What every single Christian woman should know.

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SparkleEyes

Senior Member
#1
Mar 23, 2013
771
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#1
I wrote this for a women's conference breakout session where I was one of the presenters. I am posting this in the singles forum here because I think all of it applies to men too:

What every Christian single woman should know:

Don't EVER buy into the mindset that there is something fundamentally wrong with you because you are not married. Remember: you are treasured and deeply loved by God. I hope you always feel His big warm arms wrapped tightly around you!

We are not less because we are single. Maybe we are single right now because there is no one who is good enough for us. Maybe we are single because it is not in God's plans for us to be married right now. Maybe we are single because we can please Him more now than we could if we were married. Maybe we are single because we are not ready to marry and we are not mature enough to make a good wife. Maybe we are single because God doesn’t want us married. We should not settle for 'just anyone' in the pursuit to be married. It is better to be single than married to the wrong person. I rushed into marriage without doing my homework and I married a man who had several serious character flaws. If you do become involved with a man, make sure he has a well developed moral character and is grounded in Christ.

We have God Holes and People Holes: No man will be able to fill God Holes such as: loneliness, self worth, sense of purpose. If you marry a man and then expect to him to fill those holes, you are setting the relationship up for failure or at least an unfulfilling marriage. I was never so lonely than when I was married. I married a man who was really never concerned about my well being. He saw no reason to build me up and really love me. After our divorce, his mother admitted to me that her son doesn’t do relationships well.

The church and the world are very relationship/marriage-centric. This sets us up to develop expectations of a life with the perfect spouse and family that are not always met or are met with disastrous results. As a single person, it is oftentimes very easy to see 'happily' married couples everywhere (at work, the gym, on the pew next to you). The truth is: No marriage is perfect. Don’t let Hallmark channel, some novel or the “perfect couple” lead you to believe that once you get married, life will be perfect. That is not realistic.

Marriage can be beautiful, but it is HARD work. Too many people are not prepared or not willing to do the hard work to keep their relationship a healthy one. Dating is easy because both parties are on their best behavior. The best marriages are full of many selfless acts, strong communication, compromise, personal growth and significant and regular time with God. My husband was not interested in compromising, communicating or being part of a team. He had his own agenda and reasons for getting married. He was not interested in having a partnership.

There are benefits to being single: go ask your married friends what they miss about being single!

You don’t have to be married to have a full and Godly life! You are complete just as you are because you are a child of God! There ARE many singles out there. More than half of the adult US population is single and there are many Christians in that group. Find them, both female and male, and be in community. Your community needs to include other singles, couples, family and people you just haven't met yet. My point is to stay connected because God did not make us to do life solo. NOTE: the opposite of solo is NOT married. If you do get married, don’t forget your single friends; they need you in their life.

I am not saying you shouldn’t want to get married, I am saying to enjoy the now. Focus less on the fact that you are not married and use the time of singleness to work on your relationship with God, serve others and work on yourself.
Matt 19:9-12; 1 Cor 7:7-8, 25-35.

Remember, you are deeply loved and valued by God, no matter where you are in life.
 
Utah

Utah

Banned
#2
Dec 1, 2014
9,701
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#2
SparkleEyes said:
Don't EVER buy into the mindset that there is something fundamentally wrong with you because you are not married.
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Wow. It saddens me that women actually think this way.

I appreciate what you've shared, especially the last line of you OP. God bless!
 
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skylove7

Guest
#3
#3
Awesome SparkleEyes!
Thank you for sharing
That's great work there :)
 
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Shouryu

Guest
#4
#4
DWWTMTYI.

I'm not sure if this was meant to be acrostic or not. If it WAS, I am completely stumped.
 
PoetMary

PoetMary

Banned
#6
Nov 25, 2014
942
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#6
Utah said:
Wow. It saddens me that women actually think this way.

I appreciate what you've shared, especially the last line of you OP. God bless!
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It's not that women inherently think this way....but society and Christendom tend to place a value on women based on marriage and child-rearing. So, you have a certain level of value if you're a single woman serving in the church in some way. This value, however, increases if you're married. In most churches, marriage ushers you into "real adulthood," as opposed to the quasi-adult state you're in if you're single. Once you're married, however, the bar cranks again....are you planning on having children? when do you think you'll be starting a family? Thus, the ultimate status is married with children.

Here's the value totem pole:

Married with children
Divorced with children
Never married with children
Divorced, no children
Single, no children

And you get phrases like, "Don't you want to be married?" "You don't really understand what it means to be unselfish until you get married/have children." "You can't really understand love until you have a child." "Marriage makes you a better person." "Maybe the reason you're not married is because God has work to do on you." "Being single is so much easier--you only have to think about yourself."
 
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Zippy101

Guest
#7
#7
This definitely applies to men too! Three years ago I involuntarily became a single man with kids and was treated like a broken toy; dangerous but still slightly useful. If I married tomorrow people would instantly trust me talking to married women again. Marriage equals normal and safe in church.
 
Grace-Like-Rain

Grace-Like-Rain

Senior Member
#8
Sep 6, 2013
4,430
117
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#8
Zippy101 said:
If I married tomorrow people would instantly trust me talking to married women again. Marriage equals normal and safe in church.
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Isn't it sad? There are women who seem to guard their husbands around me. Not in an obvious way, but I definitely notice a difference. When I was married we would fellowship all the time with other couples. Eat out after church, have game nights. Now that I am single, I have been delegated to "one on one" time with the wives, and am excluded from activities that include both spouses. I find it ironic that being single is what causes this extra caution. My husband was "stolen" by a MARRIED woman.

 
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Zippy101

Guest
#9
#9
You should see how fast men run over when they see me talking to their wife!
 
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Zippy101

Guest
#11
#11
:eek: My dog is blushing!
 
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coby

Guest
#12
#12
PoetMary said:

It's not that women inherently think this way....but society and Christendom tend to place a value on women based on marriage and child-rearing. So, you have a certain level of value if you're a single woman serving in the church in some way. This value, however, increases if you're married. In most churches, marriage ushers you into "real adulthood," as opposed to the quasi-adult state you're in if you're single. Once you're married, however, the bar cranks again....are you planning on having children? when do you think you'll be starting a family? Thus, the ultimate status is married with children.

Here's the value totem pole:

Married with children
Divorced with children
Never married with children
Divorced, no children
Single, no children

And you get phrases like, "Don't you want to be married?" "You don't really understand what it means to be unselfish until you get married/have children." "You can't really understand love until you have a child." "Marriage makes you a better person." "Maybe the reason you're not married is because God has work to do on you." "Being single is so much easier--you only have to think about yourself."
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Oh my that is really bad. Hahahahahahaha you don't know what it means to be unselfish until you get married. Yes tell Paul that or Jesus. Ha the Lord Himself is divorced twice.
If married people would brag like that I'd ask: where were you when that desperate lonely single person needed help on the internet, you were hanging out with your spouse behind the television.
And children.. I know this couple who couldn't get kids. They have so many spiritual kids. They're evangelists.

Bible Scandals - 1. Ineligible Bachelor - bethinking.org
 
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tannerbrody

tannerbrody

Banned
#13
Feb 2, 2016
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#13
My cousin went on a dating site and after getting no responses changed his status from 'never married' to 'divorced'. Suddenly he started getting responses. When he met his now girlfriend he confessed that he lied and was never married. Her response, "Honestly I probably wouldn't have responded if I knew the truth. When a woman see a 40 yr old man who's never been married that raises a flag flag. We want someone who's been able to get someone else." Sad but true. You could meet the most unjudgmental woman in the world and ask her what she looks for in a man. "He has to be right with Jesus, that's all that matters." Really, so you'd date a guy shorter than you? "Of course not." When womens standards go down chivalry goes up.
 
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coby

Guest
#19
#19
melita916 said:
i have the same question o_O
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Israel and Judah and He gave Israel a bill of divorce and He's gonna marry for the third time and Jesus was a single noone wanted to give his daughter to.
 
PoetMary

PoetMary

Banned
#20
Nov 25, 2014
942
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#20
tannerbrody said:
My cousin went on a dating site and after getting no responses changed his status from 'never married' to 'divorced'. Suddenly he started getting responses. When he met his now girlfriend he confessed that he lied and was never married. Her response, "Honestly I probably wouldn't have responded if I knew the truth. When a woman see a 40 yr old man who's never been married that raises a flag flag. We want someone who's been able to get someone else." Sad but true. You could meet the most unjudgmental woman in the world and ask her what she looks for in a man. "He has to be right with Jesus, that's all that matters." Really, so you'd date a guy shorter than you? "Of course not." When womens standards go down chivalry goes up.
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The virtue of a man should NEVER be based on the behavior of others. It should be based on WHAT IS RIGHT. CHIVALRY was a concept that expressed the philosophy that womanhood was inherently worthy of special honor and protection. If it is RIGHT to have a certain level of honor and protection toward WOMANHOOD, then that exists regardless of the woman. If a woman says, "I don't need your stinkin' protection!!!!"...doesn't matter, womanhood is worthy of honor and protection. If a woman says, "I'm not even interested in a man unless he has XYZ"...doesn't matter womanhood is worthy of honor and protection. If a woman is lacking in virtue..doesn't matter womanhood is worthy of honor and protection.

What you're talking about has NOTHING to do with chivalry. Basically you're saying, "Men don't have to be nice to women unless women are nice first." This is not remotely biblical. However, it does express what THE WORLD believes.
 
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