Streams of Consciousness & Thoughts~~~

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Donkeyfish07

Guest
#10,841
#10,841
I forgot how old I was today. I couldn't figure out if I was 26, 27 or maybe even 28. lol. I had to count
 
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Shouryu

Guest
#10,844
#10,844
Donkeyfish07 said:
I forgot how old I was today. I couldn't figure out if I was 26, 27 or maybe even 28. lol. I had to count
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wisebeardman said:
I forget how old I am all the time.. I even forget my bday.
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This is pretty much how I've been since about 26 or 27. I only remember my birthday when my parents or The Ex would say something, and the only time I can keep my age straight is when it's a multiple of 5. This year and when I was 30, I knew how old I was/am. Most of the time it's, "I'm 34. Wait, no, 33. Wait...uh..." *counts on fingers*
 
DuchessAimee

DuchessAimee

Senior Member
#10,845
Apr 27, 2011
3,922
129
63
#10,845
The Walking Dead mid season premiere is tonight... and I'm super excited! I've been without my zombies for months now.







It's been awful.
 
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IloveyouGod

Guest
#10,847
#10,847
Praying for you sister!.....


ww_21 said:
I hope it's okay that I post this here. I just need to get something off my chest. I could post it in the confession thread but I would prefer to post it here since this conversation keeps going on and on so the chances of me having to re read this in a few weeks is very slim.

Some of you may know that on September 14th my 17 year old cousin Nick committed suicide. What you don't know is that every day since it happened I blamed myself for it and I have never been able to forgive myself. There were rumors about him being gay going around the family and he was being excluded from family gatherings because of it and I said nothing.

Truth is, I was too wrapped up in my own life. Just two days before he took his own life, my mind ran on him and I was going to call him but I never did. I was too busy spending time with the people directly around me, my boyfriend, wasting time doing silly things like playing games or watching movies or reading. I wasted so much time when I should have set aside five minutes to call him and see how he was doing.

I kept saying "tomorrow" and tomorrow never came for us. I wish I had called him and asked about the rumors and even if they were true I would have told him that I still loved him and that I would always love him and that I will always be there for him no matter what anyone else says to him because he was abandoned by everyone in the family. Truth is he was abused as a child and I can relate to that so I feel guilty for never reaching out to him. I know being gay is wrong but I could have never judged him for it, that's God's job. Mine is to love him unconditionally because he was a child who needed someone to love him and I feel as if I failed him.

I wish I had made that call. I will never forget that on September 14th at around 4:00 pm my cousin called and told me that Nick had hung himself. At first it didn't register so I said "ok" and I hung up. Then the tears began pouring and I called her back and asked "Is he dead?" and she said "yes" and I had to break the news to everyone in my house.

I was so shocked because he was always a boy who refused to let the world get him down. When he was born his father and mother abandoned him and refused to care for him so my mother was the one who took care of him financially while he lived with my grand dad. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if he came to live with us? Would he still be alive? What would his life be like if I had made that one call? I can remember it all like it was yesterday.

I remember what I was wearing when I found out, I remember what I wore to go see his father, my uncle that night. It's something that I can never forget. I remember the funeral because it was my first burial and I was so angry because I looked at him and I did not recognize him. He looked different and it rained that day so much. I remember the rituals and everything that was done, and I remember coming home and tearing everything I was wearing off and throwing it away because it felt dirty and wrong, it felt wrong that he was dead and I was trying to get rid of the memories.

I did not sleep that night, every time I closed my eyes I saw him lying there in that casket. I laid in bed all night with the lights on till the sun came out and that made me angry too, I was angry because the sun came out and it was such a beautiful day and it was perfect out as if nothing bad happened the day before. I felt as if the would should be morning that this boy took his own life because nobody cared enough to reach out.

Even now, I sit here and I wonder to myself what if I made that call? What if I had spoken to him? Would it have helped? Would he still be alive? This guilt... is something I carry around with me every day of my life. Sometimes I feel as if I see him, be it across the street, in a store, I see glimpses of him everywhere. I know it's my mind playing tricks on me and that he's gone but it's so hard to let go.

Sometimes I feel as if God is punishing me for being selfish and not reaching out to my cousin because after he died, so many bad things began happening. After he died about 11 other people died that year and it was just the same scenario on repeat over and over again including my best friend in October. Maybe God is really angry at me for being selfish and not saving my cousin which is why I am having such a hard time with life right now?

I don't know.. I just wish I reached out to him.
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Immawildthing

Immawildthing

Senior Member
#10,849
Jan 20, 2013
1,371
14
38
#10,849
homwardbound said:
God is your friend not your tyrant, talk to him and trust God, I personally have not regretted this after I saw God as my friend over many that teach God as a tyrant
Emotions when in the lead is the trouble maker of the flesh
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zeroturbulence said:
Don't let that worry you too much. Everyone tends to feel that way when they've got other people trying to tell them what to do. It's normal :)
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Yeah, but when my dad tells me not to talk to somebody, and I know it's wrong to talk to them, and I know that God knows it's not the best thing to talk to them. I know if things continue in the direction they do, the it will get in the way of a future spouse. But I don't want to hurt the person's feelings, because I care about them. I don't know how to tell them. I was hoping God would give them the same answer He gave me, but they're not being open about the ways they'll let God communicate with them.
My life's a mess right now...
 
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ww_21

Guest
#10,851
#10,851
Grace-Like-Rain, iTOREtheSKY, Animus, CatHerder, homwardbound , IloveyouGod and everyone else who replied to my post about my cousin sorry if I missed anyone. I wanted to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. This is the first time I was able to admit the guilt to anyone and you guys helped me and made me feel better about the entire thing. I have no words to thank you, for all the prayers, kind words and encouragement. Since he died, I have been keeping it all in and it's nice to know that I can talk about it without being blamed for it. Thanks guys.
 
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ww_21

Guest
#10,852
#10,852
DuchessAimee said:
The Walking Dead mid season premiere is tonight... and I'm super excited! I've been without my zombies for months now.







It's been awful.
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I've been patiently awaiting the return of this as well.
 
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ww_21

Guest
#10,854
#10,854
just_monicat said:
last week's glorious (and delicious) vistas...
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Looks glorious!!! Also, thanks for the pm, I have been in and out all day will get back to you as soon as I can but I just wanted you to know that I appreciate it.

 
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1still_waters

Guest
#10,858
#10,858
How come the male athletes at the winter Olympics sound like they're about to bust out quotes from Wayne's World or Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure during their interviews?..Or about to exclaim.."DUDE I'M GETTIN A DELL!"
 
rachelsedge

rachelsedge

Senior Member
#10,860
Oct 15, 2012
3,659
81
48
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#10,860
Yesterday my church had a short Valentine's Day party outreach for the families of the community. There was one little girl that I thought was just so beautiful, both in her adorable face and her quiet and polite spirit. But, I became sad. I thought, "When will this lovely girl start thinking she isn't good enough? That she must wear makeup to feel pretty? When will she feel like she has to expose her body to get men to like her?" And at that moment I wanted to protect her, and all children/teens from that. Then I asked myself what kind of example I am to them: Do I only feel pretty with makeup? Do I feel like I'm not good enough? It was eye opening and heart crushing.
 
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