The Banned Game

[Lanolin]

Santa Claus was managing his stock options ready for the big run up to Christmas. He was also preparing to relocate to Antarctica once the shipping lanes were clear. He had commandered 5 Russian icebreakers and paid them in wheat and potatoes which was like gold to them.

He was also....in love. It was Rudolph who first noticed the lovely Baroness who shimmered like a Christmas tree. Shes the ones for me, he smiled his eyes twinkling, as he merrily did the accounts. He was always in the red until Black Friday but come Boxing Day he would have made a profit of 50 trillion.

 

[Lanolin]

Santa Claus got letters all the time but somehow this one had slipped his notice. It was dated more than two decades ago.

Dear Santa
I have been a good boy all year. Mama says I must right you a letter to tell you wot I wosh for xmas.

My wosh is that I become King of the world
Like on the Titanic movie with my very own iceberg
so I can make slushy snowballs and get Ruby back for being mean to me.

I will leave out some leftover pizza with extra cheeze when you come down the chimney

I believe you
from mo

Oh dear thought Santa, stroking his beard. This young lad must have been waiting for many christmases and been disappointed each time. Well this year will be different!

 

[jennymae]

“Mr Sissy Clone!” Ms Jenny exclaimed when she saw him at the airport. “It’s so awfully good to see you! You must be exhausted! I have arranged an apartment for you in my mansion.” Mr Sissy Clone offered a smile and greeted her. Ms Jenny grabbed his hand they walked out to her limousine. “Ms Ruby told me on the phone that you were coming and that you’re planning on pursuing a career in the makeup industry!” Mr Sissy Clone confirmed that. “I have the perfect position for you”, Ms Jenny said excitedly. “It’s in my ‘Ruby Red Lips’ boutique in London. You’ll love it! Just imagine!” Ms Jenny was so happy that she hardly could keep her self from jumping up and down like a little girl. “Let’s get to London right now in my private jet”, she said to him placing both her hands on his shoulders. They both had long since forgotten about the apartment in Ms Jenny’s mansion. London appeared more adventurous to the two fashionistas.

 

[Lanolin]

The Duchess was putting the finishing touches to her new book 'The throne' the sequel to her best seller 'The Bench'. ' The Throne'was a potty training picture book for young royals and this time she had commisioned Tony Ross to do the illustrations after paying him a handsome sum, so that he could no longer accept work from her arch rival David Walliams, who had penned a very damaging book sullying her in-laws. It was called 'The Beast of Buckingham Palace"

Her husband didnt come off very well in that story either.

However things were looking up. Her new business, Megs Pegs Legs and Wigs was doing such a roaring trade that all the rich and famous came to look in her high street store for bargain priced Shittimstan designer knock offs, and one was coming in right now. Ding dong! went the bell

In came a rather shimmery Dame dressed a bit like a christmas tree with tinsel effect.
'Hello possums!' called a voice, pausing for dramatic effect.

'Good afternoon madam how do you do' said the Duchess

They exchanged pleasantries including talking about the English weather, which the Duchess could never get used to.

The Dame inquired if there were any red wigs in store.

Why yes one has just come in...all our wigs are guaranteed 100 percent pure virgin Jennymaesian hair.
Would you like to try one on?

'

 

[jennymae]

After a long haul Ms Jenny and Mr Sissy Clone finally touched down on Heathrow. They were in a good mood. The Champagne still hadn’t lost its kick. “What ya say we git one a them jolly ol’ London cabs?” Ms Jenny giggled. The aftermath of the French bubbles made her speech a suspicious sounding mix of Alabama English and UK English. Was she trying to impress Mr Sissy Clone? The clone was too polite to correct her. “Ya thumb one down?” she asked him. He looked at her a little surprised. “I what?” Ms Jenny chuckled and her cheeks went red. “Jusyagitacab?” The sissy clone laughed. “I think I’ll get a taxi to get us to Oxford Street.” Ms Jenny was impressed with this man. He knew her native English. The sissy clone on the other hand didn’t get a word from what she was saying, but reckoned that they ought to find some sort of transportation. As a note to self he noticed that Ms Jenny’s English was not easy to understand after she had some booze.

Ms Jenny’s boutique was a state of the art fashion center. “This is your place to be”, Ms Jenny said to him. The sissy clone was on cloud number nine when hearing this. Here he could help people look good instead of waging war.

“But hey, handsome, she said conspiratorially, “beware of contraband red wigs from Lanolinland!”

 

[Lanolin]

The Baroness was invited to Charles and Camillas Highgrove estate for afternoon tea. Charles went off to talk to his plants and as soon as he was gone Camilla bought out the Pimms.

They were catching up on the gossip on their third tea cup when the Baroness said she had a surprise for Camilla . She reached into her handbag and produced the red wig of pure Jennymaesian hair.

Camilla gasped. She stroked the hair. It was velvety smooth and very long.

Yes, said the Baroness. I took the opportunity to check out your step-daughter in laws boutique. She is doing a roaring trade and I dare say Lady Abigail will be extremely jealous if she ever found out I shopped there, but, I am a foreigner with money so I can shop wherever I like.

Camilla held the wig, and surmised if she changed her hair colour, it would go some way towards healing the rift between her and her step grandchildren. Of course there was the unfortunate comment circulating about Harrys ginger hair and his wifes afro, but then things tended to slip her tongue when she'd had one drink too many.

We all need colour in our lives, said the Baroness. Im living proof.

 

[Lanolin]

Aunty Rachel was tired of the blonde jokes
All her life she had been much maligned for having golden hair and it didnt earn her any respect. He ex husband used to always head butt her in bed because he coveted her hair so badly, burying his nose in it and saying 'I wish my hair was like yours' 'If only I had your hair' and he had given her a big diamond ring in exchange for basically having her hang off his arm.

Rachel put on her glasses opened up her borowed copy of Gone with the Wind.

Chapter one

Scarlett O hara was not beautiful, but men seldom realised it when caught by her charm as the Tarleton twins were.

?! In the movie, Vivien Leigh WAS beautiful. She had dark hair though. Was that her charm? Rachel read about her green eyes. hmm

Aunty Rachel decided she had to do it. She was going to dye her hair green. Also it would make good camoflage for her trip to the jungle to film her beloved gorillas. They could also be included in her Tour of Beauty. Once she found another Aunty to take her place to care for bubba though.

 

[Lanolin]

The next day Rachel revealed her new hair to the world
Everyone kept commenting that she must have reacted badly to the Beehives old swimming pool so Miss Greenlips Hine was tasked with the job of water testing and making sure nobody dove in at the deep end.

Sales of Pantene treatment shampoo took a nosedive but Trumpet icecreams sales were steady.

 

[Lanolin]

The CEO of Tip Top Icecream were recommended to honor Ms Rachel Hunter with a special trumpet icecream flavour of her own, plus a lifetime supply.

The marketing department wondered were bandying around different flavours. How about chocolate peppermint? Isnt that Godmama Lanolins favourite?

Or we could use up our kiwifruits ...I dont think anyones done kiwifruit icecream before. Its green too.

another suggested Banoffee as the bananas on one of Lanolinlands offshore islands was now producing an abundant crop

well, said the CEO, once we move our operations down to Antarctica she'll be able to have whatver flavour she wants, as the frozen climate will be so much better for our new state of the art icecream factory. our R and D team have found a good potential market for icecreams down there what with the new Christmas Wonderland World scheduled to open in December.

Im not sure why ms Hunter requires a lifetime supply though, complained one bean counter. The Polar Pops never demanded anything for being in our Polar Pop ads.

The CEO narrowed her eyes. Ms Hunter is a national treasure, we need to keep her happy in Lanolinland or she will defect and go after another Rockstar again in another country. Its not all about the bottom line.

oh said the bean counter meekly.

Your job is to count the goody goody gum drops and make sure each tub has enough of them. Dont skint on them!

 

[Moses_Young]

The Young family, and their adopted aunt/nanny/warrioress Tzipora - were somewhat perturbed. To the casual observer - let's call him Tom - peeping into the fortress from outside a window where a crack was showing between the blinds - it might have appeared they were all just staring open-mouthed at a television screen. However, a more professional observer would have noted that they had been in this position since Friday, which, in the scheme of things, was quite a long while.

The two clones, the Great Chieftain, the beautiful Tzipora and Moses' cousin Mordecai had been watching the International Spy Vision, as it followed the adventures of Eagle Two and what appeared to be his lifelong ambition of becoming a complete and total sissy. The latest episode featured the star drinking booze with some red-haired gal named Miss Jenny, and working at her state of the art fashion center boutique.

Finally, Mordecai spoke. "I can have him nuked from orbit, sir? Or via stealth bombers, if you want to give the wretch more of a fighting chance?"

The clones began to ask questions suspiciously. "So did you also drop us on our heads when we were cloned?"

Tzipora began to weep softly. The Great Chieftain scowled more severely than that time Mosestaria got invaded and Empress Ruby pillaged all the used tyres.

"I can't have Eagle Two destroyed," he explained. "He is my image. To destroy him would bring my reputation into disrepute..."

"As opposed to what he's doing to your reputation now?" asked Eagle One.

"What then do you propose, my liege?" asked Mordecai loyally.

"We have to bring out his masculine side," explained the Chieftain.

"But how?" asked Eagle Three.

"We'll have to make him fall in love."

Mordecai raised a questioning eyebrow, which was unusual for him, because he normally trusted all the Chieftain's plans. Also, because he didn't usually have good eyebrow control.

The Chieftain nodded. "You see, when clones are in love, they do crazy things."

"So you're thinking Eagle Two is in love?" asked Mordecai, becoming more convinced now with his Chieftain's reasoning.

The Chieftain scowled. "No, Mordecai, Eagle Two is clearly defective. Tzipora must've dropped him too hard on his head when he was little."

At this, Eagle One and Eagle Three looked suspiciously at Tzipora, who averted her gaze to the floor.

"However, if falling in love makes functional clones do crazy things, then surely it would also make a defective clone become functional again?" he continued.

"But who to make him fall in love with?" asked Eagle One. "He's clearly become too sissified for us to work with."

The Chieftain smiled, and looked at Tzipora.

Tzipora gasped. "You don't mean to make him fall in love with me, sire?", she asked, a worried look on her face. "However unreciprocating you are, my heart beats only for you."

"Uncloned", she added hastily, before the Chieftain got any other ideas.

"No," the Chieftain smiled. "I believe this clone has become too sissified for even you to help with, dear Tzipora. No. We need someone even braver and more skillful than you..."

"But who?" asked Tzipora.

"Your clone, with her bravery and skill attributes maxxed out," explained the Chieftain scientifically.

 

[Lanolin]

The Jacques Cousteau society had been monitoring the coast of Antarctica for several weeks now and had heard nothing from the mysterious hermit living in the not so secret fortress/bunker/ice hotel who was polluting the Southern Ocean.

It was like he had totally ignored their memo.
And disregarded the fact that, one of his own babies had been dumped in the sea.

Its a cult. Moonies from East Korea, speculated one of the Red Beanies.

Naw, its more like Jehovahs Witnesses or Mormons. said another. Prepping for the end of the world. Arranged marriages. Clones.

Clones?

we found this dumped in one of the floating garbage patches - it was a collection of test tubes and a turkey baster syringe and more cans of expired blue milk.

We can tell a lot about this offender by the garbage he puts out. I would hate to break it to Godmama Lanolin, but the bubba shes looking after seems to have been one of the 'byproducts' of a cloning operation. One he didnt like the look of.

 

[Lanolin]

Keisha entered her name in the CC Last person to post wins slot machine at the SKy CIty casino. It made a whirring noise and then made a jingly sound.

Congratulations! You are a winner!

Keisha jumped up and down with excitement with Mrs Hairy. I won I won!!!
Here, you try. I am sure you are going to win too!

 

[jennymae]

“Come again?” Ms Jenny said with a most surprised look on her face. Her skillful chief of intelligence could only confirm what he’d already said three times. “There’s a rumor saying that the Chieftain is sending a clone of Ms Tizzy to make Mr Sissy Clone fall in love with the Ms Tizzy clone”. “He can’t do that, can he?” Ms Jenny said with a more insecure voice than usual. The middle aged man sighed and then spoke. “He’s already done so. We have intel that Mrs Sissy Clone to be is now in London as we speak”.

Ms Jenny’s voice cracked and she bursted out in tears. “But Mr Sissy Clone is supposed to fall in love with me!” She almost pitched a fit. The seasoned man who had all the intel sighed again. “My lady, well…erm…have you considered the…uh…ramifications of the concept “sissy”? Ms Jenny wiped her tears and looked at him. “What do you mean?” He got a little nervous. Ms Jenny preferred people agreeing with her. “Um…I just mean that he might not be into…erm…uh…women…”. Ms Jenny raised her voice. “I’m not a woman, I’m a Lady! Keep that in mind! Of course he’s into me! All men are!” She was trembling. An outburst was in the making. The chief of intelligence found it was best to step back. “Very well, My lady, I will personally make sure that this clone won’t make it to your boutique in London.” “You best!” She said impatiently.

 

[Lanolin]

The Baroness and Camilla were into their cups.

I could never replace Diana, but everyone loved Fergie more because she was so vivacious when she was royal.

Must have been her hair, hinted the Baroness. She was defintiely going to offload that wig.

Of course having a secret affair takes its toll on one. My hair went white overnight.

well, as they say, it wont happen overnight but it will happen

Yes now we are married but it isnt the same. Having an affair was actually more...fun. I can see why Diana agreed to a divorce. She couldnt stand Freds snoring. It gets on my nerves now too.

Earplugs? ...suggested the Baroness

Camilla poured the Baroness some more Pimms. Now are you SURE you want to marry Santa Claus?

 

[Ruby123]

Miss Ruby walked to her favourite pond with waterfall, her thinking place and felt quite overwhelmed. She began to sob. The thought of what Rubyland had fallen to with Mr Hulk in charge was too much for her to bear. Suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder. She swung around to take a look.
"You" she screamed looking directly at the clone. He offered her a handkerchief and she skeptically took it. Her eyes were puffy and her mascara was dripping down her face. Why was the clone offering her a handkerchief. She wondered whether she was about to be murdered.
"Do not be afraid Miss Ruby" the clone said. The mobile in his jacket pocket began to ring and he answered it.
"Hang on brother" he said. I'll just swap you to face time so Miss Ruby can hear for herself"
He sat down beside her and held the phone in front of them both and Miss Ruby could see Sissy on the screen.
"Sissy" she said happily.
"Good afternoon Miss Ruby. I see brother clone arrived safetly" Sissy spoke.
"What is going on Sissy" Miss Ruby replied.
"I spoke to brother clone last night" Sissy said all the way from Miss Jenny's makeup empire in London. "We think it is disgraceful that that big hulk is ruling Rubyland and we are going to help you get it back" Sissy said. "I of course am in London so I will have to play my part by facetime" Sissy whispered.
Miss Ruby wondered whether she could trust this clone and suddenly she remembered that it was this clone that had saved her life from having her organs removed whilst she was in hospital. If it weren't for him, she would be organless.

 

[Lanolin]

Aunty Rachel, now with green hair, had been facetiming Mr Hulk while bubba was asleep. Their relationship was still under wraps but it had now grown much stronger since Mr Hulk was taken by Rachels charm and the green hair didnt faze him. He thought she was the funniest sweetest thing ever and now her assets were even more considerable since she revealed that she was now being sponsored by a major confectionary company.

The only thing is I cant leave Lanolinland yet to run off into the dreamtime with you. I now have ...obligations.

what my darling, Said Mr Hulk, who was counting on Rachel just instantly giving up her entire life, home, country and friends just to be with him.

Rachel thought of the Bulimibaby machines. Should she show him? It might be a deal-breaker.

Cant I just record your every move on the facetime 24/7? pleaded Mr Hulk. He was desperately in love.

Even when I go to the toilet? asked Rachel

 

[Lanolin]

What kind of dad just abandons their baby out to sea and doesnt even bother searching if its gone missing? wondered Godmama Lanolin.

Whaea Greenlips Hine shook her head. I have no idea. I could call him many names though

It had been nearly an entire month and still no word from the Mosetarians.
Completely despicable behaviour! I wonder what his excuse is. The mother was surely dead or drugged or she would have heard from her by now.

Poor bubba was going to be officially named in a ceremony next week and adopted because Christmas seemed too far off. Instead of being a ward of the state Godmama Lanolin arranged official refugee status as the baby was not born in Lanolinland.
Bubba is not going back to former Mosestaria ever, even if the Dad pleads his case, and may not even want to go back when grown up. Though every child needs to know their dad, it looks like bubba will never know. Maybe its just as well. But what am I going to do this Fathers Day? pondered Godmama Lanolin

Miss Greenlips Hine produced a ruby red stiletto shoe that she had found on the raft. Look whoever this shoe fits must be the mother of bubba....or father

Looks like we may have to enter Rubyland again. Aunty Rachel perked up. I'll do it. Fly me over and I'll find who the mother is.

What about the bulimibaby machines?

I thought of that, said Aunty Rachel. Now I have a lifetime supply of icecream and bubba is being weaned to eat milk solids, we'll never run short.

um ok if you are sure...

the CEO of Tiptop assured me it was ok. They are even having a naming contest for bubba. Skycity casino are running one as well and giving us baby supplies and toys. Salvation Army offered clothes. And the Baby Factory are giving us shares in their stores.

Ok it seems you've done your homework Aunty Rachel.

Aunty Rachel shrugged. Its not easy being green.

 

[jennymae]

Right, the Lanolinlanders are searching for an unknown mother? The chief of intel went suspicious. This was probably some scheme to pave way for international investigation, and an urgent need for access to foreign nations intel. Should he alert Ms Jenny? No, she’d mess up per usual.

Wasn’t it for the precious Empress Jennymaesia would be prospering. Now she was head over heels in love with a sissy boy. Governmental affairs was on hold while the lovesick woman pursued her innermost desires. No wonder his predecessor had defected. Putting emotional women in charge was an abomination. Men, on the other hand, was fueled by facts and rational decision making. Ms Jenny was full of the former, but had none of the latter. On top of that he had her suspected of being an imbecile, quite literally. When word got out, that the celebrated Ms Jenny was going for a sissy boy, the underground resistance would have to realize that this would be an “opportunity knocks” situation.

 

[Lanolin]

The Baroness loyal possums followed her everywhere she went, and were keeping track of her latest journey to Caesars Buckingham Palace and betrothal to Santa Claus, they had set a date for the wedding, and they had organised a honeymoon in the dreamtime of Rubyland.

It could not come soon enough though because those left behind and living in Rubyland had to endure Mr Hulks reign where he just treated them like guinea pigs who had never graduated from school.

It wasnt that Mr Hulk was evil it was just he was preoccupied and always on his phone. Face-timing, Two- timing or even Three-timing his various love interests which included Rachel Hunter, Elle Macpherson and Rebel Wilson.

The possums rolled their eyes, Why did he do that when he could just call a zoom meetng and get all three at once?
The other thing that was annoying about Mr Hulk was he had no clue on how to run a successful pizzeria. He just thought nothing of whacking a box of flash frozen pizza from Coles into the microwave without even unwrapping the plastic and selling it for ten times the price.

Was he running the country or ruining it? Could he even spellcheck?
Whatever happened to Miss Ruby, the possums knew it had to do with He Who must not be named. They wondered if Mr Hulk was just one of his shills.

 

[Moses_Young]

"I won't do it!" Tzipora announced defiantly.

The two clones raised their eyebrows at each other in surprise. Mordecai took a step backward and fell over the heretofore-unmentioned cat, who was also coincidentally named Moses. Even the great Chieftain himself seemed somewhat speechless.

"You won't need to do anything," he explained, after getting over his initial surprise. "We'll just take a DNA sample from your hair, say, and put it in a test-tube, and..."

"It's not right!" Tzipora blurted. "Cloning is a great evil, and I'm not going to be part of it anymore. Creating people just so you can use them is just... so wrong."

"We could force her?" Eagle One asked the Chieftain, making another of his statement-turned-questions.

Eagle Three made a snipping motion with his fingers. "I was able to obtain a sample of the most magical, beautiful hair known to man. I'm sure I'd be able to... assist," he added, looking at Tzipora.

The Chieftain shook his head, ignoring the clones. "I don't understand Tzipora. You cloned me. Now I can do four times the work. Being a Great Chieftain is quite a busy business, but you helped me to find a way to excel. I had plans to make thousands of clones - an army of Moseses, if you will, or is that Mosii? - and now you want to throw it all away?" he asked, somewhat indignantly.

Tzipora looked at the Chieftain sadly. "I did create the clones, yes."

"And yes, I did drop them all on their heads when they were little..." she continued, looking at Eagle One and then Eagle Three, before she quickly looked away. Eagle Three gasped in shock, and Eagle One gave Tzipora one of his knowing-yet-nonetheless-disapproving looks.

"One a little too heavily," Tzipora added, staring guiltily at the floor. "But now I know it was wrong of me. I don't want to add to my crimes by repeating them."

The clones looked to their leader. Clearly, this Japovian warrioress had served her purpose, and it was now time to discard her as a Mosetarian rat discards the wax which vainly covers the tasty cheese. Mordecai looked to his leader, even as he nursed the scratch wounds resulting from his recent misunderstanding with the cat.

The Great Chieftain shrugged. "Very well. I guess we will have to re-impose our previous ban on cloning."

Eagle One frowned at the Chieftain's decision. "Perhaps this was where Eagle Two gets it from," he wondered to himself quietly.

Eagle Three shook his head. "He's clearly been seduced by the Japovian's beauty," he thought scornfully.

Mordecai smiled. "I knew it," he told himself. "It's because mother always favoured him that he's turned out soft."

"So that's it?" asked Tzipora, surprised. "You're not going to clone me?"

"Not against your will," replied the Chieftain benevolently.

"But then, what about Eagle Two?" queried Tzipora. "With whom can he fall in love, in order to restore his damaged faculties?"

"Tzipora," explained the Chieftain, "I think it's time that Eagle Two became better acquainted with your long-widowed - and certifiably insane - mother. What's her name again?"

"Tizzy," Tzipora reminded the Chieftain. "But... will that help?" she asked, dubiously.

The Great Chieftain shrugged for the second time this episode. "Who knows? But I'm fairly sure it can't make things any worse."