"In this time and place, I have to be me. I HAVE to be." I'm one of these people who constantly screen people, compare myself against them, re-adjust my behaviour according to my surroundings and think what I should be is what everyone else is because clearly they're right and I'm wrong.
But I'm going through such an interesting time in my life, the Lord has been taking me through a very core shaking voyage, and I have concluded, if I truly want to be walking according to the Lord's will, I have to be me. I just have to be. Because he brought me in to being at this specific point in existence, at this appointed place, equipped with this particular personality, gifts, traits, experience and temperament to reflect His light, His nature and person in this little world I live in.
I know, everyone else has probably knows this, this is like Beginners Christianity lesson 1:01, (the 'I'm a special, unique, individual snow flake Sunday school lesson') but how many of us are constantly at war with ourselves? How many of us are embarrassed about something about ourselves, or haul ourselves into the battle with our weight, our looks, our dress sense, our perception on our self-worth, only to be left feeling defeated? I mean, yes we battle with our flesh, but there is this essence, this flavour that we bring to the table that no one else could and its something we can't fight or conquer. Because these traits are what God wanted us to work with and to flourish with.
The amount of times I face-palm myself at my terrible taste in puns and sense of humour, or the fact I think I get so passionate about something and I fear I'm making people feel uncomfortable with my sky-punching, dramatic 'let's change the world' rants, or the fact I don't like the way the width of my hips are out of proportion to my waist and chest ( silly things, I know). But I have to be me, I am insulting God's handiwork if I curse and loathe the very things that I am that I cannot escape. I need to be 'me' for the now, I was fashioned this way to serve, impact and love the people around me the way I know how.
Things I do: I take one look in the 'Bible Discussions' forum and I am already hanging my head at my inability to have serious theological debates. All I have is 'love-love lovelovelove Looooveee' stories, testimonies and revelations about God. I look at my little bag of 'stuff' I re-use and recycle where ever possible and sometimes place it next to someone else's vast knowledge of the Word and scripture. I feel silly. But you know what? My work place is filled with broken women with broken hearts. I don't think a theological debate is going to move or stir their hearts, I think my sky-punching, passion spiels about God's 'love lovelove love-love-love' is what is needed for this time, for this place, in my little world.
My friend and I have this ridiculous inside joke, its a wild and long story, but all she has to say is, 'I'm just playing my violin in a tree in the corner of Malaysia' and I am set off with stomach aching laughter, tear filled eyes which are usually accompanied with me slapping something in my sweet craziness. I live for these moments, I'm addicted to laughter, I have no shame when I am in a restaurant killing off every conversation taken place because my laugh and gasps for air are penetrating all the chatter and murmuring. But then it sets everyone off and the laughter becomes contagious. I probably look crazy, BUT THAT'S OKAY.
I'm exactly who I need to be. God didn't make a huge blunder when He fashioned me in the womb, He knew what He was doing. You know what? Go loves my hips, in fact He had the blueprints made up before time itself, and even intimately fashioned them accordingly. I believe the Lord takes delight in my laughter, even if it tends to ring out and echo at seemingly inappropriate times.
I may be at a different level of spiritual maturity to others, but that doesn't impact my worth or value. I can stop hating myself and replaying the same self-destructive song in my head as I come to see myself through God's eyes. I am precious. You are precious. Living means we are all in some kind of messy process, but we all have something someone else needs. You are needed. You a worthy and valuable. The beautiful core bit of you that is inside may be a sweet concoction of wonderful things I could never bring to the table. I don't envy that, and won't allow myself to let it beat me to a pulp, but will celebrate the you that you are because we all play a piece in being the bride of Christ, as part of one body.
I love you guys...