The Banned Game

[Lanolin]

It was the eve of Bubba's christening ceremony

The three aunties had all been thinking of names and it was decided they would each pick one each, so Bubba would have three names, but would get to choose eventually upon growing up which one would be the preferred christian name to go by.

Whaea Greenlips Hine had been crocheting a christening gown
Aunty Rachel had invited Keisha and Mrs Hairy to preside as additional Godmothers/aunties along with Godmama Lanolin to perform the blessings

Godmama Lanolin brewed the traditional ginger and red eggs dish for the mothers and prepared on a tray objects for Bubba to grab that would indicate future destiny

She placed a Beginners Bible, a shell, a dove feather, a greenstone and several other symbolic objects to one side.

They would have it in the Beehive chapel and she had called on the women to pray and the elder koros to make a speech.

And then she would need to sign Bubba's birth certificate.

 

[Lanolin]

Rachel, what are you doing? Hissed miss Greenlips Hine. Stop switching the Lanovision. You know Godmamma Lanolin doesnt like it when we change the channels.

Sorry, said Rachel. Tommy got me on to Netfix with a free sub. He says hes addicted to the Young and the Restless. I had to check it out.

The Young and the Restless? Is that like from the 80s or something?

Its still going.

Ok I'll bite, what ridiculous plotline has it got now?

well, said Rachel. Theres this guy whos desperate to find a match right? But hes too lazy to leave the house . So he clones himself three times and tries to woo three women who arent that interested in him.

What?

Yes and then this one lady who he thinks he can get, well she turns out to be a clone as well.

No way

And then its turning out both of them are gender confused psychopaths who each think the other is gay.

um..

Its crazy

Yea why are you watching this shlock.

I dunno. Rachel shrugged. Tommy watches it.

You know what? I think Tommy is a dick, said Miss Greenlips Hine. Drop him. You could do better.

Oh but Im in love. I cant do that.

Really?

Yes hes the only guy who would dress up as a gorilla just for me.

 

[Moses_Young]

"Its barbaric!" Tzipora announced angrily.

Monsieur Cousteau and the Great Chieftain paused their long conversation, and looked up questioningly at the Japovian warrioress. It appeared that she had tired of the riveting conversation between the famous French oceanographer-cum-filmmaker and the infamous Mosestarian Chieftain-cum-criminal-mastermind, and had instead been channel surfing on the International Spy Vision.

"That cackle of old women - and the gorilla," she exclaimed, while pointing to the International Spy Vision screen "are going to christen that poor child!"

"And Captain Biden is about to have Captain Trump arrested far away in America," replied the Chieftain. "What business is it of ours?"

"Well, for starters," answered Tzipora indignantly, "Captain Trump won't spend the rest of his life falsely believing he has been properly baptised..."

"But he will spend a period of time properly believing he has been falsely arrested, won't he?" countered the Chieftain.

"It's not the same thing!" exclaimed Tzipora. "Captain Trump had a choice. That poor baby doesn't."

"I'm sure he can recant when he's older, if he changes his mind?" The Chieftain did his trick of asking a statement like it was a question.

"I apologise, Monsieur," interrupted Jacques, "but I don't believe Captain Trump is the kind of man to easily change his mind. It would be... eem-poss-ee-bol... for such a man to recant."

"See?" glared Tzipora. "Once that water sprinkles on that poor baby's head, he will be an Anglican forever!"

"Or a Cath-o-leek?" added the Frenchman, trying to be helpful.

At the mention of the C-word, Tzipora became visibly perturbed. "The Southern Baptist Convention makes it crystal clear that that complete immersion in water is required for a believer's baptism", she explained knowledgeably.

"Well, babies do like to be clean," explained Moses the Younger diplomatically. "Think of it as the baby is getting an extra bath."

Miss Tzipora rolled her quite-beautiful eyes. "With sprinkles?" she asked. If Monsieur Cousteau hadn't already faked his own death a quarter-century ago, he might have become quite taken with the pretty Japovian warrioress. As it stood, introductions to all-but-the-most-outstanding-and-exceptional of strangers - such as the Great Chieftain - created an unnecessary risk to the public belief that he had died.

"A shower?" countered the Chieftain.

"Baby shampoo?" answered the warrioress.

The Great Chieftain sighed. He didn't like to be defeated in debate - especially by a female - and more especially by a female that couldn't somehow be written off to a near-sighted observer as just a prettier-than-ordinary man.

"Is there anything you can do, Monsieur?" the Chieftain asked Jacques.

"If the lady had transport, my loyal, red-beanied followers have been waiting outside, ever since their expulsion from your facility, and my subsequent signal to them for assistance..." explained Jacques.

"And my state-of-the-art helicopter is ever at your service, my loyal warrioress," beamed the Great Chieftain, as his ever-faithful cousin entered the visitor's dining suite wearing a pilot's helmet.

Miss Tzipora finally smiled. Within an hour, the helicopter was fueled and ready and it's newly-appointed, red-beanied crew taking orders from Captain Tzipora.

Far away from Petermann Island in Antarctica - somewhere in Lanolinland, in fact - a cackle of three women and a gorilla had gathered in a sinisterly shaped chapel about an innocent, young child. To a curious observer peeping in through the stained-glass windows - Tom again - it appeared the women were about to irreversibly initiate the child into their particular sect. Religious relics including a heavily redacted/modified bible translation, a bone from a dead sea animal, the Earthly-remains of a bird, and a purportedly "magical" green stone were scattered about for the ceremony.

As the chanting continued and the apparent leader of the band prepared the ritual water to seal the child's fate forever, the sound of whirring helicopter blades could be heard - louder and louder, until the volume in the sinister chapel reached a deafening level. Suddenly, the perfectly-formed shape of a Japovian warrioress appeared amidst the small congregation. However, the cackle of old women did not have time to admire, as within moments, the warrioress had gently but firmly wrested the child from the grizzled talons of the cult leader, and disappeared again with the child as quickly and mysteriously as she had appeared. The cackle of women in Lanolinland were left staring at each other in disappointment, their prey confiscated, as the whirring-chopping of the helicopter blades faded into the distance. Bubba had been rescued.

 

[jennymae]

Ms Jenny and Mr Sissy stumbled through the dark swamplands surrounding the glorious capital of Jennymaesia. In the bayous alligators were lurking and vicious snakes on the ground could not be ruled out. The swamplands was always darker and hotter than everywhere else. The air was humid and offered no relief.

“What is your name?” Ms Jenny suddenly asked.

Mr Sissy paused for a second. “It’s Charles, like the man soon to be King of the Commonwealth.”

“Well, you don’t look like him”, Ms Jenny said thoughtfully. “I hope not”, Charles said with a grin. “With those ears I could offer my services as a tv antenna for extremely remote areas in the Commonwealth.” Ms Jenny giggled at the thought of it.

“Is it true that Ms Tizzy is a Southern Baptist and has abducted Bubba, who almost got baptized by the Anglicans?” Ms Jenny inquired. “Well, yeah, the former King of the sunken Kingdom of Japovia didn’t allow other people than Southern Baptists in his country”, Charles had learned.

Ms Jenny’s brain needed some time to process this information. If Ms Tizzy was a Southern Baptist she couldn’t be all that bad. Or could she? But she had saved a child from being baptized by a competing church. “So now Bubba will be baptized in a Godly way?” Ms Jenny’s blue eyes was twinkling whenever saying this. “I guess”, Charles said.

A sound made them stop. “Chopper!” Charles exclaimed. “They’re searching for you! And my head!” he added a bit more sarcastically.

Ms Jenny also could hear the helicopter. There was no way they could see them from the air. The trees made them invisible. Then she heard the dogs. A posse had been sent out to find them. “Charles”, she said in a hushed voice, “they’re hot on our trail”. Charles heard them too. They were no more than five minutes away. This could get crazy.

 

[Lanolin]

Godmama Lanolin had a nice uninterrupted sleep for the first time in two months. After being Supernanny her Babysitters club services were no longer required as Bubbas mother had FINALLY showed up (sans dad) and taken her child away, right in the middle of the baby shower.

She just sent the bill to Ms Tizzy which amounted to about 1500 hours of full time care.

Isnt it weird that MS Tizzy kept remarking how old we were? Said Keisha. I had my child at 16. Maybe in her country they have young babysitters under 14, like in the American Baby sitters Club books, which is irresponsible to say the least.

Yea I dunno, those Japovians are weird, I bet the dad is a typical Mosetarian lazyboy. Didnt even bother to show up at his own daughters baby shower.

If Bubba was a boy maybe? Or his clone.

well, Jade Aroha Kahu will always belong to us in her heart.

who is going to bet that her 'mother' will be calling our services again one day?

Oh I dont know, Godmama Lanolin, absentee parents like that probably wont even bother to pay the bill.

 

[Lanolin]

Fred woke up one morning, to find that he was now King. Gladys gave him a shot of Pimms. You are going to need it darling.

 

[Moses_Young]

"Can you swim?" asked Charles.

"Not in alligator-infested bayous," answered Jenny.

"Well, I can't leave you to the dogs", replied Charles. He looked wisfully across the bayou, as the barking grew louder.

"I could capture you?" asked Jenny. Charles could see that she also had learned the art of turning statements into questions.

"So I can be executed over a period of seven days?" asked Charles. "Don't you think that is a little extreme?"

Jenny nodded. "I have in the past let my feelings get the better of me. And for some reason, the executive roles in Jennymaesia do seem to attract the more sadistic types. If I capture you, they're less likely to kill you on sight - I give you my word that no harm will come to you."

Charles agreed, and let Jenny bind his hands behind his back. The barking was much closer now, but so was the sound of the helicopter. All of a sudden, it's bright search-light was in view through the tree-tops, lighting up the Jennymaesian and her prisoner in the darkness.

Charles remembered seeing a blurry dart shape whiz past him into Jenny, before she fell down in front of him. He noticed some red-beanied figures descending from the helicopter via ropes, until he felt a pain in his right leg, and noted that he too had been shot with a tranquiliser dart.

As his sight faded into unconsciousness, Charles was vaguely aware of the figures who had descended from the helicopter surrounding him and Jenny, and moving them in the general direction of the whirring blades. The whirring of the blades seemed to blur into the barking of the dogs, and the shouting of the red-beanied figures, and then he could remember no more.

 

[Lanolin]

Miss Ruby had been reading the Hunger Games alone on her Island and been practicing her archery skills. sHe fancied herself to be a self sufficient hunter-gatherer like Katniss Everdeen now that she was living off the grid.

Unfortunately for Miss Ruby, the Mosetarians were STILL after her and hadnt curbed their greedy ways wanting whatever she had whenever she dangled something in front of them. This time they were after her island to use as their eagle sanctuary, so they could breed their baby killing eagles.

The Mosetarian Eagles were tired of their diet of frozen rats and wanted delicious human babies to eat.
Godmama Lanolin tried to warn Miss Ruby, by sending some thunder clouds her way, since her internet connection was no more.

 

[Lanolin]

Sir Peter Jackson seemed satisified with the rushes to King Kong 2 and sent it to the Weta Workshop editing suite. Mrs Hairy is a shoe in to win the academy award this time he remarked to his wife.

What about ms Hunter? The King's concubine?

Oh her scenes ended up on the cutting room floor. Her green hair just didnt show up on camera Im afraid and the footage was unusable.

she's not going to like that!

Thats the way it goes.

Have you found the lead for 'It came from Mosestaria?'

Oh yes. I Finally found someone to play He who must not be named. But thats for me to know and you to find out.

 

[jennymae]

“Buenos días, señorita Jenny”, a raspy voice greeted her. Ms Jenny’s head felt like a tombstone in a foggy graveyard. She was disoriented and confused. The last thing she recollected was being out in the swamplands with Charles. Then there was a havoc with dogs and whirring blades. Her eyes tried to focus on the man with the voice, and finally she could see a bearded man in a battered uniform. His face was covered in battle scars and the lack of one eye seemed just right in this case.

“Bienvenida a mi casa, señorita, your friend is being interrogated now”. His accent was thick as a log. “I think he is ready to speak, sí?” The man laughed and revealed that he didn’t hold dentists in high regard. “Now we will interrogate you, señorita”. Ms Jenny was scared to death, but displayed a stiff upper lip. “I won’t say nothing”, she informed the one eyed man. “I was hoping for you to say that”, he said while picking up some device from a suitcase. “It’s mucho more fun when I can help people say what they will not say.”

The unpleasant man grabbed her hair and screamed at her. “Where is the Empress of Jennymaesia?” Ms Jenny was caught by surprise. He didn’t know who he had in the chair in front of him, but it was apparent that he was no friend of the Empress. “Where is she? I will cut off your hair if you don’t tell me!” His one eye was looking like it was gonna pop out of his scull. “Then I will make new name for you! Scarface!” The knife was inching closer to her head.

Suddenly they could hear screaming and gunshots from another room. “Ahh”, the man said, “guess your friend is finished now, speak up and you will be fine!”

Then the door sprang open and Charles appeared with a gun in each hand. “¿Que?” the man said surprised. He then reached for his gun, but Charles was faster. “Charles!” Ms Jenny was too overwhelmed by all this and fainted.

 

[Lanolin]

That girl has too many fainting spells, remarked Rachel. Everytime I watch the Young and the Restless, she always seems to get her self into a pickle, then expects the guy to rescue her when she faints.

Maybe the writers are running out of plotlines? said Miss Greenlips Hine.

I could write a better one, said Rachel.

I dare you to do it.

So Rachel put her thinking cap on, which connected the two sides of her brain together and wrote the ending to the Young and the Restless. She then sent it to the studio, it was picked up and optioned, and after more than 50 years of mindnumbing programming, the show came to a (happy) end.

The actors were let go, and could finally retire and grow old as was the natural course of life.

 

[jennymae]

Safe and sound back in Jennymaesia Ms Jenny was still in a state of shock. The horrible militia that had tried to torture them was still at large. Probably just a piece outside of the capital. Why did they speak Spanish? Maybe they were South American communists trying to overthrow the Empress? Would this be a case for Captain Trump and Captain Biden?

Ms Jenny and Charles had literally been crawling back to the city and Ms Jenny now looked the part. She tried to apply some makeup to hide her bruisers and scars, but mostly to no avail. What would people think?

She had appointed Charles the Duke of the capital. The city needed a man like him in charge. The first thing he did was firing the warden in the prison where he had spent almost 12 hours. The ex-warden was offered a low ranking position with the dog catcher’s office. He would now be walking the dogs on a daily basis.

Ms Jenny called her boutique in London, but nobody answered. Maybe they had taken a day off to honor the Queen?

Well, that would be for later to investigate. She put her head down on her favorite pillow and was asleep shortly thereafter.

 

[Moses_Young]

Far, far away in a secret bunker in Antarctica, Moses the Younger was somewhat worried. His ever-faithful cousin Mordecai had left him to become a helicopter pilot. His beautiful-but-deadly warrioress, Tzipora, had left his company at least for the moment, in order to take up the much more important responsibility of being a mother to a child she didn't even birth. The annoying-but-yet-still-mildly-interesting Frenchman who'd faked his own death some 25 years ago had departed to make his next film.

His great adversary and arch-nemesis, the wise-yet-tough-as-old-boots Empress E-Ruby, hadn't been heard from for weeks. "If her boyfriend Marxist, or Tommy, or whatever he calls himself these days, has stolen her organs, there would be h*ck to pay," the Chieftain thought grimly. "E-Ruby comes from a long line of Rubies, and if anyone has the right to eliminate such a worthy opponent as the current Empress, it can only be me."

The Great Chieftain secretly knew he would never actually "eliminate such a worthy opponent", but he said it to sound tough, in case anyone was listening.

It was a church day, but the Great Chieftain was still experiencing a sickness from last night, when he had cooked himself the Antarctic variety of Mosestaria's national food. Suffice it to say, there was little else to do except remain somewhat green, feel ill, mope around the bunker and worry.

Disturbing also were the accounts from the Lanolinland propaganda machine that accused Mosestaria of using Eden Island as a sanctuary for raising child-killing eagles. The Great Chieftain recorded a note in his diary to dispatch a team of crack Mosestarian eagle-marksmen to E-Ruby's island paradise, in order that any truth in the rumours of baby-eating eagles would be quickly put to sleep - permanently.

The Lanolinland propaganda machine had indicated that E-Ruby's radio silence was due to her internet connection being stolen. The Great Chieftain therefore knew that the radio silence was due to any cause other than a stolen internet connection.

"International Spy Vision, tune into E-Ruby!" the Chieftain exclaimed suddenly.

The screen flickered to life, and an informative-but-concerning image came into view.

"Ghastly!" Moses exclaimed. The woman on the screen was dressed in old, torn clothes, there was no trace of makeup, no watermelon lip gloss on her ruby-red lips, or lush mascara or her eyelashes. Her hair was an absolute mess, unkempt and bedraggled, and she was carrying a bow. Either E-Ruby was doing an excellent job of impersonating Baba Yaga, or else she had retrograded into a hippy.

Moses decided forthwith to send her several crates of watermelon lip gloss (made in Jennymaesia, given people's general revulsion these days to Mosestarian products), a bottle or two of makeup and lush mascara, and a hair brush.

He also sent her an encouraging note, with such phrases as "esteemed and wise E-Ruby of Rubyland", "you're a pretty good leader (for a girl)" and "if you need anybody to teach your boyfriend a lesson, I have some clones on the job". Also, some less encouraging stuff like "No one is going to judge you for not brushing your hair etc., but I've included a brush, a hair dryer and some all-natural shampoo in your package in case you change your mind" and "I can have my clones install you a heated spa in your hut, if you're short on natural pools". Also, some out-there conspiratorial type messages like "I know ivermectin is used for horses and your boyfriend hates it, but that's cos he's a parasite and it might kill him, so I've included enough to treat up to four adult mares."

The Great Chieftain put a stamp on the rather large package to Eden Island, and as it was taken away for delivery by the Antarctic Postal Service, reverted back to being a shade green.

 

[Lanolin]

Now freed from childcare responsibilities, Rachel was keen to reengage on her Tour of Beauty. And possibly meet up with Tommy on the side. She was now joined with fellow travel companions, Keisha and Mrs Hairy who had now finished filming.

On her bucket list were Rubylands mascara empire, the Jenny Craig guinea pig wellness retreat, and Evereverland gladioli perfumery. There was also Madam Tussauds House of Wax, where Mrs Hairy was going in for her beauty treatment.

Megs Pegs Legs and Wigs was now going online so Keisha ordered her magical apparel from the comfort of her own laptop computer in under an hour. I cant believe the Crown Jewels are going to be mine! And the ruby slippers. And the Empresses new clothes!

Rachel was happy that Keisha was getting excited over new clothes as as a swimsuit supermodel, she hardly wore any. When we get to Byron Bay, you must give me some whale riding tips.

Oh sure thing Rach, said Keisha.

Mrs Hairy though was apprehensive over her leg wax appointment. Oh dont worry Mrs Hairy, it wont hurt. Ive done it loads of times said Rachel. I promise you the results are stunning. You'll be like a new woman.

Miss Greenlips Hine are you coming? Dont you want to see your guinea pigs again? Miss Hine?

Miss Hine wasnt answering as just then the sky started to fall and the mountains crumbled to the sea. All the workers in the Beehive dove for cover. They were having an earthquake.

 

[Ruby123]

Missy Ruby was without internet signal for a couple of weeks. She managed to hook into a satellite dish that was placed onto her island by Elon Musk but there seemed to be no signal, even though it has been working perfectly well previously. She wandered over to the dish and saw what the problem was. A bird had nested on the satellite and it's nest had prevented the signal. She removed the nest and looked into some type of scope that was protruding out of it. She swore she saw an eye looking back at her and a voice similar to the Chieftan's voice said something about being tough like old boots and ghastly.

She walked back to her cave and outside of it was a rather large package addressed to her. She ripped it open and saw to her delight loads of makeup of all sorts produced in Jennymaesia and the most important thing ever, a hair brush. Many positive affirmations were written on cards and placed in the package as well.

She grabbed the hairbrush and tried to comb her hair. It had been months since she last combed it as she had no brush. The brush just stuck to her head. Her long hair had turned into dread locks and no brush was going to untangle them. She tried again, same results. How was she supposed to be a glamouress Empress with tangled dreadlocks? She thought of her two Empress friends Miss Jenny who had a magical red mane and Empress Lanolin who had a shiny black mane. She had no choice, she would need to shave off the dreadlocks. It was the only way so she did, sobbing.

She tried to make herself feel better by thinking that all the organic produce grown and eaten on her island would make her hair grow back quicker and better than before. She felt her head, it felt like a basketball. She made her way back to her cave feeling rather depressed.

"Stupid torn clothes and dreadlocks" she mumbled. "I need my makeup, hairbrush, clothes and shoes"

"I think it's time to get that two timer Hulk and all of his hulkettes out of my mansion. It's time for him to go"

 

[Moses_Young]

It had been a busy weekend for the great Chieftain of Mosestaria. Abandoned by his nearest and dearest, he'd spent much of his time combating a bout of salmonella, which had been provided on a complimentary basis with his mains of Antarctic rat on Friday evening. He scowled again at the thought of it. They never mentioned anything about salmonella on the ingredient labelling. If the Mosestarian Antarctic-Sector Food and Drug Administration weren't already so busy cracking down on false claims made by several pharmaceutical giants in their latest scheme to vaccinate every single Antarctic penguin and his mother at least thrice before Christmas, he would have probably made a complaint.

However, composing a successful complaint letter takes time, and time was something the great Chieftain was quite scarce on, in-between leaving witty-yet-insulting comments on the webpages of his lesser rivals, and organising to have a plague of man-eating eagles culled from Empress E-Ruby's Eden Island. Indeed, at one point, he had become so pre-occupied with a particularly amusing anecdote he had constructed, that he failed to realise that E-Ruby was conducting her own spring clean of Eden Island, and might have momentarily uncovered his own eye staring back at her from underneath one of the eagle nests atop Elon Musk's satellite dishes. The fright had provided the Chieftain with some use, however, as Elon Musk was another of the chores on the Great Chieftain's list.

Despite Musk's political persuasions and his own efforts trying not to get sued by Twitter for preferring to pay for access to real (potential) consumers over fake, the Chieftain did appreciate Musk's work ethic, and knew that as soon as he'd requested a spare satellite dish for Eden Island, one was as good as on its way.

His work finally complete, and his lesser internet-rivals either feeling somewhat dejected or angrily compiling retorts, the Great Chieftain settled down to watching the International Spy Vision. But what he saw made him sit up so quickly, he almost went the way of the Jennymaesian Empress and fainted.

"Oh dear!" he exclaimed aloud. "What have I done!?!?! That poor, confused, unkempt arch-nemesis! She's trying to be like a boy!" he groaned.

For the International Spy Vision had, in the absence of another command, automatically reverted to its previous target when turned on, which happened to be the lovely-on-the-inside Empress E-Ruby of Rubyland. Gone was her lovely long hair, and all that remained its place was a pretty face, and an admittedly well-shaped head. If the Great Chieftain had been more of an indoor sportsman, and if the head didn't come with a body, he was reasonably sure he could have swished it through a net from the 3-point line.

"This is the work of Lanolinland," he muttered to himself angrily. "Convincing impressionable young arch-nemeses that they're missing out, just because they were born the weaker sex..."

It was time for another letter.

"Dear arch-nemesis Empress E-Ruby of Rubyland," he started. "Did you know that girls are actually better?"

"No, I can't say it quite like that," he interrupted himself "Who knows where it will ever end. I'd better scrub it out and start again."

"Dear respected foe, and defender of the virtue of Rubyland..."

"Did you realise, that long hair is beautiful, and beautiful is deadly, and deadly actually makes you an even scarier arch-nemesis?"

"But then she will ask why I don't have long hair, and say I'm not deadly at all, and rather tame..."

The Great Chieftain scrubbed that letter out aswell. He took a bottle of the fast-growing hair-lotion he'd used to restore the magical hair of the Empress of Jennymaesia. Over the labelling "Fast-growing hair restorer", he wrote in thick black texta "All natural hair shampoo and scalp relaxation balm!" Then had it professionally wrapped and sent express post to Eden Island.

The Chieftain then ordered a bunch of clothing that he'd seen Tzipora looking at. He wasn't sure what sizes to order, so he ordered a range. He hoped Tzipora had good taste in women's clothes, but he knew she probably had better taste than him. As an afterthought, he included a ticket - an all-expenses paid trip to Jennymaesia to visit Miss Jenny's beauty salon and have a complete makeover.

"Well, that'll about do it for now," the Great Chieftain thought to himself. "I'll have to leave dealing with the incredible Tommy and all those little Tominas for another episode..."

 

[Lanolin]

Fortunately for the Beehive, it was built on earthquake resistant isolating blocks and nobody was hurt. The workers were merely all shook up like Elvis Presley jailhouse rock inmates. President Lanolin wasnt even disturbed as she had been reading a book in her library hammock swing.

Miss Greenlips Hine spied a ship coming into the harbour. I think its the Calypso. Perhaps you ladies can hitch a ride to Rubyland if its going that way. There might be spa facilities on board. I'll radio the Captain.

The Red Beanies on board the Calypso had done detailed scientific report to hand in to President Lanolin about the inhabitants of Antarctica. It was estimated that the spring thaw seasonal shift the great icesheet would melt in two weeks time and any inhabitants would be flushed out to sea or underwater. All the research stations on the coast were to be evacuated before this happened or they would find themselves flooded with no way of escape. The recent earthquake was just a warning signal...things are heating up and not so stable under the earth.

We have one inhabitant that refused to come with us it seems he did not heed our warning.

Is this the slob who's polluting the Southern Ocean?

Er, hes a very charming slob Madam.

Huh, well I dont know what to do about that. I guess in the end its his choice to stay or go.

He seems to have made his home there for now. His mother or minder seemed very adamant we were spies for the Jehovahs Witnesses. Of course we are not. We dont dress in black and Godbother people...

What exactly is he doing down there?

Er, we dont know. Not a lot it seems. Taking lots of selfies and cloning himself. Watching tv. Insulting others. Eating rats. Stalking Miss Ruby.

hmm well I think this has gone on for long enough. Miss Ruby needs to revisit her punishment for ...

Monsieur Nom De Plume

Monsieur Nom De Plume. He needs a proper rehab program or shes just wasting his time.

 

[Moses_Young]

The Great Chieftain's eyes narrowed. "A proper rehab program, eh? And for what? Watching TV? Surveying the ISV is called espionage when it's showing real life! Insulting others? Politics! And people should learn to embrace the beautiful but sometimes cruel truth. Eating rats? Nutritional and delicious! And it helps keep one's body at-the-ready to ward off salmonella. Stalking Miss Ruby? Tsk, tsk, tsk, Empress Lanolin. You're probably just jealous of the beautiful, long flowing (maybe even magical? - but we haven't finished testing that part yet!) hair she will have if she uses the Mosestarian(TM) fast-growing hair-lotion..."

The Empress of Lanolinland continued her spiel about another friend she had, known as Monsieur Nom De Plume, and the Chieftain turned off the International Spy Vision. This Empress of Lanolinland was turning into a somewhat of a nuisance. A little like the previous English monarch, but almost certainly not as large a nuisance as the next one was going to be. Probably not for as long, though...

The Great Chieftain pondered whether he could try marrying off the Empress of Lanolinland to the new king and kill two birds with one stone. He shook his head. "Too difficult. She's never going to fall for that vindictive old geezer. Besides, that won't help me get Mordecai or Tzipora back," he commented aloud.

The Great Chieftain had already had to delete a number of excited phone messages from Tzipora cooing over her newly-adopted son and an earlier message from Mordecai about their helicopter being captured by South American communists, in order to conserve precious phone memory. Fortunately, in a peculiar twist of fate, just prior to the capture, the helicopter crew had picked up a love-struck Eagle Two, who was pretty much as de-sissyfied as that clone was ever going to get. So when the South American communists captured the helicopter, Eagle Two was able to take care of it.

The Great Chieftain frowned. It had been several days already. He hoped Mordecai and Tzipora weren't having second thoughts on staying in the lovely-but-icy Mosestarian sector of Antarctica... "But if they did have second thoughts," he considered grimly to himself, as he turned the ISV back on and tuned into Lanolinland, "he knew whose fault it would be..."

 

[Ruby123]

Miss Ruby awoke to another parcel placed outside of her cave. Who knew the postal delivered to Eden Island. If she knew that she would not have had her pet raven fly so far. The poor thing had to retire because it was overworked. She ripped open the package and to her delight she saw numerous stylish outfits. Too fanciful to wear on an island. She tried them all on. Weird thing was there were all different sizes. Some fit well and others were like a tent. She left one of the stylish outfits on. In amongst the outfits was some type of hair balm. Too bad she presently had no hair to put it on. She rubbed some of it on her head anyways as she liked the smell of it.

She walked over to make sure the bird who built its nest in her satellite dish previously had not returned. She remembered the scope that protruded from it and remembered what looked like an eye staring back at her. She peered down the scope again but this time there was no eye looking back. She could have sworn she saw it yesterday. She jokingly used the scope as a type of microphone and spoke the words "Mr Eyeball are you there. Calling Mr Eyeball." She giggled at her antics. To her surprise, she thought she heard a slight cough. She jumped in response.

 

[Moses_Young]

A gruff voice replied back "Empress E-Ruby? Is that you? Are you spying on me, even as I am spying on Empress Lanolin? Or is this another of those prank calls?"