My mother died last January.
My father died yesterday.
I'm sad now
My father died yesterday.
I'm sad now
And welcome to CC.
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I'm sorry that you are going through this! Please know that when people "like" posts, it doesn't always mean that they like the content, but rather, it's a way to communicate that you are being prayed for and supported. You are not alone.
And welcome to CC.
And welcome to CC.
I
Minus 5 degrees here,and pretty much no end in sight of any warmth to come.
I woke up a little anxious today...stressed...
Ok. I lie. A lot! Of both of those thing's. and as I sit here & go over thing's making lists of what I need to do today,and grumbling in my own head of how badly I don't want to venture out to do these thing's...how all I want to do is hide under the covers & envision myself someplace else.
I have been praying under my breath. Thing's that to my mind & making no sense,and then I log on CC...and as always I come to my favourite thread...STREAMS. I see so much sadness,mixed with humour...stress...hopefulness..regret...wandering...amazing encouragement...needs,wants,desires...it's all here under one strange little roof of a thread.
I don't have the words to help anyone. I cannot fix situations. I cannot comfort those whom I barely know or those who I love. The plain simple fact is that I feel like NOTHING.
THIS IS A LIE!
..and every day I have to determine with all my heart that I am not going to focus on the mess that my life has been (and in some ways still is) It's not to be in denial of thing's...but to choose not to let it consume me. Believe me,it is so much easier to just give into my own demons & pain. I often wonder if there's a point in my christian walk where God will suddenly make everything "right" that's messed up in my life.
Then I realize that He did. Over 2000 years ago by sending His Son.
So even knowing this....many many many times,I can say with 100% honesty I will still look at God & say,"Yeah...and???" "What else have you got for me Lord,'cause I feel like nothing in my life is working...ever...and thanks for the whole Jesus thing,but I'm still a mess!"
This is life. Up's - Down's...all of it. I don't understand God fully,and I'm not sure I ever will.
LOL ,and not to sound disrespectful (which He understands my heart when I say this) but...I don't care any more!
God is God. I am Jim. He loves me. Even if I don't have this perfect little cookie cutter christian life of rainbows & awesomely good times with my church family & friends.
It breaks my heart to see people I care about hurting...then I realize it hurts Jesus more I guess. I dunno...it's easy not to care anymore,and not care in a spiteful,depressed way about thing's. I know. I do it. Try not to. But yeah...happens a lot.
I don't feel cool or special,or ever once like I have the inside track on how to live my life better for God or for other's...and I certainly don't know how to LOVE other's the way I so desire to. I EPIC FAIL 24/7 - 365! True Story.
...and still God loves me.
...and still there are pockets of people He has placed in my life over the years who deeply..genuinely have loved me too.
...those are the thing's that help give me hope.
Knowing that everyone struggles to overcome each day and I am not alone in this. There is ALWAYS someone out there who is praying for us,thinking of us...asking God to look out for us,loving us..and we may never know who they are. You just can't convince me that they aren't. I'm not even talking about Jesus,that's a given.
Once again I have gobbled up a chunk of this wonderful thread birthed from the heart of persNickety to help us all encourage one another or just open up about life...from the most mundane to the most tragic...to the most epic...to the most joyful!
It's all here...it's like the body of Christ...it's like..no,it is the church!
...and it's perfectly,beautifully flawed.
...and that's ok.
I woke up a little anxious today...stressed...
Ok. I lie. A lot! Of both of those thing's. and as I sit here & go over thing's making lists of what I need to do today,and grumbling in my own head of how badly I don't want to venture out to do these thing's...how all I want to do is hide under the covers & envision myself someplace else.
I have been praying under my breath. Thing's that to my mind & making no sense,and then I log on CC...and as always I come to my favourite thread...STREAMS. I see so much sadness,mixed with humour...stress...hopefulness..regret...wandering...amazing encouragement...needs,wants,desires...it's all here under one strange little roof of a thread.
I don't have the words to help anyone. I cannot fix situations. I cannot comfort those whom I barely know or those who I love. The plain simple fact is that I feel like NOTHING.
THIS IS A LIE!
..and every day I have to determine with all my heart that I am not going to focus on the mess that my life has been (and in some ways still is) It's not to be in denial of thing's...but to choose not to let it consume me. Believe me,it is so much easier to just give into my own demons & pain. I often wonder if there's a point in my christian walk where God will suddenly make everything "right" that's messed up in my life.
Then I realize that He did. Over 2000 years ago by sending His Son.
So even knowing this....many many many times,I can say with 100% honesty I will still look at God & say,"Yeah...and???" "What else have you got for me Lord,'cause I feel like nothing in my life is working...ever...and thanks for the whole Jesus thing,but I'm still a mess!"
This is life. Up's - Down's...all of it. I don't understand God fully,and I'm not sure I ever will.
LOL ,and not to sound disrespectful (which He understands my heart when I say this) but...I don't care any more!
God is God. I am Jim. He loves me. Even if I don't have this perfect little cookie cutter christian life of rainbows & awesomely good times with my church family & friends.
It breaks my heart to see people I care about hurting...then I realize it hurts Jesus more I guess. I dunno...it's easy not to care anymore,and not care in a spiteful,depressed way about thing's. I know. I do it. Try not to. But yeah...happens a lot.
I don't feel cool or special,or ever once like I have the inside track on how to live my life better for God or for other's...and I certainly don't know how to LOVE other's the way I so desire to. I EPIC FAIL 24/7 - 365! True Story.
...and still God loves me.
...and still there are pockets of people He has placed in my life over the years who deeply..genuinely have loved me too.
...those are the thing's that help give me hope.
Knowing that everyone struggles to overcome each day and I am not alone in this. There is ALWAYS someone out there who is praying for us,thinking of us...asking God to look out for us,loving us..and we may never know who they are. You just can't convince me that they aren't. I'm not even talking about Jesus,that's a given.
Once again I have gobbled up a chunk of this wonderful thread birthed from the heart of persNickety to help us all encourage one another or just open up about life...from the most mundane to the most tragic...to the most epic...to the most joyful!
It's all here...it's like the body of Christ...it's like..no,it is the church!
...and it's perfectly,beautifully flawed.
...and that's ok.
K
Thank you...Mr. Catherder. You may...wonder...why I am speaking to you in this voice. I have a confession to make Mr. Catherder. I discovered yesterday that I sounded a good deal like Agent Smith from the Matrix. You do remember Agent Smith... don't you Mr. Catherder?
I am willing to wipe your slate clean Mr. Catherder.....even though you might not think you have a slate....to clean. I am willing, nonetheless, to clean it by wiping it.
(I'm digging this....I really sound like him...it's unreal...wish you were here)
Therefore, Mr. Catherder, all we ask in return is your....cooperation.....your... willingness, if you will.
I am willing to wipe your slate clean Mr. Catherder.....even though you might not think you have a slate....to clean. I am willing, nonetheless, to clean it by wiping it.
(I'm digging this....I really sound like him...it's unreal...wish you were here)
Therefore, Mr. Catherder, all we ask in return is your....cooperation.....your... willingness, if you will.
I am so tired lately, I don't know why, maybe it's the cold and snow. Maybe I'm part bear and should hibernate during the winter. Anyhow I was taking a nice nap, I'm waiting for a call from our mechanic, I don't now his phone number by heart. I got a call and it was local, I'm thinking, cool it's the mechanic, our car is ready! No it was Triple A trying to sell me insurance.
M
I don't understand negative, pessimistic people. People who see everything as a tragedy, or an insult, or just...just looking at the world, or God even, as though they are being picked on. Like God has given them this terrible, awful lot in life and there's no way to ever be or do more than they are.
And I'm not...I'm not bashing people like that. I can understand, to an extent, how too many hard knocks in life can just break a person.
It just, I don't know...depression and constant despair just don't compute for me, I guess. Maybe I'm wired all wrong for truly understanding that kind of mindset, maybe I can't really grasp how a person can be that way because I'm filled to the brim with foolish optimism. I don't know.
I've reached a point in my life where I don't have room for negativity anymore. I've been there, I've been with people who have no joy, no hope...and I hate, hate, hate saying this, but it is just exhausting. And it's not that I don't want to try to help people, or see them be happy, or whatever it is they need/want from me...I just...
I give away so much of myself in relationships, be it romantic or with friends or family, that I can't...I can't afford to...be giving away my...light, I suppose...without having light shined on me in return. I'm not explaining it right, but it's the best I can do. I feel so horribly selfish, admitting that I need that out of whatever kind of relationship I'm in, yet I've come too far and learned too much from my past to allow myself to get into any new situation that drains me like that.
Moments when I kind of hate that I'm made this way...*sigh*
And I'm not...I'm not bashing people like that. I can understand, to an extent, how too many hard knocks in life can just break a person.
It just, I don't know...depression and constant despair just don't compute for me, I guess. Maybe I'm wired all wrong for truly understanding that kind of mindset, maybe I can't really grasp how a person can be that way because I'm filled to the brim with foolish optimism. I don't know.
I've reached a point in my life where I don't have room for negativity anymore. I've been there, I've been with people who have no joy, no hope...and I hate, hate, hate saying this, but it is just exhausting. And it's not that I don't want to try to help people, or see them be happy, or whatever it is they need/want from me...I just...
I give away so much of myself in relationships, be it romantic or with friends or family, that I can't...I can't afford to...be giving away my...light, I suppose...without having light shined on me in return. I'm not explaining it right, but it's the best I can do. I feel so horribly selfish, admitting that I need that out of whatever kind of relationship I'm in, yet I've come too far and learned too much from my past to allow myself to get into any new situation that drains me like that.
Moments when I kind of hate that I'm made this way...*sigh*
Being around negativity a lot can really take it's toll. Many years ago when I was a waitress I worked with this woman who was a more negative Eeyore in a woman's body.
This was at a retirement home and some of the people there were very depressed, so it was easy for her to find people to be unhappy with. Except those people were very old and tired and lonely. It wasn't good for them to have that around them almost every day. Someone would complain about something and she'd be right there to nay say and egg it on. It really made me sick. I tried very hard to ignore it but it was tough because during the day it was just the two of us. So I was very quite at that job because I didn't want to hear it.
It was such a relief when she was on vacation or sick because another woman that was fun and upbeat and didn't complain would work with me.
I got married when I was working there, I invited people I worked with to our wedding and I invited her, I didn't want to but I didn't want to be rude. When I came back from my honey moon she actually complained about where she sat in the church and the food. This was after I had to hear my husband (Dave) step sister complain about the food and the hotel she and her family stayed in. I was so hurt by that.
I try to stay far away from negative people as I can. So I feel for ya girl.
My mother died last January.
My father died yesterday.
I'm sad now
My father died yesterday.
I'm sad now
This makes perfect sense to me MissCris, and I can relate to it. I tend to be a caring person. Therefore I exhaust myself trying to give to other people and often, broken people gravitate toward me for that reason. But some people are like black holes... all the giving goes in, and nothing ever comes back out. I think there's a delicate balance in how much we can give those people. Not because we don't care about them, but because we have to protect ourselves from being emptied completely and losing the very spark that we are trying to feed them. We can't MAKE people feel happiness or joy or contentment.
There are also hurting people in the world who DO give back, in spite of their own pain. Those people are amazing.
M
It's 42 degrees outside and sunny blue skies...
So I put on a t-shirt and a pair of capris and went and soaked up some vitamin D...
While listening to the sound of frozen things thawing.
Crappy 90's music playing quietly, kids sleeping, my house smells like vanilla and cookies and I've got all the curtains open...
I feel totally amazing right now.
So I put on a t-shirt and a pair of capris and went and soaked up some vitamin D...
While listening to the sound of frozen things thawing.
Crappy 90's music playing quietly, kids sleeping, my house smells like vanilla and cookies and I've got all the curtains open...
I feel totally amazing right now.