I missed an opportunity today.
The community choir I am in sang at a woman's memorial service who was a long time member. I did not know her but know her husband, also in the choir. She quit due to medical issues before I had joined the group a few years ago. Among other things, we sang a song that her husband had commissioned someone to compose for her on their 40th wedding anniversary ten years ago. The text paraphrases 1 Corinthians 13, AKA "the Love Chapter." During the song, I made the mistake of making eye contact with her husband. It was hard to sing without getting emotional after that.
But the missed opportunity came after the service and reception, which was in a large Lutheran church downtown. A woman who appeared to be in her sixties was on the steps and immediately got nervous when she saw me. She may have been homeless - I really don't know. Many of the homeless here pay more attention to their appearance than one would think, so one can never tell. She explained rather quickly that her father had either just died or was dying of Alzheimer's and was in his mid-eighties and she just wanted to sit on the steps of the church for a while to be comforted.
She was very apologetic and saying all this to me perhaps thinking that I was a pastor or something. I explained that I didn't attend there and was only there for a memorial service, but that nobody would mind that she sat there.
It dawned on me as I was halfway to my car that I could have done way much more. I had nowhere pressing to go. I was tired, yes. The service had gone exceptionally long and at one point I had to sneak out to feed the meter after two hours. But I was supposed to sit there with the woman. I know that. I was supposed to listen to her tell stories of her father or go back to the reception and get her some food or cry with her or tell her that she doesn't have to sit on the steps of a church to feel close to God, but could have 24/7 access to God through Jesus Christ, her Redeemer. Or maybe I was supposed to just sit there silently with her for an hour or so. But I was supposed to sit there with her.
I did none of these things because I was tired. My fatigue was more important than her emotional or spiritual comfort. Lately, I have become so annoyed at Christians who seem to only seem to do whatever they perceive the bare minimum to be, but don't really want to be inconvenienced by serving any more than that.
God just showed me that I've become one of those people who annoy me. Somewhere along the line, I became judgmental and self-righteous. So now I am coming to God, asking Him to change my heart. I don't want to be someone who only shares his love when it's easy. When it's convenient.
When the reality of my impending divorce hit me, my first coherent words to God were that I still loved him. I want that kind of faith again. I want to be in awe of life itself as I was in the last year of my brother's life, when I was one of his caretakers, watching him deteriorate and realizing that every single breath we take is because God himself allows it - because of his grace. I want to be amazed at God's gift of life again...but with the wisdom that the years since these experiences have given me.
But most of all, I want to be able to love, even when it's inconvenient. When it cost a little more than I can comfortably give. When it takes a little too much time...and when sitting on the steps of a church with a strange woman looks a little bit weird.
