The Banned Game

[Moses_Young]

Back in Antarctica, the Great Chieftain received a call from someone he despised. It wasn't a mutual-respect sort of despiction, as he had formed for his favourite arch-nemesis and the wise-but-somewhat-hot-tempered Empress of Jennymaesia whom he believed he'd formed somewhat of a constructive working-relationship with - equal in his reckoning to himself, but opposite in goals... - no, this despiction was more of a 'what-did-I-just-tread-in-and-how-am-I-going-to-get-it-off-my-boot?' kind of despiction. He knew it was a call from someone he despised, as he'd taken the additional effort to flag the phone-number as such in his "smart" phone, so if the caller ever called, it gave an ominous-sounding ring.

The boguns seated with him around the International Spy Vision screen looked about worriedly. They'd had little experience in the use of "smart" phones, let alone specially-programmed ones with ominous tones for calls from despised numbers.

"Ah, Moses?" the caller on the phone never used the Great Chieftain's correct title. Probably because he'd always been jealous of the Great Chieftain, and once, in an oft-repeated story, got the Great Chieftain a spanking via the strategic use of sand.

"What do you want, Mordecai the Mortified?" asked the Great Chieftain. The nerfarious-but-still-somewhat-respected-by-the-Great-Chieftain Empress E-Ruby of Rubyland, probably didn't know that the Great Chieftain often referred to Morty as Mordecai the Mortified, because he was always getting himself into some type of trouble, and then getting all upset and worried about it, as if it wasn't caused by his own stupid life-choices.

"Our mutual, ah, friend," began Mordecai the Mortified.

"We have no mutual friends, Mordecai," the Great Chieftain cut him off shortly like a particularly offensive wart.

"The Empress E-Ruby of Rubyland?" Morty questioned.

The Great Chieftain sighed. "You've just married my favourite arch-nemesis, had the gall not to invite me to the wedding, and now gotten her into some sort of trouble already?" he growled.

"Wedding?" asked Morty. "No, we're not married... yet... Look, remember my ex-girlfriend, Karmala..."

The Great Chieftain rolled his eyes. Why did Morty have absolutely no standards when it came to selecting his girlfriends? The Great Chieftain consoled himself with the thought that at least Morty's latest choice was one that he could respect, as he began to listen to the infuriating worm's pathetic tale, and how he needed the Great Chieftain's help, once again, lest the Great Chieftain should lose an arch-nemesis...

 

[Ruby123]

Miss Ruby wondered where Morty had disappeared to. He seemed to have gone quiet and then disappeared into his hut. Miss Ruby walked up to his hut and he had the door closed, talking on the phone. All she could hear was alot of mumbling and the occasional sentence or two.

"No, were not married" she heard Morty say. Miss Ruby gasped. Just who is Morty talking to? She tried to listen in but with no luck. Perhaps Morty already had a girlfriend and was two timing her. She knew what would happen to him if he were. Lets just say the alligators would have a good feed. How she wished she had something special like Miss Jenny and Charles.

Miss Ruby needed something to stop her ruminating so she went to see how Mr Jeckyl was coming along with the clones. Just two more clones needed to be made and she would have her Ruby army complete. Their first job would be to solve who blew up her beloved golden bridge, second job to feed Morty to her alligators (perhaps??).

 

[Moses_Young]

The Great Chieftain didn't much like Morty's plan, but he reluctantly agreed to it - not so much for Morty's sake, but moreso for the Empress E-Ruby of Rubyland, who he had come to respect as a formidable and somewhat worthy opponent, despite her being female.

Morty had explained to the Great Chieftain that if E-Ruby had her clones investigate the destruction of her beloved golden bridge, she would determine that the crime had indeed been committed by the internationally notorious, insane and deranged warmonger, lieutenant K Harris... The clones would then determine that K Harris's motive was to cause loss to Miss Ruby in order that she would dump Morty... Further investigation would lead E-Ruby to discover that Morty was indeed, once upon a time, keen on the crazed warmonger, which would leave E-Ruby with one of only two logical conclusions, neither of which were favourable - 1) Morty had a preference for insane women who looked and behaved like men, or 2) Morty had a serious visual impairment, and was therefore not half the man he claimed to be.

The Great Chieftain of Mosestaria had a two-fold role in the scheme to put things right without E-Ruby discovering that her good friend Morty pretty much needed to use sound like a bat in order to navigate without the use of a special, secret, vision-enhancing technology, worn over the corneas of his defective eyes... 1) Moses needed to confess to E-Ruby that it had indeed been he who had destroyed her beloved bridge and 2) He needed to assassinate Karmala before she could do something similar, or worse, to the Empress E-Ruby of Rubyland.

When Karmala was assassinated, Morty could then propose to E-Ruby, and as part of her dowry, he would request that she pardon the Great Chieftain of Mosestaria (family is family, after all - even cousins on the father's side) and invite him to the wedding. No one had considered the possibility that the renowned Empress E-Ruby of Rubyland might not say yes...

Reluctantly, the Great Chieftain picked up the phone to call his arch-nemesis and admit responsibility for something he never would have considered, even if he were only a quarter of the Great Chieftain he already was.....

 

[Lanolin]

Alright time for bed Chipmunks. They curled up in their hammocks they had strung up between the trees and fell asleep, dreaming of going fishing. Miss Greenlips Hine had promised to take them on an adventure the next day.

Lanolin had to return to the Beehive for the cabinet reshuffle and the other ladies had to go back to Shortland Street.

I dont understand why you keep getting spammed by Miss Ruby, isnt she on an island with no electicity and no phone coverage?

Oh I dont know. Rachel just said I should just chuck my phone away. But Miss Ruby keeps sending me stuff and changing her address. Maybe shes hoping I will buy more mascara.

Rachel picked up plenty last time we dont need any more. Maybe just put a filter on it with the words 'wicked' '.com.au' and it will block anything coming from Australia. Also just dont answer your phone if you dont recognise the number, or its got a heap of zeroes or +61 prefix. Its probably a prank call.

President Lanolin resolved to do something about this in her next parliament briefing. She remembered when her dad used to constantly get sweepstake offers from Readers Digest, who were based in Australia. He never won anything and was saddled with worthless Readers Digest condensed books which no library would take.

She figured if she enacted the Spam Act and added some new clauses and enforced it there could also be fines for anyone spending too much time spouting rubbish about their personal lives on social media. And anyone making a nuisance of themselves online would only have all their junk mail send right back to them and clogging up their data so they could not send any more.

 

[Lanolin]

Santa showed up at the bbq with an eski and Burke broke open a beer can and trussed the chicken which he placed into the Weber to cook.

The men gathered around the barbie to swap recipes, while the women drank and talked about politics.

Are you right wing or left wing Dame Edna?

Im both, you cant fly on just one wing.

Too true, I heard Antarctica may be having elections next month.

Oh yes the penguins are finally going to have a democracy after being a dynasty for so long. The same thing will happen in Shittimstan I believe.

Did they have a coup?

Well Mr Hairy was impeached and I heard Mrs Hairy will now run for president.

What happened to Mr Hairy?

Oh he just couldnt get his act together

Maybe he should enrol in DEAD? The women all laughed.

Excuse me I must check on what the men are doing, have to make sure we dont all catch salmonella.

Dame Edna sidled up to the kettle. Delicious smells were coming from it. She said to the men you can tell when its done using this. She produced her magic wand.

 

[shittim]

Mrs. Hairy calls an emergency meeting with here Presidential campaign team about the direction of her campaign.

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Zipmouth was late to the bbq as she had as she decided to send the Gideons Bible with the letter inside to Miss Ruby, c/o Eden Island. Obviously the script was not meant to be hers. She would have to turn down the role and face the ire of Madame Doubtfire, but Miss Zipmouth was planning on leaving Evereverland for a new anonymous life in Lanolinland, where she wouldnt be recognised or harassed by any Chieftain looking for online order mistresses. She didnt really want Madame Doubtfire to pimp baby Jade out as a child star either. She dropped the parcel with the Bible inside to the post office box with no return address.

Miss Ruby, you can have the Chieftain, I am done with him.

Mr Right went on ahead with some yabbies and took baby Jade in the stroller.

By the time she arrived the yabbies were cooked and baby Jade and the other children were being entertained by the Chippettes and Kylie Minogue singing the Locomotion for their supper

 

[Lanolin]

President Lanolin got back to the Beehive and reshuffled her cabinet. She had made a deck of 68 pairs of cards with a ministry and picture on each one, and she placed them all on the card table in the middle of parliament. Each minister would get to pick one, and they would be allowed to swap but only if the other agreed and only once. They would then pair up and work on their minstries together.

She hoped that she would have enough ministers present that morning to pick each card. Then she put in a joker/wild card and whoever picked that one would get to be the official Beehive joker and they would get to have all the one liners, their face on tv and caricatured in all the political cartoons.

 

[Lanolin]

Mrs Hairy pulled a piece of paper from her new briefcase that she had stashed in the nurses locker on the set of Shortland Street

She had written on it important agenda items for her presidential campaign meeting.

1. New Shittimstan Banana Republic Flag -Green or Yellow?
2. Address the Monkey Pox conspiracy theories
3. Show your support and Shave Shittimstan
4. Santa Claus is coming to our town -are we ready?

Several copies were made and distributed round the room. Keisha was taking minutes and Rachel provided the scones.

Dr Chris Warner was on hand because he had heard it was an emergency but when he noticed that he was the only male in the staff room he got a bit flustered, after all, Rachel Hunter was there and whenever she was around he felt like he was having a heart attack.

 

[Ruby123]

Miss Ruby's phone rang and she looked to see who it was. It was the Chieftan. She was not in the mood to talk to the Chieftan as he was probably ringing to sing her that song "Bridge Over troubled water" Reluctantly she answered it.

"Good afternoon Chieftan" she said. The Chieftan then explained to Miss Ruby that it was he who had blown up her bridge. He said he was jealous of her Ruby triangle and that was the reason he did it. Miss Ruby was enraged and hung up the phone loudly in his ear. She ran over to Morty and explained what had happened. Morty acted as though he was disgusted even though he and the Chieftan had planned this scenario.

As Miss Ruby was relaying what happened she suddenly stopped mid sentence.

"It is very unlike the Chieftan to admit to this. Usually he likes to blame others or bends the truth. There is something very fishy about his story" Miss Ruby said.

"I think that having a wife and baby has changed him" replied Morty. "He may have softened, you know better himself for the sake of them" Morty replied.

"Possibly, he does seem to have changed slightly" Miss Ruby said. "I shall ring Miss Lanolin and invite her and her news team to do a story on it and see if they discover anything" Miss Ruby said. Just as she finished Eagle One and Three turned up on the island on the ferry. Miss Ruby and Morty were glad to see them.

 

[Lanolin]

After the meeting was over Dr Warner was feeling a bit funny.
It was the first time he had treated a chimp at Shortland Street and while he wasnt a trained veterinarian the clinic was in dire financial straits and needed all the patients they could get.
Mrs Hairy it turned out did not have monkey pox or chicken pox it was just she had an allergic reaction and was breaking out in hives due to stress. She was missing her husband and so Dr Warner referred her to a consultant psychiatrist for assessment.

He felt he needed a session on the couch himself and booked with Dr Feelgood. After seeing Rachel Hunter again it was like something inside him had been triggered. She had only been working at the clinic desk for a week as fill in but seeing her everyday at the reception was disconcerting.

I hear singing and there's noone there. I smell blossoms and the trees are bare. All day long I seem to walk on air I wonder why? I keep tossing in my sleep at night, and whats more I've lost my appetite! Stars that used to twinkle in the skies are twinkling in my eyes I wonder why?

Dr Feelgood pulled out her stethescope and listened to Dr Warners heart.

You dont need analysing, it is not so surprising, that you feel very strange but nice. Your heart goes pitter-pitter-patter. I know. just whats the matter. As Ive been there once or twice. Put your head on my shoulder You need someone thats older, and a rub down with a velvet glove...

Dr Warner was surprised. They did not normally use velvet gloves at Shortland Street. He always used surgical ones.

Dr Feelgood continued. There is nothing you can take, to relieve that pleasant ache.

what, not even panadol?

Dr Feelgood wrote his prescription on her ipad. The ipad converted her scribbly writing to readable text. She showed him the ipad. It said:

You're not sick, you're just in love.

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Greenlips Hines phone rang She saw the number was from Australia so she let it go to voicemail.
It was Miss Ruby again and she had left a message.

she opened her voicemail - President Lanolin didnt say she should delete them or divert them - and listened to miss Ruby's message.

This time it was straight foward. Miss Ruby was after some stories. It seems she didnt have any libraries in Rubyland, so Miss Greenlip Hine referred her to Miss Goodbooks, who had just recently returned from the fridge library in Antarctica.

Miss Goodbooks looked up Miss Rubys library record and said yes, but Miss Ruby has several overdue books, I will send her a reminder to return them before she can take out any more.

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Goodbooks thought maybe it wasnt a good idea to loan Miss Ruby all those war books that she'd never get through.
After all, she wasnt a tsarina, sumurai, warrior, ninja, viking, chess piece, or zombie. . She was an Empress fighting a Bogan War with clones. That was completely different. Also, it sounded more like a mash up of Star Wars and School of Rock. Didn't they fight AC/DC with Bach or opera or something? Or was it Tschiakovsky's 1812 overture?

Nevermind.
Browsing the returns trolley, she saw Liane Moriaritys Big Little Lies had been returned along with several Louise Bagshawe novels. Maybe Miss Ruby would enjoy some chick lit for a change to take her mind off things (men?)

 

[Lanolin]

At the BBQ Miss Zipmouth had pulled Madame Doubtfire aside and said I love your potato salad but..
Madame Doubtfire immediately knew. The role will go to Miss Bum Bum instead.

That was showbiz though, there would always be an understudy or body double waiting in the wings. Kylie's sister Danni knew that.

The Irwins and the Minogues batted the ball around while the Moriartys gushed over Ednas magic wand.
Liane was especially keen. Look it can fix any meal. All you do is wave it over the food. Then its safe to eat. I wish I had one.

Burke was keen to show off his prize gladdies to Edna.
She of course wanted to know his secret.

Unicorn poo! He said.

While Lionel did his best to fit in after about an hour he was feeling drained because even though the food was delicious all the aussie accents were starting to grate on him and he felt he couldnt speak normally. Oh how he longed to return to Lanolinland! Miss Zipmouth was the only one who truly understood.

 

[Lanolin]

The guinea pig hack team were dumbfounded that Miss Ruby could be so dense. Even they could figure it out for themselves that He who must not be named was a lazy bum who never did a days work in his life and just wanted to steal Miss Ruby's fortune, made obvious by the fact that she was named after an expensive jewel.

The whole thing was a farce. His gangster initiated family was no better and if they got close enough they would take her lock stock and barrel and all her rubies with her. They weren't even interested in who she was as a woman or even a human being, It was the Chieftains insatiable love of money - the root of all kinds of evil. Plain and simple.

There was no real honor among thieves though, they admired anyone that could steal, kill and destroy.

 

[jennymae]

Ms Bobbie-Jo accepted the position deep down below the dungeons because she then got full access to the internet traffic between Ms Jenny and the rest of the world”. She was thrilled like never before. One day she got wind of some interesting communication between Ms Jenny and Ms Ruby. She took the liberty of printing out an excerpt of what was being said.

Ms Ruby: Yes, my intel shows that lieutenant Harris blew up the bridge, but strategically it might could be better blaming the Chieftain. What you say?

Ms Jenny: I don’t know, but clearly it would be better because if word came out that lieutenant Harris had fled from my custody, that ain’t good. It’s better that lieutenant Harris goes down.

Ms Ruby: My sources have informed me that her boss back in America is ready to sacrifice her.

Ms Jenny: Well, in that case, on a whim, I suggest that we let her take the fall.

Ms Ruby: I agree. I’ll ship her back to Jennymaesia so you can incarcerate her.

Ms Jenny: Deal!

Ms Ruby: Sooo…what about that friend of yours?

Ms Jenny: Don’t mention it lol, I have placed out of sight and out of mind.

Ms Ruby: Good, I hear she’s sweet on Charles lol.

Ms Jenny: She’s sweet on every man lol.

Ms Ruby: (inaudible speech)

Ms Jenny: (Mumbling)

Ms BJ started thinking about what she had just heard…

 

[Lanolin]

President Lanolin was disturbed that Miss Greenlips Hine kept getting spam from Miss Ruby, or someone using Miss Rubys alias. Huh its probably He who must not be named up to his old tricks again.

She knew that if Miss Ruby ever wanted to contact her and she had NOT drunk the blue milk or played a prank, she would send her birds with a cloud message and President Lanolin would instantly read it, and she would be respond by sending clouds and her birds back.

For the past few days things had been fine except that one strange day when the sky has turned dark around 2pm. Things werent going so well in Rubyland. It didnt take long. By the time Presient Lanolin had arrived back at Beehive some Australian seagulls started landing at the square outside and disturbing her parliamentary session.

Caw caw caw! They made such a racket that the cabinet reshuffle had to stop and she had to go outside and ask what had happened.

Caw caw caw!

what? Miss Ruby's been sacked?

Caw caw caw!

Her bridges are burned?

Caw caw caw caw caw!

He who must not be named joined forces with who?

caw caw caw caw!

Huh. well I dont really know who she is but you go find her and tell your mates to go drop a load on her. That really is despicable.

The seagulls flew off to find their target.

 

[Lanolin]

The Chipmunks were having an adventure. Miss Greenlips Hine had taken them fishing but they had not fished up an island instead they had gone white baiting in the river and fished up a good feed of whitebait fritters.
The she took them to Eden park where the All Blacks were practising and taught them the haka. Alvin particularly liked the part where he could stick his tongue out while stamping his feet and thumping his chest, playing the hairy man.

After that she took them to the sky tower, where they had a high tea dinner (mostly containing nuts, soy and dairy) with 360 views and entrusted them to Sir Peter's Weta workshop, which was in the same complex. They had a hotel suite nearby and were staying in next room to Mrs Hairy who would keep an eye on them. Sir Peter had plans to cameo the Chipmunks in his next film shorts.

Now if anything happens and there is a GENUINE emergency dial this number for Shortland Street or pizza. They are just a few blocks away.

aye aye Captain! said Theodore
We'll behave, promised Simon
Haumi e, Hui e, Taiki e! roared Alvin, who was practicing his Te Reo.

Miss Greenlips Hine had to go back to the Beehive for the cabinet reshuffle. She really hoped to get the ministry she wanted.

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Dolly asked at the local nail salon whether Miss Jenny had been lately.

She had her tips done here last week, said one of the girls snapping her gum. Ah think she's getting her claws into her Mister Dreamy with the plummy voice. She'll latch on to him so tight, he won' be able to escape.

Is that so? said Miss Dolly. She didnt really have time to gossip. Even though the Blackboard Nail Salon was gossip central.

Well, ahm jes seein' if she's in town.

You'll see them in the Sweet Winn-Dixie High homecoming Queen parade next week Ma'am. She never misses it, all the alumni of Phi Pita Bread Gamma will be there.

Well thank you hun.

 

[Ruby123]

Miss Ruby was quite confused. The Chieftan admitted to blowing up her golden bridge but apparently it was this hideous woman who looked and acted like a man K. Harris. She comes from America and her boss is ready to give her up. Who is this crazy woman, Miss Ruby thought?

Morty who seemed to be spending alot of time on his phone lately poured a glass of champagne for him and Miss Ruby and they sat and talked.

"Morty, who is that hideous woman K. Harris" Miss Ruby said. Morty shrugged his shoulders and did not seem to want to continue talking about it. "And why on earth did the Chieftan confess to blowing up my bridge when he obviously didn't" Miss Ruby continued. "What exactly is going on"

"Why have all these seagulls arrived here and why did Miss Lanolin send me all these library books. Has everyone gone insane" Miss Ruby asked.

Morty did not want to say a word. He did not want Miss Ruby to know the identity of the hideous woman. At that moment Morty received a text. As he looked to see who it was his face turned pale and he became very whoozy. He stumbled on his feet and Miss Ruby could not catch him as he was too heavy for her. He fell flat on the floor. Splat!!

Eagle Three and One who were visiting the island and nearby lifted Morty up and Morty regained consciousness.

"What is going on Morty" Miss Ruby asked.

Eagle One and Three along with Morty exchanged worried and fearful glances and all three were unwilling to talk.