Tell me your opinion...

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CharliRenee

Member
Staff member
Nov 4, 2014
6,211
6,785
113
#1
I'm asking here, because of something that I see is a potential concerning getting back out there. I am not young person. Also, I'm not trying to get me a man. Right now, I'm building friendships. If I ever get to have another romantic relationship, it will need to build naturally. I guess I mean that my mindset isn't set on that agenda. I'm ok with whatever as long as I have my Lord.

I don't know if this is realistic for a fella, but maybe you other men and women can clue me in. Balance is everything right? When you are getting know someone, you take time, developing a friendship. He should be interested in you and your your story, right? Of course, you should equally want to know his, right? How we communicate, and the way we act and react matters.

Trust has not been established, so you take your time, right?

Hopefully, in time, you both find out more. It is so important to see if you fit. Both should see if conversation goes smoothly and continues to grow; I think first you find out if you make great friends. Does He laugh and share, is he jaded... does he listen and care? Does the best of you show up when he is around? Do you enjoy your encounters. Shouldn't both parties want to know the different things that make you tick... are not these the things that really make a friendship grow, make it stick?

I think if someone wants to know you, really know you, they want to see how you interact with others. See what you are like and the same should me true for both sides. I know the investment starts in the beginning. You have to make time, see how much inspiration you give the other. You want to explore who the other person is, how they think and operate, right? I mean help me understand how you men and other women think?

I just think that besides being equally yoked, a healthy friendship bond should be established. Anything else should be secondary at first. The investment is something that has to grow. The friendship first, it has to make sense.

Am I alone in this kind of thinking?
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
3,975
2,019
113
#2
I'm asking here, because of something that I see is a potential concerning getting back out there. I am not young person. Also, I'm not trying to get me a man. Right now, I'm building friendships. If I ever get to have another romantic relationship, it will need to build naturally. I guess I mean that my mindset isn't set on that agenda. I'm ok with whatever as long as I have my Lord.

I don't know if this is realistic for a fella, but maybe you other men and women can clue me in. Balance is everything right? When you are getting know someone, you take time, developing a friendship. He should be interested in you and your your story, right? Of course, you should equally want to know his, right? How we communicate, and the way we act and react matters.

Trust has not been established, so you take your time, right?

Hopefully, in time, you both find out more. It is so important to see if you fit. Both should see if conversation goes smoothly and continues to grow; I think first you find out if you make great friends. Does He laugh and share, is he jaded... does he listen and care? Does the best of you show up when he is around? Do you enjoy your encounters. Shouldn't both parties want to know the different things that make you tick... are not these the things that really make a friendship grow, make it stick?

I think if someone wants to know you, really know you, they want to see how you interact with others. See what you are like and the same should me true for both sides. I know the investment starts in the beginning. You have to make time, see how much inspiration you give the other. You want to explore who the other person is, how they think and operate, right? I mean help me understand how you men and other women think?

I just think that besides being equally yoked, a healthy friendship bond should be established. Anything else should be secondary at first. The investment is something that has to grow. The friendship first, it has to make sense.

Am I alone in this kind of thinking?
I completely agree that a healthy lasting relationship takes time to build at any age. But in this day and age when we tend to make dating it's own separate activity and relationship that's primarily defined by the desire for long term sex, it's hard for many to conceive of a dating relationship that isn't very quickly turning sexual. The other problem we run into is that too many people end up getting stuck in friendship land and when those feelings for more have developed they don't know how to make the transition. Personally, I wonder just how many of the emotional and mental problems and issues we see in modern society stem from a completely disordered view of love and sex, and the damage and disservice we do to one another in acting according to that view.
 

Daz

New member
Oct 28, 2018
15
4
3
East yorkshire
#3
I think it depends on personality type introverts are more likely to opt for hoping for something to develop naturally - extroverts more likely to state they are wanting a relationship - both have positives and negatives - It's not about being right or wrong
 

CharliRenee

Member
Staff member
Nov 4, 2014
6,211
6,785
113
#4
I completely agree that a healthy lasting relationship takes time to build at any age. But in this day and age when we tend to make dating it's own separate activity and relationship that's primarily defined by the desire for long term sex, it's hard for many to conceive of a dating relationship that isn't very quickly turning sexual. The other problem we run into is that too many people end up getting stuck in friendship land and when those feelings for more have developed they don't know how to make the transition. Personally, I wonder just how many of the emotional and mental problems and issues we see in modern society stem from a completely disordered view of love and sex, and the damage and disservice we do to one another in acting according to that view.
Me too, I wonder. Thank you, you made a lot of sense.
 

CharliRenee

Member
Staff member
Nov 4, 2014
6,211
6,785
113
#5
I think it depends on personality type introverts are more likely to opt for hoping for something to develop naturally - extroverts more likely to state they are wanting a relationship - both have positives and negatives - It's not about being right or wrong
Good point, neither right or wrong.
 

melita916

Senior Member
Aug 12, 2011
10,194
2,385
113
#6
i say friends first is a good thing, but i can understand people being nervous about it because of the danger of the friend-zone. i felt like i was always friend-zoned.

my husband and i were friends for 7 months before we became a couple. i liked him a couple of months into the friendship, but i kept telling myself to stay level headed just in case feelings weren't mutual. lol
 

CharliRenee

Member
Staff member
Nov 4, 2014
6,211
6,785
113
#7
i say friends first is a good thing, but i can understand people being nervous about it because of the danger of the friend-zone. i felt like i was always friend-zoned.

my husband and i were friends for 7 months before we became a couple. i liked him a couple of months into the friendship, but i kept telling myself to stay level headed just in case feelings weren't mutual. lol
It is so nice to see you are living happily ever after.
 

Solemateleft

Honor, Courage, Commitment
Jun 25, 2017
4,363
2,539
113
#8
Balance is everything right? YES. While everyone is different, for purposes of scoping my responses, I will refrain from including the large portion of our society who simply do not hold the same morals and beliefs. Rather, my responses are generalizations for the portion of society that I hope are genuinely like-minded as it pertains to balanced mindset and beliefs.

When you are getting to know someone, you take time, developing a friendship. He should be interested in you and your story, right? YES, we should all hope so… Albeit, many of us have assumed ourselves to be fairly good at assessing the moral character of individuals being genuine or not… Hindsight being 20/20, I suspect that many of us have learned some valuable lessons of the past…

Of course, you should equally want to know his, right? Of course, we would hope so, everyone wants to be accepted for who they are…

How we communicate, and the way we act and react matters. Absolutely, we learn so much about each other for how we communicate, our decisions, behaviors and actions.

Trust has not been established, so you take your time, right? Ideally – yes. However, this is where our human nature begins to muck things up… As they say, love is blind. Many people seemingly fall in love with the idea of falling in love, and with everyone often being on their best behavior initially – it would appear that we humans are susceptible to the deceivers… Unfortunately, there are master deceivers out there, and many people have to learn this valuable lessons first hand. Some are more likely to heed their lesson more than other (many will continue to repeat the cycle). Those who have learned these lessons with an appreciation of HIS hand, are now more likely to take this ‘Trust’ factor more seriously and take their time; or potentially take on Trust issues for a long while…

Hopefully, in time, you both find out more. It is so important to see if you fit. … does he listen and care? Does the best of you show up when he is around? Do you enjoy your encounters? Shouldn't both parties want to know the different things that make you tick... are not these the things that really make a friendship grow, make it stick? YES!

I think if someone wants to know you, really know you, they want to see how you interact with others. See what you are like and the same should be true for both sides. I know the investment starts in the beginning. You have to make time, see how much inspiration you give the other. You want to explore who the other person is, how they think and operate, right? Absolutely!

I just think that besides being equally yoked, a healthy friendship bond should be established. Anything else should be secondary at first. The investment is something that has to grow. The friendship first, it has to make sense.

Am I alone in this kind of thinking? Not necessarily, it is the safest most logical option that would seemingly mitigate the uncertain risk associated with heart-break and disappointment.

I mean help me understand how you men and other women think? Unfortunately, our human nature is seemingly wired with Romantic-Chemistry; which tends to contribute to the uncertainty factors and our faulty decision making abilities.

I suspect our brains are wired with chemical bonds of attraction that are responsible for our inherent feelings that determine if we feel a special connection with someone. I suspect that this romantic-chemistry is responsible for giving us the ‘feeling’ that we have to see this other person again. I suspect it is this romantic-chemistry that is responsible for ‘the spark’ that enables us to bond and build stronger emotional and psychological connections with each other.

So, to confuse our Human dilemma even more – I suspect that there are many out there that believe that romantic-intimacy can serve as a means to elicit their feelings in a passionate and giving manner as a means to demonstrate their trust and love; with the wishful aspiration of receiving the same in return… Unfortunately, this inherent human nature attraction and reaction is how many find themselves in this viscous cycle of learning and relearning the same life lessons…

Interestingly, your line of inquiries are consistent with Human-Chemistry Researchers who say a combination of factors are needed, including physical attraction, similarity, non-judgement, feeling understood, mutual trust, communication, and mystery.

https://www.ambiancematchmaking.com/blog/chemistry-the-unexplainable-factor
 

CharliRenee

Member
Staff member
Nov 4, 2014
6,211
6,785
113
#9
Balance is everything right? YES. While everyone is different, for purposes of scoping my responses, I will refrain from including the large portion of our society who simply do not hold the same morals and beliefs. Rather, my responses are generalizations for the portion of society that I hope are genuinely like-minded as it pertains to balanced mindset and beliefs.

When you are getting to know someone, you take time, developing a friendship. He should be interested in you and your story, right? YES, we should all hope so… Albeit, many of us have assumed ourselves to be fairly good at assessing the moral character of individuals being genuine or not… Hindsight being 20/20, I suspect that many of us have learned some valuable lessons of the past…

Of course, you should equally want to know his, right? Of course, we would hope so, everyone wants to be accepted for who they are…

How we communicate, and the way we actd react matters. Absolutely, we learn so much about each other for how we communicate, our decisions, behaviors and actions.

Trust has not been established, so you take your time, right? Ideally – yes. However, this is where our human nature begins to muck things up… As they say, love is blind. Many people seemingly fall in love with the idea of falling in love, and with everyone often being on their best behavior initially – it would appear that we humans are susceptible to the deceivers… Unfortunately, there are master deceivers out there, and many people have to learn this valuable lessons first hand. Some are more likely to heed their lesson more than other (many will continue to repeat the cycle). Those who have learned these lessons with an appreciation of HIS hand, are now more likely to take this ‘Trust’ factor more seriously and take their time; or potentially take on Trust issues for a long while…

Hopefully, in time, you both find out more. It is so important to see if you fit. … does he listen and care? Does the best of you show up when he is around? Do you enjoy your encounters? Shouldn't both parties want to know the different things that make you tick... are not these the things that really make a friendship grow, make it stick? YES!

I think if someone wants to know you, really know you, they want to see how you interact with others. See what you are like and the same should be true for both sides. I know the investment starts in the beginning. You have to make time, see how much inspiration you give the other. You want to explore who the other person is, how they think and operate, right? Absolutely!

I just think that besides being equally yoked, a healthy friendship bond should be established. Anything else should be secondary at first. The investment is something that has to grow. The friendship first, it has to make sense.

Am I alone in this kind of thinking? Not necessarily, it is the safest most logical option that would seemingly mitigate the uncertain risk associated with heart-break and disappointment.

I mean help me understand how you men and other women think? Unfortunately, our human nature is seemingly wired with Romantic-Chemistry; which tends to contribute to the uncertainty factors and our faulty decision making abilities.

I suspect our brains are wired with chemical bonds of attraction that are responsible for our inherent feelings that determine if we feel a special connection with someone. I suspect that this romantic-chemistry is responsible for giving us the ‘feeling’ that we have to see this other person again. I suspect it is this romantic-chemistry that is responsible for ‘the spark’ that enables us to bond and build stronger emotional and psychological connections with each other.

So, to confuse our Human dilemma even more – I suspect that there are many out there that believe that romantic-intimacy can serve as a means to elicit their feelings in a passionate and giving manner as a means to demonstrate their trust and love; with the wishful aspiration of receiving the same in return… Unfortunately, this inherent human nature attraction and reaction is how many find themselves in this viscous cycle of learning and relearning the same life lessons…

Interestingly, your line of inquiries are consistent with Human-Chemistry Researchers who say a combination of factors are needed, including physical attraction, similarity, non-judgement, feeling understood, mutual trust, communication, and mystery.

https://www.ambiancematchmaking.com/blog/chemistry-the-unexplainable-factor
The time you give to my thoughts pondered, leaves me honored and honestly taken by surprise. Thank you so much for your thoughts and time.


Not necessarily, it is the safest most logical option that would seemingly mitigate the uncertain risk associated with heart-break and disappointment.

Ok whoa, wow, and holy epiphanies. Yes, if all my poor choices and outcomes have taught me anything, it is the value of using more logic rather than just emotion when it comes to choices and direction I take. Yes, a more solid, less volatile equation. Well put.

But as you said the nature of romantic intimacy dwells more in the feelings rather than the logical pragmatics.

So I suppose we have come full circle and the answer lies somewhere in the middle...balance of everything, lol, we have to offer, with Christ at the center.

I'm off to read that article but thanks again for allowing me into your thoughts pondered. Thank you for your insight on this matter I was pondering. You are a blessing.
 

Solemateleft

Honor, Courage, Commitment
Jun 25, 2017
4,363
2,539
113
#10
The time you give to my thoughts pondered, leaves me honored and honestly taken by surprise. Thank you so much for your thoughts and time.


Not necessarily, it is the safest most logical option that would seemingly mitigate the uncertain risk associated with heart-break and disappointment.

Ok whoa, wow, and holy epiphanies. Yes, if all my poor choices and outcomes have taught me anything, it is the value of using more logic rather than just emotion when it comes to choices and direction I take. Yes, a more solid, less volatile equation. Well put.

But as you said the nature of romantic intimacy dwells more in the feelings rather than the logical pragmatics.

So I suppose we have come full circle and the answer lies somewhere in the middle...balance of everything, lol, we have to offer, with Christ at the center.

I'm off to read that article but thanks again for allowing me into your thoughts pondered. Thank you for your insight on this matter I was pondering. You are a blessing.
Here is a snippet from a related article that cuts to the chase for addressing the given conundrum:

Compatibility and Chemistry: Why You Can't Have One Without the Other


WHY YOU CAN'T HAVE ONE WITHOUT THE OTHER
Having chemistry without compatibility will make for a strenuous relationship full of conflict, and having compatibility without chemistry will leave you craving more. One cannot be present without the other for a relationship to flourish in the long-term. Furthermore, chemistry without compatibility can be a ticking time bomb. These relationships begin rapidly and passionately, and all of a sudden, you find yourself too far in when you realize it's an unhealthy situation. Don't fall victim to this – allow your head to catch up to your heart. Allow your heart and your head to guide you in your relationship.

You may experience compatibility first, as with a relationship that started as friends, or chemistry may have been the initiator with a spark that was felt the first time you laid eyes on each other. How the relationship begins is less important than the feelings that develop over time.

https://www.ambiancematchmaking.com/blog/2014/11/18/compatibility-and-chemistry?rq=compatibility
 

CharliRenee

Member
Staff member
Nov 4, 2014
6,211
6,785
113
#11
Here is a snippet from a related article that cuts to the chase for addressing the given conundrum:

Compatibility and Chemistry: Why You Can't Have One Without the Other


WHY YOU CAN'T HAVE ONE WITHOUT THE OTHER
Having chemistry without compatibility will make for a strenuous relationship full of conflict, and having compatibility without chemistry will leave you craving more. One cannot be present without the other for a relationship to flourish in the long-term. Furthermore, chemistry without compatibility can be a ticking time bomb. These relationships begin rapidly and passionately, and all of a sudden, you find yourself too far in when you realize it's an unhealthy situation. Don't fall victim to this – allow your head to catch up to your heart. Allow your heart and your head to guide you in your relationship.

You may experience compatibility first, as with a relationship that started as friends, or chemistry may have been the initiator with a spark that was felt the first time you laid eyes on each other. How the relationship begins is less important than the feelings that develop over time.

https://www.ambiancematchmaking.com/blog/2014/11/18/compatibility-and-chemistry?rq=compatibility
When I wrote this, OP, I thought I had my ideas figured out. I'm glad i asked because my mind and ideas have expanded a bit, allowing an expanded possible horizons and potentials.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
18,521
5,057
113
#12
DISCLAIMER: The following is from a single guy who has never been married. I could be totally wrong. The following is based on what I have observed from the people around me.

From what I have seen there seem to be two ways to meet a person you will eventually marry, and one seems doomed to fail while the other more often than not succeeds.

The first way is to decide "I need to find a spouse" and go looking for one. This involves deliberately going to places where one might meet a potential date, intentionally starting conversations and generally trying to make something happen between oneself and others. This is the way that seems to always end in breakups, or if they last long enough to marry, divorces.

The second way is to live life with a sublime disregard for relationship status until one happens to meet somebody, they happen to strike up a conversation and hit it off, find out each other is really cool and eventually wind up getting married. This is the way that seems to work out a lot and result in many elderly married couples.

The difference appears to be all in the intent.

When a person sets out to find a spouse, the person is trying to fill a need. One will search through many prospective candidates with the primary focus of "how well does this person fit what I need?" This seems a very shaky ground on which to build a relationship because one will constantly be evaluating the relationship based on "am I giving more than I am getting?" "is my partner pulling less weight in this deal than I am?" and usually "can I get away with asking more of my partner without my partner leaving me?" The relationship is all about what one can get out of it. This seems to invariably lead to resentment as each partner starts accusing the other of not filling one's needs and taking more than giving.

When a person meets a spouse by chance the relationship seems to have a very different focus. Both partners meet, start talking and find out, "hey this is a really cool person!" so they keep talking. Eventually they figure out "man, this person is so cool I would like to ask the person to marry me!" The relationship is not about what each can get from the other, but about being with/near/around the other because "I just think this person is great!" When conflicts of needs come up they don't have a problem with it... oh they might have to discuss it and work something out between themselves, but each trusts the other and each wants to help the other because each thinks the other person is such a great person. They don't give to each other in order to get something from each other, they give to each other because "This is a great person that i want to do this thing for, because I know it will make this person happy."

SHORT VERSION: If you try to find a relationship because you want to not be lonely, it will fail because you are trying to start a relationship based on "I need this and I want that." If you start a romantic relationship with somebody you are already friends with because you think that person is just so great that you want to spend more time together, it will probably succeed because it is based on love instead of need.

Of course, like I said, I could be wrong. But I've watched a lot of people meet, date and marry, and I've heard a lot of people talking about their love life. The preceding seems to be the only consistent thread in the whole mess.
 

CharliRenee

Member
Staff member
Nov 4, 2014
6,211
6,785
113
#13
DISCLAIMER: The following is from a single guy who has never been married. I could be totally wrong. The following is based on what I have observed from the people around me.

From what I have seen there seem to be two ways to meet a person you will eventually marry, and one seems doomed to fail while the other more often than not succeeds.

The first way is to decide "I need to find a spouse" and go looking for one. This involves deliberately going to places where one might meet a potential date, intentionally starting conversations and generally trying to make something happen between oneself and others. This is the way that seems to always end in breakups, or if they last long enough to marry, divorces.

The second way is to live life with a sublime disregard for relationship status until one happens to meet somebody, they happen to strike up a conversation and hit it off, find out each other is really cool and eventually wind up getting married. This is the way that seems to work out a lot and result in many elderly married couples.

The difference appears to be all in the intent.

When a person sets out to find a spouse, the person is trying to fill a need. One will search through many prospective candidates with the primary focus of "how well does this person fit what I need?" This seems a very shaky ground on which to build a relationship because one will constantly be evaluating the relationship based on "am I giving more than I am getting?" "is my partner pulling less weight in this deal than I am?" and usually "can I get away with asking more of my partner without my partner leaving me?" The relationship is all about what one can get out of it. This seems to invariably lead to resentment as each partner starts accusing the other of not filling one's needs and taking more than giving.

When a person meets a spouse by chance the relationship seems to have a very different focus. Both partners meet, start talking and find out, "hey this is a really cool person!" so they keep talking. Eventually they figure out "man, this person is so cool I would like to ask the person to marry me!" The relationship is not about what each can get from the other, but about being with/near/around the other because "I just think this person is great!" When conflicts of needs come up they don't have a problem with it... oh they might have to discuss it and work something out between themselves, but each trusts the other and each wants to help the other because each thinks the other person is such a great person. They don't give to each other in order to get something from each other, they give to each other because "This is a great person that i want to do this thing for, because I know it will make this person happy."

SHORT VERSION: If you try to find a relationship because you want to not be lonely, it will fail because you are trying to start a relationship based on "I need this and I want that." If you start a romantic relationship with somebody you are already friends with because you think that person is just so great that you want to spend more time together, it will probably succeed because it is based on love instead of need.



Of course, like I said, I could be wrong. But I've watched a lot of people meet, date and marry, and I've heard a lot of people talking about their love life. The preceding seems to be the only consistent thread in the whole mess.
The entire time I was reading, I was nodding, thinking about His calling us not to want, let Him completely lead our lives. Thanks lynx I especially agree with your point...

"how well does this person fit what I need?" This seems a very shaky ground on which to build a relationship because one will constantly be evaluating the relationship based on "am I giving more than I am getting?"

I think we need to remember that the best, most optimal relationship, should never be about what's in it for me. If we are not prepared for sacrifice and also the other, I think it can be counter productive. After all though there are pluses received, it is also about living ones life beyond self.
 

Deade

Called of God
Dec 17, 2017
16,723
10,516
113
75
Vinita, Oklahoma, USA
yeshuaofisrael.org
#14
So, to confuse our Human dilemma even more – I suspect that there are many out there that believe that romantic-intimacy can serve as a means to elicit their feelings in a passionate and giving manner as a means to demonstrate their trust and love; with the wishful aspiration of receiving the same in return… Unfortunately, this inherent human nature attraction and reaction is how many find themselves in this viscous cycle of learning and relearning the same life lessons…
We got married in a fever;

hotter than a pepper sprout;

We've been talkin' bout Jackson.

e-ever since the fire went out.

Hey, I'm going to Jackson,

Gonna mess around,

I'm gonna snowball Jackson,

Lookout Jackson town.

So long Johnny Cash. belly-laugh.gif
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
18,521
5,057
113
#15
DISCLAIMER: The following is from a single guy who has never been married. I could be totally wrong. The following is based on what I have observed from the people around me.

From what I have seen there seem to be two ways to meet a person you will eventually marry, and one seems doomed to fail while the other more often than not succeeds.

The first way is to decide "I need to find a spouse" and go looking for one. This involves deliberately going to places where one might meet a potential date, intentionally starting conversations and generally trying to make something happen between oneself and others. This is the way that seems to always end in breakups, or if they last long enough to marry, divorces.

The second way is to live life with a sublime disregard for relationship status until one happens to meet somebody, they happen to strike up a conversation and hit it off, find out each other is really cool and eventually wind up getting married. This is the way that seems to work out a lot and result in many elderly married couples.

The difference appears to be all in the intent.

When a person sets out to find a spouse, the person is trying to fill a need. One will search through many prospective candidates with the primary focus of "how well does this person fit what I need?" This seems a very shaky ground on which to build a relationship because one will constantly be evaluating the relationship based on "am I giving more than I am getting?" "is my partner pulling less weight in this deal than I am?" and usually "can I get away with asking more of my partner without my partner leaving me?" The relationship is all about what one can get out of it. This seems to invariably lead to resentment as each partner starts accusing the other of not filling one's needs and taking more than giving.

When a person meets a spouse by chance the relationship seems to have a very different focus. Both partners meet, start talking and find out, "hey this is a really cool person!" so they keep talking. Eventually they figure out "man, this person is so cool I would like to ask the person to marry me!" The relationship is not about what each can get from the other, but about being with/near/around the other because "I just think this person is great!" When conflicts of needs come up they don't have a problem with it... oh they might have to discuss it and work something out between themselves, but each trusts the other and each wants to help the other because each thinks the other person is such a great person. They don't give to each other in order to get something from each other, they give to each other because "This is a great person that i want to do this thing for, because I know it will make this person happy."

SHORT VERSION: If you try to find a relationship because you want to not be lonely, it will fail because you are trying to start a relationship based on "I need this and I want that." If you start a romantic relationship with somebody you are already friends with because you think that person is just so great that you want to spend more time together, it will probably succeed because it is based on love instead of need.

Of course, like I said, I could be wrong. But I've watched a lot of people meet, date and marry, and I've heard a lot of people talking about their love life. The preceding seems to be the only consistent thread in the whole mess.
Let me rephrase this:

If someday I find a lady and get married, if I happen to see something at the store that I think she will enjoy, I want to be able to buy it and give it to her without her thinking I want something in return. I don't want there to be even any suspicion that I am trying to earn favor points for something I want her to do for me in the future. I want her to know, and more importantly I want her to believe, that I love her and I am getting this because I think she will enjoy it.

I want a relationship based on I love you and you love me. I don't want a relationship based on I need you and I am willing to do what you want so you will not leave me.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
18,521
5,057
113
#16
In a shorter version, reward and punishment works well on a dog. It works partially on a cat. It is terrible for humans, especially when both parties are free to pack up and leave for somebody else whenever they want.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
18,521
5,057
113
#17
Hmm... After reading what I wrote, I realize I seem to feel strongly about this topic.

Sorry for flooding your thread. I am as surprised as you are that I feel so strongly about it.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
36,679
13,834
113
66
Tennessee
#18
The time horizon for getting to know someone and actually get married may be much shorter at an older age than it was when you were first starting out. An older person has probably already spent a great deal of time deciding what is important in a relationship leading to marriage and what is trivial. No need to stretch a relationship out for months and years just to decide whether or not you want to marry this person, and once you do decide why waste what precious years you may have left by having a long engagement. After a certain point in your life you either know what you want or don't and hopefully have the wisdom to discern whether or not this person would make a suitable spouse. I did have a rule while I was dating and that is to never date someone that you would not consider marrying. By prayer and the grace of God hopefully you will marry your best friend.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
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#19
Let me rephrase this:

If someday I find a lady and get married, if I happen to see something at the store that I think she will enjoy, I want to be able to buy it and give it to her without her thinking I want something in return. I don't want there to be even any suspicion that I am trying to earn favor points for something I want her to do for me in the future. I want her to know, and more importantly I want her to believe, that I love her and I am getting this because I think she will enjoy it.

I want a relationship based on I love you and you love me. I don't want a relationship based on I need you and I am willing to do what you want so you will not leave me.
What you wrote contains wisdom. In marriage you do something for your spouse because you love them and are not expecting anything in return. To have a happy successful marriage you must first be unselfish.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
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#20
In a shorter version, reward and punishment works well on a dog. It works partially on a cat. It is terrible for humans, especially when both parties are free to pack up and leave for somebody else whenever they want.
Yeah, it's the punishment part I get having suffered through a horrible first marriage when I was young. Oh, didn't get any rewards either, I guess for me it was the reward OR punishment equation. I believe that I primarily married for sex, the thing is you don't have to be married for that. I should have just skipped the marriage altogether and abstained from sex. Beginning a relationship based primarily on sex is a recipe for disaster. For me, later on, I just wanted to love and be loved and this is exactly what happened. If you have love in your heart placed there by God to share you tend to overlook any minor perceived shortcomings if any. In my case, there were no perceived short comings to overlook.