Questions For Single Parents Who Are Waiting Until Later to Date.
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If I were in a situation where I had children still at home & was single, I would definitely do 2 very important things:
1. Explain immediately to my children that I am looking to remarry. Why? It would prepare them ahead of time if the "right" one happened to bounce into my life. I wouldn't know when that would be, so my children would be prepared whether I remarried or not. They need to know up front that I might remarry & give them time to get over it.
2. I would need to work with my children to teach them independence. Again, it's for their good in case they can't get along with Mrs. Right.
This way, my children would be prepared & so would I. It's not right for loving, respectable kids to make a parent's life miserable with their selfishness.
1. Explain immediately to my children that I am looking to remarry. Why? It would prepare them ahead of time if the "right" one happened to bounce into my life. I wouldn't know when that would be, so my children would be prepared whether I remarried or not. They need to know up front that I might remarry & give them time to get over it.
2. I would need to work with my children to teach them independence. Again, it's for their good in case they can't get along with Mrs. Right.
This way, my children would be prepared & so would I. It's not right for loving, respectable kids to make a parent's life miserable with their selfishness.
C
That's awesome SCG. I've been piloting my Millennium Falcon Han Solo for about that same amount of time.
How old are the kids now? Mine two are 8, nearly 9 and 10, nearly 11 (birthdays are coming up SOON.)
Kids who visit their non-custodial parent (or shared custody parent) seem to start seeing the differences between the two parents very quickly.
How old are the kids now? Mine two are 8, nearly 9 and 10, nearly 11 (birthdays are coming up SOON.)
Kids who visit their non-custodial parent (or shared custody parent) seem to start seeing the differences between the two parents very quickly.
S
Hi I am a single mom of 2 kids.for me is difficult to date a men after being 4 years only for my kids. Sometimes I wish I could date someone who put god in first place in his life but them I think and I get scaring of date someone age.
I just pray to god and wait for him .
I learn that God time is perfect
I just pray to god and wait for him .
I learn that God time is perfect
So, I'm just going to put my two cents, coming from a child's perspective. I wished my mom had dated and married after my father died. My brother on the other hand, might not have handled it to well, but then again, he might have, and since he was 18, well he was a grown up, to a point, it also might have helped him to become more independent. It also might have helped me in a lot of ways.
I think many of you don't realize that children probably can handle you getting remarried a lot more then you think. And sometimes, they are just acting like spoiled little brats, to get their own way. And that way is not always the best thing for them. Stephen's idea of prepping your child for potentially getting remarried might be the wise idea. If your child is use to the idea that you may remarry, they eventually might be willing to accept who you remarry, and maybe even faster, then if you've never prepared them.
I think many of you don't realize that children probably can handle you getting remarried a lot more then you think. And sometimes, they are just acting like spoiled little brats, to get their own way. And that way is not always the best thing for them. Stephen's idea of prepping your child for potentially getting remarried might be the wise idea. If your child is use to the idea that you may remarry, they eventually might be willing to accept who you remarry, and maybe even faster, then if you've never prepared them.
I know a lot of people who are so thankful for their step-parents and their influence in their childhood. I really feel like every circumstance is completely different. If mine were really young I might feel very different about waiting. Why deprive young children of a wonderful additional parent, if you find someone who loves them and wants to help you raise them?
Those who choose to remain single and devote those years to raising their kids are definitely doing something wonderful too. I am so much closer to my girls now. We were always close, but the last several years have afforded us some amazing memories together that we will all carry forever. I know that if I had remarried, many of those probably wouldn't have happened.
God has a plan for each of us, and none of those plans are going to look the same. Whether we wait or remarry with kids still at home, as long as we pray and follow God's leading, things will work out.
Those who choose to remain single and devote those years to raising their kids are definitely doing something wonderful too. I am so much closer to my girls now. We were always close, but the last several years have afforded us some amazing memories together that we will all carry forever. I know that if I had remarried, many of those probably wouldn't have happened.
God has a plan for each of us, and none of those plans are going to look the same. Whether we wait or remarry with kids still at home, as long as we pray and follow God's leading, things will work out.
1. Does the thought of waiting to date or find companionship until your child is grown make you feel second best? Do you feel you have to sacrifice everything for your children? Are you all right with that or... what about the times when you may want to say, "What about ME?"
I don't feel second best, or like I'm making a huge sacrifice, no. Honestly, I need some waiting time for myself. I do notice that I am getting older every year though.
2. How would you handle it if your child never wanted to "allow" you to date? I'm seeing this now with people in middle age--their aging parents are now single or widowed and dating, and the grown adult children are having as many or more problems with it as would a younger child. Do you see yourself having a talk with your child in regards to telling them that you are an adult and have a right to find an adult companion?
My kids know that when they are over 18, I'm going to date if I want to. One is completely supportive, and the other has some insecurities and fears that prevent her from being on-board, but she understands that I need to live my own life too.
3. Could you date or marry someone you really loved, but your child did not like? I'm not talking about things such as reasonable warning signs the child might see that you may be willing to overlook (perhaps your child thinks the person you are dating gets angry too easily, doesn't treat you well, lives recklessly, etc.) but rather, what if your child didn't like this person in the way that your best friend might not get along with him or her, but you love them anyway?
This would depend on why my child didn't like them, and how the guy felt about it. If the dislike is unfounded, and the guy wasn't really bothered by it, perhaps. If it bothered him a lot, or the feeling was mutual between the two, or there was a legitimate reason for the dislike, probably not. It would add a lot of extra stress to the marriage.
But maybe there are other considerations the rest of us need to know?
Texas requires a Divorce Care class for parents going through divorce. I was expecting a lot of different things, but 80% of the class was about recognizing sexual predators and protecting your kids. A huge majority of sexual abuse happens with a trusted family member or close friend, and often it's a step-parent. We were taught the signs of grooming, the targets that predators look for (single parents who seem distracted with other things, parents of poor or unkept kids, things like that) and the statistics which were shocking to me. That really made me pause in thinking about dating while my daughters are still living at home. Not that I'm jumping at every shadow. I just know that the best defense is being aware and watching for signs.
I don't feel second best, or like I'm making a huge sacrifice, no. Honestly, I need some waiting time for myself. I do notice that I am getting older every year though.
2. How would you handle it if your child never wanted to "allow" you to date? I'm seeing this now with people in middle age--their aging parents are now single or widowed and dating, and the grown adult children are having as many or more problems with it as would a younger child. Do you see yourself having a talk with your child in regards to telling them that you are an adult and have a right to find an adult companion?
My kids know that when they are over 18, I'm going to date if I want to. One is completely supportive, and the other has some insecurities and fears that prevent her from being on-board, but she understands that I need to live my own life too.
3. Could you date or marry someone you really loved, but your child did not like? I'm not talking about things such as reasonable warning signs the child might see that you may be willing to overlook (perhaps your child thinks the person you are dating gets angry too easily, doesn't treat you well, lives recklessly, etc.) but rather, what if your child didn't like this person in the way that your best friend might not get along with him or her, but you love them anyway?
This would depend on why my child didn't like them, and how the guy felt about it. If the dislike is unfounded, and the guy wasn't really bothered by it, perhaps. If it bothered him a lot, or the feeling was mutual between the two, or there was a legitimate reason for the dislike, probably not. It would add a lot of extra stress to the marriage.
But maybe there are other considerations the rest of us need to know?
Texas requires a Divorce Care class for parents going through divorce. I was expecting a lot of different things, but 80% of the class was about recognizing sexual predators and protecting your kids. A huge majority of sexual abuse happens with a trusted family member or close friend, and often it's a step-parent. We were taught the signs of grooming, the targets that predators look for (single parents who seem distracted with other things, parents of poor or unkept kids, things like that) and the statistics which were shocking to me. That really made me pause in thinking about dating while my daughters are still living at home. Not that I'm jumping at every shadow. I just know that the best defense is being aware and watching for signs.
I believe it's much harder for mothers with daughters, esp. if those daughters are tweens or older.
It could be twice as bad..... the stepdad could easily prey on the daughters' vulnerabilities. The daughters themselves may inadvertently become the predators. If one of them develops a crush on the stepdad, not looking at him as a father figure, he could as easily be set up when they're alone.
The same thing could happen with boys & their stepmoms too. Hormones have a way of overtaking the common morals of a tween or teenager. Most parents haven't a clue to how vulnerable their kids are at that age.
It could be twice as bad..... the stepdad could easily prey on the daughters' vulnerabilities. The daughters themselves may inadvertently become the predators. If one of them develops a crush on the stepdad, not looking at him as a father figure, he could as easily be set up when they're alone.
The same thing could happen with boys & their stepmoms too. Hormones have a way of overtaking the common morals of a tween or teenager. Most parents haven't a clue to how vulnerable their kids are at that age.
This has been a really fascinating read. I have especially enjoyed the posts about prepping kids for the parents to have lives of their own as well. I personally think this is very important because when the child grows up and has his/her own life, what is Mom or Dad going to do if she/he has not build their own life to fall back on once the child is on their own?
I know this is a little off my own topic and I have nothing but respect for parents who are choosing to wait because they know what's best for their families.
However, I often have more than a few qualms about today's social culture that seems to embrace the thought of Sacrificing Everything for The Child, including your relationship with your spouse, your own friendships, and life of your own. I realize that as a parent everything does revolve around children but here's a little of what I mean.
I once declined a dating situation because the family of the person of interest allowed the children to run the family. This family expected you do to everything with Them and The Children which is fine, but The Children decided where we would go, when and where we would eat, what kind of toy(s) they would get during every trip, and if, for example, The Children walked in while you were on the phone, The Children would dictate how long your conversation would be, for none other than the sake of it being The Children wanting to know they controlled every minute of the person's attention. Discipline, if even mentioned, consisted of threats that were never carried out and even rewarding The Children for their unacceptable behavior (with a game, toy, treat, etc.)
I was personally raised in the opposite manner. My parents told us what the schedule was for the day, what work had to be done, and if there was Time Leftover (which there never was), we could maybe then do something fun. Now, I wasn't deprived by any means. But in my family, The Parents set the rules and framework and The Children were expected to follow, even if we didn't like it (and some of us... not naming names, put up a BIG fuss.)
It makes me sad to think of parents who truly sacrifice EVERYTHING, including themselves, for the sake of their children (in an extreme or unreasonable manner--I'm not talking about the parent who takes a second job to put their child through college, but rather, as Stephen pointed out, the children who are so undisciplined that they dictate over their own parents.)
I know this is a little off my own topic
and I have nothing but respect for parents who are choosing to wait because they know what's best for their families. However, I often have more than a few qualms about today's social culture that seems to embrace the thought of Sacrificing Everything for The Child, including your relationship with your spouse, your own friendships, and life of your own. I realize that as a parent everything does revolve around children but here's a little of what I mean.
I once declined a dating situation because the family of the person of interest allowed the children to run the family. This family expected you do to everything with Them and The Children which is fine, but The Children decided where we would go, when and where we would eat, what kind of toy(s) they would get during every trip, and if, for example, The Children walked in while you were on the phone, The Children would dictate how long your conversation would be, for none other than the sake of it being The Children wanting to know they controlled every minute of the person's attention. Discipline, if even mentioned, consisted of threats that were never carried out and even rewarding The Children for their unacceptable behavior (with a game, toy, treat, etc.)
I was personally raised in the opposite manner. My parents told us what the schedule was for the day, what work had to be done, and if there was Time Leftover (which there never was), we could maybe then do something fun. Now, I wasn't deprived by any means. But in my family, The Parents set the rules and framework and The Children were expected to follow, even if we didn't like it (and some of us... not naming names
, put up a BIG fuss.) It makes me sad to think of parents who truly sacrifice EVERYTHING, including themselves, for the sake of their children (in an extreme or unreasonable manner--I'm not talking about the parent who takes a second job to put their child through college, but rather, as Stephen pointed out, the children who are so undisciplined that they dictate over their own parents.)
I was reading something today that one of the main reasons for divorce, even though it's not recognized, is putting the children before the spouse. Yes they are as important as the spouse, but the should not be put before your spouse. Interesting that you mention their are a lot of people sacrificing their spouses for their children.
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Just to clarification to the thought above, in no way do I believe that all divorces are caused by parents putting children first, but that some might be. And that when dating, your child does need to come before others, as you are not married to the other person, but when you become married, you should make every effort to put your spouse at the same importance as your children.
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Just to clarification to the thought above, in no way do I believe that all divorces are caused by parents putting children first, but that some might be. And that when dating, your child does need to come before others, as you are not married to the other person, but when you become married, you should make every effort to put your spouse at the same importance as your children.
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You can count me among those who are waiting until their kids are older before considering a relationship. As I've said before, I've gone on a few dates, but haven't serious. Most of the dating situations have really been "friends going out" vs. "dating."
What violakat just posted about people putting the children before the spouse is one of the reasons I am waiting. I don't want to be in the kind of situation where I, my kids, or my wife are under that kind of pressure, at least while the kids are still kids. Besides, I don't intend to remain in this area after my kids are grown, and a major geographical change and job change and such would only complicate a relationship further.
What violakat just posted about people putting the children before the spouse is one of the reasons I am waiting. I don't want to be in the kind of situation where I, my kids, or my wife are under that kind of pressure, at least while the kids are still kids. Besides, I don't intend to remain in this area after my kids are grown, and a major geographical change and job change and such would only complicate a relationship further.