P
I think I will always need to be renewing myself, whether it's taking a course or more education. Change in jobs. I see now that if I no longer have direction in my life, my will to continue weakens and I give up, end up in some destructive behaviour. Betray what is good and healthy for me. I guess I feel that the purpose is gone. When it's no longer a means to an end, it's too easy to stop caring.
I was working so hard for that manager position, but since I have made my decision to go to school, my will to work hard is weakening. And I am making poor choices in my life. I don't really understand where there is a connection, but there must be somewhere, because it's been a destructive pattern most of my life. I end up in a big enough rut that my back is against the wall (all from my own doing) -use to cause me to have suicidal ideation- that I have no choice to drag myself out of it. But it's best that I don't get into the rut to begin with. Prevent it. I think the only way is to constantly find new directions.
I was working so hard for that manager position, but since I have made my decision to go to school, my will to work hard is weakening. And I am making poor choices in my life. I don't really understand where there is a connection, but there must be somewhere, because it's been a destructive pattern most of my life. I end up in a big enough rut that my back is against the wall (all from my own doing) -use to cause me to have suicidal ideation- that I have no choice to drag myself out of it. But it's best that I don't get into the rut to begin with. Prevent it. I think the only way is to constantly find new directions.