Rejection is better than regret.

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zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#21
Aug 2, 2009
24,584
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#21
Now what are the chances that this person who truly lives up to our standards is going to feel the same way about us? Anyone else see the problem here?

This young lady is finding out that her perfect mate doesn't think she's the one for him:


(or it might just be Jennifer Aniston in Ferris Beuller's Day Off)
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#22
#22
There's no guaranty, Gabe. But isn't the risk worth it?

P.S: I need to watch that movie again. :) It's been so long, I've forgotten much of it.
 
Liamson

Liamson

Senior Member
#24
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
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#24
zeroturbulence said:
Now what are the chances that this person who truly lives up to our standards is going to feel the same way about us? Anyone else see the problem here?

This young lady is finding out that her perfect mate doesn't think she's the one for him:


(or it might just be Jennifer Aniston in Ferris Beuller's Day Off)
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I've seen that movie more than a few times and I don't remember that scene. I don't think Jennifer Aniston is even in that movie.

And Zero, a person who lives up to my standards is a person who can see who I am. So if I don't measure up, that would be probably for the best if she didn't fall in love with me. I would rather be understood weighed and measured, only to be found wanting than to be misunderstood loved and living with someone who is oblivious to who I am.

I don't believe that my standards are an objective vertical stack of qualities that reaches to the heavens and somewhere along the ladder there is a rung I fit in. I believe that people come in many shapes and sizes and personalities and dispositions and economic standings. I'm looking for a specific quality or character trait.
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#25
Aug 2, 2009
24,584
4,271
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#25
Haha I didn't think she was in it either. I just googled and found out it was a Ferris Bueller tv sitcom.

And to answer what you said: Do any of us really know who we are? I mean I thought I knew who I was 20 years ago and it took a long time for me to figure out that I'm not that person, that that person was just who I liked to see myself as, and how some saw me, but wasn't really who I was inside. What if you meet someone who sees the real you but you don't recognize yourself in what she sees. I'm just saying the same thing I've been saying...the only thing that really matters is if you like each other and can stand one another. Everything else is reasons to reject someone that might have brought you happiness.

Love is not something that can be calculated and measured against a list. If one tries to measure it against a list, love will always fall short because people change like the seasons. Someone you meet today might fit the list this week, but you'll find out a month or two later that they don't quite measure up like you thought. You know the old saying about trying to nail jello to a tree? That certainly applies to trying to find a perfect mate.
 
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Jullianna

Guest
#28
#28
I didn't even remember that there WAS a sitcom! That's how BAD it stunk! :)
 
Liamson

Liamson

Senior Member
#29
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
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#29
zeroturbulence said:
Haha I didn't think she was in it either. I just googled and found out it was a Ferris Bueller tv sitcom.

And to answer what you said: Do any of us really know who we are? I mean I thought I knew who I was 20 years ago and it took a long time for me to figure out that I'm not that person, that that person was just who I liked to see myself as, and how some saw me, but wasn't really who I was inside. What if you meet someone who sees the real you but you don't recognize yourself in what she sees. I'm just saying the same thing I've been saying...the only thing that really matters is if you like each other and can stand one another. Everything else is reasons to reject someone that might have brought you happiness.

Love is not something that can be calculated and measured against a list. If one tries to measure it against a list, love will always fall short because people change like the seasons. Someone you meet today might fit the list this week, but you'll find out a month or two later that they don't quite measure up like you thought. You know the old saying about trying to nail jello to a tree? That certainly applies to trying to find a perfect mate.
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I can see what you are implying and to a degree I agree.

I also know who I am and with that knowledge I know who I am looking for.

When I look at the relationships that I've had, the ones that worked have "X" quality and the ones that didn't work were missing that element. This is a conclusion that I've recently reached.

To put it in other terms... Its like the story of Mary and Martha. Martha was very much a "Do-er" and out of that showed her attentions and affections by virtue of her work and service as a gift of love. She understands the Mechanics of what is required of her and lives that out as well as expects that of others(Lk 10). But we also see Mary who more intuitively grasps the deeper meanings and this is what moves her. Like when Lazarus their brother dies, Jesus' conversation with Martha shows that Martha believes all the right things and has the right answers (Jn 11:24;27) However it is Mary who moves Jesus to tears.

I do not believe that it is because Mary is better than Martha but, their differences exist not only in scripture but in the world around us as well. Some people have a strong sense of duty and responsibility as well as a thoroughly cognitive understanding of the rules. Out of this perspective of the world they operate. I'm not saying that this is wrong but, I'm saying that what I'm looking for is someone who is deeply curious and feels comfortable bending the rules to gain a deeper understanding and it is out of this that they live.
 
G

GreenNnice

Guest
#30
#30
seoulsearch said:
Lightning--I can respect your points and I do agree that addictions fall into slightly different categories...

I don't want to derail this thread but my point is, we all say we want a partner of great faith. But look our best examples of great faith in the Bible.

David may not have led a life of purposeful sin but he had many, many character flaws. For instance, he married numerous wives. We all know about Bathsheba and then having Uriah killed... I can think of two other wives who were named (Abigail and Michal), and if memory serves me right, there were several others as well. But he also completely ignored the rape and lifetime humiliation of his own daughter for the sake of his son (Amnon and Tamar.) The Bible says he was very angry but yet, did nothing about it. And when his son Absolom tried to rip away the kingdom from him, his sorrow and mourning was with this son who was trying to have him killed and overthrown, not his military leaders and the men who were giving their lives to protect him. He let Shimnei go for cursing him... but on his deathbed, ordered Solomon to kill him.

Yes, David had a great faith and wondrous relationship with God. But he was also a very flawed human being, just like you and I.

I mean, ladies, is THIS the man YOU would want to marry? Someone who has great faith... but married multiple women, ordered the murders of other people, always showed favoritism to his sons (even after his son raped one of his daughters), and won't bring justice to a close female relative who is unjustly violated? Great faith or not, I have to be honest and say that on the surface, I would NEVER want to marry a man like this. God would REALLY have to change me if this is what He had in mind for me.

But yet, the Bible says that David was a "man after God's own heart."

As I said, we all SAY we want to marry someone of solid Christian character. But my point is, are we truly strong enough, and do we have enough faith to do so if this just one example of what a true man of God looks like? (And I'm not condemning men here--as I said in my original post, the Bible is full of female examples of faith who lied, deceived, stole, and had multiple partners as well.)

Liamson mentioned having our cake and eating it too... What if the cake comes topped with a multitude of character flaws that God expects us to accept in a partner the way He accepts us?
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David committed great sin, Seoulsearching, and, God dealt ever so severely with His sinning but...David was contrite for his sins. This acknowlegment of wrongdoing (sin) to God and realizing his sin caused his consequences and telling these things to not only God but to others showed God that he was cognizant of his mistakes and David did not make the SAME mistake twice after God disciplined David. He learned, Seoul, from his mistakes, sometimes grave mistakes , and, that explains why God said He was 'well-pleased' with David :)
 
C

Catlynn

Guest
#31
#31
I like this thread. It's making me think. I'll get back to you with the results at a later date and time. lol
 
Ritter

Ritter

Banned
#32
Jul 25, 2005
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#32
I write this admitting that I have not read completely through every post. There is a lot I can level with you on, Liamson. I have experimented trying to convince myself that my intuition is too stringent a measurement, but it invariably proves accurate.

Suffice to say, if I ever experience romance, let it be true romance. If it isn't, lifelong virginity is more than preferable, as it would give me time to pursue important things.

That isn't to say I don't want it. You could say I want it desperately, as it is something that seems to complete life's experience. It is part of growing up and maturing.

I've also learned that romance and rationality exist on two entirely different planes. Something difficult for me, as I approach everything with rationality and seek to resolve apparent contradictions.
 
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Catlynn

Guest
#33
#33
I'm totally with you on the rationality thing. LoL The fact that romance is irrational, I think, is what scares me the most about it. And yet, it's also what makes it so thrilling. :)
 
Ritter

Ritter

Banned
#34
Jul 25, 2005
2,417
34
0
#34
Catlynn said:
I'm totally with you on the rationality thing. LoL The fact that romance is irrational, I think, is what scares me the most about it. And yet, it's also what makes it so thrilling. :)
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Thrilling? I suppose it was also thrilling to be one of those American pilots brainwashed by the DPRK in the 1950's.
 
C

Catlynn

Guest
#35
#35
.....well when you put it that way. I just meant it's one of those things that doesn't make any sense but can still be absolutely wonderful. I'm totally talking about the romance though. Seeing God in someone's life and choosing to love them makes all the sense in the world to me. :)
 
Liamson

Liamson

Senior Member
#36
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
69
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#36
Ritter said:
I write this admitting that I have not read completely through every post. There is a lot I can level with you on, Liamson. I have experimented trying to convince myself that my intuition is too stringent a measurement, but it invariably proves accurate.

Suffice to say, if I ever experience romance, let it be true romance. If it isn't, lifelong virginity is more than preferable, as it would give me time to pursue important things.

That isn't to say I don't want it. You could say I want it desperately, as it is something that seems to complete life's experience. It is part of growing up and maturing.

I've also learned that romance and rationality exist on two entirely different planes. Something difficult for me, as I approach everything with rationality and seek to resolve apparent contradictions.
Click to expand...

I believe you are correct Ritter. I would rather have never known what it is to love and to be loved than to be with someone when it is less than love.

People say that they can learn to love someone. I believe this is true but, I also believe that it is not the same as what could be. There is a love which crosses oceans, climbs mountains, learns new languages, moves to communist countries and gives organs. This kind of Love leaves nothing behind, keeps no track of wrongs, does not seek for itself, does not cause strife, is willing to see both the summit of feeling as well as endure the very hardest of despair.

Catlynn said:
I'm totally with you on the rationality thing. LoL The fact that romance is irrational, I think, is what scares me the most about it. And yet, it's also what makes it so thrilling. :)
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I don't believe romance is irrational. I believe it is irrational if the measuring stick that we use on it is based on our sense of security or our desire for material things. I believe that when weighed to the standard that Love provides, it is the material and desire to be safe which seems irrational.
 
C

Catlynn

Guest
#37
#37
I guess my question on this subject would be, how do you know if you're operating in fear due to past relationships, the unknown...etc? I was recently in a situation where I had to really seek God and wise council because to the normal person, this guy was fantastic, but something wasn't right. I didn't know if it was because of fear or the Holy Spirit. Everything about him seemed great...but not for me. He made sense but wasn't what I wanted or really needed. So, I chose not to lower my standards and to keep seeking first His kingdom. I'm glad for it too. Personally, I don't want to be with someone forever that meets just SOME of my standards. :/ but maybe that's just me.
 
C

Catlynn

Guest
#38
#38
Liamson said:
I believe you are correct Ritter. I would rather have never known what it is to love and to be loved than to be with someone when it is less than love.

People say that they can learn to love someone. I believe this is true but, I also believe that it is not the same as what could be. There is a love which crosses oceans, climbs mountains, learns new languages, moves to communist countries and gives organs. This kind of Love leaves nothing behind, keeps no track of wrongs, does not seek for itself, does not cause strife, is willing to see both the summit of feeling as well as endure the very hardest of despair.



I don't believe romance is irrational. I believe it is irrational if the measuring stick that we use on it is based on our sense of security or our desire for material things. I believe that when weighed to the standard that Love provides, it is the material and desire to be safe which seems irrational.
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Hmm I guess I'm thinking of romance as being separate from love. Eros vs. agape. What you're saying makes sense. There's a higher standard to which we should measure romance than the world's. I have only ever experienced it within the world so maybe my view is skewed. o_O
 
Liamson

Liamson

Senior Member
#39
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
69
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#39
Catlynn said:
I guess my question on this subject would be, how do you know if you're operating in fear due to past relationships, the unknown...etc? I was recently in a situation where I had to really seek God and wise council because to the normal person, this guy was fantastic, but something wasn't right. I didn't know if it was because of fear or the Holy Spirit. Everything about him seemed great...but not for me. He made sense but wasn't what I wanted or really needed. So, I chose not to lower my standards and to keep seeking first His kingdom. I'm glad for it too. Personally, I don't want to be with someone forever that meets just SOME of my standards. :/ but maybe that's just me.
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That was kind of my point earlier with Mary and Martha. There are people who seems to have everything going for them but, if we feel that there is something off, we are probably right.

I believe that sometimes we forget what it feels like to be moved.
 
C

Catlynn

Guest
#40
#40
Agreed. That's something I've been working on lately; listening to the Holy Spirit and recognizing Him. I thought about that post you made as I was finishing mine up. Lol thanks.
 
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