Oscar the Grouch (Flirting or Friendliness?)

[seoulsearch]

Hello Everyone,

Have you ever been jealous of a friend who seems to flirt a lot and get tons of attention for it? I have a friend at work who regularly has guys throwing themselves at her feet because she's a beautiful girl and very good at "talking the talk" (joking, trading sarcasm, etc.)

I've seen guys bring her food and gifts on various occasions... whereas, I am seen as "the unfriendly one" because I'm pretty straightforward--I'm friendly enough for the situation, I think, but I lack that... whatever it is that apparently gets guys' attention.

After spending a long time wishing I had that "whatever it was", I've come to the conclusion that it's ok to be seen as "the unfriendly, undatable one" because:

1. On several occasions (not all, but few), the guys who beg her to go out with them are married.
2. They make a lot of overtly sexual comments to her and while she plays it off, they get to a point where they just expect her to put up with it (and then she wants ME to wait on them instead because they don't act like that around me.)

Have you noticed this kind of trend, too? That if you don't put up with some of the stupid/offensive/sexist comments and so forth... people of the opposite gender call you harsh names because of it?

Now I know the good Christian answer is to say, "Well, you wouldn't want that kind of attention as a Christian anyway," but it still sometimes stings to always be seen as the leftovers and lets face it--it's not always just the non-Christians who are acting this way--often we have to put up with these kinds of issues from those who claim to be good, God-fearing people...

So... what have your experiences been? Have you tried to make yourself more flirtatious to get more attention? How has it worked out? Or, have you finally decided... that it's ok sometimes that members of the opposite gender often see you as the leftovers among your friends... but it still kind of stings inside.

 

[eelhsa]

I can definitely say that I have never been the flirtatious type, and guys have never really noticed me, or paid much attention to me at all. I have not dated much at all, only once, for a year and a half, and that was five years ago now.

Sometimes it gets discouraging, and it's not that I want excessive attention, or for the wrong reasons at all, but it would be nice to be noticed by the right kind of young man, and for the right kind of reasons.

I have strong morals and values, and I have stuck to these for many years, I have also always been more on the quiet side, and in highschool there were a few of the more popular students who thought I was stuck up because of this, and they called me names. They did the same to my friend who was also quiet. So, people can definitely get the wrong idea when it seems you don't really have much to say.

And it could be that this girl you work with feels enjoyment out of getting the attention and plays off of it, but there comes a point where she no longer has fun with it anymore. (And so she asks you to take over serving them). So, maybe she even wishes that guys gave her LESS attention, but she's just so used to acting a certain way that she's not sure how to change it.

Anyway, I don't think that not being overly flirtatious makes you a grouch at all, everyone is different. I can understand how it can be painful to not be noticed when another girl is. Although, Christian or not, I do believe that that kind of attention is superficial for the most part, and may give some satisfaction for a short time, but overall, I think it would just cause more problems and discontentment.

 

[Chico_Zimbabwe]

1. On several occasions (not all, but few), the guys who beg her to go out with them are married.
2. They make a lot of overtly sexual comments to her and while she plays it off, they get to a point where they just expect her to put up with it (and then she wants ME to wait on them instead because they don't act like that around me.)

.

"Married men"? "Overtly sexual comments"? These guys think your friend is easy. That's the wrong kind of attention and don't be jealous of it. Work on your character instead.

 

[Leilaii425]

I have had the opposite experience. Im very rude, very sarcastic, yet guys seem to be attracted to that for some reason. For example, in here i have written on my pm box chances are i wont like you, so dont talk to me. Yet everytime i go in the chat room i get like five or six guys private messaging me. I dont get it, i am clearly saying DONT TALK TO ME. In actual life as well, it seems the more sarcastic i am the more guys try and talk to me! In all actuality im just not a nice person, but i believe i may have to start becoming one! I try and put off the signal i dont wanna talk to you, it doesnt work. Maybe if i was more flirtatious the guys would leave me alone.

 

[Kyra]

Chico stole my thunder. I had this great passionate reply, about 5 paragraphs long, all typed out. But he pretty much said it. *sigh*

I completely get you seoulsearch. I try to remember- like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion...and then... charm is deceitful and beauty is vain but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised- booyah! That's you! You aren't the leftovers, you are the one keeping clear of the muck, and that is worthy of praise.

 

[JesusChaser]

I think Kyra pretty much hit it spot on. So many times we try to fit with the in croud and forget that we are to be set apart from the world and it's ways. That means every part of our lives, that includes dating and relationships. Too many people get lust and love confused. And especially being Christians we are held to higher standards so that means we should be depending more on God to take care of these things and less of ourselves. When I think of your situation Seoulsearch I think of the Proverbs 31 woman. I think we should rejoice that we stick out and different from everyone else when it comes to this and every other part of our lives. When it comes down to it, if a relationship is built on outside appearance it will more than not crumble away. It's the inside that counts.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Forget the flirting. Just learn to smile and relax more often. If a woman seems happy, relaxed and fun to be around guys will find them attractive. You dont have to be nice and courteous you just have to seem like you enjoy being you. Yea it might be an act but its a very powerful act that will bring the admirers and er....maybe stalkers too lol. Did that just rhyme?? lol

 

[seoulsearch]

Hi Everyone,

I'm really enjoying your replies--thank you for participating in this discussion... Leilaii--I think you have a good point in highlighting a very strange phenomenon--I've noticed this about a lot of guys as well (Christian ones at that) who say they "like a challenge."

I actually have two friends I'm thinking about as I write this thread--one is still kind of in the party phase and the other is out of the party phase and now heavily into church and very responsible. Both are extremely sarcastic, especially to guys, and it just seems to attract them like flies... and not all of them are creeps, some are very nice guys (a few over the years that I liked as well, but they always went for my friends--it's the classic, "the meaner they are, the more they're attracted") which always puzzles me, but hey...

As for me, I never went through a party phase... and am usually teased because of it, but that's ok. I do work very hard on my character and hopefully someday someone will appreciate that--if not, well, it's nice to know there are other under-appreciated here on CC that I can talk to!

Please feel free to continue adding your thoughts... thanks so much for participating in this thread!

 

[Matthew]

I have neve been friends with those type of people because for the majority of my life I have always been thier opposite so I could never relate to them nor them to me, when I was younger I envied thier ability to just be open and almost immediately get along with people and be really friendly. especially with the opposite sex which hasn't ever been easy for me.

As I got older, around 16-18 I tried to be that way but it didn't really work and I just ended up making a fool of myself around my friends and co-workers, so now I just be who I am and accept the fact that I am not that way and to some extent I will always be a little a envious of those who are.

That said I am old enough now to recognise that despite the benefit that type of personality brings it also has it's downsides, people like that get easy attention but it is often attention that is not worth having because it can be that people don't ever see who that person really is and they are shallow relationships.

I am naturally quiet and some might say boring, I seem that way on the outside and so often people don't see anything in me that makes them want to look deeper and find out who I really am, so I find it hard to make friends, but I imagine it's just as hard for those flirtatious people to only be seen for what is on the surface and nothing else.

 

[seoulsearch]

It's ok to be "quiet and boring"... I find those are some of the most interesting people.

 

[Sharp]

yes loud people who always talk are annoying. people who only talk sometimes are way more interesting.