The Banned Game

[Ruby123]

Miss Ruby wondered how the Chieftan managed to retrieve the spy vision that she threw to the bottom of the ocean. One of the penguins obviously found it thinking it was some type of bogan Cd player or something. It looked like it was back in operation again. Somehow the Chieftan must have pressed a button on it and Miss Ruby's computer came on and she heard what was taking place in the Mosestarian bunker in Antarctica.

The Chieftan was under the impression that her and Morty had secretly wed. Perhaps it is better he thinks that she pondered, after all it is harder to attack two rather than one. Miss Ruby knew she could not accept Morty's proposal until he passed the most important test. To make her a chicken dinner and she not develop salmonella from it. This of course started the Rubyland and Mosestarian feud all those generations ago.

Miss Ruby turned the volume up, just in time to overhear the outrageous things the bogans were saying about her. "Those bogans need to pay for thinking they can place me in a sack and flush me" Miss Ruby said enraged. Just as she was about to announce the punishment coming their way and for their wicked leader the Chieftan she heard several explosive noises.

She ran outside to see her precious golden bridge partially explode. Miss Ruby felt whoozy and fainted. Unfortunately Morty was not around and instead she fell. Luckily it was the soft sand of the beach. When she awoke she saw a hideous woman in a small boat, near to where the explosion took place. She seemed to be throwing missiles at the bridge. Miss Ruby at first wondered whether it was Tzipora (they did look alike) but when she looked through her binoculars she managed to read the back of this ladies shirt. It read Miss K. Harris. She made her way into a spy looking vessel and it sailed away.

Miss Ruby was determined to make her pay.

 

[Moses_Young]

As the Great Chieftain continued to watch the antics of Miss Ruby on his International Spy Vision, he wondered about the telescope that Miss Ruby had tossed into the sea. It seemed that a penguin had mysteriously recovered it and dragged it ashore, together with a bogan CD, and was busily trying to play that horrible, thumping bogan music on it - right on Miss Ruby's Eden island. The Great Chieftain smiled to himself. If only he had trained the penguin a little better, it might have recognised the difference between a telescope and a CD player, and Miss Ruby and the pestiferous Morty might have had a taste of their own, deafening medicine.

As it was, the poor penguin simply got a spank from Miss Ruby, had his telescope confiscated, and retreated back into the ocean. The Great Chieftain chuckled. It seemed Miss Ruby was somehow trying to listen to the telescope.

"Ha, ha, ha," he laughed with his bogans. "One doesn't listen to a telescope. One looks with it!"

"If only she had your International Spy Vision technology, oh Great Chieftain... mate," said one of the bogans. "Then she wouldn't need such primitive equipment."

The Great Chieftain smiled encouragingly at the bogan, and then scowled at him rebukingly. Although the bogan had his loyalties right, it was prudent that he still show due respect to their mutual arch-nemesis, as Miss Ruby had been known for tasing bogans as soon as feeding them to her alligators.

The beautiful-but-indefatigable Tzipora and her ever-hungry Bubba came and stood beside the Great Chieftain, and watched sadly on the International Spy Vision as the last vestiges of Miss Ruby's golden gate bridge fell into the sea. Everyone knew that Miss Ruby could be somewhat of a dictator, if a generally benevolent one - but even dictators don't deserve to have their modern Wonders of the world destroyed. The perpetrator - a "Miss K. Harris" judging by the name on the back of her lady's shirt - was whisked quickly away in a spy-looking vessel.

"Say, isn't that the same whoremonger that Miss Jenny threw into the dungeon?" asked one of the bogans.

"It's warmonger," corrected Tzipora.

"Oh, sorry ma'am," apologised the bogan, noting Tzipora's stern look and the knife she kept ever at the ready. "That's what I meant - isn't that the same warmonger that Miss Jenny threw into the dungeon?"

"Indeed it is," noted the Great Chieftain. "But the question is, why would the that warmonger go ahead and destroy one of Miss Ruby's bridges?"

The Chieftain turned on the volume, and zoomed in on Miss Ruby. Although the audio quality was poor, the way she was yelling at the retreating terrorist even made some of the bogans blush. But one word stood out to all of them - 'TZIPORA!!!'.

The Chieftain turned to his warrioress. "Surely she doesn't think..."

The Japovian warrioress stifled a laugh. "I think I know what wedding gift you can purchase for our dear arch-nemesis. A half-decent pair of spectacles."

 

[jennymae]

“What? They think I’ve let the lieutenant flee?” Ms Jenny cut off her SpyForYou vision. This edition came with a cute screen and a pink frame. She summoned the guard in chief. “No ma’am, lieutenant Harris is still in custody. We have informed the US President about this very unfortunate situation, but he couldn’t remember any lieutenant Harris. I’m probably wrong, but it sounded like he giggled when saying that.”

Ms Jenny looked at Charles. “Who can have demolished Ms Ruby’s bridge?”

Charles smiled and pointed at a newspaper, or more correctly, a Lanonlinland propaganda pamphlet. “I’d say it’s the Lanoliners who have upgraded from propaganda to explosives.

 

[Lanolin]

The Lanolinlanders were going about their business. It was and ordinary Friday afternoon where folks were busy getting ready for the weekend around 2pm and thinking of leaving work early to beat the traffic.

Then the normally blue sky got dark, strangely dark. Was it an eclipse?

No, it was just dark clouds forming in a westerly direction. The sky was taking on a reddish hue. What could it be? The Lanolinlanders shrugged.

Its just the sacking and burning of Rubyland by the remaining Mosestarian bogans said NIWA (The National Insitute of Water and Atmospherics) . Nothing to worry about.

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Greenlips Hine was telling the Chipmunks a story about how her family came to Lanolinland. Once upon a time, years ago, Tane had many sons. He didnt have any daughters for some strange reason but he did make his wife out of some clay, gave her a hongi and she came to life. They were living in Hawaiki at the time.

She gave birth to seven sons, but the eighth, Maui was still born or so she thought. Potiki Maui was chucked into the moana where he was thankfully saved by some albatrosses and bought up by them on a neighbouring island where he learned his magic tricks from his godparents.

One day he found out that the albatrosses were not really his parents and resolved to find his real parents. The birds were sad to see him go but it was what he was meant to do. He was given a magic jawbone as a taonga parting gift.

Maui sailed to his home island and found out he had seven brothers and his mother was getting fed up with them because they were always fighting. Maui was determined to show his mum he was truly her son...


The Chipmunks were enthralled, they hadnt heard any story like this. It was not like the cheap comics in the Daily Planet they were used to. Tell us more, begged Simon.

 

[Lanolin]

Mrs Santa Claus smelled smoke coming from her next door neighbour Burke's backyard.
Must be having a barbie, she thought. Maybe I should go over and be neighbourly, and bring some Chippettes.

Santa was reading his letters. He was laughing at Moses the youngers request.

Dear Santa
I wosh to play fortnite all the time and make Miss Ruby's eyeballs drop out
I have been a good boy and returned all my liberry books.
From Moses (the youngest)

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Zipmouth started reading the script.
Wow to think there's a character with a name just like mine in this story, she thought. But is there a role for Baby Jade?
It turned out there could be, but she'd need to play a boy.

Oh what about this character, Moshe. Maybe I could play him, in disguise and Miss Bum Bum could play Zipporah.

So much to think about. She decided to show the script to her mysterious co-star from Lanolinland, to see what he thought. He was a bit homesick and yearning to return to Lanolinland, and perhaps go back to his first love, acting on Shortland Street. But real acting this time, not playing himself. Which was too easy.

He had said his name was Lionel, but not to tell anyone here, so she just called him Mr Right.

Mr Right had a look at the script, which was over 1000 pages long.

Miss Zipmouth, you left a letter in here, I think. He pulled out a piece of paper. I wont read it as it looks personal.

Miss Zipmouth looked at the letter. It was not addressed to her.

It said

Dear Miss Ruby
I am sorry I tried to kill you 490 times. Will you please forgive me?
From the Chief of Sinners,
Moses

 

[Lanolin]

Burke welcomed Mrs Santa Claus who had bought a bowl of Chippettes.
They look delicious he said. Is Santa coming?

Oh yes, he's just bringing the eski.

Great I need a beer can for my famous beer can chicken. Burke had an apron on that said Kiss the Cook and his Weber was all fired up. No sossies on this barbie he boasted. It would be a gourmet feed of giant banana prawns and succulent beer can chicken washed down with the best of Bundaberg.

Madame Doubtfire also arrived, bringing a potato salad. She said Mr Right, Miss Zipmouth and baby Jade were coming together, and the Irwins as well as the Minogues.

All we need is the Moriartys. They lived next door to the Burkes. They said they would bringing their bats for a game of cricket. Though it really was just going to be a pole with a tennis ball on a string.

 

[jennymae]

“Jenny”, Charles said in a philosophical tone, “have you noticed that the Lanonliners pert near always are making references to literature when plotting?”

“What kinda literature?” Ms Jenny wondered. “No particular kind of literature, but on the whole”, Charles elaborated. “They sort of create a framework inside the limits of genres picked for the occasion, very cunning, I have to admit”.

“So what?” Ms Jenny said.

“Don’t you see? They will always have some sort of background and truth at the ready when spouting out their propaganda. Even creating an illusion of common ground with the reader”, Charles said with a cheerful smile. “I have to hand it to them, they know their game”.

 

[Lanolin]

Meg stole the crown jewels? Or maybe she was just loaning them out and...er....sub-loaned them. To me. said Keisha. But she didnt say I had to give them back or anything.

Rachel was puzzled. What, I never even got to speak to her on my Tour of Beauty, she said. I just bought some boots off her, but never got to interview her like I did Miss Jenny and Miss Ruby. She seemed all above board...

What was Miss Jenny like Rachel? I met her once when I was out hobnobbing. She seemed a bit snobby to me said Miss Greenlips Hine.

I think ....she just doesnt like the colour green. I dont know what she's got against chlorophyll, its not like plants ever hurt her.

Oh said Miss Greenlips Hine. Did she say anything about the guinea pigs?

She was remarkably tight lipped about that. I dont know, she seemed evasive, like she was hiding something. Then she rushed off with her new 'boyfriend'. Or so it seems.

who is her boyfriend? James Bond? Doesnt he change every season?

Well his names Charles. He's her 'fall guy' and think the next one will be her 'winter guy'. I dont think hes very bright, I mean the whole Tizzy thing was a mess. I'm not even sure why they dont like her. I forgot what number he is but she goes through men like pairs of shoes. I dont think they are serious about each other, though she semed awfully clingy to him.

Miss Greenlips Hine was rather disturbed. But at least Miss Jenny never spammed her like Miss Ruby did.
Whats so wrong with wearing green anyway? The Irish do it.

Lanolin broke in and said thats enough- I think these hag mags are too old and need to go in the trash or recycle where they belong. Rupert Murdoch has a lot to answer for.

Keisha said well you can never believe anything they write in them anyway. But she made a mental note to contact Megs and ask her if her tiara was hot property.

Lanolin continued. The Chipmunks really want to hear the rest of your history Miss Greenlips Hine. How Maui fished up Lanolinland?

Oh sorry. where was I? Oh yes, Maui and his magic jawbone.

 

[Lanolin]

Hey M do I need to return the crown jewels to you? K

nah just pass them on to Miss Jenny when u finished.

oh ok. thx.

 

[Lanolin]

When Maui was challenged against his brothers in his village to various feats he always won. He was the fastest swimmer, the loudest chanter and his kumara grew the biggest. Consequently, all this brothers were jealous and called him a show off. Though he was only really desperately trying to get his mothers attention.

The latest wero (challenge) in the village was who could catch the most fish. Maui's brothers were sure that Maui being the smallest and weakest had no chance as they had decided to team up together in their best waka and nets and go to the secret fishing ground only they knew about, and besides Maui had no waka anyway so he'd have to just stay on the beach and catch fish with his bare hands in the shallows.

However Maui was sneaky and secretly stowed away in their waka the night before with his magic jawbone.
when the brothers headed out to sea they relaxed and said Ae what a relief cheeky little snot Maui isnt out here today to ruin our fishing trip.

That was when Maui sprang out from his secret hiding spot beneath the floor of the waka and declared heres your cheeky snot! And he punched his own nose till it bled and wiped some of his blood on the magic jawbone which was tied to a long rope and flung it wide out to the sea.

 

[Lanolin]

Prince William was planning his Down Under Family Fun adventure at Clarence House on a big map spread out on the dining room table.

Charlotte, George and Louis were all crowding round him as he drew a line showing their journey from the United Kingdom with a dry erase marker.

We'll dig a hole in the backyard and tunnel under the earth, if we go in a straight line we will end up in the antipodes and pop up aproximately here. He pointed to a town called Dubbo on the map, it was in New South Wales, and he was the new Prince of Wales, it was his duty to visit his new territories.

Louis was doubtful, and asked if everything would be upside down when they got out the other side.

Possibly, said his dad, You will have to practice hanging upside down on monkey bars before you go.

What about Rubyland? asked Charlotte. I want to meet the Empress.

Dont be silly, said George, there's no Empress! Its ruled by a boy...an Emperor. Thats the rule.

No! shouted Charlotte. Theres no Emperors, that's only in Antarctica and they are all smelly penguins.

George stuck his tongue out at Charlotte. Thats what you think, little miss know-it-all!

Charlotte grabbed George by the leg and pulled. Ow! hey

Prince William gave the time out signal. Enough! Does anyone need to sit on the naughty chair?

 

[Lanolin]

Ruby the Roo kept popping up on everyones spy vision o-rama or whatver spy network they were connected to. .
Say Gidday and come and stay!

What? There is no way in ....?!
Does Miss Ruby expect me to believe Miss Tizzy is a fembot cyborg while she herself is a CGI animated kangaroo?! Arrgh screamed one subscriber who's eyeballs got stuck to the channel

 

[Lanolin]

The Chieftain received a bill for the cost of explosives for detonating Miss Rubys precious bridge. Im not paying it, he said, its already been paid for... Missy, you'll have to foot the bill.

But Miss Tizzy aka Miss Bum Bum was not there. She had hideously hid her big butt somewhere else and had run off with another bogan on the back of a motorbike back to Bathurst.

The bogans werent keen on the island lifestyle it was actually too slow for them. They preferred racing around the continent anyway so they were not sure why Miss Ruby hated them so much and blaming them for all her personal problems with the Chieftain. Also they werent sure, why she was even building a bridge in the first place designed for anything on wheels, if she didnt want bogans driving to her island.

We're only gonna say this once Miss Ruby, cry us a river, build yourself another bridge and GET OVER IT! They then disappeared from view.

Miss Ruby had to go to her bank manager with Morty and take yet another billion dollar loan to build yet another bridge. Morty said just charge it to the taxpayer your're in charge arent you? Thats what your subjects are meant to do, fund whatever you want to do. Who cares if they dont have jobs and cant afford it. You make them do jobs. You're an Empress right? You can enslave people and be a dictator, just like the Chieftain used to do.

Miss Ruby felt a bit faint. Why was Morty being so mean? He was supposed to be on her side! Cos she said so!! Then she remembered that he was actually related to the Chieftain. And family was family.

 

[jennymae]

On one fairly well morning Ms Jenny was out on the balcony having her coffee. The sun was shining on her and Charles. “Looks like it’s gonna be a nice one”, Charles said while sipping coffee. “Yeah, I could stay right here for the rest of the day”, Ms Jenny said and poured Charles some more coffee. “It’s like something bad could never happen”, she said with a little smile.

Suddenly a servant appeared. “Ms Jenny, Charles, I’m sorry to interrupt Your coffee, but there is a…ehm…lady here to see You”.

Ms Jenny was wondering whoever that could be while the servant went to invite her in.

Long before the lady got to the balcony Ms Jenny could clearly hear a familiar, yet not beloved voice. It was Ms Bobbie-Jo from the trailer park. A loudmouth who was running on Tennessee whiskey and home rolled cigarettes.

“Jenny-Mae!” she exclaimed when she saw Ms Jenny. “Bobbie-Jo…” Ms Jenny greeted her back in a tone a few inches less heartily.

“How’s it goin’, darlin’?” she didn’t wait for an invitation to join them and just dumped down on the chair between Ms Jenny and Charles. “This here place is totally awesome, ain’t never seen nobody livin’ in high cotton like this!” Ms Bobbie-Jo said in a high pitch. “He your beau?” she pointed at Charles. “He’s my fiancé”, Ms Jenny said sternly. Ms Bobbie-Jo laughed, “He sure is some eye candy”. Then she smiled her sweetest smile and addressed Charles. “You must think my mama didn’t raise me well, I’m Bobbie-Jo, a friend of Jenny-Mae from a long way back”.

“Would you like some coffee?” Ms Jenny asked to distract her old friend from chatting up Charles. “Sure, you got some whiskey too?” Old habits were hard to break.

Ms Jenny didn’t approve of Ms Bobbie-Jo’s outfit. Scantily clad would be an understatement.

“Soooo…girl…how did you get all this?” Ms Bobbie-Jo inquired. “Hard work”, Ms Jenny said. “Sure…suuure…”, Ms Bobbie-Jo said wickedly, “you been wearin’ out a lot of’em sugar daddies? Took mahself three of’em to get me a trailer”, Ms Bobbie-Jo giggled. “Mah damsel in distress scheme works ever’ time. You recollect that old yeller we met back in the trailer park? I think he spent five grand on me. Cried like a baby when he got the boot”.

“I’ll be staying here for a couple of weeks, where can I crash?” Ms Bobbie-Jo said eagerly. Ms Jenny froze…

 

[Lanolin]

Keisha decided she had finished with her tiara and wanted to post it back to Miss Jenny. She supposed Megs was holding it for her and had only loaned it for a season. But she didnt know Miss Jenny's address.

Presdent Lanolin do you know Miss Jenny's address? I mean obviously she lives in Jennymaesia but I think I need to be a bit more specific.

Lanolin knew that Miss Jenny moved around a lot. She could never pin her down, it was part of her restless nature. But surely she had a post office box or somewhere in the Deep South as she called it. Which was actually in North America.

I know why dont you send it c/o Miss Dolly, Mobile Imagination Library. DixieLand. Thats should take care of it. If shes living somewhere out in the hills surely the mobile library packhorses can find her. Im sure you can trust Miss Dolly to get it to her, its not like she doesnt already have an entire cupboard full of tiaras.

Do you think Miss Jenny's on the beauty pageant circuit? Like Jon Benet Ramsay. I mean how much do we REALLY know about Miss Jenny? Or Megs for that matter? Or even Miss Ruby?

Lanolin laughed. I think you've been reading too many old hags mags Keisha.

 

[Lanolin]

Maui said a karakia as the magic jawbone sunk to depths of the sea. The flax rope went slack then taut. it started dragging the waka backward.

Put the anchors stones out! I caught something!

Mauis brothers reluctantly had to help him or they would be swamped. They threw out the stones and then held on to the line and pulled. This was a big fish that wasnt going to give up without a fight.

It wasnt just a huge fish. It was a giant stingray, so large in size that it took all their combined might to haul it in. Mauis brothers agreed it was the biggest ever caught in the village and were eager to win the challenge, as after all they had helped him.

Maui was pleased he had finally won the respect of his brothers and when they bought it back to they found it was large enough to live on and enough to feed the entire village. His mother was so proud that she called the fish te-Ika-a-Maui and accepted Maui as her son. Maui had in fact fished up Lanolinland , though his brothers were so greedy they started carving it up and eating it before the blessing which is why Lanolinland is so hilly.

And South Lanolinland is said to be the waka and Lanolin Island the anchor stone. You can see their shape of the land on any map.

And this is where my ancestors, came from Hawaiki to live today in Lanolinland, all thanks to Maui, said Miss Greenlips Hine.

 

[Ruby123]

Morty returned to Eden Island only to see part of the golden bridge floating in the water. He ran off the ferry looking for Miss Ruby. He found her upset in her hut. She began to tell him exactly what had happened. Morty was mortified.

"Who did this Miss Ruby. Was it that wicked chieftan and his floozy Tzipora?" asked Morty.

"I dont know who it was Morty. The only thing I saw was a woman in a row boat from behind. By the time I looked through the binoculars, all I saw was the name K. Harris on the back of her shirt" Miss Ruby recalled.

Morty went white in the face and his eyes grew wide. He then excused himself and fled to his hut. You see, Morty knew who this woman was. It was someone he took out on a date a few years ago. She became obsessed with Morty and stalked any girlfriend he had after her. In fact she was placed in jail because of it. She had been released a few months ago and it looked like she had found out about Miss Ruby. She was very dangerous and Morty knew that Miss Ruby's life was in danger.

How was Morty going to explain this to her and how could he get her to stay away once and for all? She had contacts and the spy ship that helped her escape belonged to her family. Morty was going to need help, but who was he to ask?

 

[Moses_Young]

But she needn't have worried. Charles had already determined what the nature of this lady was, who would have made Rahab in the unbelieving portion of her life look like Queen Esther in the believing portion of hers.

"The Jennymaesian Feminine Division could always use more... security?" Charles asked Miss Jenny.

Miss Jenny's heart dropped into her stomach. "He wasn't really suggesting that she contaminate her beloved Feminine Division with this..." her thoughts trailed off, as she couldn't think of a polite word to describe Ms Bobbie-Jo. "Was he?"

Miss Jenny approached Charles to give him a kiss on the cheek, and whispered "Are you mad? I don't want this creature in my JFD! She would single-handedly sully their reputation within a day!"

Charles whispered back. "I was talking about Internet Security." He surreptitiously pointed his finger downward.

"The man is a genius!" Miss Jenny thought to herself, almost a little too loudly. "Ms Bobbie-Jo could work in the palace IT Division, and be entitled to the bed and lodgings associated with the role. The confined nature of the lodgings afforded to members of the IT Division would keep any visitors to a minimum, and the minimalist bedding would ensure she wouldn't have additional bed-space for so much as a pet rodent - in the unlikely event she ever were visited. And the IT Division was based on the lowest levels of the palace - even lower than the dungeons - so Miss Jenny could be assured she would never bump into Ms Bobbie-Jo by accident, unless she were interrogating one of her most notorious prisoners, and on her way back, accidentally pressed the 'down' button on the elevator, instead of the 'up'."

"I love you!" Miss Jenny whispered to Charles, who smiled back, restraining himself from repaying her comment with a long kiss on her perfectly-shaped, Ruby-red lipsticked lips.

"Well, ma'am," Charles explained to Ms Bobbie-Jo, who was straining her ears because of all the whispering going on, and looking on almost with jealously at the prolonged attention Charles was giving to his Empress. "There is one room available... It's located within our IT Division..."

"Hmmmph..." Ms Bobbie-Jo grunted. "I guess I'll see how it goes. I might need to leave sooner than I expected, I guess..." her voice trailed off, as though the threat of her leaving was going to induce an offer of a more palatable room for her.