I realized how distant of a person I truly am. I love God and I love people, but don't you dare make me get too close to either of them. It's probably why I'm not all that affectionate. I desire closeness, yet I tremble with fear at the thought of it at the same time. It doesn't help that I've lost one of the people closest to me, yet even I pushed her away, even when she was dying - my mother.
When people ask me how I am, I'm not always honest. I don't dare let anyone get close to me. Which is probably why people don't get too close to me. If I can't share with them, why should they share with me? That's fair enough.
Sure, it's easier to share with people on the internet - they're not IN your actual lives (quite a shame since I've talked to so many amazing people on here). Even then, sometimes I can't bear to tell anyone how badly I've struggled. It's fairly safe to say I've been vulnerable maybe once or twice in my life. If I ever showed my heart I'd probably show too much and I'd probably overwhelm them.
Maybe I should go to counseling, maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should just learn a way to trust God and people. God is infallible, yet I don't trust Him as much because Mom trusted God, yet she died. I know she's restored now. But I need her here. God doesn't need her up there. It's not like He's lonely.
I'll probably regret even thinking about posting this, but you know, right now I just don't care. I just hurt. A lot.