Sometimes I think I'm not cut out to live in this ruthless world. I can't be mean to anyone, or even stand up for myself without feeling guilty about it. Boy oh boy, my mother sure knows how to make me feel like a bad person. What's happening is.. I started working in March... and I've been saving all the money so that I can get my visa.. She keeps making me spend unnecessary money on stuff we don't need and always gets really angry when I speak about it.
My sister gave me $600 to buy her an item, I didn't find it so I gave the money to my mom for safe-keeping. She spent it and guess who was the pushover who had to repay my sister? Yes, that's right me. I see stuff all the time that I want to buy for myself, a new phone... an Ipad.. but I don't. Why? Because I'm saving... yet for some reason I have to buy her $20.00 sundaes every evening after work, or take my family out to dinner. Since I've been working all I've bought myself was a mouse. Yes, that's right a mouse.
I checked my balance yesterday and from the $6000 that I worked for I have $4500 and I bought nothing for myself. I may seem selfish but I am really hurt because when I spoke about it she made me feel like a horrible daughter. Is it really so wrong to want to be able to go see someone who has been a part of my life for the past 2 1/2 years which is why I am trying so hard to get my documents which is why I need money in my account?
She even went to far as to say it's after work and I should shut up and buy her dinner because she's tired. Uhm.. I was at work all day as well. I'm tired too, mom. So yeah.. maybe I don't belong in a world like this.. where I feel guilty for even standing up for myself. I am literally in tears as I write this. I can't take it anymore.
Sister being used and abused by family is not unusual, and I do not say thisa for you to get mad or even.
You first hand see selfishness and the look over here excuse shinny, As I(Mom) raised you, you should and quilt rides over through you and you do not as asked as manipulated to. And then because you are in same home where you might not pay bills and might as well, again you get manipulated to do. kind of like being forced to drink the water, you do not wish to drink, by accusing or excusing you by what you do or not do.
Well sister it is what it is and you decide, get out or stay, get your own place or stay in prison, yet in your own place, there is always a prison, yet this would be your own, not someones else's pulling you in, as is what is happening as i see it, from what you are telling me
So trusting God to reveal to you what to do and be free as that is what God came to earth to do for us each to be free and decide if we want to do this or that for another, not be manipulated by quilt to do this or that.
Love you, seeing god's grace to all, and putting a stop to users and abusers without anger, speaking truth as Christ did to the pharisees and religious leaders. Speak truth trusting God to speak for you as in Matt 10:16-20, is for you and all God's children which you are in love to all, from God and be amazed at what you say, for it won't be you saying it, it will be your savior through you
So rest in trusting Father to see you through this mess