Streams of Consciousness & Thoughts~~~

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wwjd_kilden

Guest
hum, not to sure I'd do a good job either, cant we just say it's a club without any president or managers?
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
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Ahhh, 5 am brings about such bizarre thoughts.

I mentioned to a friend last month a bit of a scenario...something like "I bet if so & so said or did this,no one would take issue with it,or if they said this or that people would turn a blind eye,but yet when I do that,it's suddenly the end of the world & I'm a horrible person."

This friend reassured me that simply wasn't the case. That it would be just as shocking,wrong or unacceptable no matter who was doing/saying these things.

I guess I still feel that there are lots of double standards. Many times just as many among Christians,depending on who you talk to or what circle of friends you have.

I know it's my pride. There's nothing scriptural for why it bothers me...other than "sin" is "sin" type of thing,no matter who does it. I catch myself asking God "why?" quite a bit. I compare too much. I really hate this aspect of myself & wish I could just grow up. Not give a hoot what anyone else is or isn't doing in their private life.

It's all pride. I can be very immature at times. It may not always show on the outside,but inside my mind once & a while it's like a terrible daycare center gone wrong.

These are the moments when I feel like I should extract myself from any type of social media,because I'm not strong enough to stay away,and the more I see how certain people behave,the more I want to act like a jerk & lash out. Even if in reality what I'd say to them was the truth or fact,I know my heart wouldn't be to help or encourage it would be to be a (insert favorite curse word here)!


You're definitely not alone on this. It's more so in the world for me, not so much on line.
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
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Some of you know that in the fall I'm having weight loss surgery, if the insurance doesn't decide it's a no go, I should be, anyhow now any one who is reading this knows. Well part of the pre surgery stuff is to get a psychological evaluation. I had one the other day, nice man, I was honest with him. He had questions that I'm sure he asks most people who are there for the evaluation. A lot of good thought provoking questions.

Anyhow he asked me something and I had to think for a minute and said, well with age comes peace. He said, wow, I really like that. So I was kind of happy I made him think about something. :)
 

homwardbound

Senior Member
Oct 24, 2012
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Sister ever watched shallow Hal, when one sees from the inside out there is no junk, God makes no junk
So what if i am overweight and do not fit into this world's schemes of things
Rather Hallelujah to that maybe you think
For we are not of this world we are in it, not part of it.
Like whenever I got the finger from someone, I returned with thank you, and they would look at me funny, and i would I know I am number one, so thank you for reminding me of that, You are welcome to fly me the bird anytime
think they did again? Not
 

homwardbound

Senior Member
Oct 24, 2012
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I'm not going to lie, I get jealous when I see happy families
And I bet that is why this person called Pip a fat liar to put her down you make them look better, than seeing her as better than them, you think?
So when I get put down, i can say thankyou, and why do you view me as better than you? that one perplexed and asks, wh I say that, why else would you put me down to make you look better? We are not better than each other we are the same, we are equal.
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
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The woman that called Pipp that is the disabled person she works with. Pipp has said that she's got the mentality of a 9 year old, she wasn't saying that in a mean way, it's because of her disability that she does. So she lashes out like a child sometimes.
 

homwardbound

Senior Member
Oct 24, 2012
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:(
I tend to get kinda angry when I see happy families...like..."How hard is it to just...just...UGH! That should be me! My kids! My husband! Why couldn't stuff just NOT have been so craptastic?!"
And then I get over it. But still, ouch huh?
Sister whenever you see a supposed happy family or think someone to have it made as better than you. All one has to do is interview the wife, the kids and the Husband to see the same crap goes on in all of us.
so if you think i got it together completely, well I do not, I have issues just like everyone else, I am just learning to not focus on issues anymore and not let them build up in me either.
I can wine until the cows come home and if need to I will in order to vent out hot air, and be back at rest in Father by Son,
Yet I will not burden anyone else with these issues, unless it is appropriate to do so.
I am not above anyone else ever, no matter what God has shown me as truth to be able to live above my circumstances.
Just interview my family, and see I am, no better than anyone else. The same for us all, so we all are on even ground and share what we are learning and maybe have learned, but not for one up man ship, for help to each other in love truth and Mercy from Father through Son
 

homwardbound

Senior Member
Oct 24, 2012
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I'm sorry to you guys about the happy family scenario's. I feel kind of guilty. Just so you know and I'm sure you all do, sometimes things aren't as pretty as they seem.

Sunday for example was not a good day, but we had to all put on smiles for these picnic's we went to. I mean we had a nice time and everything was OK, but it wasn't a great day at home and of course finances are tight right now. So it's not always what it seems on the surface.
Absolutely, truth for all and to all, so lets not be leavened bread and all puffed up, you think, and be unleavened humble before God and all, is my learning I am learning, anyway thank you for the honesty, is the best policy, when honest there are no prior notes to check are there?
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
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Dear Hints from Heloise, I have a tip, when a child spills maple syrup on a sofa, the best way to clean it is to burn the sofa. You're welcome, sincerly, stuck to the sofa in Pennsylvania.
 

homwardbound

Senior Member
Oct 24, 2012
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I don't think my brother understands what "grounded" means, or how much I'm trying to help him. He's very much grounded, but the only exception is if he's with me, which is why going on a double date is okay with my parents. Just this morning we were discussing our plans for today, and he seemed to be looking forward to it. I went about my business doing some chores downstairs, and when I came up an hour later, my brother was gone. Just gone. He took the bike out. He didn't tell anyone where he's going, and since my mom confiscated his phone, I have no way to reach him. Today's his day off so I know he didn't go to work. If my dad finds out about this, our double date might get canceled. UGHHH. This boy. He is not helping.
Sister, love you, and what you are wanting to accomplish, your brother will make choices good and bad ones, and when scolded it quite possibly will be worse in his decisions, as to how he reacts to being loved by his view of how others react to what he is or has done.
Is he dong these bad choices by getting attention from them? In other words, does he feel, think he is loved? He won't tell you so, it is up to you to perceive truth in this or not.
when he is all behaving and such, is he noticed, listened to, heard from? So whenever he tried to say or do something, is everyone else too busy to notice and so him they do care or is it assumed?

Trusting Father to reveal to you what need said and done, for the good of your Brother
I remember taking my 15 year old niece over my knee and spanking her, while she threatened all sorts of things against me.
Well today after clean and sober now, she has said thank you fro that. The spanking was the first time she knew she was and is loved
She said this to my amazement and learned to just trust God all in all.
Brother is searching for something that is missing, and only God knows what that is, praying for you to hear and see, what just love means, with not spoiling the rod and spoiling it at the same time
 

homwardbound

Senior Member
Oct 24, 2012
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Sometimes I think I'm not cut out to live in this ruthless world. I can't be mean to anyone, or even stand up for myself without feeling guilty about it. Boy oh boy, my mother sure knows how to make me feel like a bad person. What's happening is.. I started working in March... and I've been saving all the money so that I can get my visa.. She keeps making me spend unnecessary money on stuff we don't need and always gets really angry when I speak about it.

My sister gave me $600 to buy her an item, I didn't find it so I gave the money to my mom for safe-keeping. She spent it and guess who was the pushover who had to repay my sister? Yes, that's right me. I see stuff all the time that I want to buy for myself, a new phone... an Ipad.. but I don't. Why? Because I'm saving... yet for some reason I have to buy her $20.00 sundaes every evening after work, or take my family out to dinner. Since I've been working all I've bought myself was a mouse. Yes, that's right a mouse.

I checked my balance yesterday and from the $6000 that I worked for I have $4500 and I bought nothing for myself. I may seem selfish but I am really hurt because when I spoke about it she made me feel like a horrible daughter. Is it really so wrong to want to be able to go see someone who has been a part of my life for the past 2 1/2 years which is why I am trying so hard to get my documents which is why I need money in my account?

She even went to far as to say it's after work and I should shut up and buy her dinner because she's tired. Uhm.. I was at work all day as well. I'm tired too, mom. So yeah.. maybe I don't belong in a world like this.. where I feel guilty for even standing up for myself. I am literally in tears as I write this. I can't take it anymore.
Sister being used and abused by family is not unusual, and I do not say thisa for you to get mad or even.
You first hand see selfishness and the look over here excuse shinny, As I(Mom) raised you, you should and quilt rides over through you and you do not as asked as manipulated to. And then because you are in same home where you might not pay bills and might as well, again you get manipulated to do. kind of like being forced to drink the water, you do not wish to drink, by accusing or excusing you by what you do or not do.

Well sister it is what it is and you decide, get out or stay, get your own place or stay in prison, yet in your own place, there is always a prison, yet this would be your own, not someones else's pulling you in, as is what is happening as i see it, from what you are telling me
So trusting God to reveal to you what to do and be free as that is what God came to earth to do for us each to be free and decide if we want to do this or that for another, not be manipulated by quilt to do this or that.
Love you, seeing god's grace to all, and putting a stop to users and abusers without anger, speaking truth as Christ did to the pharisees and religious leaders. Speak truth trusting God to speak for you as in Matt 10:16-20, is for you and all God's children which you are in love to all, from God and be amazed at what you say, for it won't be you saying it, it will be your savior through you
So rest in trusting Father to see you through this mess
 
I

iTOREtheSKY

Guest
@ homewardbound........Have you ever considered writing a book? I think you'd be on the Best Seller list,my friend. :)
 

homwardbound

Senior Member
Oct 24, 2012
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Yes, yes, yes!
That's something I'm grateful for as well, and am learning since being on my own that this "fat" body is not only beautiful, but CAPABLE. It walks. It dances. It jumps and skips (and runs if I insist). It carried two babies and now cuddles those babies and comforts them. It has two hands that create beautiful things and can work hard and express love. I can fix things, build things, burn things, bake things, and carry two kids, a diaper bag, and groceries up 3 flights of stairs all at once under pressure.

I think that's an awesome perspective and I hope it's remembered :)
It is for all our treasures are in heaven, so never mind the bike or the broken down car i have, or the bus I have to take or the walking I have to do, for all treasures are stored in heaven safe and secure from thief's and moths, forever preserved for you, so in faith just keep going. For god promised to supply all our needs, and has has God not to this very day? whether through others or not, God supplies
What i need in the short run here in this life now, or at least what i think I need is not near as well as what you, I and all have in the long run, thanks to God whom I trust in all God's promises,
For do we really know what we are going through, and why, read Job and curse not God as Job may have sinned but really did not for he kept his belief in God and never cursed God did he
So sin is unbelief period, chew on this meat for a little bit,asking god to reveal this to you, if you will or anyone else reading this as well
So can we count it all Joy in troubles, or only when things are seemingly going well?
 

homwardbound

Senior Member
Oct 24, 2012
16,536
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I'm going to need to learn rest and trust in God. I am so anxious right now, my stomach is in knots, thinking about telling my supervisor and coworkers tomorrow about my upcoming move. And then I think about saying goodbye to my parents and the church. And then the move. And then starting a new job. All the what-ifs.

I need to not be anxious about tomorrow, not just tomorrow, but all tomorrows. I need to trust in God that even if all the terrible what-ifs I have imagine come to be, that He will still be enough, and still be with me and for me. My mind cannot wrap around that, my mind wants to have control over all the reactions and things that will happen and how they will happen, but since I am not all-knowing the way that God is, my mind and my heart freak out. He does not.
You are God's child, no matter what Sister, and you know what you are having to do, so let god's perfect love to you overtake any and all fear, being who you are as God made you his child by you believing God
love to you and all you do here in this world is for the glory of God and is to you his glory to you
 

homwardbound

Senior Member
Oct 24, 2012
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493
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It's crazy how quickly I can fall back into the role of a spineless, cowering, emotional punching bag just from having to talk to my ex.

I was trying to be nice and discuss when he can next see the kids. I honestly have no idea if I straight up failed, or if he was already in a bad mood. Either way, part of me now wants to give up and hide away until his words stop echoing in my mind...
I'll never make it on my own.
I can't handle being alone.
What man will ever want someone like me?
I'll come crawling back as soon as I realize nobody else will have me.
I never appreciated how good I had it.
I'm ungrateful and just don't understand anything.
If I'm going to "live off the government", then I should get used to people thinking I'm trash.

*sigh*
There's a part of me that believes those things still.

But...there's a stronger part of me...that knows different.
Just pray once to Father for his blessings to know Father and recant from all the selof loathing he is trying to pass on to you. Sorry this is occurring, yet take it and say thank you, I know I am not well and by this I need God alone and not anyone else, thanking God for the Government here to supply to those that need a helping hand, for this country was set up on biblical values, freedom to make free choices and not be manipulated by others to get me or anyone to do as they please
You are free and you stepped out on to be free and be able to choose freely to be loved by God and not forced to love.
So just love him back, as God loves you and let the love of God and Mercy kill his flesh attitude he has been taught under law, and does not see himself cursed by being under law
praying for us all to see truth over error that keeps us in bondage
 
M

MissCris

Guest
Due to the inability to reply to a pm I received early this morning (obviously he didn't want me to be able to reply, and that's fine but I have some things to say...imagine that), please excuse me a moment while I make a brief foray back into lunacy...

I've heard, too many times in my life, that thing about how people come into our lives for a season, and then we move on, or they do, but for however long we were in each other's lives, there was a reason for it. I've been told that mainly as an attempt to console me when I've had my heart broken...and I've always rolled my eyes at it. Because hello, sappiness alert! But sometimes, it's true. Sometimes God places people in our lives who serve a purpose, although as humans, we may get confused as to what that purpose is supposed to be.

That's what happened to us. We got off track somewhere. We royally screwed things up. We behaved in a selfish, thoughtless way.

And yet God's purpose was still fulfilled. You are in a better place. I am in a better place. In a way, we used each other as stepping stones to climb out of the darkness we were both in at the beginning. I needed to draw on your strength to get out of my abusive marriage- I used you as a way to stifle the fear and the pain. I didn't realize it at the time, but that's exactly what happened. I think- I hope- I was some help to you, as well.

I loved you in the wrong ways and for the wrong reasons, but I did love you to the best of my broken abilities.

Now...I see more clearly. God has lead me- kicking and screaming- to where I am now, beyond the need for the safe haven you provided me, beyond the confused sort of love I felt for you, beyond the pain of a ruined and lost friendship. God is healing me, and He is able to do so because you pushed me out of the nest, so to speak. I can say now, sincerely, that I love you only as a brother in Christ. That's as it should be, and I am at peace with that.

I don't know if you'll see this. I hope you do so you understand that I am neither hurt nor angry. I was- of course I was. I lost my best friend. But even that...I have accepted and moved past.

You were a light in my life when things were pretty bleak- I hope you remember that, that you helped more than hurt, and that the hurt is healed and forgotten.

Now we can both move on, with no regrets and no guilt and nothing to hold us back from bright futures. I honestly wish you the best, and pray that God continues the work in your life you say He's begun.

I have no elegant words to end this with, so...*koala hug*...and...bye, friend :)
 

homwardbound

Senior Member
Oct 24, 2012
16,536
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I didn't think I was a "live chat" person, but with my computer down (it was a 9 yr old hand me down), I find I really miss it.
It may be time to get something new. I'll wait for the repair guy to finish his assessment, then kick myself for not backing up certain files if he tells me it has given up the ghost. Then if I have to buy, I'll try to get a good deal by shopping around and paying cash.
You know you can if can start up the computer go to reset to factory and it will reset, yes you lose all that was not there before, but it is restored and safe to start again and use and put in what you want again and save you lots off money
 

homwardbound

Senior Member
Oct 24, 2012
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493
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Complacency in people drives me insane. "Can't do anything about it, why bother trying?"

Oh, puh-leez!

I just had a conversation with someone I used to be friends with, a single mom. I was asking her what sort of help would have been nice to have right after her divorce. She didn't know. She said "I don't know" to every question I asked. And then I asked if there was anything that she would find helpful Now, and she told me "Not really. I'm fine. I don't know, stuff has been hard but I can't do anything about it so why bother? My bills are paid for and my kids are fed by the state. It's easier this way. What am I supposed to do?"

...I don't know.
SOMETHING.

It's just frustrating when people could greatly improve their quality of life but have no desire to do so.
Sounds as if she is still not healed, just pray for her and trust God knows waht to doi as god waits for us to come to realize God does just love us and is not punishing us, we are and others are