The Banned Game

[Lanolin]

President Lanolin sighed, this new recreational ministry portfolio seemed even more work than the creative arts broadcasting ministry but at least she had finally gotten rid of the false spam advertising coming from Rubyland and Jennymaesia, banned dogs, and now all kiwis, guinea pigs and chipmunks were protected and safe. The beaches were also safe from vomiting whales, and the Mosetarians eagle killing baby kidnappers had been scared away, as they knew if they ever tried to set foot on Lanolinland, they would be dead meatballs.

Speaking of meatballs, Kevin had now arranged the entire FIFA World Cup tournament and everything was set up. He was going to do sports commentary, and as long as nobody streaked on the football field, it looked like it was all go.

Shortland Streets plots were geting thicker now Kirsty was back. Rachel decided to dye her hair green again as Kirstys hair was platinum blonde, she was the original blonde bombshell. Now they were fielding more patients as people came just to see her and Mittens instead of being treated for accidents and emergencies, ACC claims went through the roof.

Most of the accidents were from players sports injuries, not wearing appropriate footwear, or falling out of trees in the Chipmunks playground.

if Miss Greenlips Hine had been distracted by foreign daytime soaps before, it had nothing on Shortland Street. But she made good on her promise and tended to her underwater kelp forest daily. If she was secretly seeing a Red Beanie, all the better.

The young Lanolinlanders were looking forward to their Santa Parade.

and those graduating out of high school now had a free 3 year husband and wife course tertiary package they could attend if they wanted to obtain their MRS and Mr degree. The qualification was a marriage certificate and you had to enrol after passing your drivers licence. The first two years were segregated, males and females went to separate schools and learned how to be themselves, and then the third and final year they were co-ed and learned how to get along together. If they did not choose the marriage certificate they could do other qualifications to get either a Bachelors, Spinsters, Masters, Doctors or Mistress degree.

At then end of the course the postgraduates attended either a marriage ceremony or a capping ceremony, and they would all walk down the aisle of main street in town and throw either their caps or bouquets. Anyone who caught the bouquet would win a free honeymoon/sabbatical to Rarotonga.

 

[Lanolin]

Lanolinland Lovers Day was set for November 12th after the Picture Book Awards Ceremony on the 11th and the Farmers Santa Parade would be the following weekend.

Mrs Hairy asked when they were going to celebrate Donut Day as thats what she did in Shittimstan.

When's that? asked Keisha.

Everyday is Donut Day in Shittimstan. signed Mrs Hairy.

 

[Lanolin]

The guinea pig hackers on assignment in Antarctica grew increasingly bored with the whole Rubyland/Mosetarian Fortnite Battle Royale, now it was Miss Ruby had drunk some more blue milk and was trying to get He who must not be Named married off to one of her BumBum clones, who would then self- distruct leaving him a cold and lonely widow.

He who must not be named glued his eyes to the screen even more and pushed the Rubyland buttons furiously, trying to punch her and the Barney type monster out.

The Baby Alive doll wailed. It was not getting enough attention from his subsitute daddy who was far to busy fighting battles to feed and change him.

MissBumBum had enough brains to abandon both of them and leave on a screaming motorcycle with another bogan to Evereverland. There, Madame Doubtfire trained her up to be a Priscilla.

She also attended the Gladioli Cup races, where unicorns trotted around wearing gladioli and she could wear a fancy hat. It was rumoured that the possums had now bred a super unicorn called Far Out Lap and she was winning all the races.

The Guinea Pigs didnt know what to believe, but they knew who was on Santas new naughty list.

 

[Lanolin]

Prince William drove on to Great Barry Island. He was getting hungry and hoping there would be a road side stand selling Mosetarian Meatballs to feed to the alligators. And himself.

Princess Charlotte had threatened a meltdown but he had skilfully avoided it by distracting her with the giant rabbit. It was now riding in the backseat of the SUV. But he wondered what his wife would say when they got back to the hotel.

 

[Lanolin]

Prince William drove the Silly Useless Vehicle past mcDonalds, Hungry Jacks, KFC. Pizza Hut, Subway, Krispy Kreme Donuts, Red Rooster, Dominos, Nandos, and Burrito Bar.

Princess, none of these places seem to offer Mosetarian Meatballs. William wrinkled his brow.

Princess Charlotte pouted. How are we going to feed the alligators? That's their favourite food!

Did they have a second favourite food?

Um. Princess Charlotte thought hard. Pineapple lumps?

 

[Ruby123]

It seems that this power/engagement ring had gone to Tzipora's head. She was becoming tyrannical. Miss Jenny and Charles flew to Antartica to give Tzipora a luxurious makeover before her nuptials to the Chieftan. Tzipora was difficult the whole time. She complained about the lipstick, mascara, colours and foundation. Miss Jenny usually a patient person reached her limit and tipped a bowl of flour over Tzipora's head grabbing Charles hand and boarded the aeroplane to leave Antartica. Tzipora was furious.

Later on that day Tzipora rang Miss Lanolin to talk about photos and how she wanted to make the cover of all the glossy magazines. Miss Lanolin could only offer that to her on two of the magazines. Tzipora ranted and raved and Miss Lanolin hung up on her.

Tzipora flew to Eden Island and met with Miss Ruby as she requested to marry on the Eden Island golden bridge. Miss Ruby and Tzipora walked the bridge so that Tzipora could see it. The whole time she complained criticizing the bridge so half way up Miss Ruby pushed her off the bridge into the water. She was very lucky that Lochie the purple creature was asleep at the time as Tzipora could have easily become Lochie's lunch and the Chieftan would have been without his beloved.

It seemed that Tzipora had become Bridezilla. Miss Ruby sent her back to Antartica where she could give the Chieftan a hard time instead.

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Ruby was obesssed with Miss Tizzy and had forgotten that she had changed her name to Miss Zipmouth and moved to Lanolinland, and was under witness protection, because He who just not be named had tried to kill her baby who'd turned out to be a girl.

Possibly because Miss Ruby had drunk the blue milk or not bothered to read any of the documents Miss Goodbooks had provided. The fake girlfriend known as Miss Bum Bum had been posing as Miss Tizzy all the while, but she had left too, and the bubba that He who must not be named had was actually a baby alive doll that He who must not be named insisted was a boy that looked just like him.

She was not going to marry He who must not be named anytime soon.

Miss Zipmouth was no relation to Joe Biden, a robot, a clone or anything else. She was now a semi perrmanent cast member of Shortland Street and was living with a baby Jade in the nurses flat with other cast members. This had been going on for quite some time.

Miss Ruby was under severe delusion. Wake up!
Miss Lanolin was not interested in taking any photographs of Miss Rubys dream world. He who must not be named had thoroughly hoodwinked her.

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Zipmouth are you ok?

Rachel asked as she was preparing leftover a bbq smoothie for baby Jade in her bulimibaby machine.

Miss Zipmouth was having a lie down on the sofa and wasnt feeling up to work. She had a part time job at Shortland Street doing wardrobe and so was mostly behind the scenes. The cast members usually took their costumes to her to be fitted and mended and she would sew them up at the nurses flat.

Mr Right has forgotten me, it seems he is still obssessed with his old flame, Kirsty. And now shes turned up on Shortland street. What do I do? Of course he'll try and get back with her. They were married. And Im just a single mother. Miss Zipmouth smiled sadly.

Baby Jade, nearly toddling, was busy putting her books to bed. She treated each one with care, and had given them little blanket covers.

Well, you can possibly make a play for Dr Warner as Im growing a bit tired of him. Hes always sending me agapanthus. Its crowding me out.

But what will that do?

as soon as he sees you are interested in someone else, It will make him want you even more.

Huh, that doesnt make sense!

Its called jealousy.

 

[Lanolin]

The penguins in Antarctica wanted Nermal to stay as he was so very cute. We have our elections coming up. We will vote you cutest kitty-cat and you can be the ruler of our new Antarctic Republic.

Mr Young the new librarian, had also fallen in love with the furry grey cat. He was too cute to resist.

Nermal let this all go to his head and was quite happy to stay in Antarctica amongst adoring fans rather than be exiled yet again to the South Island to live amongst the dogs. He also wanted to be near the new Tip Top icecream factory.

Besides Mr Young was lonely. His collection of books and baby alive doll no longer satisfied him, and his mother always nagged him to put on an extra polar fleece.

 

[Lanolin]

Prince William's stomach was now rumbling but there were no Mosetarian Meatballs to be had.
His daughter suggested they go back to the Big Pineapple they had been to the day before and get some pineapples lumps to feed to the alligators. Also her new giant rabbit might like them too.

well, alright. It doesnt seem too far.

Princess Charlotte was pleased. Maybe she'd get to see Empress Ruby after all. Surely she would come out of hiding in her mansion once she found someone was feeding her alligators with their second favorite food

 

[Lanolin]

It was Mrs Hairy who encouraged Miss Zipmouth to sit the Lanolinland citizenship test with her. It would be more fun if they did it together.

They had to taste five different Lanolinland foods, blindfolded and name them

Memorise five different Lanolinland items/objects or 'Kiwiana' as it was known.

Sing or sign the National Anthem - God Defend Lanolinland

and throw a gumboot or shear a sheep. Kevin added that one in.

Ok whats this Mrs Hairy? asked Miss Zipmouth. It looked kind of like a flyswatter, but with no handle and there were two of them

 

[Lanolin]

When Prince William and Charlotte got to the Big Pineapple where they were had gone to the day before, they found it had disappeared and there was a sign saying the place had closed. The Big Pineapple had been harvested.

SORRY WE'RE CLOSED NO MORE PINEAPPLES said the sign.

 

[Lanolin]

Santa noted those on his naughty list, their crimes were becoming worse

Gaslighting, death wishes and insane jealousy amongst the girls
and the boys it was male chauvinism and arrogance.

He confided this to Mrs Santa Claus aka Dame Edna and she said well once they reach puberty it is known that boys and girls turn into horrible adults if they drink too much blue milk.

I have buried the naughty list under the tree in the backyard but it seems a stray dingo got in and dug it up.

Huh said Mrs Santa Claus. We must keep those pesky dingos out, I only let unicorns poo in my garden.

Where can we send those dingos to?

How bout we send them to Rubyland. I heard they have stolen Freds Loch Ness Monster and now the poor thing is being fed a diet of Mosetarian Meatballs.

Mosetarian Meatballs! I wouldnt feed those to my worst enemy! Dingos taste better and are healthier.

Poor Fred. He must be suffering from being robbed of his beloved monster. I dont know how he is coping without her. But maybe that is his due, after all the Royals are the biggest thieves in the history of the world.

 

[jennymae]

Ms Jenny wasn’t sure about how she was supposed to react regarding the wall of propaganda from one of the neighboring countries. It was like her country had been covered in propaganda pamphlets, pretty much like rascals would be rollin’ a house. She was a little impressed with the neighboring country’s ability to one way communication. That country did a whole lotta talkin’ but they sure ain’t did no listenin’. They probably were fast talking too, nothing like Ms Jenny’s slow-soft drawl. No wonder nobody listened to her. They’d forgotten about what she said initially whenever her first sentence was finished.

 

[kinda]

Some where far deep in the snowy Pacific North-West, a Sasquatch has awoken by the sound of seasoned hunters walking by with their prize..........

Bob the man who shot the dear dead said to his friend, this meat should last us the whole winter. Jeff joked, I drove us here, if you want to make it home, I would suggest you forfeit your claim. They both laughed, but inwardly they both didn't really like each other.



Just then, Ickthewatee the Sasquatch jumped out of her den, and bit Bob's head off. Jeff reached for his revolver (while still in shock), but the female bigfoot ripped open Jeff's stomach with one swoop, before Jeff could aim. Jeff tried to scream, but couldn't muster a sound, before Ickthewatee pounced on him with both fists, instantly crushing his skull.

The aroma from the blood of the freshly slaughtered buck, was just to much for Ickthewatee, since she was about to give birth to her offspring, and wanted to make sure she would be satisfied for the long winter. The lady Sasquatch wasn't to interested in human flesh, but she developed a taste for deer over the last summer.

Ickthewatee quickly gorged down the whole carcass of the hunted animal in 30 minutes. Then took an after dinner walk, while locating a place for shelter. She found an old den she used two years ago, so she decided to stay. Ickthewatee closed her eyes and fell asleep, the whole ordeal made her exhausted.

 

[Lanolin]

No more pineapples! Read Princess Charlotte. But she could see that the place was empty.

What are we going to do Papa? Empress Ruby's alligators will be hangry!

Prince William had a sneaky suspicion of who had stolen the Big Pineapple. And who had eaten all the Mosetarian Meatballs.

Dont worry Princess looks like theres another Pineapple Palace just north in Evereverland. We could go there.

Well...ok but we have to make sure we see Empress Ruby. Otherwise our Family Fun Adventure will be ruined.

 

[Lanolin]

Mrs Hairy wrote down Japovian Safety Shoes as her answer. Miss Zipmouth said...not quite.

Mrs Hairy then gave the blindfolded Miss Zipmouth a Lanolinland food to taste

Hmm it tastes very sweet, like its chocolate covered....pineapple chewy lolly. I think its called a Chocolate Pineapple Chew.

 

[Lanolin]

Kevin was going over his FIFA tournament list and saw Kindagartenland had entered a team.

President Lanolin this is a new team I dont think they have ever played us before.

Kindagartenland?

Its somewhere in the Pacific Northwest. They claim they have a female bigfoot.

Isn't that an unfair advantage?

Well the rules say we cant discriminate on size feet in FIFA. Just that there are 11 to a team, so 22 feet.

They can play the Evereverland Priscillas. I heard they'll be wearing crocs.

 

[Lanolin]

Mrs Santa Claus arranged for a big wall built around Evereverland's borders to keep out the stray dingos wandering in and digging up Santa's toilet paper.

It was like the wall of mirrors surrounding Jennymaesia but on her side she had pasted all the letters Santa got from his fans, while the dingo side was mirrors to scare the dingos away when they saw their own reflection.

that is if they got past the prickly pear hedge, beer soaked billabong and aloe vera border.

Santa Claus was going for fittings as he was suiting up ready for his first mall appearances. This time he didnt have to wear any mask, and he had grown his moustache and beard so luxuriously long that it frothed and sparkled like tinselled cotton wool.

Mrs Santa Claus said here keep this just in case. She stuck a magic wand in the side of his boot.

Now if anyone gets too fresh, just whack them with these. She also gave him a pair of jandals.

 

[Lanolin]

The Pop Up Pineapple Palace Theatre in Evereverland had a sign it was going to open soon.

It was still under construction and had yet to 'pop up' plus the players were still rehearsing or practisng.

Prince William saw this info on his Super Intelligent Phone which gave him a warning message that it was not the right time to go, at least, not today. It then booked tickets for the following Saturday matinee, on the day before they were meant to leave.

Princess I have bad news the Pinepple Palace isnt open either. We cant get any pineapple lumps today. Or Mosetarian Meatballs to feed the alligators

But...

how about we just snap some photographs of them instead?

But we are ALWAYS taking photographs! It's boring!

Prince William had to agree, posing for photos wasnt exactly the most fun thing to do in the world. But he was a Royal, it came with the job.

How about we just wave our flags at them. Oh look theres some flowers by the road. Lets pick some and give them to Empress Ruby. Princess Charlotte had seen the gladiolis leading to Evereverland.

I dont think Empress Ruby is actually home. Why not see if we can visit Santa Claus instead. And Im sure he would like to see your Easter bunny.

Santa Claus? But he's a boy...and I dont really believe in him.

Or you could see Mrs Santa Claus?

Prince william continued driving. He was going past the Unicorn trotting club. Charlotte saw it first. UNICORNS!

The Empress Ruby and her alligators were forgotten. It was just as well they didnt go back, because Lochie was also hangry and would have eaten Princess Charlotte's feet because he had a liking for pink crocs. They tasted like marshmallows.