"Please Don't Try to Change _________ About Me..."

[seoulsearch]

Hey Singles,

In talking about dating and relationships, we know that there is a lot of discussion about someone trying to change us--whether it be parents or well-meaning friends saying we need to do this or that to find someone, or maybe it's the person we're interested that in turn tries to change us...

Now, I fully believe in constructive feedback and realize that sometimes, it can include hard truths. After all, the Bible tells that to refuse wise instruction is foolish and destructive, and sometimes, it's God Himself who is trying to change us.

BUT on the other hand... God makes us into unique individuals with our own personalities and quirks. What things do you know are "you" and will never change? What are some things people try to change about you that you know are things you need to stand your ground on?

For example, someone who would want to become close to me, whether as a friend or as my potential spouse, will have to accept that I:

1. Am a natural-born morning person who has to go to bed early and get up early to feel human. I've tried all sorts of experiments to try to change this, but know this is how I am. If I marry a night person, I'm sure we could compromise, but he wouldn't be able to change this about me!

2. Love cartoons and comic strips (Garfield, Dilbert, Scooby-Doo, the old Spider-Man and Justice League of America, etc.) and always will.

3. Have a strong heart for inmates, war veterans, and both perpetrators and victims of abuse--not many guys would want a wife who is interested in talking to these populations... but if that's where God has called me, it can't be changed--though I would be listen to his leadership regarding how I would go about serving in these areas. I hope to find someone who would be supportive of my ministry interests and maybe even share them himself.

4. Am not interested in getting a tattoo or piercings myself (I have no "inkings" and only one piercing in each ear), but am VERY drawn to other people who have them and LOVE to ask and talk to people about them--to me, each one has a story, and I love hearing about other people's stories and experiences.

What about you? What things do you know someone will never change about you?

 

[VikkiKate89]

Having been in a very abusive relationship where I had allowed the man I was with change me to the point where I was pretty much programmed to run the way he wanted me to and I didn't dare do anything without double checking to make sure it wouldn't set him off in any way shape or form... to me the sentence with the blank filled in would be, "Please don't try to change ANYTHING about me." I believe we should never ever date someone we want to change and the same should be said the other way around.

 

[grace]

I like this thread Kim.

Off the top of my head, the things that I know that no one can change about me are:

~I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE thrift stores! Even if I had a lot of money, I will still go to thrift stores and flea markets! I love a bargain, I love how ecclectic they can be, I love how they are ever changing. I love everything about them!

~I think each person has an outlet. Most often it is a creative outlet. They are musically talented, or they write or draw etc. Me? I re-do furniture. LOL I know, I know...maybe a bit odd? lol Some people bring home stray animals...I bring home pieces of furniture that people can no longer see life in, and go to work on it. It is just a great feeling to me to turn someone else's junk, into a new treasure.

~You will never change that I will always be my childrens #1 cheerleader! They are super great kids, how can I not be?!

~You will never change about me that, no matter where I live...even if it ends up being in a big city, that I am a country girl @ heart. I have no problem stylin' the high heels, but I also have no problem feeling just as comfortable in my *mudders* doing outside work. (Someday, I am sure I will own my dream log home sitting beside a lovely stream. ~bliss~)

 

[Liamson]

I would change everything, short of God, for someone.

If they wanted me to run 5 miles every morning with them I would. If they wanted me to sell everything I owned and move across the country I would. If they needed a kidney, I would give it to them. If they wanted me to never see the sun again, I would. For love I would give up having children. I would change my name. I would learn whatever language they wanted me to. All I am and everything that is me, is designed to serve Love.

The Nature of Love is that it will go wherever. It will not ask. It won't struggle. It won't seek for itself. Its is always faithful. Love conquers all, including me.

 

[seoulsearch]

Wow, Liamson... I can totally understand your perspective and admire your willingness to have a malleable heart and character...

I agree with you on many points--language and culture, moving to a faraway place, giving up certain things--with the help of God, I could do that for someone.

However, something I've found in my experiences is that a person has to have a strong sense of who they are--many people get into relationships and, with the best of intentions, allow everything about themselves to be changed... only to find out later that this isn't really love. Hence, the marriages that tank after sometimes 30 years or whatever--because the person or persons involved thought their identities could be found within each other--and once they find that isn't true, they want to leave in order to "be who they really are."

While it's true to an extent that sometimes you learn more about yourself through another person, I personally believe that we all have an individual identity as well that can only be tampered with so much--some people are designed to be more "moldable" than others, depending on God's unique design for their life.

Again, this is only my personal observation, but there I truly believe there is a certain "limit" as to how much you can change for another person, and you can only do it for so long--as soon as the "being in love" high wears off, whether it takes days, months, or a few years--you'll simply wind up being resentful towards the other person and blame them for causing you to lose who you are.

However, I do think you're touching on a slightly different but also very important topic--sacrifice--which of course, is very important in any relationship, but as with everything, a balance has to be found...

 

[kiwi_OT]

Lol Grace I love your oddities!

Im exactly the same as you. I absolutely love second hand stores. And this sounds creepy but I also love the smell of antique stores and second hand bookstores. It smells like history!! I have a 50 year old book I found called 'Notes on the Parables' and its written by some old Archbishop, and it smells like old paper, ink and dare I say it tobacco. I love those smells!
My fiance and I still have childish guilty pleasures we allow the other to have that help us relax. For example I have an old gameboy of mine that I still have from when I was a kid and it has the only game Ive ever owned - Pokemon Red. In a rare blue moon I pull it out and play it for a day or so then put it away for another year. I hardly tell anyone because it feels like such a weird thing for a 22 year old professional woman to admit enjoying. With my partner he is 34 and still loves to this day those old computer games from the early 90s like arctic ice, dangerous dave, space invaders etc. He even has an old DOS computer that he has just to tinker with old programs (yeah hes a nerd and I love him and wouldnt change anything lol)

The only thing I did change, was when I first met him online he told me he owned more than 10 computers. I said "Yeah.. Uhh if this relationship is going to go anywhere we're gonna have to deal with that.." Now between us we have 4 computers and thats enough.

 

[Jullianna]

I couldn’t (or wouldn’t) compromise my faith, the importance of being a good mother to my son, my family ties, my core values or work ethic, being a neatfreak, being a health/exercise freak (in spite of my fondness for chocolate, Dr Pepper and gummybears J ), and the fact that I’m a strongwilled tomboy. It’s just who I am…

Military brats are extremely adaptable with regard to peripheral things though. We actually tend to love change. Sometimes even crave it. J

 

[Liamson]

Well, from my experience a huge red flag is dating someone who is always, "don't ask about that, don't touch that, don't look at that..." eventually I figure out that I'm pretty much in her relationship box, which is bubble wrapped and duct tape shut so that I can't hurt her. Her life is like a museum, most of her rooms are covered in police tape and the rest of her house is like a museum with velvet ropes. I didn't know if I was a boyfriend or some kind of tourist.

 

[Jullianna]

That sounds like a creepy wax museum kinda thing, Liamson.

Seriously though, it IS a red flag when people start with the I don't want to talk about that or don't touch that part of my life thing. Lots of healing needs to take place if it's still that tender...

 

[NukePooch]

I don't want anyone to change anything about me...so I don't bother dating anyone.

It's been said that all men look for a woman who will stay the same forever, and all women look for a man that they can change into what they want.