The Banned Game

[Ruby123]

"Husband, What?? Oh no, who did I marry whilst I was an amnesiac" E Ruby cried.
"This is terrible news, E Ruby's don't marry. We are far too busy running an empire"
She called for Mr Hulk.
"Mr Hulk, I have an urgent request. Please find out whom I married and please cancel this trip I have booked behind a refrigerator"
"And please hire me a divorce lawyer immediately" she roared.

 

[Moses_Young]

"Wait... Can she hear us?" asked Tzipora. "How did she know what we were just talking about?"

The Chieftain shrugged. "Perhaps it is a plot to confuse us. But I'm sure she said 'My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.” Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge." "

"Ha, ha," laughed Mordecai. "It was a joke. She is saying she can't throw darts."

"Nonsense!" argued the Chieftain. "She led the armies of Rubyland against Mosestaria, and you're telling me she can't throw darts. I suspect this is some sort of trap, and she's trying to lull us into a false sense of security with respect to her deadly aim with the humble - possibly poisoned - dart."

Looking directly into the International-Spy-Vision, E Ruby exclaimed angrily "This is what I was talking about before. These constant wars are taking their toll on me. I just want to go back to the normal civilian life working happily at a pizza shot..."

Mordecai, Tzipora and the Great Chieftain exchanged shocked glances, and hurriedly scrambled for the remote control to turn the International-Spy-Vision off because E Ruby could say any more.

 

[Lanolin]

The Baroness was received at Caesars Buckingham Palace where the royal reporters snapped her with Camilla and Charles. It was much better lighting, and she could advise Camilla on hair dye. Mauve is my colour, but I think you'll do well with red, my dear possum.

Charles gave her some tips on gladioli growing.

You put them in the ground in late winter then they come up in summer, said Charles. Marvellous things, said Charles. They would make a great national flag for Evereverland too.

The Baroness sat back in her box seat and enjoyed the show. It was a Royal Command performance of all the ones who didnt make it on Britains Got Talent. The royals loved watching things like this.

Then at intermission the Baroness checked her polls to track how the One MAN vote was coming along.

 

[jennymae]

In an underground wig shop the idea hit Ms Jenny like a left hook. She needed a vacation. Dealing with chieftains, Megs, treasonous intelligence officers and climbing hairdressers had been exhausting. The clerk suggested a blonde wig with bangs. “Should make for a nice opportunity to attract the attention you truly deserve”, she said in a sweet saleish way. Ms Jenny was gazing at her own image in the mirror. The blonde hair made her look stunning. Add new makeup and shades and nobody would recognize her. She could travel incognito to Monaco or some other stylish places. She felt posher than ever before. She even dropped using JForce 1, and booked an economy class trip to Europe.

She had to fight her way into the crowded airplane, and a single mother with three brats made her life miserable. The very unposh woman downed three mini sized bottles of booze before takeoff, and then, in a very thick accent, doubtlessly an accessory to her intake of booze, told Ms Jenny everything about her trials and ordeals before she dozed off.

For two whole hours nothing happened. Then a man started yelling in the aisle. “This is the Jennymaesian Resistance movement, we are hijacking this plane. We demand that the evil Empress turns loose every member of our movement or else!” The man had a wild look on his face.

 

[Lanolin]

It turned out the Empress had swanned off to Europe and was not going to meet Rachel Hunter in Rubyland after all. But having been to all the beauty spots around the globe except for Rubyland, ms Hunter was determined to get some shots in the can for her Tour of Beauty lifestyle show interviewing Empress Ruby on her mascara empire.

She had been all over the globe invesitgating famous weddings including Muriels Wedding in which Toni Collete gained 20 pounds, Pippa Middleton talking about her famous backside bridesmaid dress, all the big fat gypsies and greek weddings, and all the Bachelorettes.

What about your own wedding Ms Hunter? Asked MIss Greenlips Hine.

Ha, laughed Rachel, tossing her blonde mane. I barely remember it, I was so drunk at the time.

Oh said Miss Greenlips Hine.

But Im planning another one that I WILL remember.

Oh really?

Yes. Just between you and me theres this cute guy who adores pizza and watches tv all day that Im dying to meet. Empress Ruby raves about him all the time. She says hes incredible.

arent they going together?

Not if I can help it! What about you anyone on the horizon?

Oh no I cant afford to get married. Plus if you dont stop talking to me this plane is going to crash.

 

[Moses_Young]

"Who are you?" E-Ruby asked the bearded man enquiring about work. It had been a busy week. The divorce lawyer hadn't dealt with a case where the wife had never actually met the husband before, and said the proceedings might be difficult if E-Ruby didn't even know what the husband looked like. She decided in the end it might just be easier to change her name back to Ruby. She was fairly certain there would be more Rubys in the world than E-Rubys, and a less conspicuous name might make her more difficult to track down for any tiresome, wannabe-husbands trying to find their amnesiac wives.

The prospective employee looked all-too-familiar. If she was not a recovering amnesiac, the lady formerly known as E-Ruby might have recognised that he bore striking resemblance to the man who had given her the expensive pen in a previous episode, and before that, the Great Chieftain she had committed Rubyland's army to defeat.
"I just love pizzas," replied the man. "All my life, I have dreamed about becoming employed in a pizza-production facility. I've been denied this opportunity all my life because..." the man wiped a solitary tear from his left eye "I can't prove I'm not Mosestarian."
Ruby looked suspiciously at the man. "Mosestaria? Isn't that the country entirely populated by criminals?"

 

[Ruby123]

E Ruby was confused, who is this Rachel Hunter and why is she after her pizza man? Who is my pizza man?
Whoever he is I hope he likes pineapple on pizza as E Ruby particularly liked this and olives.
She could not ponder on it any longer as she had to come up with a plan on what she was going to do with this spy camera.
It was positioned in the top corner of her window disguised as a bird. E Ruby's cat often would stare at it and try to swipe it with her paws.
She googled "how to get rid of spy cameras" and it came up with several good suggestions. She was reading through it when her divorce lawyer rang.
"How am I suppose to know who my husband is" she said to the lawyer. "I have not met him yet"
They had a lengthy conversation and the lawyer said he would find out just who this invisible man was.
E Ruby finished conversing with the man and wondered whether he really graduated from law school or not. I mean how difficult is it to find her husband whom she had not yet met.
She decided to distract herself and picked up the red wig a bird dropped in her garden the other day. Upon closer inspection she realised that this may be the missing hair of E Jennymae. She sent an email and took a photo of the wig and sent it to Jennymae. Jennymae replied, "not needed anymore, changed my hair to blonde"
E Ruby was shocked, E Jennymae was departing from her signature hair.

 

[Moses_Young]

Eagle Two was feeling a little ignored. Here he was, looking for a job, and the employee he was just speaking with is suddenly on the phone, chatting away with her divorce lawyer. Didn't she care that he was unable to obtain his "I'm not Mosestarian Passport", and the current premier of the region was rolling out his very popular "No I'm-Not-Mosestarian-Passport, No Job" policy?

As Eagle Two started strolling sadly away from the pizza store, a 296GTB Ferrari pulled up beside the store, and its passenger door opened up.

"Hello brother!" a familiar voice exclaimed.

Eagle Two's face brightened, when he recognised the face of the driver. It was Eagle Three. "But how..." he began.

"Get in brother," instructed the other. "I came across something very valuable... I'll tell you all about it on the way."

Eagle Two jumped into the waiting vehicle, and within seconds, it had disappeared into the distance.

 

[Ruby123]

As Eagle Three and Eagle Two sped away in the stolen Ferrari they passed a lone man hitchhiking in the direction of Mosestaria. As they approached him Eagle Two yelled out to Eagle Three "Stop"
It turns out that the hitchhiker was in fact their other brother Eagle One. He was making his way back after picking up some take away pizzas.
He jumped in the car and all three of them continued their journey back to Mosestaria.
He unpacked the pizzas and the three of them munched on them.
"This is nice" remarked Eagle Three. "Love the pineapple and olives."
"Not bad" said Eagle Two. "Could do without the pineapple, come to think of it, the olives as well."
Eagle One and Three rolled their eyes. Eagle Two was always the fussy eater.
"I have something very valuable in my backpack to show everyone" whispered Eagle Three. "I will reveal it tonight"
Eagle Two and One wondered what it could be.

 

[jennymae]

Ms Jenny sat fearful in her economy class seat. The hijacker hadn’t recognized her. He was trailing right behind the stewardess all the time with a tazer in his hand. Sometimes he was yelling anti Empress slogans and described Ms Jenny in the most derogatory terms he seemed to know. She wasn’t aware that she was a central part of a horse’s behind, or that she had fallen off the ugly tree and hit all the branches on her way down. The single mother whispered to her that she was scared of the man, but that she did agree with him regarding the evil Empress. Ms Jenny’s face went grim.

The man approached her seat. “Hey there, sweetie, why don’t you come along and have some fun?” he said and was flirting with her. “If you behave maybe I’ll play nice too”. Ms Jenny tried to smile.

 

[Moses_Young]

"Oh, well, aren't you just so... handsome..." Jenny forced a smile at the brute, so as not to give rise to a more immediate assault. If she had been a vet, she would probably know that this specimen was one of the best examples of a horse's behind that most people would ever come across, but she was not, and did not delve into such uncouth research herself. As for ugly trees, she knew that a forest of them would not be enough to explain this scoundrel's appearance.

One hand in her handbag, she nervously stroked the shearing-scissors that her assailant had left behind when he had stolen her beautiful hair. She had kept them with her since that day, with the intention to try and identify the man at some stage in the future, one way or another. She didn't know what to do next. Something told her that the implement offered a solution to her current predicament, but she couldn't think how. And the evil man staring intently at her seemed to be getting impatient...

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Greenlips Hine swerved the plane to dodge the eagles, or was it vultures that had suddenly appeared on the horizon out of nowhere.

It seemed she had reached the Bermuda Triangle of the Pacific airzone, where there was a huge Garbage Patch of plastic rubbish in the sea below her.

OH NO! She cried. Below her as far as the eye could see was a floating dump of plastic tyres drifting from the former land of Mosetaria.

Rachel, who was looking aghast out the window, couldnt believe her eyes. She had never seen such ugliness before. All those years of microdemabrasians and exfoliations hadnt prepared her for this sinkhole of debris that was the detritus of the 'Beauty Industry' ...plastic tubes, old toothbrushes, razorblades, dirty cotton balls, nail polish remover and lipstick stained tissues, discarded silcone gel implants, hair dye, out of date clothing, broken stilettos, empty pantene shampoo and conditioner bottles...and all the tangled hair that was washed down the sink.

 

[Lanolin]

After a resounding rastafarian reggae performance by Vicky Pollard which almost earned her a standing ovation the Baroness went to check her polls.

No votes for He Who Must Not Be Named
1 vote for Moses123
3 million sixhundred and sixty two votes for Santa Claus

 

[Moses_Young]

The three Eagles sat around a campfire nearby a desert-side road, the 296GTB Ferrari parked quietly to the side. Eagle Two and Eagle One came to learn that their brother-clone's Ferrari was not stolen - or at least - not stolen directly - as a narrator had falsely insinuated in a previous episode. It had actually been purchased legitimately, with funds obtained through the sale of some beautiful, blazing-red, magical hair, which had been appropriated (perhaps the less forgiving might even say, stolen) from some sort of mythical creature. The older Eagles nodded approvingly at the youngest Eagle. They might have had even more respect if they'd known the fate of the hijacker, who, at that moment, was coercively demanding affections of the same - the former empress of Jennymaesia, in a blonde-wig disguise.

"Now, I have something very valuable in my backpack to show everyone!" Eagle Three announced.
The older brothers crowded around the backpack, and gasped in amazement and wonder at the sight that met there eyes. There, within Eagle Three's backpack, was a small trimming of the beautiful, blazing-red, magical hair that Eagle Three had been telling them about.

"It's beautiful!" exclaimed Eagle One appreciatively.
"It's blazing-red!" whispered Eagle Two excitedly.
"Yes, and it's also magical," announced Eagle Three in a matter-of-fact tone. "That's not actually what I was showing you. What I was showing you were these here three I'm-Not-Mosestarian Passports. This opens up to us a world of opportunities." he continued.

"I will be able to work at a pizza shop and make as many ham and pineapple pizzas as I like!" beamed Eagle One. "With olives", he added.
"And I will be able to work at a pizza shop and make as many ham and pineapple pizzas as I like!" beamed Eagle Two. "Without the ham and without the pineapple, obviously," he added. "Also without the olives."
"But what should happen to us if we are discovered to be using fake I'm-Not-Mosestarian Passports", asked Eagle One. "Surely there is some degree of risk involved?"
"That's the beauty of this plot", explained Eagle Three. "All liability is on the employer. If something goes wrong, we just wring our hands apologetically, explain that we didn't realise we actually were Mosestarian and that the Passports were fake, and its the employer that gets fed to the alligators!"
Eagle Two clasped his hands together excitedly. "What could possibly go wrong?" he asked rhetorically, his face beaming and his gold tooth winking continually in the firelight.

 

[Lanolin]

I think I am going to be sick, gagged Rachel, gripping the armrest. And its not bulimia, she added.

Miss Greenlips Hine handed her a brown paper bag that had the crumbs of her lunch in it, while simultaneous radioing for help

Pounamu to LALA...May day may day! We have a situation do you read me over.

The radio crackled. LALA picked up. LALA here, what is it this time?

Miss Greenlips Hine heard more gagging sounds. We may have to detour to Papua New Guinea. The Eagles have landed.

What have they landed on?

Spare tyres, hang on wait a minute. She looped the plane closer to the sea. Amid the debris, plastic junk silicone and empty red bull cans she could see something else floating in a basket.

Ms Hunter do you mind opening the window and popping your head out? Some sick got caught in your hair and its kind of smelly

The blonde supermodel flung open the emergency window hatch and gasped. She saw it too.

What is that?

its... A baby doll in a basket

No its not a baby doll...its a real live baby in a basket.

LALA was straining to hear. Pounamu what's going on?

 

[Ruby123]

E Ruby wanted to give poor Mr Hulk some much needed help. He was working 24/7 and was looking a little tired.
She decided to hire some new much needed staff members. She needed one gardener and two handymen to be exact.
She placed these job vacancies in the local paper and in small print she wrote "must not be Mosestarian" so not to offend.

The last thing she wanted was Mosestarian's living in Rubyland. The friction between the two countries went way back, all the way to her great, great, great, great grandmother. It was said that Grandma Rubina had hired a Mosestarian as her personal chef. After preparing her meal one day she became violently ill. We believed he tried to poison her but he swears it was a bad case of salmonella and was the butchers fault who sold him the chicken. Things just went from bad to worse and the feud has been continuing ever since.

She waited to see whom would apply. She gazed out of her window looking at the great big wall that divided her land from the Mosestarians. It was Mr Hulks brilliant idea of stacking tyres up the entire wall, filling them with soil and planting red flowers in the tyres that made Ruby decide to hire the much needed new staff. Poor Mr Hulk could not complete this enormous project on his own although he would over see it. As new tyres were needed to be melted and converted to mascara, they would be picked off from the great wall and replaced by others. A sea of red flowers growing up the wall gave Ruby great delight. Perhaps it would make it to one of the seven great wonders of the world, although it would have to be the eighth.

Meanwhile, the mascara business was doing well. Women from around the world bought the mascara and it was voted number one in the world. Tizzy, Moses's mistress seemed to be a new client.

"Agh, not that nosey gossiper" Ruby remarked. "Hasn't she caused enough trouble for us three Empress's by spreading fake news to the paparazzi, then claiming she is innocent"

E Ruby decided to not send Tizzy mascara made in Rubyland but instead replace it with the cheap stuff from the two dollar shop.

Tizzy eagerly awaited her mascara arrival and applied it liberally. Moses and Tizzy did their daily walk and Tizzy's mascara became very sticky and gluggy. Her eyes began to stick together sometimes as she blinked and when that happened she walked into things.

Moses who was not so patient at times with Tizzy said "Keep up Tizzy and watch where you are walking" as she regularly walked into the green bins and electricity poles.

"I dont know why this mascara has been voted number one in the world" Tizzy whined. "It seems to be rather sticky if you ask me and sometimes when I blink my eyes keep shut. I have walked into so many bins and poles today Moses. Why are the women raving about this stuff around the world."

 

[shittim]

Meanwhile... Hairy, looking for a new gig... Tries a new identity before applying for gardening work.......

 

[jennymae]

The man put the tazer to her head. “I hear these things could easily fry your brain like a Texas tailgate BBQ party…now, are you coming or not?” Ms Jenny nodded slowly. She felt like a toad on its way down to the dark and smelly belly of a Water Moccasin. He grabbed her arm and pulled her out of her seat. She regretted the choice of shoes. The stiletto heels made it hard to keep the balance when her knees where fixin to crumble. “See, it ain’t that hard”, the man said comfortingly, “in 20 minutes we will be landing in Mosestaria, where there will be a reception given by their great leader, and you, my dear, are gonna be my company.”

Ms Jenny was escorted to a black limousine waiting on the tarmac. Her kidnapper was greeted by a bearded man who had a rags to riches gold tooth in his mouth. It was the chieftain. “Job well done”, the chieftain said cheerfully to the man who held her arm in a tight grip. “I see you grabbed a little snack from the stewardesses on your way out too”, he said when he saw Ms Jenny. She wanted to let him know what a dreadful male chauvinist he was, but somehow her tongue wouldn’t cooperate. “Sure thing, Unca Moses, but I think she’s deaf and dumb.” They both laughed wickedly and the chieftain then said that being his uncle made him feel obliged to let him know that deaf and dumb was a derogatory term. This made them laugh even more. Yes, this was truly an evil empire.

 

[Lanolin]

We'll have to make an emergency landing said Miss Greenlips Hine, tightly gripping the controls

Rachel was astounded. But, there's no where to land! We're in the middle of the ocean!

Im glad I didnt take the Hercules..this is a Solent. It can land on water. I just need to climb and find a calm stretch. Dont lose sight of the baby

Rachel nodded, quickly pulled her blonde hair into a pony tail, and poked her head out the emergency hatch again. Mama's coming! she yelled.

Miss Greenlips Hine pursed her greenlips. This was turning out to be her most difficult mission to date.

Pounamu to LALA. We have a code Moses.

 

[jennymae]

The limousine spun out of the tarmac. Probably laying a ton of rubber on the asphalt or whatever a tarmac is made from. A typical Mosestarian way of handling things. Ms Jenny was offered Mosestarian liquor, probably of the moonshine brand, but she politely abstained. The two Mosestarians, a beard ridden uncle and his goatee nephew, was talking with hushed voices, yet she could hear her name, Ms Ruby’s name and Ms Lanolin’s name mentioned repeatedly.

Then, her arch enemy, the golden tooth, talked to her. He hadn’t recognized her. “My love, I’m so sorry about the troubles my nephew has caused you, but he’s not a very advanced minded person. He just does whatever whenever.” The chieftain laughed. “Unfortunately we have to follow protocol, meaning that we will have to interrogate you. Don’t you worry, though, our senior interrogator will personally se to it, Ms Tziapora. She has her own way with people…and sharpened metal instruments.”

Ms Jenny, at this point, was out. The horrors of torture were imminent. She had no satellite phone, nor any Jomés Band toys or really anything at all.

Ms Tziaspora entered the room. She was stunningly beautiful. Her hair was flowing down and her blue, cold eyes were gorgeous.

“Ah, my dear, the beard greeted her. We’ve got a beautiful nobody here we’d like to interrogate. She probably knows nothing, but I guess you could use the practice.”

The lady smiled sweetly at Ms Jenny. “My dear, it’s nothing personal, but as Mr chieftain says, I need to stay sharp. What kind of coffin would you like when we’re done here?”

Before Ms Jenny could faint again, the nephew weighed in. “Are you saying you’ll kill my date for tonight?” He was raising his voice. “Mr Moses Jr., that’s an unfortunate consequence of my skills.”

Ms Jenny was so scared that a rabbit being chased by a pack of coyotes would come across calm compared to her. Oh, if just Captain Biden or Captain Trump was here. The two geezer super heroes would have saved the day just by swinging by. But they were probably busy suing each other for malpractice.