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J
It's been one of those days off where I'm running around everywhere from place to place, tiring myself out and then stopping in the evening to rest only to realize that I've accomplished almost NOTHING. 
At least its only 6:30..
At least its only 6:30..
You know those really old scales...when one side weighs more than the other and tilts, it's out of balance, and of course, to balance it out, you put more weight on the other side. Well, it's going to sway for a little bit before it stops and completely balances out.
Right now, I'm swaying back and forth.
Right now, I'm swaying back and forth.
Well, looks like at the end of this year, I will be going with a friend to visit another friend overseas...in the Middle East/Asia region. I can't say exactly where. She's a missionary over there and it's a place that's a bit...hostile to Christians and at times is politically unstable. It's a safe city to be in for tourists, but as far as religion goes, she is "undercover" for the most part. For this reason (among others), my parents aren't too fond of the idea of me going. I really hate to do something that they don't fully support. They tell me I'm an adult and can make my own decisions, I just...eh. I respect them a lot so it sucks that I'm gonna be doing this almost for sure.
I
homwardbound, I don't really understand what do you mean by Will anything any response make this void?......
You've mentioned Abraham. God looked at Abraham's faith and took Abraham's mistakes/sins with a loving heart and worked with it and turned it into a beautiful thing that taught Abraham a lesson.
As human beings we cannot be perfect. But we have to constantly grow in our faith, grow in our relationship with God, be more mature spiritually by God's help of course. We cannot do this by ourselves either.
You've mentioned Abraham. God looked at Abraham's faith and took Abraham's mistakes/sins with a loving heart and worked with it and turned it into a beautiful thing that taught Abraham a lesson.
As human beings we cannot be perfect. But we have to constantly grow in our faith, grow in our relationship with God, be more mature spiritually by God's help of course. We cannot do this by ourselves either.
W
I hope it's okay that I post this here. I just need to get something off my chest. I could post it in the confession thread but I would prefer to post it here since this conversation keeps going on and on so the chances of me having to re read this in a few weeks is very slim.
Some of you may know that on September 14th my 17 year old cousin Nick committed suicide. What you don't know is that every day since it happened I blamed myself for it and I have never been able to forgive myself. There were rumors about him being gay going around the family and he was being excluded from family gatherings because of it and I said nothing.
Truth is, I was too wrapped up in my own life. Just two days before he took his own life, my mind ran on him and I was going to call him but I never did. I was too busy spending time with the people directly around me, my boyfriend, wasting time doing silly things like playing games or watching movies or reading. I wasted so much time when I should have set aside five minutes to call him and see how he was doing.
I kept saying "tomorrow" and tomorrow never came for us. I wish I had called him and asked about the rumors and even if they were true I would have told him that I still loved him and that I would always love him and that I will always be there for him no matter what anyone else says to him because he was abandoned by everyone in the family. Truth is he was abused as a child and I can relate to that so I feel guilty for never reaching out to him. I know being gay is wrong but I could have never judged him for it, that's God's job. Mine is to love him unconditionally because he was a child who needed someone to love him and I feel as if I failed him.
I wish I had made that call. I will never forget that on September 14th at around 4:00 pm my cousin called and told me that Nick had hung himself. At first it didn't register so I said "ok" and I hung up. Then the tears began pouring and I called her back and asked "Is he dead?" and she said "yes" and I had to break the news to everyone in my house.
I was so shocked because he was always a boy who refused to let the world get him down. When he was born his father and mother abandoned him and refused to care for him so my mother was the one who took care of him financially while he lived with my grand dad. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if he came to live with us? Would he still be alive? What would his life be like if I had made that one call? I can remember it all like it was yesterday.
I remember what I was wearing when I found out, I remember what I wore to go see his father, my uncle that night. It's something that I can never forget. I remember the funeral because it was my first burial and I was so angry because I looked at him and I did not recognize him. He looked different and it rained that day so much. I remember the rituals and everything that was done, and I remember coming home and tearing everything I was wearing off and throwing it away because it felt dirty and wrong, it felt wrong that he was dead and I was trying to get rid of the memories.
I did not sleep that night, every time I closed my eyes I saw him lying there in that casket. I laid in bed all night with the lights on till the sun came out and that made me angry too, I was angry because the sun came out and it was such a beautiful day and it was perfect out as if nothing bad happened the day before. I felt as if the would should be morning that this boy took his own life because nobody cared enough to reach out.
Even now, I sit here and I wonder to myself what if I made that call? What if I had spoken to him? Would it have helped? Would he still be alive? This guilt... is something I carry around with me every day of my life. Sometimes I feel as if I see him, be it across the street, in a store, I see glimpses of him everywhere. I know it's my mind playing tricks on me and that he's gone but it's so hard to let go.
Sometimes I feel as if God is punishing me for being selfish and not reaching out to my cousin because after he died, so many bad things began happening. After he died about 11 other people died that year and it was just the same scenario on repeat over and over again including my best friend in October. Maybe God is really angry at me for being selfish and not saving my cousin which is why I am having such a hard time with life right now?
I don't know.. I just wish I reached out to him.
Some of you may know that on September 14th my 17 year old cousin Nick committed suicide. What you don't know is that every day since it happened I blamed myself for it and I have never been able to forgive myself. There were rumors about him being gay going around the family and he was being excluded from family gatherings because of it and I said nothing.
Truth is, I was too wrapped up in my own life. Just two days before he took his own life, my mind ran on him and I was going to call him but I never did. I was too busy spending time with the people directly around me, my boyfriend, wasting time doing silly things like playing games or watching movies or reading. I wasted so much time when I should have set aside five minutes to call him and see how he was doing.
I kept saying "tomorrow" and tomorrow never came for us. I wish I had called him and asked about the rumors and even if they were true I would have told him that I still loved him and that I would always love him and that I will always be there for him no matter what anyone else says to him because he was abandoned by everyone in the family. Truth is he was abused as a child and I can relate to that so I feel guilty for never reaching out to him. I know being gay is wrong but I could have never judged him for it, that's God's job. Mine is to love him unconditionally because he was a child who needed someone to love him and I feel as if I failed him.
I wish I had made that call. I will never forget that on September 14th at around 4:00 pm my cousin called and told me that Nick had hung himself. At first it didn't register so I said "ok" and I hung up. Then the tears began pouring and I called her back and asked "Is he dead?" and she said "yes" and I had to break the news to everyone in my house.
I was so shocked because he was always a boy who refused to let the world get him down. When he was born his father and mother abandoned him and refused to care for him so my mother was the one who took care of him financially while he lived with my grand dad. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if he came to live with us? Would he still be alive? What would his life be like if I had made that one call? I can remember it all like it was yesterday.
I remember what I was wearing when I found out, I remember what I wore to go see his father, my uncle that night. It's something that I can never forget. I remember the funeral because it was my first burial and I was so angry because I looked at him and I did not recognize him. He looked different and it rained that day so much. I remember the rituals and everything that was done, and I remember coming home and tearing everything I was wearing off and throwing it away because it felt dirty and wrong, it felt wrong that he was dead and I was trying to get rid of the memories.
I did not sleep that night, every time I closed my eyes I saw him lying there in that casket. I laid in bed all night with the lights on till the sun came out and that made me angry too, I was angry because the sun came out and it was such a beautiful day and it was perfect out as if nothing bad happened the day before. I felt as if the would should be morning that this boy took his own life because nobody cared enough to reach out.
Even now, I sit here and I wonder to myself what if I made that call? What if I had spoken to him? Would it have helped? Would he still be alive? This guilt... is something I carry around with me every day of my life. Sometimes I feel as if I see him, be it across the street, in a store, I see glimpses of him everywhere. I know it's my mind playing tricks on me and that he's gone but it's so hard to let go.
Sometimes I feel as if God is punishing me for being selfish and not reaching out to my cousin because after he died, so many bad things began happening. After he died about 11 other people died that year and it was just the same scenario on repeat over and over again including my best friend in October. Maybe God is really angry at me for being selfish and not saving my cousin which is why I am having such a hard time with life right now?
I don't know.. I just wish I reached out to him.
Oh my friend... I am so sad for you. This is a burden no one should bear. You can't carry this guilt around. You put too much on yourself. God has plans for us all, written before the beginning of time. Plans for you, and plans for your cousin. And his plans cannot be thwarted. God determines our days.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. Psalm 139:16
Since his days are determined, and the number of his months is with you, and you have appointed his limits that he cannot pass. Job 14:6
I pray that you will be able to forgive yourself, and use this to reach out to others God places in your life as a way of honoring your cousin's memory. The Lord uses all of our life experiences, as his children, to teach us and grow us into vessels for his glory. You are being shaped by this. Let it shape you in a positive way. Do not allow Satan to steal from you by placing these heavy burdens on you, that are not yours to carry.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. Psalm 139:16
Since his days are determined, and the number of his months is with you, and you have appointed his limits that he cannot pass. Job 14:6
I pray that you will be able to forgive yourself, and use this to reach out to others God places in your life as a way of honoring your cousin's memory. The Lord uses all of our life experiences, as his children, to teach us and grow us into vessels for his glory. You are being shaped by this. Let it shape you in a positive way. Do not allow Satan to steal from you by placing these heavy burdens on you, that are not yours to carry.
I shouldn't be up this late, when I do, I get ornery and all emotional about things I wouldn't really get all emotional about. Like the fact that I can't really seem to follow anyone's orders at all. Not exactly very good practice for when I need to take orders from, let's say a future husband, or even more importantly, GOD!
UGH! I feel so terrible right now!
UGH! I feel so terrible right now!
B
Well, today is a "cool" winter day. I love it when all is white covered in snow. Yeah, it's cold, yet tranquil. The Lord makes all things new in His holy time.
Say, MissCris, yours truly has been following up with your posts. You and your 2 precious treasures have been continually in my prayers. Yes, the road ahead is bumpy, and it'll have some sharp turns.
Just be assured that as long as you're gripped inside God's hand, nobody can snatch you away. Be comforted in the fact that anybody coming to harm you, he touches the apple of God's eye!!
Like Holy Yikes! Batman.
"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or peril, or sword? ...Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us" (Romans 8). Be anchored onto Christ, for there we are safe! Hugs, hugs for the 3 of ya. Moms like you are God's blessing! The Lord is good.
In Christ,
BananaPie
Say, MissCris, yours truly has been following up with your posts. You and your 2 precious treasures have been continually in my prayers. Yes, the road ahead is bumpy, and it'll have some sharp turns.
Just be assured that as long as you're gripped inside God's hand, nobody can snatch you away. Be comforted in the fact that anybody coming to harm you, he touches the apple of God's eye!!
Like Holy Yikes! Batman.
"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or peril, or sword? ...Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us" (Romans 8). Be anchored onto Christ, for there we are safe! Hugs, hugs for the 3 of ya. Moms like you are God's blessing! The Lord is good.
In Christ,
BananaPie
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