Streams of Consciousness & Thoughts~~~

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persNickety

Guest
I think I will always need to be renewing myself, whether it's taking a course or more education. Change in jobs. I see now that if I no longer have direction in my life, my will to continue weakens and I give up, end up in some destructive behaviour. Betray what is good and healthy for me. I guess I feel that the purpose is gone. When it's no longer a means to an end, it's too easy to stop caring.

I was working so hard for that manager position, but since I have made my decision to go to school, my will to work hard is weakening. And I am making poor choices in my life. I don't really understand where there is a connection, but there must be somewhere, because it's been a destructive pattern most of my life. I end up in a big enough rut that my back is against the wall (all from my own doing) -use to cause me to have suicidal ideation- that I have no choice to drag myself out of it. But it's best that I don't get into the rut to begin with. Prevent it. I think the only way is to constantly find new directions.
I would really like to know if anyone relates, has had similar experiences or any input would be most appreciated. I kind of get lost, and to know that I am not the only one that goes through similar stuff gives me some kind of comfort
 

violakat

Senior Member
Apr 23, 2014
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I think we all go through those points where we wander aimlessly in life, or lose our passion. I think for me, taking a break and just really thinking about what I really enjoy the most, what I want for my life, helps me. Also, find something to motivate you again, even if it's just being a role model for a younger sibling, (or in my case, students), or rewarding yourself with that scarf you really like. Motivation can sometimes be the key to get us back in gear. And, before you do anything, (really should have mentioned this first,) pray.
 

rachelsedge

Senior Member
Oct 15, 2012
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I would really like to know if anyone relates, has had similar experiences or any input would be most appreciated. I kind of get lost, and to know that I am not the only one that goes through similar stuff gives me some kind of comfort
I think I can relate maybe on some level.

There is another teller at my job who has been there for 35 years. 35 years!! And I think...How? Why? Doesn't that get boring? I can't picture myself staying at the same job for 35 years, but maybe it's the fear in me not that I'd be at a job for that long, but that it'd be a job that felt like an obligation, a job I didn't enjoy, or a job I felt stuck in. I also sometimes get panicky or flighty when I feel stuck or like something is going nowhere, which is maybe why I'm moving? I don't know if it's God's calling so much as myself, maybe a mixture of both, but yeah. I think I get you.

It's like I long for familiarity but I also don't want the mundane. But, I like the 9-5 type of job because of it's predictable schedule, which sounds mundane...

I confuse myself sometimes.

Hopefully that was somewhat comforting, I ended up talking myself in a circle as well. :cool:
 
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MissCris

Guest
My mission is mostly accomplished...I tried to stay out of serious threads or threads where someone would be torqued about the derailing.


 

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MissCris

Guest
Sometimes my "thinks" roll out in a rhyme
it's annoying, and lame, and takes too much time.
But I'm sitting here thinking these thoughts in my head
and it helps me to type them all out here instead
It's kind of like cleaning, throwing out all the junk
Don't you feel lucky? Well do ya, punk?
I'm sorry I'm strange and sporadic and weird
But really, I'm harmless, so don't be askeered
of the glittery girl with the pink colored hair
that was meant to be purple, but what do I care?
Nobody's looking, much less do they see
the girl in the corner, oh snap, I mean me.
Phones suck for typing and I can't punctuate...
does that mean a comma, or that I run late?
Just kidding y'all, I know what punctuate means.
I can't get the glitter to come off my jeans
and I spend too much time alone in this tower
surrounded by sagebrush, just counting the hours
It's the loneliest thing I've ever lived through,
but the point is I'm living...yay...whoop-de-doo.
The more I come out of the shell I've been in,
I'm sorry to see I have less and less friends.
I complain way too much about things in the past,
It gets old, I know, but this phase won't last.
Someday I'll leave here and go spread my wings
to glitter and shine and do awesome things
...I dunno, I can't see it, don't really believe
that there's some vague, brighter future just waiting for me.
Maybe I'll sparkle, but probably not...
Does it really matter? My soul has been bought
by Jesus Himself so why do I need
to stand out, be special, shine brightly, succeed?
Something inside me refuses to stop
putting forth effort to rise to the top
People will love me or hate me, I guess,
that's no excuse to not give them my best
or to keep on hiding in confusion and fear,
I have to move forward though the path isn't clear.
This craptastic rhyme said it better than best...
I think I can stop now, give the rhyming a rest.
 
U

Ugly

Guest

Someday I'll leave here and go spread my wings
to glitter and shine and do awesome things
...I dunno, I can't see it, don't really believe
that there's some vague, brighter future just waiting for me.
Maybe I'll sparkle, but probably not...
Does it really matter? My soul has been bought
by Jesus Himself so why do I need
to stand out, be special, shine brightly, succeed?
Loved the poem, by the way, but wanted to comment on this part.

No, you don't need to. But you do already. Always have. I've always believed you shined and am convinced you will one day do more than you expect. But even if i'm wrong, and you never do 'great things' by human standards, you are still a light to those around you. One way or another you will impact the world around you strongly. Not because you need to, but because that's who you are.
 
B

BugeyeSTi

Guest
My oldest brother is now married...odd. I think I might have to start paying attention to girls again. Beware ladies!!! :p
 

homwardbound

Senior Member
Oct 24, 2012
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I have a whole list of endless possibilities! Or would it be an endless list of possibilities? Now I don't even know why I started this post in the first place.

...chocolate? Is that a solution?
Maybe on the endless list, end this list with never the less your will not mine, for I beleive you Father know what is best to where I can rest in adversity while I wait for the best, that you already have given and the be life everlasting
Maybe? At least this what I see, how incredible, Jesus Faith was, when he said please take this cup of wrath away, but never the less your will not mine. Was a hard thing to learn and still is from time to time as we grow in Faith praying for God to give us more and more daily
 

homwardbound

Senior Member
Oct 24, 2012
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There are things that demand extra efforts. Nothing is really deserved or granted!
I think and see it is all granted, just none of it deserved even if I ever think it is. there is too much guilt and or pride and arrogance, like up and down on a roller coaster, One day guilt overwhelms and we ask to be forgiven when we are already by Christ are forgiven back at the cross
And then when we accomplish we get prideful, and feel good, and act without even knowing it as if we are better than others
I am not righteous in and of me ever before Saved by Faith in God's finished work for me and all persons here in this world here today, Or after saved. Salvation is a gift not earned ever, A gift

For us to appreciate, and respond to a forever living God - friend, that does just love us all. That is what changed me from to, was and is God's amazing ;love through Son to us all, that not one of us deserve
So me I now as have learned and does not always mean I will do this. but I an learned and learning to just respond and stop trying to initiate anything, for future rewards
 

homwardbound

Senior Member
Oct 24, 2012
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I'm not the sort of person to chase after miracles but frankly, I wouldn't mind one about now. I've been struggling to get much work the past half year (I'm a male primary teacher - relief teacher, currently). I hear about people surrendering to God. I hear about people experiencing miracles. I've been a Christian as long as I can remember, and I wouldn't want to live without Christ. But I want to dive deeper with Him, I just don't know how. Just once, I'd love to feel the Holy Spirit.
Dig into how deep is God's love for you maybe, this is how I came to know and God confirmed it, as I would not back off from believing god period even in troubles that do come to us all here on this earth
[h=1]Ephesians 3:16-18Authorized (King James) Version (AKJV)[/h] [SUP]16 [/SUP]that he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man; [SUP]17 [/SUP]that Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love, [SUP]18 [/SUP]may be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height;




1 John 4:19
We love him, because he first loved us.

[h=1]Romans 8:16Authorized (King James) Version (AKJV)[/h] [SUP]16 [/SUP]The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God:

Look deep with in you Brother, you will see and know, God will show you
 

homwardbound

Senior Member
Oct 24, 2012
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I would love to feel the Holy Spirit just once also. I believe that for some, the deeper they dive into Jesus the more distant He seems to become. My wife is dead and is now with Jesus and she is now more alive than I can ever hope to become in my lifetime. I guess that I dived off the deep end the night that she died.
Oh Sir and I want to say it is not a feeling it is a truth as the result of believing that won't stop
feelings are not the leader, they are the result of truth in the lead, God is truth
 

homwardbound

Senior Member
Oct 24, 2012
16,447
452
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Radio station A plays music that drives me up the wall, so I'm going to keep tuning into radio station A.

I just don't understand some thought processes.

I really, really, really, don't.
Amen, but God does know all, understand all and can talk to all through us if we are willing to trust God to speak through us, as in Matt 10:16-20. Yet not all are willing to be God vocal voice and not all are willing to hear either no matter what way it is sliced, diced or cubed
And we as fickle Humans just do not always do as asked by God to do. So maybe it is best to seek God's voice and know first, just maybe and not be proud and or boastful or judgmental
Yet if we are we do as God's children get buffeted as Paul brought up in 2 Cor 12. Where his grace is sufficient for him and all that beleive God
So I personally see to put behind me, what is behind me and move forward to the future and not claim top be perfect of self ever. Hard many times to discern truth over error, and there is only one that knows truth over error and that be God only, thank you Jesus and so I trust for God to straighten out God's children since God said God will in Romans 14, and to me is much deeper that just food Chapter as many only say that, when that was not the depth of the writing, It was what the problem was at that time of the writing, and goes much deeper to me anyway
 

homwardbound

Senior Member
Oct 24, 2012
16,447
452
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I've been sitting here thinking and thinking and thinking, and stewing about stuff and thinking some more, and I've come to the conclusion that something is really bothering me. I can't pin-point it, though. And so I'm about to ramble on and on until I make a clear space in my brain...hang on to your hats. Or grab a snack. Or skip this post entirely. This might take a while.

I got into an epically awkward conversation with my mother and my aunt (who is fabulosity itself and I haven't seen her in two years so that was fun) about women, more specifically young women, even more specifically young divorced women. They have both been where I am now- which is...where? I've had to take a minute to work that out...

I left my husband over the abuse issue. I haven't loved him in a very long time. We have been separated for...almost six months, and are waiting on divorce junk and finalization and all that fun stuff. I was briefly "in love" with someone, but was thoroughly cured of it fairly quickly. I now find myself realizing that I'm attracted to a couple of people.

I explained this to my mom and aunt, and they did that whole obnoxious knowing-look thing with the requisite accompanying sympathetic smile. Really grated on my nerves. But then I remembered, oh hey! They've both been in this position before, I'll ask them how they handled it.

My mom handled things by avoiding men at all costs for...a couple of months. My aunt, well, she eloped. Three different times (she's been married to her high school boyfriend for around 15 years now though, after tracking him down and stalking him online for a while. She always said he was the one who got away and if she ever found him again she was locking him up and throwing away the key...boy, she wasn't kidding...but they're awfully happy together).

That really wasn't much help. Not that I even really know what I was hoping they would say, but still...I dunno.

I don't need to hear how horribly sinful I am for still technically being married and being attracted to anyone else. I've kicked my own butt for that plenty. I'm glad neither my mom or my aunt went there with any of their advice.

They did, however, want to know details about the two guys, which resulted in me blushing furiously, mumbling a lot, and then being picked on over "internet romance". At which point, I said Get out, they laughed, I laughed, an awkward time was had by all...

The thing that's bothering me, I think...I have not, in the past, shown a whole lot of good judgment when it comes to...anything. Pair that up with a complete lack of self-discipline, and TA-DA! You get the train wreck that is my life.

Fun stuff.

I've been trying to see myself and my situation as others do...and I've not come up with anything particularly pleasant. What kind of person must I be to be where I'm at and yet still be dumb enough to let myself feel anything at all for anyone? I feel like I should be able to shut off certain emotions. Like it's a bad thing that I haven't.

I'm tired of feeling guilty for feeling, maybe.

Ugh! And...grrr! And...other frustrated, disgusted sounds! Yeah!

Possibly the the answers I'm looking for will be found at the bottom of a bowl of chocolate ice cream.
Maybe, might want to learn the definition of passion verses compassion. There is a big difference in the two definitions
Learned this from the Dolly-Lama, I see it as a well thought out definition to separate truth from error

"I would like to explain the meaning of compassion which is often misunderstood:

Genuine compassion is based not on our own projections and expectations, but rather on the rights of the other: irrespective of whether another person is a close friend or an enemy, as long as that person wishes for peace and happiness and wishes to overcome suffering, then on that basis we develop a genuine concern for his or her problems. This is genuine compassion.

 

homwardbound

Senior Member
Oct 24, 2012
16,447
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Well if I ever figure out how to completely turn off my emotions I'll let you know. In the meantime I will volunteer to be you backup common sense. And I'll also tell you that still being married and being attracted to other people isn't even that unusual for those who aren't separated. Don't act on it, but you already know that would not be wise. You will get through.

Besides if you manage to shut off all your emotions we'll miss you because you won't be you anymore.
Yep, emotions can never be shut off that is a fact, and can't ever be controlled by trying to not think about them, all they do is get worse. Emotions are simply a part of us all
So since no one can change their feelings as we all are taught to do, and we all know we can't and hide that from public as best we can, frustrated over it as we all are.

what can change these feelings, these emotions we don't want? And trying to not have them sure doesn't work does it? Maybe sometimes, but for how long, a day, a week, a month, a year and how if we do this for a day, a week a month or a year, make us feel when we see we have accomplished or so we all of a sudden think we have, what happens?

So maybe, look at this, are feelings (emotions) a by-product from whatever we think about, that we can't seem to stop the thought of.
What if your focus (thoughts) changed, would our feelings predictably change with the new thought(s) that are now what we are thinking of?
So we beleive, what next?

[h=1]Romans 12:2Authorized (King James) Version (AKJV)[/h] [SUP]2 [/SUP]And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.


so would that above scripture be from Father's viewpoint through Son, to think and see from God's view not this worlds

Amazing to get our mind renewed and see what God did while none of us ever deserved what God has done for us. Whether we think we are good or not. truth none are, yet God poured out God's Mercy through Son to all, time to maybe just be thankful and each day trust, and do the best we can
Micah 6:8
He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the Lord require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?

I see if I, or anyone loses the humbleness in God's Mercy, maybe their self is in the way? and being a doer through trust has fled away
 

homwardbound

Senior Member
Oct 24, 2012
16,447
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It's kind of hard, being through what I've been through and trying to get it out of my head that all guys are the same.
I know my fiancé is nothing like my ex-husband, but there's still a little bit of degradation that comes from my previous marriage. I can't get past it because ever since then, I've felt like garbage, something people just throw away or don't value very much. It hurts me to see that I'm undermining myself, and that through that, I'm hurting my fiancé by subconsciously telling myself I've always been garbage and he's not going to accept me either. He's already accepted me, but part of me doesn't believe him.
I know that God accepts me just the way I am. He's never not accepted me, but God is also my father in heaven, what good parent doesn't accept their children? God is flawless and knows me, he loves me, and I know that. But I'm while God will be the 3rd party to my marriage, and while I'm marrying the man I've always dreamed of... I know he has flaws, and I know I have flaws. I'm scared that my fiancé won't like me in some way, or that he'll take me for granted and throw me away someday. That's the way it's always been for me, even when I was little, people who should have loved and cared for me have thrown me away, or badly mistreated me.
I know that people are flawed. I know that some people's definition of love is flawed. I don't know what it feels like to be completely accepted. I don't know what it's like to be loved in every way, no matter what — not from a person anyway.
I know that my fiancé loves me, I'm just scared that I don't know how to accept it because I've never felt it before. I don't know how not to be scared that he might hurt me like I've been hurt before.
I sincerely hope I can protect my children from this kind of fear and uncertainty. I want my children to know what love is and that they can accept it. That people won't hurt them, and to avoid those who will. I want my children to be happy and to live better lives than I have.
I pray you will be honest with him and tell him what you are saying here. My wife told me all up front and I accepted her as she accepted me for i told her also.
And whenever we got in bouts, one would say to the other I told you, and the other would say accepted, feel better now?
 

homwardbound

Senior Member
Oct 24, 2012
16,447
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Well, the people are welcome to stay...

but their fonts are not welcome here.
Do you mean force that is obvious as to say the way I see it only
now if I have done this, I apologize for I know everyone is different and unique in their own and we all can do bad all by ourselves. So I pray to not be seen as ever condemning to anyone as that has happened, and not by me ever wanting it to.
Just so all know for i have seen much wisdom from many of you here, which has helped me in my walk, and prayerfully I have done the same back
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
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My Brother's Llama had a baby the other day, I thought he should name it Barack O'llama, he opted for Twiggy instead.