Rejection is better than regret.

[Liamson]

"If everyone would just lower their standards we could all find a mate." -NodMyHeadLikeYeah



Sometimes I think failure is an inevitability but, how far down the rabbit hole do we go for sake of having absolute certainty that success is not an option?

The part of me that believes in love wants to believe that my intuition is wrong but, I also believe that I can have my cake and eat it too.

So I do what I ought to do and wait.

 

[zeroturbulence]

I don't think my standards go any lower.

 

[iamhome08]

Hi Liamson, thanks for writing something so personal. Well as a female I am doing what I should do and that is to wait! I understand what you're saying about standards. But I feel like at times that God shows us or gives us desires of certain attributes that we want to find in a mate because it goes together with what He's calling us for. For example, I so totally want to travel the world and just LOVE people with God's love. Share the Father's love, pray for others, see the Holy Spirit really move, but I want a mate who has a desire for that not just someone who is willing to tag along. Because I wouldn't forfit part of what I know I am supposed to do for God just so I can be married or have a mate. I wouldn't want just the every day to day life and not be anything more. I'm too hungry for God's plans and I want to share it with someone who is excited and passionate about that. I feel like lately I'm in a place where God is preparing me for whatever He has ahead, I'm not quite sure what. But currently, for the last 3.5 yrs I've been living away from where I'm from, almost like a missionary. Like a hiatus from ministry and what I use to do. For the sake of getting closer to God and also getting prepared. I've talked to a lot of Christians in the same season. I know it gets hard waiting for a mate and the loneliness can be painful, trust me I know...I've been sent to a place where the majority of the time I'm alone. And it's so hard some days and I ask why God sent me here but deep down I already know why but it's just some days the loneliness really does hurt. Whether for friendship, connection to the Body of Christ, or even for my some day mate. I feel you are doing a wise thing by waiting, and success will be waiting on God for His time. =)

 

[iamhome08]

To ZeroTurb.....I like your scripture, I was just reading it tonight. Thanks for the confirmation Lord =)

 

[Liamson]

Hi Liamson, thanks for writing something so personal. Well as a female I am doing what I should do and that is to wait! I understand what you're saying about standards. But I feel like at times that God shows us or gives us desires of certain attributes that we want to find in a mate because it goes together with what He's calling us for. For example, I so totally want to travel the world and just LOVE people with God's love. Share the Father's love, pray for others, see the Holy Spirit really move, but I want a mate who has a desire for that not just someone who is willing to tag along. Because I wouldn't forfit part of what I know I am supposed to do for God just so I can be married or have a mate. I wouldn't want just the every day to day life and not be anything more. I'm too hungry for God's plans and I want to share it with someone who is excited and passionate about that. I feel like lately I'm in a place where God is preparing me for whatever He has ahead, I'm not quite sure what. But currently, for the last 3.5 yrs I've been living away from where I'm from, almost like a missionary. Like a hiatus from ministry and what I use to do. For the sake of getting closer to God and also getting prepared. I've talked to a lot of Christians in the same season. I know it gets hard waiting for a mate and the loneliness can be painful, trust me I know...I've been sent to a place where the majority of the time I'm alone. And it's so hard some days and I ask why God sent me here but deep down I already know why but it's just some days the loneliness really does hurt. Whether for friendship, connection to the Body of Christ, or even for my some day mate. I feel you are doing a wise thing by waiting, and success will be waiting on God for His time. =)

I hope so. But my rational side thinks I would have better odds doing something else but, anything else wouldn't be true to myself or to my God.

 

[Jullianna]

I hope so. But my rational side thinks I would have better odds doing something else but, anything else wouldn't be true to myself or to my God.

Being rational is overrated, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. I still believe in a God who can and will give us far more than we can imagine.

 

[Jullianna]

I don't think my standards go any lower.

I woke my dog up laughing out loud at this

 

[Matthew]

"If everyone would just lower their standards we could all find a mate." -NodMyHeadLikeYeah

For me, this statement translates into 'let go of my sense of entitlement'
By that I mean I need to keep open to being surprised by God, and by love. I see a lot of people mention how we will get our hearts desires and then from that they decide to hold onto a wish list and reject people who don't meet it by the rationale they shouldn't settle for less than their hearts desire.

It's a false premise to me, so often people in love and happily married speak about how they were as a single and say they never thought they'd fall in love with the kind of person they did, the truth is we never really know oursleves, if we did we'd never change and grow, so how can we know our true hearts desire, our true needs? I don't think we can, I think it's best guess.

Sometimes I think failure is an inevitability but, how far down the rabbit hole do we go for sake of having absolute certainty that success is not an option?

So I don't think it's about going down the rabbit hole and lowering standards, it's about keeping ourselves open to the completely undpredictable work of God, it is for sure a difficult balance because it's easy to cross the line into compromising values but it can be done, and the failures along the way make us wiser.

All the masses of threads about long distance relationships, online dating, age differences, cross denominational relationships and so on....I think God never said these things won't work for us, so why do we say it?
We think we 'know ourselves' and what 'works for us', well have you ever been surprised by life? then it can happen again.

There's my unintended rant over with

 

[Jullianna]

Matthew, one of the things that comes to my mind is how often we are wrong about what we think we want or need, you know? Like you say, a lot of people have lists/qualifications for the spouse they think they want/need. But, as you also say, GOD is full of surprises. HE knows exactly what we need and truly desire. And, when it comes right down to it, isn't what we all truly want/need is that one special person who loves us inspite of ourselves and will stand with us through hard times/good times? Forget all of the superficial junk we throw around. Isn't that what we really want, no matter what that person looks like/does for a living/their background, past or mistakes?

God has led me to do things, experience things and love more than I could ever have imagine for myself. I'm sure He's done the same for most people reading this. He's not going to stop, is He?

I think God looks at our rationalities and laughs. I'm going to trust Him with what I need and want...and whom.

 

[zeroturbulence]

To ZeroTurb.....I like your scripture, I was just reading it tonight. Thanks for the confirmation Lord =)

I'm very glad God used it to inspire you. Praise God!

 

[zeroturbulence]

I woke my dog up laughing out loud at this

Hmmm it wasn't really a joke. :/ But I'm glad I made u laugh.

 

[seoulsearch]

I do think Nod and Matthew are on to something here.

I was just talking with a Christian co-worker the other day about the fact that many Christians, myself included, fall into that sense of entitlement. We think, "Oh, I serve God and have for X number of years/all my life, therefore, He is going to give me the desires of my heart--which translates into the perfect person appearing on my doorstep."

One thing that's intrigued me lately is that we all celebrate the "hero's of faith", but we forget how human (aka, FLAWED), they were.

Would you want to marry a man who:
1. arranges for the murder of those who stands in the way of what he wants?
2. tells others you are up for grabs multiple times ("Come and take her if you want her", which in one case, a certain king did) in order to protect his own life?

Of course, the first man I'm referring to is David. The second is Abraham. But we forget these things... or conveniently overlook them. As for the women, Rebekah had great faith... but also schemed and lied to her husband so that her favorite child would receive the family blessing. Gomer was a prostitute, and the woman at the well was on her 6th known partner.

Many of us Christians SAY we "want whom God has for us", but I have often believed that God has been trying to tell me, "Kim, if I sent you the one I had for you right now, you'd throw him out the door without even giving him a chance."

And yes, I have to admit, if God sent me someone addicted to alcohol or porn, I would NOT want to be with that person. If we look at the unions of the Bible, there were many, MANY flaws and very serious character defects... and if we're not willing to accept those things in other people, I do wonder if many of us WILL be single for the rest of our lives. Depressing... I know... but I'm trying to be real here.

After all, if God chose people to follow Him the way we choose a potential partner, NONE of us would be saved.

 

[LightningClap0002]

I do think Nod and Matthew are on to something here.

I was just talking with a Christian co-worker the other day about the fact that many Christians, myself included, fall into that sense of entitlement. We think, "Oh, I serve God and have for X number of years/all my life, therefore, He is going to give me the desires of my heart--which translates into the perfect person appearing on my doorstep."

One thing that's intrigued me lately is that we all celebrate the "hero's of faith", but we forget how human (aka, FLAWED), they were.

Would you want to marry a man who:
1. arranges for the murder of those who stands in the way of what he wants?
2. tells others you are up for grabs multiple times ("Come and take her if you want her", which in one case, a certain king did) in order to protect his own life?

Of course, the first man I'm referring to is David. The second is Abraham. But we forget these things... or conveniently overlook them. As for the women, Rebekah had great faith... but also schemed and lied to her husband so that her favorite child would receive the family blessing. Gomer was a prostitute, and the woman at the well was on her 6th known partner.

Many of us Christians SAY we "want whom God has for us", but I have often believed that God has been trying to tell me, "Kim, if I sent you the one I had for you right now, you'd throw him out the door without even giving him a chance."

And yes, I have to admit, if God sent me someone addicted to alcohol or porn, I would NOT want to be with that person. If we look at the unions of the Bible, there were many, MANY flaws and very serious character defects... and if we're not willing to accept those things in other people, I do wonder if many of us WILL be single for the rest of our lives. Depressing... I know... but I'm trying to be real here.

After all, if God chose people to follow Him the way we choose a potential partner, NONE of us would be saved.

I'm afraid that this thread has kind of gone down a path that I can't agree with.

An addiction to alcohol and or porn is far different than a person who "slips up" every now and then. Biblically, we see that David was a man after God's heart. Certainly he was human, but do we see him slipping and sliding and climbing back up and then sliding back down again? Do we see him living a life of sin? Absolutely not!

I am of the belief that christian's (in the flesh) continue to sin even after salvation. This sin doesn't un-save them, but does make them much less effective as servants of God, which the heart and mind of a christian strive to be. That said, it is foolish to ignore sin. Yes, we know that it will be there. But think about it... If you are just starting to get to know someone and clearly see sin(s) in their life, how much worse will the deep dark ones be?

Using David as an example, how long do we go; how long does he live before his catastrophic failure? How well do we know him before we are introduced to his flaws?

Relationships between people with unexpected personality differences and idiosyncrasies certainly can work, but there are places you(an individual) can't go. There are people that you MUST avoid romantic relationships with. There are things that are special between a man and wife (and then also a potential man and wife) that do require a certain level of righteous living.

As for God choosing us... God's righteousness can't be affected by man's unrighteousness; man's righteousness can be affected by other men's unrighteousness. It seems that Paul was kind of pointing towards this with his desire for men to remain unmarried. Really the only way he was really for it was when choosing between the lesser of two evils, where unrighteousness could be made righteous through marriage.

 

[seoulsearch]

Lightning--I can respect your points and I do agree that addictions fall into slightly different categories...

I don't want to derail this thread but my point is, we all say we want a partner of great faith. But look our best examples of great faith in the Bible.

David may not have led a life of purposeful sin but he had many, many character flaws. For instance, he married numerous wives. We all know about Bathsheba and then having Uriah killed... I can think of two other wives who were named (Abigail and Michal), and if memory serves me right, there were several others as well. But he also completely ignored the rape and lifetime humiliation of his own daughter for the sake of his son (Amnon and Tamar.) The Bible says he was very angry but yet, did nothing about it. And when his son Absolom tried to rip away the kingdom from him, his sorrow and mourning was with this son who was trying to have him killed and overthrown, not his military leaders and the men who were giving their lives to protect him. He let Shimnei go for cursing him... but on his deathbed, ordered Solomon to kill him.

Yes, David had a great faith and wondrous relationship with God. But he was also a very flawed human being, just like you and I.

I mean, ladies, is THIS the man YOU would want to marry? Someone who has great faith... but married multiple women, ordered the murders of other people, always showed favoritism to his sons (even after his son raped one of his daughters), and won't bring justice to a close female relative who is unjustly violated? Great faith or not, I have to be honest and say that on the surface, I would NEVER want to marry a man like this. God would REALLY have to change me if this is what He had in mind for me.

But yet, the Bible says that David was a "man after God's own heart."

As I said, we all SAY we want to marry someone of solid Christian character. But my point is, are we truly strong enough, and do we have enough faith to do so if this just one example of what a true man of God looks like? (And I'm not condemning men here--as I said in my original post, the Bible is full of female examples of faith who lied, deceived, stole, and had multiple partners as well.)

Liamson mentioned having our cake and eating it too... What if the cake comes topped with a multitude of character flaws that God expects us to accept in a partner the way He accepts us?

 

[iamhome08]

Um Seoulsearch, just because a woman wants a man of great faith does not mean that he will cheat on her or marry multiple wives. There are great men of God out there who I know that are of great faith and have mentored me, they are married now and they have never cheated on their spouse. You are taking an example of King David where he lived in a much different time than now, he married multiple wives because it was part of the culture not because of him having "great faith". We all have flaws but the most important thing is that they are the right person to go along with what one another is supposed to do for the Lord. The goal and focus of a marriage often lacks a zeal for what they feel God calling them to do TOGETHER. That is what makes a perfect mate perfect in my mind. I would think God's best for His servants is not a murderer and all those things that you described. If a man did any of those things I wouldn't stay with them and I wouldn't think God would expect us to either. We are not God we are human and I couldn't be with a man who killed someone for the wrong reasons. David's wife married him before he did a lot of the things you listed. Gosh your wording makes it seem like women have this choice of pick a man of great faith and you'll end up with someone who does horrible things and that you are basing it on David. That really is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. It's also ridiculous to think that God would want a woman to be with any of those things either, that's just plain abuse. I don't think you have to choose, I think God is so great that He can give us the desire of finding someone who will love us and compliment our lives.

Also, scripture does say that God will give us the desire of our hearts. That is not a sense of entitlement. Simply put when you become more intimately acquainted with God, His desires become birthed in your heart. Do I want a man who wants to travel and do full time ministry? Absolutely...is it because I feel entitled, heck no. It's because I know that what the Father has put in my heart is because it goes along with what He's called me to do. It's common sense to me that if I want to travel for ministry and a man doesn't see that for himself, then it wouldn't work out. The desire to travel and do fulltime ministry abroad is not my desire, but it has come from the Father.

Anyway, Liamson, you do what you feel God wants you to do. You said it's to wait, then wait. End of story. Sometimes our desires can be the biggest distraction. The Lord always reminds me when I get caught up that if I see Him first then everything else will be added. If you had said you feel that God is leading you to look for a mate, I'd say search. End of story. Thanks.

 

[erika83]

This thread comes at the right time, because I've been thinking about this the last couple of days after I kinda rejected/didn't encourage a guy's approach as I know it wouldn't work for me. Some would say (maybe) my standards are too high but I don't see it this way. Be realistic, check your standards in the light of the Bible first of all than with friends/family.

I sat down and checked my standards carefully and I don't see anything unreasonable with them. I don't see it's my fault if I get attracted to certain type of guys only. That is something that I can't change. Some people think that if a guy is a Christian that's enough, other things don't matter much. Well they matter to me as I'm not keen to get married just for the sake of being married. Better be single than settle for someone not wholeheartedly.

 

[Liamson]

This thread comes at the right time, because I've been thinking about this the last couple of days after I kinda rejected/didn't encourage a guy's approach as I know it wouldn't work for me. Some would say (maybe) my standards are too high but I don't see it this way. Be realistic, check your standards in the light of the Bible first of all than with friends/family.

I sat down and checked my standards carefully and I don't see anything unreasonable with them. I don't see it's my fault if I get attracted to certain type of guys only. That is something that I can't change. Some people think that if a guy is a Christian that's enough, other things don't matter much. Well they matter to me as I'm not keen to get married just for the sake of being married. Better be single than settle for someone not wholeheartedly.

^THIS^ is exactly what I was referring to. You nailed it.

I'm attracted to a certain type of girl but I also know that there are a lot of women who like me. I can see where some relationships go, long before I consider taking them up on their offer. But just because they don't have anything wrong with them, doesn't mean that they are right for me, just because they like me.

When I say I'm lowering my standards, I don't mean my morality or my faith but, I mean just being more open to the possibility that someone I had written off might actually work out if I gave them a chance.

What I've discovered is that God gave me Intuition for a Reason. I cannot pretend that I don't see or pretend that I don't know. I just recently tried that, because I thought maybe I wasn't being Open enough to God's plans for my life. Maybe, just because my heart doesn't see it, doesn't mean its not possible. So I gave someone a chance that I knew wasn't going to work. I tried and we just don't work unless we stay on relationship life support. RLS is not love, in the same way that Scotch Whiskey is not a thirst quencher.

This also reminded me of how much Love is really worth striving to find. It doesn't have as much to do with the societal value of the person but, the potential quality that exists in the relationship. If I love a woman with all of my heart but, I do not have a relationship with her, I am just a fan. If I value the relationship with someone but, I do not love them, the most I could be is their friend. I want to have my cake and eat it too.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Here's how I see it: If you find yourself ending relationships because the person doesn't meet your standards, your standards are probably too high.

"And even when you ask, you don't get it because your motives are all wrong--you want only what will give you pleasure." - (James 4:3 NLT)

 

[seoulsearch]

Um Seoulsearch, just because a woman wants a man of great faith does not mean that he will cheat on her or marry multiple wives. There are great men of God out there who I know that are of great faith and have mentored me, they are married now and they have never cheated on their spouse. You are taking an example of King David where he lived in a much different time than now, he married multiple wives because it was part of the culture not because of him having "great faith". We all have flaws but the most important thing is that they are the right person to go along with what one another is supposed to do for the Lord. The goal and focus of a marriage often lacks a zeal for what they feel God calling them to do TOGETHER. That is what makes a perfect mate perfect in my mind. I would think God's best for His servants is not a murderer and all those things that you described. If a man did any of those things I wouldn't stay with them and I wouldn't think God would expect us to either. We are not God we are human and I couldn't be with a man who killed someone for the wrong reasons. David's wife married him before he did a lot of the things you listed. Gosh your wording makes it seem like women have this choice of pick a man of great faith and you'll end up with someone who does horrible things and that you are basing it on David. That really is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. It's also ridiculous to think that God would want a woman to be with any of those things either, that's just plain abuse. I don't think you have to choose, I think God is so great that He can give us the desire of finding someone who will love us and compliment our lives.

Also, scripture does say that God will give us the desire of our hearts. That is not a sense of entitlement. Simply put when you become more intimately acquainted with God, His desires become birthed in your heart. Do I want a man who wants to travel and do full time ministry? Absolutely...is it because I feel entitled, heck no. It's because I know that what the Father has put in my heart is because it goes along with what He's called me to do. It's common sense to me that if I want to travel for ministry and a man doesn't see that for himself, then it wouldn't work out. The desire to travel and do fulltime ministry abroad is not my desire, but it has come from the Father.

Anyway, Liamson, you do what you feel God wants you to do. You said it's to wait, then wait. End of story. Sometimes our desires can be the biggest distraction. The Lord always reminds me when I get caught up that if I see Him first then everything else will be added. If you had said you feel that God is leading you to look for a mate, I'd say search. End of story. Thanks.

You made a really good point about allowing God to let His desires to be birthed in our hearts... It's just interesting to me that so many times, His desires for us are a lot different than our own.

I'm not saying you'll wind up with someone who does horrible things. But I AM saying we might not end up with Prince/Princess Charming either, even though they might be a Christian. I also mentioned David and Abraham because I've heard some people say they want to marry someone like the Biblical hero's of faith, and I think you have to look at both sides of the coin.

I'm thinking of a couple I met once--the guy had a lot of issues, but the girl, who was 16 at the time they met, was a strong Christian and felt God was telling her, "This is the one." The guy's own father told her she was crazy for marrying him, but she felt that God was telling her this young man would become a great man of God.

He did, and they are now in ministry together. It's just that it took 25 years, some serious addictions, multiple suicide attempts, and several talks of divorce in order to get there. God knew it was going to be a long, tough, road, but, if she was right, told her to marry him anyway. To me, it's like Joseph and so many others in the Bible--we may find the person who's going to be our partner in ministry, yes... but it may take a lot longer than we think for it to happen.

My own personal struggle is believing for the best, believing for the best, believing God wants the best for us, but knowing that the way to go about it is often a lot harder than we think--which is probably why God has many of us waiting so long.

 

[Jullianna]

I'm not sure it's about standards or setting the bar high. I understand what Erika and Liamson are trying to say. On a daily basis there are going to be people who say they are interested in getting to know you better. Some of them will even be christians, but that doesn't mean that they are all right for you.

If relationships are going to work out long term, there has to be more than a fairytale version of love or physical attraction obviously. For a relationship to last a lifetime, someone has to love you for the person you really are (not to say that we don't need to grow), not the person they THINK you are or want you to be. They need to be strong in areas where you are weak and vice versa if you are truly going to become one in the ways God intends. Becoming one with someone means far more than just having sex with them.

When people say they are attracted to a particular type of person or have certain standards, it is often assumed that someone is talking about looks, profession, social status, income levels, or other superficial things, which is not always the case. When I talk about being attracted to a particular type, I don't mean Mr Tall Dark Handsome Prince Charming. I mean:

Mr KnowsHowToMakeMeLaugh,
Mr KnowsINeedSomeQuietTransitionTimeWhenIFirstGetHomeFromWork,
Mr IKnowShe'sNotUpset,She'sJustQuietBecauseShe'sThinkingThingsThrough,
Mr IsAsCuriousAboutTheWorldAsIAmSoWeCanHaveAmazingDiscussionsAndExperienceNewThings,
Mr TrulyAppreciatesAllOfTheLittleThingsILikeToDoToSurpriseHim/ShowHimILoveHim,
Mr TotallyGetsMyCoreValuesAndInterests

When you find someone who truly GETS you, hang onto them, especially if you do the same for them. Life is constantly changing. We are constantly changing (hopefully for for the better haha). So, for me, this is the standard. This is the person I can build a life with, with God's help. A facsimile thereof won't last. Tried that. Doesn't work for me, so why waste time and/or take the chance of hurting someone when I know this?