I've recently started at a new church filled with young adults, as opposed to my last church of 50 middle aged-elderly people and 1-2 other young adults. Anyways, I have pretty much mapped out who are the young single men approximately my age and have successfully been avoiding them for the time being, and when conversations start its always polite but shortly lived.
So there is a single youth pastor that the other male pastors jokingly poke at about meeting a good Christian woman and settling down with. Well, last month I had a very vivid dream about him, and there was this wall falling down, and we both pray and make it out alive and then he kisses me and asks me to meet him for a date the following Friday. I wouldn't have been bothered by such a dream if it didn't feel so real and the emotions of that dream seem to be so memorable and strong. Not that I fancy him, or feel attracted to him, just a strange desire to connect.
Anyways, every time I see him I remember the dream and basically feel stupid, and have successfully avoided eye contact with this man, hoping I will get it in my head to look at him only as a pastor figure, and not as the man in my dream. So tonight after church the young adults meet at a local park with take out food and chill, and tonight he came and sat down with the small group I was with and we began some small chat with introductions and what we do for a living etc.
It didn't take long before I snatched up my satchel and loudly declared my departure.
I am such a girl.
I thought I was going somewhere with this whole, 'Avoid dating and men' thing while 'Keeping my eyes on God for this season' but I think I'm just plain scared.
Just plain scared to feel something about someone.
Oh, Jesus, the places we travel as you uncover my heart and breathe out love until fear has no hold, no, no hold anymore.