Relationship help!!

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Oct 4, 2018
15
2
3
Australia
#1
Hi, I’m new here. I’m 46 & from Melbourne, Australia. My problem is that I have been in a tumoultous relationship for about 18 months now. I have broken up with him several times. I haven’t seen him since May, partly due to breaking up & partly due to the fact that I have been quite ill. We are going to have dinner tomorrow night which is the first time we have seen each other since May. The thing is, I’m not sure how I feel about him now. I know I care about him. But he said something to me which happened back in May when I was last at his house, & even though he says he would never act on this, I can’t get past what he told me. I don’t feel comfortable in going to his place again. At least, not until I get my head around it. I just need some advice. I don’t want to lose him: he told me the other night that if I end it again or continue playing “mind games” with him he can/ will walk away- which he never has done yet. I know I’ve been the one who has always ended the relationship in the past. He’s always been there. Part of me is angry at him saying this: I tried to explain that my depression causes me to doubt myself & makes me think I’m not worthy of being loved/ I’m not playing mind games. I don’t think he really understands my condition. I’m not sure what I should do.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,636
9,311
113
#2
1. The relationship is tumultuous, therefore not good for either of you.

2. You've dumped him and taken him back several times, which is not good for either of you.

3. He said something unsettling to you back in May, which makes you uncomfortable even 5 months later. That's a sign that you should just make the break once and for all.


With the mindset that you have now, along with your depression, I suggest ending it with him once and for all. You're uncomfortable going to his house, you can't "wrap your head" around what he said, and this on again/off again malarkey isn't good for you..

This relationship is unhealthy.
 
Oct 4, 2018
15
2
3
Australia
#3
1. The relationship is tumultuous, therefore not good for either of you.

2. You've dumped him and taken him back several times, which is not good for either of you.

3. He said something unsettling to you back in May, which makes you uncomfortable even 5 months later. That's a sign that you should just make the break once and for all.


With the mindset that you have now, along with your depression, I suggest ending it with him once and for all. You're uncomfortable going to his house, you can't "wrap your head" around what he said, and this on again/off again malarkey isn't good for you..

This relationship is unhealthy.
thanks for replying to me. I did forget to mention his good points: he has a good sense of humour, when things are going well we get along well. It wasn’t all ‘bad’. My psychologist says I am overly sensitive, so perhaps I’m being too sensitive about what he said to me. But he does seem to have an anger problem which does concern me. I’m scared to let him go completely- I don’t want to be alone.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,636
9,311
113
#4
thanks for replying to me. I did forget to mention his good points: he has a good sense of humour, when things are going well we get along well. It wasn’t all ‘bad’. My psychologist says I am overly sensitive, so perhaps I’m being too sensitive about what he said to me. But he does seem to have an anger problem which does concern me. I’m scared to let him go completely- I don’t want to be alone.

Well, even with his good points, he obviously said something to make your radar go up. And if he has an anger problem on top of it, then that doesn't bode well. He needs counseling, and you need to stop being co-dependent on him. And you aren't alone, God is always with you.. :)
 
7

7seasrekeyed

Guest
#5
Hi, I’m new here. I’m 46 & from Melbourne, Australia. My problem is that I have been in a tumoultous relationship for about 18 months now. I have broken up with him several times. I haven’t seen him since May, partly due to breaking up & partly due to the fact that I have been quite ill. We are going to have dinner tomorrow night which is the first time we have seen each other since May. The thing is, I’m not sure how I feel about him now. I know I care about him. But he said something to me which happened back in May when I was last at his house, & even though he says he would never act on this, I can’t get past what he told me. I don’t feel comfortable in going to his place again. At least, not until I get my head around it. I just need some advice. I don’t want to lose him: he told me the other night that if I end it again or continue playing “mind games” with him he can/ will walk away- which he never has done yet. I know I’ve been the one who has always ended the relationship in the past. He’s always been there. Part of me is angry at him saying this: I tried to explain that my depression causes me to doubt myself & makes me think I’m not worthy of being loved/ I’m not playing mind games. I don’t think he really understands my condition. I’m not sure what I should do.

Hi there...what is it you do not want to loose? the idea a man you do not feel right about plays yo you with your emotions by what he says?

you need to get yourself together and not to look to someone else to make you feel worthy

you say you are not sure about him after a long absence. why not give it another long absence? I doubt you will want to go back to, as you state, a tumultuous relationship

why would you expect things to be any different if you were to say...marry him?

you may have heard it said that the best indicator of future behavior, is taking a good look at past behavior

please don't sell yourself short. take care of yourself and get yourself sorted it out.
 

Tommy379

Notorious Member
Jan 12, 2016
7,589
1,146
113
#6
If you haven't seen him since May, why bother now?
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
2,607
2,157
113
#7
If you continually break up with him it is fully understandable he would tire of this and consider leaving. That you somehow seem to take offense to this reveals your incapacity to be sympathetic to His feelings.
And if he, also, lacks the capacity to have even a basic understanding of how depression affects you then there's no need for you to be with him other than some sort of codependency.

You didn't reveal what he said in May, but your wording suggests a threat of violence. If this is the case nothing else about this situation matters. Someone that even threatens violence likely has the capacity to follow through with it. And only they know how far they'll take it.

It sounds like an unhealthy relationship by two emotionally unhealthy people that would rather be in a bad relationship that none at all. Continuing on will not end well.
 
Oct 4, 2018
15
2
3
Australia
#8
If you continually break up with him it is fully understandable he would tire of this and consider leaving. That you somehow seem to take offense to this reveals your incapacity to be sympathetic to His feelings.
And if he, also, lacks the capacity to have even a basic understanding of how depression affects you then there's no need for you to be with him other than some sort of codependency.

You didn't reveal what he said in May, but your wording suggests a threat of violence. If this is the case nothing else about this situation matters. Someone that even threatens violence likely has the capacity to follow through with it. And only they know how far they'll take it.

It sounds like an unhealthy relationship by two emotionally unhealthy people that would rather be in a bad relationship that none at all. Continuing on will not end well.
He seems to take things I say the wrong way, so maybe he is overly sensitive too. He basically said ( this was in a middle of a verbal disagrrement), that he “felt like kicking me out & throwing my bag outside”. I was “driving him crazy”. When I told him this greatly upset me, he said he only thought it, & would never act on it. Just the fact that he thought it, while I was his gf at the time, does concern me & upsets me greatly.
That’s the reason why I feel uncomfortable about going to his house again. He said I was over- rating. What does everyone think? Am I?
 

Pipp

Majestic Llamacorn
Sep 17, 2013
4,830
1,827
113
#9
Sis....you gotta ask yourself where this "on again off again" relationship is headed. Do you really want to have the kind of relationship that leads to "an on again off again" marriage ? Sometimes it's better to let someone go than try to hold together something that you have to force. I'll say a prayer for you now.
 

TamLynn

A heart at rest
Nov 27, 2014
818
835
93
#10
It seems to me that you're hanging onto him soley because (as you stated), "You don't want to be alone".

While you listed a few "good points" it seems that the things that concern you far outweigh them.

In a situation like this its hard to let go because you are fearful of what the future may or may not bring with their absence.

In times like this, ask the Lord to remind you of who you are in Christ. Ask Him to reveal His will for your life. I can assure you it's not His plan for any of His children to live in fear.
 
Oct 4, 2018
15
2
3
Australia
#11
Thanks everyone for your advice. I’m seeing him tonight & I’lol see how things go. I will probably end the relationship. What about if I tell him I’d just like to be friends? Or is it better to make a complete break? I just feel sad to let go of him completely after 18 months 😔
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,636
9,311
113
#12
It's better to make a complete break. This relationship isn't good for either of you. Just remember, men will let you down and hurt you, but God never will.. :)
 
M

Miri

Guest
#13
It doesn’t sound like this is a good relationship for either of you.
Why keep putting yourselves through that. Would you keep
entering the lion enclosure at a zoo just because you think they
look cuddly!

It’s not good for him either, each time you break up, you both get
damaged a bit more, until eventually you will both be so damaged
that neither of you will be able to trust another person again.

Far better to sort out your problems as single people and sort out your
own baggage, rather than loading it onto another person and expecting
them to deal with it for you.

You need Jesus right now, He is the only one who can heal you.
You need to develop a closer relationship with Him. Seek Him
with all your heart, spend time with Him in prayer and in the word.

Lord I prayer for GG that you will open her spiritual eyes to see you
and open her spiritual ears to hear your voice. Lord teach her and guide
her and set her free from this depression. Bring the right people into her
life who can council her and encourage.

 
M

Miri

Guest
#14
Incidentally I see that you have fallen into the trap that many people do.
We get sick yes, but there is a difference in saying I currently have depression,
and calling it “my depression”. Don’t own your illness don’t cling onto it.
I know it’s difficult to do but attitude makes a massive difference with depression.
If you walk around thinking “this is me it’s my depression” you learn to live with it
instead of over coming it. Instead try thinking “I have depression but I’m working
with Jesus to over come it” . Think of it as a temporary thing which will get better
and stop claiming it as part of who you are. It’s not what Jesus wants for you.
 
7

7seasrekeyed

Guest
#15
Incidentally I see that you have fallen into the trap that many people do.
We get sick yes, but there is a difference in saying I currently have depression,
and calling it “my depression”. Don’t own your illness don’t cling onto it.
I know it’s difficult to do but attitude makes a massive difference with depression.
If you walk around thinking “this is me it’s my depression” you learn to live with it
instead of over coming it. Instead try thinking “I have depression but I’m working
with Jesus to over come it” . Think of it as a temporary thing which will get better
and stop claiming it as part of who you are. It’s not what Jesus wants for you.

(y)(y)(y)(y)(y)(y)(y)
 

Adstar

Senior Member
Jul 24, 2016
6,556
2,985
113
#16
Hi, I’m new here. I’m 46 & from Melbourne, Australia. My problem is that I have been in a tumoultous relationship for about 18 months now. I have broken up with him several times. I haven’t seen him since May, partly due to breaking up & partly due to the fact that I have been quite ill. We are going to have dinner tomorrow night which is the first time we have seen each other since May. The thing is, I’m not sure how I feel about him now. I know I care about him. But he said something to me which happened back in May when I was last at his house, & even though he says he would never act on this, I can’t get past what he told me. I don’t feel comfortable in going to his place again. At least, not until I get my head around it. I just need some advice. I don’t want to lose him: he told me the other night that if I end it again or continue playing “mind games” with him he can/ will walk away- which he never has done yet. I know I’ve been the one who has always ended the relationship in the past. He’s always been there. Part of me is angry at him saying this: I tried to explain that my depression causes me to doubt myself & makes me think I’m not worthy of being loved/ I’m not playing mind games. I don’t think he really understands my condition. I’m not sure what I should do.
Trying to restart the relationship when the deep down cause of the relationship trouble is still there waiting to pop it's head up again to smash the relationship against the rocks will doomed the relationship to end once again..

This root cause really needs to be worked on and either eliminated for in some way or another brought under control so that it cannot again interfere in your relationship with this man..
 
Oct 4, 2018
15
2
3
Australia
#17
You are right- I guess I’ve had depression for such a long time now ( for about 20 years), that I’m so used to it that’s it part of me. I’m not sure if it will ever go away completely. It does effect how I view things & my personal relationships. Tonight was ok... he got in a bit of a bad mood at one stage because things weren’t going his way & he said he wanted tonight to be a “really special night”, but he seemed to get better near the end. I let him kiss me.. maybe I should have said no- but it just happened.. I’m a bit confused now as to what I should do moving forward- he did make a comment about me going to his place next time but.. I’m really confused right now.. his moods change a lot- one minute he’s angry & the next he’s loving & gentle.. I don’t know what to think anymore.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,636
9,311
113
#18
You are right- I guess I’ve had depression for such a long time now ( for about 20 years), that I’m so used to it that’s it part of me. I’m not sure if it will ever go away completely. It does effect how I view things & my personal relationships. Tonight was ok... he got in a bit of a bad mood at one stage because things weren’t going his way & he said he wanted tonight to be a “really special night”, but he seemed to get better near the end. I let him kiss me.. maybe I should have said no- but it just happened.. I’m a bit confused now as to what I should do moving forward- he did make a comment about me going to his place next time but.. I’m really confused right now.. his moods change a lot- one minute he’s angry & the next he’s loving & gentle.. I don’t know what to think anymore.
Please read my depression testimony and view my faith book. Both are in my profile, under "profile posts".. :)

Secondly, to just be blunt and lay it out there, he wants sex. :/ He got in a bad mood when things didn't go his way, then he got happy after kissing you and saying that he wanted "tonight to be a really special night".. Plus he wants you to go to his house next time... You need to completely sever the cord to this guy. I'm sorry but he's playing you like a fiddle..
 
M

Miri

Guest
#19
Please read my depression testimony and view my faith book. Both are in my profile, under "profile posts".. :)

Secondly, to just be blunt and lay it out there, he wants sex. :/ He got in a bad mood when things didn't go his way, then he got happy after kissing you and saying that he wanted "tonight to be a really special night".. Plus he wants you to go to his house next time... You need to completely sever the cord to this guy. I'm sorry but he's playing you like a fiddle..
They are both playing each other and to be honest from the OP, it seems like
GG is responsible for many of the problems. She keeps dumping him. It’s no wonder
he is angry and confused it’s not always the man who is to blame.

They are both bad for each other right now.
 
Oct 4, 2018
15
2
3
Australia
#20
Please read my depression testimony and view my faith book. Both are in my profile, under "profile posts".. :)

Secondly, to just be blunt and lay it out there, he wants sex. :/ He got in a bad mood when things didn't go his way, then he got happy after kissing you and saying that he wanted "tonight to be a really special night".. Plus he wants you to go to his house next time... You need to completely sever the cord to this guy. I'm sorry but he's playing you like a fiddle..
Hmm maybe but he’s not really a sex maniac- There were often times I would spend a whole weekend at his house & we didn’t have sex. He said tonight, he would be happy to lie in bed & just kiss & cuddle. Whether he means that or not, I Don’t know.