I'm starting to think God may be wanting me to give up something I really want: to be married. I told God in my prayer journal I would follow him no matter what. But I'd be greatly disappointed if I remained single for the rest of my life. Never mind the fact that I'm not too excited about heaven, where everyone is married to Jesus and loves everyone the same, which isn't really love at all.
I will be honest with you:
it's entirely possible that God is asking you to give up this dream of being married, not because He plans to keep you single all of your life, but because He wants you to be willing to follow Him anywhere, whether or not it means marriage for you.
I've spent a lot of time reading about Christians who lived in the 1800- early 1900's; it was time when God created huge revivals in America, Britain, and other places, and there were a lot of seriously dedicated, saved and sanctified Christians. The thing is, before God can baptize us with the Holy Ghost, He has to get us to a place of complete self-surrender, and that means making us give up the things that are dearest to us, either so that He can restore it to us in a way that won't interfere with our relationship to Him, or so that something potentially harmful to us is removed from our lives. Because marriage was such a huge deal for women back then (marriage, in the eyes of God, is always a big deal, but culturally it was much bigger back then), God sometimes had to make these daughters of His give up their dreams of marriage for His service; sometimes, they went on to serve Him as single women for the rest of their lives; other times, He did in fact call them into a marriage with a dedicated Christian man.
I know God should be the most important thing in my life, but I'm starting to think that all God wants of me is constant sacrifice and self-denial. I can't really imagine his will involving something I would want. After all, what I want isn't nearly as important as what he wants. It may be God's will but that doesn't mean I like it or am happy with it. Then again, I guess God only cares about my holiness anyway.
Actually, you're entirely correct. God does want self-denial, but not the kind you're trying to offer. God wants self-denial, not because we feel obligated to do it, but because we're doing it out of love to Him. Unfortunately, this is extremely hard to do if you're not sanctified, (or, "filled with the Holy Ghost," or, as the old-timers back then used to call it, "
made holy in heart"), which is why you're struggling. It's hard to act holy when your nature isn't holy, yet. Instead of consecrating your life to God out of love and obedience, you've fallen into an old, old trap that I've fallen into many, many times: legalistic, required, slave service. Ask God to help you serve Him out of love, and most importantly: take time to enjoy God. I struggle with this a lot, but when I follow my own advice, there is peace and joy and service and obedience isn't such a burden.
You're absolutely right - God does only care about your holiness. Why? Because when God makes you holy, you will be happy. When you get to the place where God can pour His Spirit out upon you, God's path of self-denial and holiness and consecration won't be a drag to you, because that old drag of inbred sin that was still there when you first got saved won't be there. I'm not going to lie: I'm not there yet. I'm not sanctified, I'm stubborn and lazy, but I know of people whom God has done that for once He got them to that place where they surrendered all, forever (and kept that life-sacrifice on the altar once they got it there).
Also, you said at the top that you don't look forward to Heaven because there isn't real love there... That's not true. It's the same love we experienced in His presence on earth (you have felt His love and presence before, I hope...), and the same love we benefited from when He died on he cross, and (if we have obeyed Him and let Him bring us to the place of complete surrender) the same purity from inbred sin with all of the problems it brings, with this incredible bonus...
1. Perfect, unchanging awareness of His Presence and Love at all times that we were not allowed to experience on earth because of times where He had to try us in order to build our faith in Him.
2. Perfect bodies and minds, so that we understand more fully what He has done for us, and are able to worship Him perfectly; and since we have perfect bodies, we won't forget what He has done for us: it will always be fresh in our minds, because our minds will be perfectly clear. Also, no funky mood fluctuations. Yay!
The thing is I feel like I have to choose between God and being happy. I've always associated God with giving up everything, since the Bible seems to talk about that more than joy. Either that or it just stands out to me more.
This is a trap of Satan, because choosing God is hard, but it will ultimately make you happy. And by happy, I mean floating on air, elated, in love happy. It won't make you that way always 100% of the time, but at the times where your don't experience that, there will be peace and quiet joy (as long as you are careful to cultivate and guard your relationship with God).
What you're missing is this: In the Bible, joy is the fruit of suffering - unless we are trying to do things on our own and not clinging to God for support, or are trying to do what we think will make us happy instead of what God knows will make us happy.
Another thing: God is asking your to give up your life and plans and stuff, so that He can give you His. Which is a good idea, since He knows the future and you perfectly, and literally owns everything... and if you're His child, you're also His heir.
Something that slightly concerns me is that, while this could very well be God bringing you to a new level of consecration in your life, it could also just be you imposing this on yourself like a monk since you assume that God wants you to be hard on yourself and never be happy. I've fallen into that trap a lot, too. My advice would be to pray about it, and make sure that whatever God asks you to do, you will do it - not in word, but in deed. That way, if God calls you to be married, you will do it, and have joy and peace about it. And if He calls you to be single, you will do it, and have peace and joy because you've already surrendered that part of your life. And whichever God calls you to do, you will be fulfilled because you're living your life inside the will of God out of love for Him.
