Relationship Stigma

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K

Kay_Kay

Guest
#1
#1
Something has been bothering me this past month. What is up with all this negativity and finger-wagging when it comes to relationships? It's not a sin to like the opposite gender- and pursue their affection. It's no wonder Christians are so lonely, and a lot of us young people are single, none of you want to take a chance. In your respectable effort to be careful you've closed yourself off completely to romantic interests- and I promise you that attitude will work against you. No one is going to approach someone who's body language clearly says they're not interested.

I'm not encouraging throwing yourself at people, but you shouldn't feel like being flirtatious is shameful. People are built to interact romantically. You can be charming and flirtatious without giving away your virginity or crossing boundaries. Men are automatically attracted to femininity, and women to masculinity, if you're stoic and wondering when that guy or girl is going to notice you recognize you're working against yourself.

I can understand how this message could be misconstrued- please understand that I'm not promoting promiscuous behavior, but rather trying to install a healthy attitude towards relating to the opposite gender. I've just been observing a major shut down among my peers and I don't think it's good.
 
M

Matthew

Guest
#2
#2
Kay_Kay said:
Men are automatically attracted to femininity, and women to masculinity, if you're stoic and wondering when that guy or girl is going to notice you recognize you're working against yourself.
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What if you're naturally stoic? :( Does no-one like a little intense brooding anymore? :D

But to be serious I agree with you, I see the threads on here saying crushes are bad, flirting is bad etc....we should be dignified and restrained.....must find a balance between the two approaches.

I think it is in part simply a reaction to the extremely casual attitudes in society at large, people often guard against that by being too cautious and it is ultimately just as damaging but in a different way.

Do need to enjoy the odd bit of innocent flirting, just be nice about it. :)
 
V

Vidy

Guest
#3
#3
I think this should be the correct message-

Do NOT be afraid to flirt, and ESPECIALLY don't feel bad to like somebody. However, first you must evaluate WHO you like- Are they a Christian? Could I be with them for the rest of my life? What do I NOT like about them? Then, when you flirt, flirt APPROPRIATELY. Have fun, casual conversation. Lots of physical contact should NOT be in a flirting stage, but some body language is good.

Just be sure you take it seriously. It is NOT a game. You are looking for a LIFETIME partner- Make the decision carefully, but don't be scared to go look.
 
K

Kay_Kay

Guest
#4
#4
Vidy said:
I think this should be the correct message-

Do NOT be afraid to flirt, and ESPECIALLY don't feel bad to like somebody. However, first you must evaluate WHO you like- Are they a Christian? Could I be with them for the rest of my life? What do I NOT like about them? Then, when you flirt, flirt APPROPRIATELY. Have fun, casual conversation. Lots of physical contact should NOT be in a flirting stage, but some body language is good.

Just be sure you take it seriously. It is NOT a game. You are looking for a LIFETIME partner- Make the decision carefully, but don't be scared to go look.
Click to expand...
I don't think people should get into a relationship with the expectation of marriage. That is a serious mistake because you're throwing commitment into something that hasn't even had time to blossom, and probably rejecting a lot of people who could surprise you with how much they have to offer. An amount of seriousness is good, but this "can I marry them?" question should be much later in a relationship, not a question that you ask to determine if you get into one.
 
N

NodMyHeadLikeYeah

Guest
#5
#5
Matthew said:
What if you're naturally stoic? :( Does no-one like a little intense brooding anymore? :D

But to be serious I agree with you, I see the threads on here saying crushes are bad, flirting is bad etc....we should be dignified and restrained.....must find a balance between the two approaches.

I think it is in part simply a reaction to the extremely casual attitudes in society at large, people often guard against that by being too cautious and it is ultimately just as damaging but in a different way.

Do need to enjoy the odd bit of innocent flirting, just be nice about it. :)
Click to expand...

Intense brooding is hot
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#6
Aug 2, 2009
24,580
4,269
113
#6
Kay_Kay said:
Something has been bothering me this past month. What is up with all this negativity and finger-wagging when it comes to relationships? It's not a sin to like the opposite gender- and pursue their affection. It's no wonder Christians are so lonely, and a lot of us young people are single, none of you want to take a chance. In your respectable effort to be careful you've closed yourself off completely to romantic interests- and I promise you that attitude will work against you. No one is going to approach someone who's body language clearly says they're not interested.

I'm not encouraging throwing yourself at people, but you shouldn't feel like being flirtatious is shameful. People are built to interact romantically. You can be charming and flirtatious without giving away your virginity or crossing boundaries. Men are automatically attracted to femininity, and women to masculinity, if you're stoic and wondering when that guy or girl is going to notice you recognize you're working against yourself.

I can understand how this message could be misconstrued- please understand that I'm not promoting promiscuous behavior, but rather trying to install a healthy attitude towards relating to the opposite gender. I've just been observing a major shut down among my peers and I don't think it's good.
Click to expand...
I agree! Now if someone would just flirt with me...
 
MahogonySnail

MahogonySnail

Banned
#7
Jan 8, 2009
7,576
23
0
#7
I agree what's wrong with a bit of harmless flrting?

So, flirt away.

I don't have any diseases. What are you waiting for.
 
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L

lil-rush

Guest
#8
#8
I don't flirt and I don't date. If God is going to make me stay single the rest of my life because of that, then oh well.

I think it is sad that Christians think we have to flirt and date around in order to be pleasing enough to get people to want to marry us. If a guy cannot accept me for what I am -which is someone who doesn't do that type of stuff- then why would I marry him anyways?

And I'm not single because of my views. I'm single because I don't want to get married right now. If I was really serious about getting married, I'd pray about it and do something about it. Since I have no intention of marrying anyone right now, flirting and dating is completely pointless for me at the moment anyways.

Personally, I'd rather be friends with guys than view them all as potential-husband material. Flirting with guys would just make things awkward for me.
 
L

lightbliss

Guest
#9
#9
lil-rush said:
I don't flirt and I don't date. If God is going to make me stay single the rest of my life because of that, then oh well.

I think it is sad that Christians think we have to flirt and date around in order to be pleasing enough to get people to want to marry us. If a guy cannot accept me for what I am -which is someone who doesn't do that type of stuff- then why would I marry him anyways?

And I'm not single because of my views. I'm single because I don't want to get married right now. If I was really serious about getting married, I'd pray about it and do something about it. Since I have no intention of marrying anyone right now, flirting and dating is completely pointless for me at the moment anyways.

Personally, I'd rather be friends with guys than view them all as potential-husband material. Flirting with guys would just make things awkward for me.
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I agree with you on this one.
 
D

Dread_Zeppelin

Guest
#10
#10
Agreed. So frustrating. I'm 23 and I've never had a Christian boyfriend or been asked out by a Christian.
 
MahogonySnail

MahogonySnail

Banned
#12
Jan 8, 2009
7,576
23
0
#12
Agreed. So frustrating. I'm 23 and I've never had a Christian boyfriend or been asked out by a Christian.
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i find that hard to believe. But i take your word for it.
 
M

Maddog

Guest
#13
#13
I still like Kay Kay.
 
K

Kuroko

Guest
#14
#14
I don't flirt and I don't date. If God is going to make me stay single the rest of my life because of that, then oh well.

I think it is sad that Christians think we have to flirt and date around in order to be pleasing enough to get people to want to marry us. If a guy cannot accept me for what I am -which is someone who doesn't do that type of stuff- then why would I marry him anyways?
Click to expand...
Nah, the flirting is to let the person know your interested, if they flirt back then you know the interest is both ways, the date is to get to know the other person, if you start as friends then the dating is less necessary but I struggle to wonder how two people can show one another that they like each other without a little flirting..

Now, this is where we realize what peoples definition of flirting is.
I think that's where every one's getting confused about it ^_^

Rob
 
I

ilavjesus

Guest
#15
#15
now,,,,flirting is completely legal........
GO!! FLIRT!! in a right way...i know..hhaahha
 
Lightswitch

Lightswitch

Banned
#16
Mar 22, 2010
6
0
0
#16
I don't even see how promiscuity is a bad thing, even by a Christian standard. If we are all to respect each other, than in certain atmospheres, we should encourage a bit of sexual liberalism. Now if you have the opinion that no sex should occur in a pre-marital sense, we can still engage in some pretty.. um.. entertaining acts. Acts that benefit both men and women. So, the way I see it, wave your freak flags high, and if the Creator left gaps in his rules, then they aren't gaps at all, but privileges! Enjoy!
 
L

lil-rush

Guest
#17
#17
Kuroko said:
Nah, the flirting is to let the person know your interested, if they flirt back then you know the interest is both ways, the date is to get to know the other person, if you start as friends then the dating is less necessary but I struggle to wonder how two people can show one another that they like each other without a little flirting..

Now, this is where we realize what peoples definition of flirting is.
I think that's where every one's getting confused about it ^_^

Rob
Click to expand...
Plenty of people are just naturally flirtatious, and it has nothing to do with liking a person, so flirting isn't a fool-proof way of letting a person know you like them. Maybe a simple "I like you" would suffice? ;)
 
K

Kuroko

Guest
#18
#18
lil-rush said:
Plenty of people are just naturally flirtatious, and it has nothing to do with liking a person, so flirting isn't a fool-proof way of letting a person know you like them. Maybe a simple "I like you" would suffice? ;)
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You have NO IDEA how much easier things would be if every one just did this :p

Half the trouble is putting yourself out there though ;)
 
N

nobadee

Guest
#19
#19
Kay_Kay said:
I don't think people should get into a relationship with the expectation of marriage. That is a serious mistake because you're throwing commitment into something that hasn't even had time to blossom, and probably rejecting a lot of people who could surprise you with how much they have to offer. An amount of seriousness is good, but this "can I marry them?" question should be much later in a relationship, not a question that you ask to determine if you get into one.
Click to expand...
I do not think I can agree with that. Lets say you were in a relationship with someone for 4 years. You finally decide to get married. 1 year into the marriage everything falls apart. That was 4 years you wasted playing footsie when you never fully committed to each other in the first place. Had you done so, you would have been prepared. You have to have it set in your mind when you meet someone that you may be with this person for the rest of your life. If not you will allow yourself to ignore those trivial things about the other person that could potentially devastate your relationship later on.

I'm not saying you should just throw yourself completely at someone; but, it's not a bad idea to think ahead. You could spend 4 years playing footsie with someone only to find out after being married for a year that they make a terrible spouse. I know, we can't predict the future; but, we can still use good judgment to get us there in one piece.
 
K

Kay_Kay

Guest
#20
#20
nobadee said:
I do not think I can agree with that. Lets say you were in a relationship with someone for 4 years. You finally decide to get married. 1 year into the marriage everything falls apart. That was 4 years you wasted playing footsie when you never fully committed to each other in the first place. Had you done so, you would have been prepared. You have to have it set in your mind when you meet someone that you may be with this person for the rest of your life. If not you will allow yourself to ignore those trivial things about the other person that could potentially devastate your relationship later on.

I'm not saying you should just throw yourself completely at someone; but, it's not a bad idea to think ahead. You could spend 4 years playing footsie with someone only to find out after being married for a year that they make a terrible spouse. I know, we can't predict the future; but, we can still use good judgment to get us there in one piece.
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I think the more likely scenario is Christians rejecting decent people because their first impression of their peers doesn't qualify in the spouse check-list. And they are ticking off the spouse check-list because they are under the impression who they choose to date should be their future husband or wife.

You are also making the assumption that relationships are a waste of time if they don't end up with a marriage proposal. Haven't you ever had a friendship with someone that didn't last? Do you look back in time and think "what a waste, I shouldn't have bothered"? Or do you think of the personal growth and the experience that friend has influenced as a positive thing? If you like someone why would you reject them, because they might not be your friend forever?
 
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