now I know that's not for me at all.
M
*applause*
Well said, Seoulsearch, well said. I especially like the part about wanting a guy who will disagree with you a little. I mean, seriously, how interesting is this conversation:
Her: "I think symphonies should consider incorporating film scores into their repertoire or orchestrations of more popular hits in order to bring in a younger audience or else they will lose their audience in a generation or less."
Him: "Me too."
Her: "I think Tom Hanks is one of the finest living actors because he's been able to effectively pull off so many different kinds of personalities."
Him: "Oh yeah, me too."
Her: "I think the education system in America needs to be re-evaluated."
Him: "Me too."
*yawn* Anyone still awake?
Now I'm not saying that guys should disagree with everything a girl says - I'm just saying to please, please, PLEASE have your own opinions. Which comes back around to just being yourself.
Because here's the thing: If you're disagreeing with something we say, it means you were listening...
Well said, Seoulsearch, well said. I especially like the part about wanting a guy who will disagree with you a little. I mean, seriously, how interesting is this conversation:
Her: "I think symphonies should consider incorporating film scores into their repertoire or orchestrations of more popular hits in order to bring in a younger audience or else they will lose their audience in a generation or less."
Him: "Me too."
Her: "I think Tom Hanks is one of the finest living actors because he's been able to effectively pull off so many different kinds of personalities."
Him: "Oh yeah, me too."
Her: "I think the education system in America needs to be re-evaluated."
Him: "Me too."
*yawn* Anyone still awake?
Now I'm not saying that guys should disagree with everything a girl says - I'm just saying to please, please, PLEASE have your own opinions. Which comes back around to just being yourself.
Because here's the thing: If you're disagreeing with something we say, it means you were listening...
MusicalMe: EXCELLENT point about a little disagreement being a sign that a guy is truly listening.
I have also observed that many, not all, but far too many women have gone through terrible things, especially when they were young, and so, even if they don't outwardly admit it (because they may hide it with a tough exterior), they look for or are attracted to the "worst" guys because they think that is the only type of guy who will protect them from further harm. The thing they don't realize is that a man who is used to letting his temper fly and get out of control will not be able to control it around them, either. But in a woman's mind, she will say to herself, "I can feel safe with him because if anyone else tries to hurt me, this guy will take care of him for me." It doesn't make it right by any means (it's not right for a woman to choose an abuser, and it's not right for someone to abuse other people) but sometimes when you've been damaged that much, that's what a woman will think. Not all women, but many I've known--even the ones who seem to be the strongest and most independent.
They don't want a nice guy because nice guys are seen as not being able to protect them from more harm or help heal all the pain inside, which is what they're hoping for. Many women believe that if they have a guy who is threatening everyone around her who may give her trouble and lavishing enough love on her, she'll be safe, protected, and on her way to recovering from the past.
Of course, this crosses many boundaries because we are to look to God as our foundation first.
I know I'm going into some extremes here but I see it happen time and time again (including myself--I was very blessed to have escaped a lot of harm but everyone has their own struggles.)
So what's the answer? I know that for myself, I have to get to a point (I'm still working on it) to where I know God is my true source above anything else... I told God, my whole life, I'd set my sights on someone and say, "That's the one, God, that's the one I want to be with, will you please make a way for us to get married?" And it was a disaster. This time, I've asked God for the one HE chooses for me instead.
Ten years and counting!! But I hope when I meet him, I'm everything I need to be to help him fulfill his calling... and vice versa.
I have also observed that many, not all, but far too many women have gone through terrible things, especially when they were young, and so, even if they don't outwardly admit it (because they may hide it with a tough exterior), they look for or are attracted to the "worst" guys because they think that is the only type of guy who will protect them from further harm. The thing they don't realize is that a man who is used to letting his temper fly and get out of control will not be able to control it around them, either. But in a woman's mind, she will say to herself, "I can feel safe with him because if anyone else tries to hurt me, this guy will take care of him for me." It doesn't make it right by any means (it's not right for a woman to choose an abuser, and it's not right for someone to abuse other people) but sometimes when you've been damaged that much, that's what a woman will think. Not all women, but many I've known--even the ones who seem to be the strongest and most independent.
They don't want a nice guy because nice guys are seen as not being able to protect them from more harm or help heal all the pain inside, which is what they're hoping for. Many women believe that if they have a guy who is threatening everyone around her who may give her trouble and lavishing enough love on her, she'll be safe, protected, and on her way to recovering from the past.
Of course, this crosses many boundaries because we are to look to God as our foundation first.
I know I'm going into some extremes here but I see it happen time and time again (including myself--I was very blessed to have escaped a lot of harm but everyone has their own struggles.)
So what's the answer? I know that for myself, I have to get to a point (I'm still working on it) to where I know God is my true source above anything else... I told God, my whole life, I'd set my sights on someone and say, "That's the one, God, that's the one I want to be with, will you please make a way for us to get married?" And it was a disaster. This time, I've asked God for the one HE chooses for me instead.
Ten years and counting!! But I hope when I meet him, I'm everything I need to be to help him fulfill his calling... and vice versa.
C
Those are good points Kim, and I agree that many women have been through terrible things that lead them to seek out men that treat them badly. I was incredibly blessed to have my father as an amazing example of what a man is supposed to be like. He's kind, gentle and loving, but he's as tough as they come when he needs to be.
I know it's easier said than done, but men and women alike need to realize that God doesn't want you to be treated badly. He loves us and when you think that you don't deserve better, you're really insulting God. I know that sounds harsh, but when you think of it that way it makes you think how important it is to respect yourself. Step back and try and see yourself as God sees you.
Whenever I hear about women seeking out men to heal their pain I feel so bad because they won't find it and they'll be in so much more pain. Only Christ can fill that void.
I know it's easier said than done, but men and women alike need to realize that God doesn't want you to be treated badly. He loves us and when you think that you don't deserve better, you're really insulting God. I know that sounds harsh, but when you think of it that way it makes you think how important it is to respect yourself. Step back and try and see yourself as God sees you.
Whenever I hear about women seeking out men to heal their pain I feel so bad because they won't find it and they'll be in so much more pain. Only Christ can fill that void.
G
I don't believe that nice guys finish last. Both of my roommates (who are not good Christian guys) have girlfiends right now, and they like to rub it in my face occasionally. It may seem like I'm finishing last, but honestly I would rather be single for the rest of my life then ever have the kind of relationships they have. Romance is just like anything else in life.... When we as Christians conduct ourselves in a manner that brings glory to God, eventually God gives us what we deserve. If we conduct ourselves in a worldy way, then we will bring all kinds of trouble to our own lives. I would never, ever want what my roommates have. I don't think I am finishing last just because God is working on other things in my life right now and saving romance for later.
G
Their relationships are not built on godly values. One of my roommates and his g/f claim to be Christians. They are active in church, and they talk about the Christian faith all the time... The problem is, he hasn't slept in this house in well over a year. That's the kind of relationship I would never have, ever.