Yesterday, I experienced something new- for a split second a feeling of panic (even dread?) rushed over me from a thought. The thought that I am consciously aware of my existence. I am consciously aware that I am alive, when I could not have been, I am also consciously aware that I will die. My body will begin to deteriorate and break down. It is a matter of time. I was born into this awareness of life and death.
I do not know the minds of insects, but I have suspicion that they are not consciously aware that they exist, and what it means to exist (even though Pixar tries). They do not stop to ponder, why do I do the things that I do? As if they have a choice in the matter. As if they go through existential crises, and decide 'no, i will no longer serve the queen bee, I'm off to find myself in Europe'
We have been given the gift of a conscience. I am not sure why, but it scares me a little to think that if I do make until I am old and grey, I'll be laying on my deathbed consciously aware that this is the end, with no control over the fact. That in a second I am to be gone. The world will live on as if I never existed, just as it did when I was alive.
(I know some people on here will want to reply to this, about what they believe the afterlife will be and not to fear and all that. I know what you will say, I know the scripture that you will quote. But I think I just need to sit in this thought for a bit.)
“LORD, make me to know my end
And what is the extent of my days;
Let me know how transient I am.
“Behold, You have made my days as handbreadths,
And my lifetime as nothing in Your sight;
Surely every man at his best is a mere breath.
Selah.
“Surely every man walks about as a phantom;
Surely they make an uproar for nothing;
He amasses riches and does not know who will gather them.
“And now, Lord, for what do I wait?
My hope is in You.
“Hear my prayer, O LORD, and give ear to my cry;
Do not be silent at my tears;
For I am a stranger with You,
A sojourner like all my fathers.
“Turn Your gaze away from me, that I may smile again
Before I depart and am no more.”
(Psalm 39:4-7, 12-13 NASB)
"Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow. The days creep slowly along until the end of time. And every day that’s already happened has taken fools that much closer to their deaths. Out, out, brief candle. Life is nothing more than an illusion. It’s like a poor actor who struts and worries for his hour on the stage and then is never heard from again. Life is a story told by an idiot, full of noise and emotional disturbance but devoid of meaning."
- (MacBeth) W. Shakespeare
please pray for me. I feel miserable right now.
