The Banned Game

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Lanolin

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Dec 15, 2018
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Dame Edna set about removing the television banks from the lazyboy room. We only need ONE tv she said, not 50.

Santa Claus agreed. He would box them up and send them to the TV less households of Shittimstan.
It was daytime, and Edna turned one on to check the infomercials. But wait, there's more, said the tv. It was selling some kind of expensive outdoor heater. What, why not just go inside for a fire remarked Edna. I wonder if the Young and the Restless still on, I havent seen that in years.

I dont think so, said Santa Claus. As far as I know, that show jumped the shark sometime in the 80s.

humph said Edna.

I know, why dont we just listen to some Christmas Carols instead.
 

Lanolin

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Miss Greenlips Hine dusted off her old karaoke machine. It still had songs from the 80s and 90s from it.
Wow hadnt heard these since I was a baby!

There were several 'baby' songs on it too, but to her surpise it was picking up all the Christmas songs.

She made up a playlist.

Santa Baby
All I want for Christmas is You
I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus
And the old classic Snoopys Christmas.

She then thought I had better add the guinea pigs favourite. Christmas with the Chipmunks.

She wondered what the guinea pigs would be doing for their first Christmas living in the free world. She hoped wherever they were, they were loved and treated with kindness.

Then she thought of baby Jade. She hoped Jades mother actually celebrated Christmas and wasnt a complete grinch.
 

Lanolin

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Santa Claus peeked behind the curtain and found an odd machine left by the previous tenant. It had a note taped to it that said Eagle one, two and three. It looked like a cross between a photo booth and spacies video game console. He sat down in the seat and pressed the button in the joystick and the machine came to life with blinding lights and electronic noise. He found his arms and legs were now constrained.

Whats happening?! Santa Claus exclaimed. He was not used to to being body scanned and lasered.
Edna! Darling Edna! Help!

Edna was far way on the other side of the ice hotel, supervising wardrobe, and could not hear or speak as there was a call for silence on the set.

It was the house penguins who found Santa's limp body.
 

jennymae

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“Charles!”, Ms Jenny whispered, “how’s it coming?” Charles typed frenetically on his computer. “I’m almost there”, he said enthusiastically, “in a minute I’m on the inside of the LanoVision network.” Ms Jenny put both of her well manicured hands on his shoulders and was gazing at the screen. “There! I’m in!” Charles exclaimed.

They were able to crack open the secret files hidden on the inside. They were looking for one particular file. It was a well known piece of secret that Lanolinland’s intelligence had files on pert near everybody on the face of the earth. “Shall we?” Charles had found the file in question. “Y-yes”, Ms Jenny’s voice was weak. The file was simply labeled “Ms Jenny”.

“This is strange”, Charles said confused, “it only says that you’ve got red hair and claims to be the Empress of Jennymaesia, and that your father’s name is Joseph, but no surname”. He was skimming through the file. “Wait, someone has been deleting stuff here, but I think I can restore it”.

“What say it?” Ms Jenny asked nervously.
 

Lanolin

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I cant tell you said Charles or it will spoil the surprise.

Miss Jennymae's hair went even redder. What? You must!

Charles didnt want to reveal who her secret Santa was or what gifts she was going to receive for Christmas.

Oh bother, said Charles, my computers just crashed. Oh look the suns about to set lets see if we can catch it before it goes down.

The sky was blazing a brilliant red, just like Ms Jenny's hair.
 

Lanolin

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The possums had been observing He who must not be named Headquarters for quite some time and in concert with the Red Beanies, had produced a further dossier on the cult origins of Mosestaria.

Suspected Links to Mormonism -

Same last name as Brigham Young.
Self-styled 'prophet'
Practises polygamy with several 'sister-wives'
Goes to 'church'
Mistress also has biblical sounding name
Covets Rubies when Pearl of Great Price unavailable
Has a God complex
Penchant for prepping for the end of the world and 'secret bunkers'

Of course the possums could be wrong, and perhaps He who must not be named aka Monsieur Nom De plume was not a fundamentalist Mormon but more of a garden variety Scientologist.
 

Ruby123

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Clone three known for coming up with good ideas came up with a brilliant one.
His idea was to have a family party at the Arctic bunker with the three clones, Moses the father and Tzipora the mother (step)
A clipping of Tzipora' s hair would provide a sample of her DNA. As samples of Mr Bidens DNA were already obtained they would be able to see the truth of her paternity.
A caterer was called to provide the three course meal.
Clone three made the phone call to the Chieftan and the dinner party was arranged for tomorrow night. The three clones boarded the plane set for the Arctic. Miss Jenny was sad to see Charles leave but it would only be for two days. Miss Ruby stayed on in Jennymaesia continuing to receive her full makeover as it was temporary paused by the breaking news regarding Tziporah.
Hair and facial were complete, next stop eyebrows and lips. The transformation was coming along and Miss Ruby was losing the feral look and starting to look again like her glamourous self.
Miss Lanolin's makeover was also coming along although as she arrived late, her hair was still being attended to, next stop for her was the facial.
 

Moses_Young

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"I don't understand what is wrong with you," Tzipora questioned. "Ever since Peter Jackon's hastily repainted Olympic 2 berthed in our curiously named cove, you've been unusually quiet."

"I've been plotting," explained the Chieftain simply. Mordecai smiled broadly from underneath his dark pilot's sunglasses. He'd recently discovered the secret to being cool, and now couldn't get enough of it.

"My arch-nemesis has been plotting," explained the Chieftain. "And I have been counter-plotting. And then more recently, she has been counter-counter-plotting."

Tzipora raised her eyebrows questioningly.

"The nuke option," explained the Chieftain, primarily for Mordecai's benefit. "Mutually assured destruction. We win, but so does she. Or alternatively, we lose, but so does she."

"Interesting," nodded Mordecai, still looking cool.

Tzipora looked a little more worried. "Would she actually do that? Is she so crazy?"

The Chieftain nodded. "The craziness is what makes her so deadly. Miss Jenny can be reasoned with - tit for tat - cat for rat. The Empress of Lanolinland is hardly believed even in kindergartens....."

"So what is her plan?" asked Tzipora.

"The dreaded 'Thumbsdown' missiles. Named after the barbaric Roman savages, a 'thumbsdown' could ruin a successful gladiator's reputation, irrespective of how skillful a fighter he was."

"But weren't the gladiators barbaric savages too?" asked Tzipora.

The Chieftain nodded. "But at least the gladiators did what they did for a good cause," explained the Chieftain. "Much like us. They did it in order to preserve their lives..."

"But we don't slaughter anyone," Tzipora protested.

"No. But if the 'Thumbsdown' missiles start flying, the slaughter will be wholesale." explained the Chieftain matter-of-factly.

"Well, is there anything we could do to counter?" asked Tzipora. "RedX interceptors, for example? I've heard they're useful for countering a variety of missiles, including the 'Thumbsdown' kind."

"This is true, but again, we're not the only super-villains with RedXs. The others have got them too. All scenes result in mutually-assured-destruction."

"Well," said Tzipora. "I'm quite happy to meet my mutually-assured-destruction, so long as I meet it with you!" she smiled happily at the Chieftain. "And I would love to see the jealous looks on the faces of those other arch-nemeses, facing their own mutually-assured-destructions without *you*, and knowing that I faced mine with *you*!"

"But that's not all," interrupted the Chieftain grimly, hoping not to incite a premature mutually-assured-destruction. "There are plans afoot to associate you with..... Captain....."

Tzipora looked questioningly at the Chieftain.

"Biden!" Moses said the word quickly, embarrassedly, as if it were a dirty word, which, in most places these days, it actually was.

Tzipora's face went white. "What did you say?" she asked coldly.

"There are plans afoot to genetically link you to Captain Biden. I know, it's disgusting, unbelievable, and dastardly....."

"You've got to do something!" Tzipora begged. "It's not true, but if anyone can pull this off....."

"Yes," nodded the Chieftain. "My arch-nemesis can. And that is why I have booked the next stint of the Olympic 2's journey, to a new secret base, on a deserted island far, far away..... Some place known as Eden Island..... Oh - and by the way, I told the clones I'm in the Arctic. They're heading there tomorrow night for a dinner party with me. But, as you know, Antarctica is the edge of the world. So it will buy us some time to get away."
 

Ruby123

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Miss Ruby whilst having her eyebrows attended to heard the disgraceful twist in the plot.
There was no way that her beautiful, innocent Garden of Eden was going to be inhabited by the wicked Chieftan and his mistress. You see Miss Ruby discovered that Eden Island was actually only half an hour from Rubyland. All that time stuck on the island and she was only half an hour away. Her plan was to take back Rubyland and then build a beautiful golden bridge that spanned from Rubyland all the way to Eden Island. That way she could take her evening walk to Eden Island and stay over the weekends. She needed to come up with a plan and fast.
 

Moses_Young

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"Oh wait," explained the Chieftain mistakenly. "I had the map upside down. It's actually called Uapa Island..."

"Uapa Island?" asked Mordecai. "I've never heard of it, and I certainly can't pronounce it..."

"I hope you know where we're going, my Great Chieftain," answered Tzipora nervously.
 

Ruby123

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"Uapa Island" Miss Ruby said surprised. "Isn't that a terrorist word? Quite fitting really for the Chieftan and Tizzy the great" Miss Ruby said sarcastically.
"I've heard it is filled with nuclear items" Miss Jenny said. "It is quite unliveable. In fact to live there you must wear the type of gear they get suited up in when their is a nuclear spillage of some sort. Highly unfashionable!!!"
Miss Ruby was impressed with Miss Jenny's knowledge of this island.
"Can't see Miss Tizzy liking wearing that gear 24 hours a day" Miss Lanolin said.
The three Empress's laughed.
 

Moses_Young

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"Phew!" exclaimed the Chieftain, wiping his brow. "I think I just averted mutally-assured-destruction, at least for the moment."

"What are you talking about?" asked Tzipora suspiciously. "I hope you didn't catch that disease off my mom."

"Oh, nothing, nothing," muttered the Chieftain to himself. "Just they think I was reading the map upside down now..." He chuckled happily to himself that he had managed to outwit his arch-nemesis, at least for the moment.
 

Lanolin

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Megs Pegs Legs and Wigs had an exclusive walk in wardrobe on the board the Calypso as it picked up the three empresses from Jennymaesia on their return journey toward Rubyland.

Megs, where are these outfits from, they are gorgeous! Exclaimed Keisha. Mrs Hairy was also admiring the glittering gowns.

Those are reserved for the three Empresses, said Megs. The Supremes let me have them and now I need to take measurements of the ladies to make sure each fits perfectly.

Rachel said Megs, do you have a line of swimsuits? Im looking for something to ready to wear with heels.

Oh, unfortunately Ms Hunter, we do not currently do swimsuits.

Dang, said Rachel. I need something for Ms Tizzy to wear for the Miss BumBum beauty Pageant.

We do have shoes though.

Hmm Ok. Would you have any that go with red underwear, I think I will borrow from Captain Underpants Cosplay shop. Ms Tizzy thinks shes Wonder Woman.

How about some red boots. What size shoe is she?

Rachel tried to remember what size the shoe was that had been left on the raft with Bubba. I'll get back to you on that. I must ask Miss Greenlips Hine.
 

Lanolin

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Miss Greenlips Hine took the mic. If only Rachel and Lanolin were here, she thought, though her staff were pretty good back ups as she sang 'Stop! In the Name of Love.'

The Beehive workers had dressed up and had their hair up in beehive hair dos. It was a Friday Night in the city. Miss Greenlips Hine was dressed in green (of course) and her backups were in ruby and amber jeweled gowns. They named their group the Queen Bees.

The dinner time audience at the exclusive supper club roared for more.

Next up was 'Baby Love'

They would sing all their classics and then go on to 'Love Child' which was Miss Greenlips Hines favourite.
 

Lanolin

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The clones arrived in the arctic ice only to find nobody there.
There was a sign at the Arctic Ice Hotel saying Santa had moved south to the Antarctic.

The Eagles looked at each other in triplicate. They were all dressed up in penguin tuxedos with nowhere to go. Where is the Great Chieftain and his wicked mistress?

Sissy clone said it was typical of all family events with ms Tizzy, who was often a no show and had nothing but insults for their intelligence. Dont tell me she's played the matryr again. I cant go on another guilt trip with her.

Eagle two said he didnt care who their stepmothers dad was. She was already wicked as sin. That she could be embarassed about something as stupid as being related to an american politician was unfathomable, but then she was a religious nut and thought she was Gods gift after all. Unfortunatley, she worshipped the God of this world, Mammon, and so did the Chieftain, who was contstantly coveting Miss Ruby, and it was obvious his insatiable lust knew no bounds.

Hes probably fantasisng about her right now.

It was just a ploy to buy him time.

Well, yes hes only got till the end of October and then his name is going to be blotted out .
can we go now? Im getting cold.

Well lets just see if he makes good on his promises, I wouldnt trust him as far as I could throw him, and I can throw pretty far. Said Eagle two

Right on bro. Said SIssy Clone. I cant throw that far but I can spit.
 

Lanolin

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The Eagles were pondering what to do when they were picked up by a scout who had followed them to the Arctic. Clone 3 had to admit his idea wasnt turning out as brilliant as he had initially thought at the time. Also, he had severe dyspraxia/dyslexia and couldnt read maps.

The Scout was from MTV and had been looking for them for quite some time. They were quickly signed up as members of Simon Cowell's new boy band 'The Clones' . You dont need to know how to sing, said the Scout. You can just lipsynch. I have already got the material. You will all be stars. Also, we will save on band outfits since all of you are the exact same size.
 

Lanolin

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Santa Claus was in shock and rushed to the intensive care unit. There had been a wardrobe malfunction, and thankfully Sir Peter was on hand to rectify it.

The clone-o-matic needs repair. Said Sir Peter. I will get my wetas on to it.
Dame Edna was relieved. For a moment there she thought it was way too soon to become a widow the second time.

Santa just needs a rest, he's been working so hard all year. No heavy lifting and bed rest until December, when he's scheduled for his mall appearances in Evereverland she told the penguins.

The penguins were placed on guard around the ice hotel, the set was closed and also communicated to the Rubyland sharks that if anyone else tried to come near Antarctica, especially the previous tenants that were evicted, they were to be dispatched forthwith.
 

Moses_Young

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The beautiful Uapa Island was now within telescope range of the hastily repainted Olympic 2. At first, Tzipora had been somewhat reluctant to travel on a "heathen" ice-breaker, as she referred to it, so the Chieftain had to explain that the Olympic 2 had actually been well and truly baptised - pretty much as thorough a baptism as a ship could actually receive, without the baptism progressing to a proper scuttling. In fact, the baptism was so thorough that if it weren't for the insurance small-print denying compensation to the ship's owners for the particular circumstances of baptism Olympic 2 had received, it probably would have advanced to a proper sinking then and there. As it was, the ship's owners had felt it more economically prudent to patch up the (uninsured) gaping hole, repaint the vessel, rename it Titanic 2, and send it on its maiden yet final voyage - this time ensuring that no inconvenient small-print on the insurance contract would invalidate the claim. Before leaving Antarctica, the Chieftain had taken the precaution to ensure the lifeboats were in good working order, and that they were not housed anywhere in proximity to the explosives coincidentally being carried.

"Land ahoy!" exclaimed Mordecai's voice from the crow's nest. The Chieftain looked up and over to his loyal cousin, descending with his nautical telescope in hand. "I can see Uapa Island."

The Chieftain had heard good things about this island. Apparently, it was located within 30 minutes of Rubyland, and there were plans to build a beautiful, golden bridge to the mainland, once the corrupt bureaucracy in mainland Rubyland had been dealt with. There were also rumours that the island was sometimes utilised as a holiday resort for terrorists, and therefore came with some reasonable munitions - nuclear weapons and the like. The Chieftain couldn't be sure, but he also wondered whether this was where his arch-nemesis - and even his clones - sometimes went to holiday. It would be nice if they could all holiday together, and he could somehow convince his clones to renounce their treachery against him and their step-mom, and, if even possible, perhaps convince his arch-nemesis that perhaps they should be working together to free Rubyland from the tyranny of Marxist McGown, rather than continuing the generational squabble that really, truly, was the butcher's fault afterall, and not poor Moses the Oldest.

He checked his watch, and estimated they probably still had several hours before the explosives - presumably placed by Peter Jackson as the previous master of the ship - would detonate.

"Excellent!" shouted the Chieftain back to his First Mate. "Prepare to launch the life boats."

Given Uapa Island's reputation for poor quality internet, and Elon Musk's busyness of late - what with the Twitter lawsuit and providing internet to the downtrodden masses in Iran - the Chieftain decided to send off one final letter to Jennymaesia before manning the lifeboat himself.

It was a cordial letter - the Chieftain had much respect for the great Jennymaesian Empress, who, despite her past differences with the Chieftain, had been able to put these aside when it really mattered. Also, the tabloids were circulating rumours that she had taken pity on the sissy-clone, and she was feigning some sort of friendship with him - even possibly something more serious - in order to salvage his admittedly irredeemable reputation brought about by his stubborn sissiness.

"A little kindness goes a long way," thought the Chieftain to himself. "But that level of kindness is more often associated with saints than empresses..."

"Dear Miss Jenny", the note read. "You are truly the rightful Empress of Jennymaesia. But someone... or someones... have been trying to re-write history of late. Especially where history is easily re-written, such as electronic history. I know this someone greatly vexed my loyal warrioress Tzipora the other day, by attempting to tarnish her honourable name and associating it with the questionable and deplorable Captain Biden. I would not be surprised to find a similar tactic used against you, in order to destabilise your reign, or kingdom. A conspiracy called out as such ahead of its time will usually lose much of its desired impact. Although I very much appreciated the services provided by your Jennymaesian Feminine Division (JFD) during my last visit to Jennymaesia, I must reluctantly advise you that this would be where I would begin my investigations - were I you. However, given that I am not you, and that female brains are for the most part - wired somewhat haphazardly - I will fully understand if this advice is not taken. Cordially, Your nefarious neighbour and part-time nemesis, the Mosestarian (Great) Chieftain". Moses felt obliged to include the word Great in his signature line, because that was his official job title. However, he didn't want the Jennymaesian Empress to think he was getting a big head or worse - the Lanolinland propaganda machine to use it as evidence that he had a "god complex" - so he put the "Great" in brackets.

Once he had sent the letter on its way, he joined his comrades - Tzipora, Mordecai and Bubba - in the life boat, as they covered the final part of their journey to their new island home.
 

Ruby123

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Fortunately the friendship Miss Ruby had formed with the three clones served her well. They let Miss Ruby know that the wicked one and his wicked mistress and bubba were setting sail for her beautiful Eden Island. Miss Ruby was not pleased but thanked the clones for informing her. They even asked Mordecai if he could fly Miss Ruby over to the island before the chieftan arrived. Mordecai who respected Miss Ruby did so and Miss Ruby did something very sneaky.

She wrote on the large sign at the front of the island the words " Dangerous Island, enter at your own risk" Next to it was another sign reading Uapa Island (Eden Island) and an arrow pointing back towards Antartica. As the Chieftan neared the island he would then follow the arrow and end up back in Antarctica.

Miss Ruby thanked Mordecai and was very impressed with his flying skills. Miss Ruby then made up another sign that read strictly vegetarians only and must be vaccinated to enter this island. Mordecai, the gentleman he was even offered to bang in the sign placed on star pickets for Miss Ruby. Miss Ruby thanked Mordecai and he offered to stay a little while longer to see that her plan worked.

Whilst they were waiting they sipped on a cup of coffee Miss Ruby made them and she asked why he was helping his cousins enemy. Mordecai answered that he was not too fond of Tziporah and had decided to step away from being on the wicked ones payroll. It was time for him to branch away and start a life of his own. Miss Ruby smiled but thought to herself "Interesting, very interesting" She could think no more as she saw the ship carrying the Chieftan, Tizzy and bubba. The captain also named Mordecai but not the wicked one's cousin but someone he hired to sail the ship saw the sign and followed the arrows. Miss Ruby's plan had worked. Backed to Antartica they sailed.

Miss Ruby turned to Mordecai and thanked him for his help. "My pleasure your Empress" he said. Miss Ruby thought to herself, I may offer this man a job but I must sleep on it first and decide in the morning.
 

Lanolin

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Miss Greenlips Hine sneaked a look at her Tik Tok.There was a new video uploaded by a group who called themselves 'The Clones'. She gasped.

They all looked alike, and rather familiar.

The young guy from the Young and the Restless! But three of him!

They were all miming to 'Bette Midler's The Wind Beneath my Wings'

Did I ever tell you you're my hero? sang clone one to clone two

You're everything, everything, I wish I could be -sang clone two to clone three

And *I* could fly higher than an eagle! sang clone three to clone one

Cos YOU are the wind beneath my wings - they all sang pointing to each other

Miss Greenlips Hine nearly fell off her chair.