He knows I have issues with them, and doesn't ask me to be around them, but there are those times where I just can't avoid her. It's a toss up between going to church or Sunday school and avoiding them.
If I go wherever they are, they nag me to let them take my kids, or they make me feel bad for saying no. That's usually where "but I'm their grandma" comes in.
I really don't like surprises, especially when said surprise happens in or around my bubble. My mother-in-law will call me up and say "hey, I'm just passing by, mind if I come up for a sec?" I only have half a minute –if that– to prepare for the invasion of my space.
It doesn't help that people make me feel bad for wanting to be respected, or make me feel like I'm the only one who has a problem with people who don't know what personal space is.
I can relate to a lot of what you're dealing with, particularly the in-law invasion. My mother in law, whom I actually do like, is...kind of difficult in the same way. She wants to come over, she's going to do it. And then she's going to overstep all the boundaries and usurp my authority over my children. And if I get brave enough to tell her so, she cries. And my husband, he does step in a lot of the time, but he's not always here to see these things.
I'm learning to deal with it- and I don't mean just accept her behavior, because this is My home and they are My kids. I mean, I speak up and let her know that she needs to back off. I say it nicely, but in a way that she can't misunderstand. And I also don't always let her come over every time she wants to. Even if I'm not busy, I'll tell her that another day would be better, just so she realizes that she can't just show up just because she's bored.
Also, I have to treat her like a guest, rather than letting her come in and take over like she owns the place. If the first thing I say when she comes in is, "Hi! Good to see you! Sit down, let me get you something to drink", then I feel a little more in control of the visit, you know? Rather than her coming in, breezing past me, getting whatever she wants from the fridge...yeah.
The other thing that has helped...I'm learning when to just let it go. When to just allow her to "help" with the kids, or stay out of the way so she feels like she's getting plenty of grandma time. If the kids are safe, and happy, even if I feel irritated that she didn't ask me first, I let it go. And I even try to create opportunities for her to have the kids mostly to herself...partly because I need the short break, but also so they get to be with grandma under My conditions instead of letting her "make the rules" all the time.
I really do feel for you here, I know how frustrating it can be. I pray that between you and your husband, you can all communicate and find a balance that works for everyone. It won't be perfect, nothing ever is...but if everyone is Mostly happy...you're doing good.
