What is considered appropriate or inappropriate when it comes to other singles?

[Markum1972]

I am just kind of wondering what others find as acceptable or unacceptable when it comes to the opposite sex.

Specifically singles and I don't mean anything that would be obviously offensive.

What are the boundaries that take one from acceptable to unacceptable, appropriate to inappropriate, comfortable to uncomfortable?

What might make you feel awkward or uncomfortable? Maybe you have an example of something that happened?

For example, would it be appropriate or inappropriate to compliment someone on their looks; like a man saying to a woman that he thinks she is beautiful, or likewise a woman telling a man that she thinks he is handsome?

 

[cinder]

Honestly, I think this is one of those things where every person is going to have different boundaries. I can't hold myself up as an example of having clear boundaries that I stick to in this area since I don't follow my own advice all the time. And yes I've gotten into a few sticky and difficult situations because of it.

A lot depends upon context but a big one for me is physical contact: I've become more careful to make sure guys I know are okay about me hugging them and I don't cuddle or flirt etc with guys who are just friends. I won't ever tell a guy I think he's outright good looking, but I might tell him that he looks good today if his outfit is particularly nice or I really like it or something.

The other thing that a wise man once said and deserves repeating was something along the lines of keep some personal information for only your spouse to know. So there's definitely a thing such as oversharing.

 

[Markum1972]

Honestly, I think this is one of those things where every person is going to have different boundaries. I can't hold myself up as an example of having clear boundaries that I stick to in this area since I don't follow my own advice all the time. And yes I've gotten into a few sticky and difficult situations because of it.

A lot depends upon context but a big one for me is physical contact: I've become more careful to make sure guys I know are okay about me hugging them and I don't cuddle or flirt etc with guys who are just friends. I won't ever tell a guy I think he's outright good looking, but I might tell him that he looks good today if his outfit is particularly nice or I really like it or something.

The other thing that a wise man once said and deserves repeating was something along the lines of keep some personal information for only your spouse to know. So there's definitely a thing such as oversharing.

Thanks for sharing. That makes a lot of sense. Especially what you said about over sharing. I can certainly see how I had done this in the past mainly because of thinking I had "found the one". I am not sure about others, but I think I had shared things I wanted to be reserved for a spouse because of thinking that I had found that person. Is this something that others have experienced as well?

So even though you wouldn't tell a guy he is good looking, how would you feel if a man told you that he thought you were beautiful? What would be going through your head? How would you react? I am curious as to how people might react differently to this, and why.

 

[Ugly]

Yeah, this is entirely subjective. There are a ton of varying factors at work here that would determine the answer. Some people may have a flat, easy answer, but i think most people it just depends.

 

[Markum1972]

Yeah, this is entirely subjective. There are a ton of varying factors at work here that would determine the answer. Some people may have a flat, easy answer, but i think most people it just depends.

It just seems strange to me. I see some pleased by a certain compliment or action while others are uncomfortable or even offended by the same thing. It almost seems like gambling when one tries to compliment a member of the opposite sex. lol

I guess if one truly cared for a person, they would first get to know what it is that they like and don't like. Maybe it is just that simple.

 

[zeroturbulence]

For example, would it be appropriate or inappropriate to compliment someone on their looks; like a man saying to a woman that he thinks she is beautiful, or likewise a woman telling a man that she thinks he is handsome?

It depends on the woman. Some women take a simple, unexpected compliment to mean that you are interested in her. Some don't.

 

[cinder]

So even though you wouldn't tell a guy he is good looking, how would you feel if a man told you that he thought you were beautiful? What would be going through your head? How would you react? I am curious as to how people might react differently to this, and why.

Truthfully, if a guy told me just flat out I was beautiful I would be unlikely to believe him. I'd think it was weird, but probably write it off to either he was trying to be nice or encouraging. If he keeps at it or starts harping on it; I'll probably get annoyed really quickly, it should be clear that if I don't respond it is because it is not something I'm willing to talk about. However, a you look nice today when it is clear I've put in some effort on my appearance (i.e. maybe jewelry or even *gasp* wearing a dress) then that is appreciated because it lets me know someone has noticed the effort.

 

[gypsygirl]

i think intention is a lot more relevant to me than the words. like if i receive a compliment from someone, and i believe it is a sincere expression, it's far more comfortable. or specific in nature, i.e. i like your ___.

that said, what IS creepy to me, is the same guy paying the same compliment over and over. for example, i know someone who isn't really a friend, but attends my church. he has gone out of his way more than two or three times to pay me compliments about the way i look, or my general appearance. but never acknowledges anything else. i find that uncomfortable.

so to me, it's really about the relationship, the intention, and the balance. maybe i'm the only one who feels this way, but i don't really like people (especially guys i don't know well) to make a big deal about my appearance, even more so when that is all they seem to notice about me. there are lots and lots of compliments people can pay, so i'd say, spread it around.

and i agree with cinder about the physical contact. at my church there is just way too much peer pressure on the hugging people we don't know. if you're not my people, my kin, or otherwise close to me, a handshake will do nicely. and if somehow we end up hugging, please don't get in "my space". just lean in, or whatever. i've found myself in a couple awkward situations where i am letting go and they are still holding on. just.let.go.

 

[kenthomas27]

i think intention is a lot more relevant to me than the words. like if i receive a compliment from someone, and i believe it is a sincere expression, it's far more comfortable. or specific in nature, i.e. i like your ___.

that said, what IS creepy to me, is the same guy paying the same compliment over and over. for example, i know someone who isn't really a friend, but attends my church. he has gone out of his way more than two or three times to pay me compliments about the way i look, or my general appearance. but never acknowledges anything else. i find that uncomfortable.

so to me, it's really about the relationship, the intention, and the balance. maybe i'm the only one who feels this way, but i don't really like people (especially guys i don't know well) to make a big deal about my appearance, even more so when that is all they seem to notice about me. there are lots and lots of compliments people can pay, so i'd say, spread it around.

and i agree with cinder about the physical contact. at my church there is just way too much peer pressure on the hugging people we don't know. if you're not my people, my kin, or otherwise close to me, a handshake will do nicely. and if somehow we end up hugging, please don't get in "my space". just lean in, or whatever. i've found myself in a couple awkward situations where i am letting go and they are still holding on. just.let.go.

I thought you looked good when you said that just then.

 

[Cee]

Well said Gypsy Girl!

Btw, I like your boots.

C.

i think intention is a lot more relevant to me than the words. like if i receive a compliment from someone, and i believe it is a sincere expression, it's far more comfortable. or specific in nature, i.e. i like your ___.

that said, what IS creepy to me, is the same guy paying the same compliment over and over. for example, i know someone who isn't really a friend, but attends my church. he has gone out of his way more than two or three times to pay me compliments about the way i look, or my general appearance. but never acknowledges anything else. i find that uncomfortable.

so to me, it's really about the relationship, the intention, and the balance. maybe i'm the only one who feels this way, but i don't really like people (especially guys i don't know well) to make a big deal about my appearance, even more so when that is all they seem to notice about me. there are lots and lots of compliments people can pay, so i'd say, spread it around.

and i agree with cinder about the physical contact. at my church there is just way too much peer pressure on the hugging people we don't know. if you're not my people, my kin, or otherwise close to me, a handshake will do nicely. and if somehow we end up hugging, please don't get in "my space". just lean in, or whatever. i've found myself in a couple awkward situations where i am letting go and they are still holding on. just.let.go.

 

[Cee]

As a man, I've fallen into troubled waters by giving girls I wasn't interested in compliments on their looks. In most circles, I've found that it's generally considered the man who is to show interest (i.e. pursue) so any sort of outward sign can be seen as interest.

If a woman gives me a compliment at first I'll pass it off as her just being friendly. If it continues, then I'll start to consider she wants me to know she may be interested in getting to know me "better".

I believe specific compliments are the best, as opposed to you look beautiful. Number one it shows a little effort on your part to notice someone. Number two it tells a person what you like, so it gives them feedback. Number three it invites conversation. As opposed to a general compliment all you'll get is (maybe) thank you.

Overall though I think it shows the importance of us being open and giving feedback to each other, if we feel uncomfortable, misunderstood, disrespected, etc. Because our ability to love one another is how the world knows our love for God (his disciples). And words of affirmation are a way SOME people receive and give love.

Just like hugging for some people is a simple form of hello. And for others akin a major place of intimacy. Usually I've found if you move in closer to a person who doesn't want to be hugged while talking, they will take a small step backwards. This shows me this person may not feel comfortable with that place of intimacy.

At my church we have a lot of revival hugs. Which can sometimes go for a few minutes. It's weird at first, but then you start to receive the love and it breaks down a lot of fear, worry, and anxiety. But it's always good to gauge your relationship with a person first.

Cool question though.

C.

 

[maxwel]

I usually just ignore women.
That solves pretty much every problem.

The second you start giving a girl compliments, or touching her in ANY way,
she's going to assume you're flirting.
If you AREN'T flirting... then DON'T DO THAT!

Don't give a girl those signals if you aren't interested in her!

If you really like a girl, then it's fine to give her those signals, and see what happens.
But if you do that to EVERY girl at church, you're going to be ostracized...
and you deserve to be.

: )

 

[psychomom]

I usually just ignore women.
That solves pretty much every problem.

*ellie folds her arms and taps her foot impatiently*

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

that said, what IS creepy to me, is the same guy paying the same compliment over and over. for example, i know someone who isn't really a friend, but attends my church. he has gone out of his way more than two or three times to pay me compliments about the way i look, or my general appearance. but never acknowledges anything else. i find that uncomfortable.

This isn't a man, but there's a women in my church who does this. Every single Sunday she tells me that she likes what I'm wearing. Not just in passing, but actually makes a point to do it.

"I like that skirt you have on."

"Oh, thanks!"

"Is it new?

"No... I've had it a while." (I've worn it three times and you complimented it all three times. )

"Well, it looks nice on you."

*cheerful smile*

In her case, I know that she's just really wanting to make conversation, but feels awkward and doesn't know what to say, so she reverts to compliments on my clothing by habit. It's funny... I can predict to the second exactly when it's going to happen. And I know that it's just routine. But I always smile and thank you anyway because she's trying.

(Not the same as the creepy guy you mentioned gypsy... but it reminded me of my own clothes complimenter.)

 

[rachelsedge]

I think it can be a bit more sensitive online/via text (any sort of text: email, text message, etc.). In real life, there are typically other cues. Someone with a kind smile who maintains eye contact while saying, "You look pretty in that shirt!" is totally different than someone eyeing me up and down, eyes lingering on places they shouldn't, saying the same thing. Context, body language, tone, etc. can all make a difference.

Online or over text can be a bit different and a little harder to draw the line because you don't have other cues. But, I think if you know the person a bit and their intent, that definitely helps. I'm trying to think of examples but my brain's battery power is at about 5% at the moment.

 

[gypsygirl]

This isn't a man, but there's a women in my church who does this. Every single Sunday she tells me that she likes what I'm wearing. Not just in passing, but actually makes a point to do it.

"I like that skirt you have on."

"Oh, thanks!"

"Is it new?

"No... I've had it a while." (I've worn it three times and you complimented it all three times. )

"Well, it looks nice on you."

*cheerful smile*

In her case, I know that she's just really wanting to make conversation, but feels awkward and doesn't know what to say, so she reverts to compliments on my clothing by habit. It's funny... I can predict to the second exactly when it's going to happen. And I know that it's just routine. But I always smile and thank you anyway because she's trying.

(Not the same as the creepy guy you mentioned gypsy... but it reminded me of my own clothes complimenter.)

actually, i think it's quite similar in that, some people are trying to make conversation, or make some kind of connection, and that is the only way they know how, is to say something like that. while it sounded like i was whining a bit when i wrote it, i really do think he's just trying to do the same thing. : )

 

[christian74]

This isn't a man, but there's a women in my church who does this. Every single Sunday she tells me that she likes what I'm wearing. Not just in passing, but actually makes a point to do it.

"I like that skirt you have on."

"Oh, thanks!"

"Is it new?

"No... I've had it a while." (I've worn it three times and you complimented it all three times. )

"Well, it looks nice on you."

*cheerful smile*

In her case, I know that she's just really wanting to make conversation, but feels awkward and doesn't know what to say, so she reverts to compliments on my clothing by habit. It's funny... I can predict to the second exactly when it's going to happen. And I know that it's just routine. But I always smile and thank you anyway because she's trying.

(Not the same as the creepy guy you mentioned gypsy... but it reminded me of my own clothes complimenter.)

You know, now I think of it, there's this man from my church who ALWAYS compliments me whenever I wear this one shirt that I personally find not so compliments-worthy (I pretty much wear whatever is comfortable when I go to church). This happened at least 3 times and thought he just really likes the shirt...

 

[Nick01]

I think it frankly only becomes inappropriate when it's clearly just someone oggling/going out of their way to be inappropriate in an overt, deliberate way, or when someone persists in doing something that they've been told previously is inappropriate.

I'm willing to forgive all kinds of social faux pas as long as it happens only once, and a person takes a hint and truly backs off. To me, that speaks volumes more about a person than almost anything else - are you correctable. Because, let's face it, we all need correcting from time to time.

 

[Roh_Chris]

I can't define any boundaries per se, but I could give some pointers. Hopefully that will be helpful and answer your questions.


Here are things that are acceptable for me, and they hold true for both genders -
1. A stranger smiling at me at first glance. Maybe even a wave or a hello.
2. A friend greeting me with a hug. Sometimes, I even greet my friends with a kiss.
3. A friend complimenting me on my looks.
4. Strangers striking a conversation with me. (I do this a lot myself while I am travelling, waiting at a queue, shopping, chillin' at a cafe, etc.)


And these are things that make me squirm -
1. The same stranger giving me long stares from the corner of her eyes. I can only think that she wants to talk to me but is unsure how to do it.
2. If you talk to me with the attitude that I am someone superior to you. There is one person who often meets and talks to me. And he always wants to know what I am doing, where I am travelling, etc. It is not born out of genuine concern, but it is out of the feeling that I am superior to him (like my talents, my job, etc.). It makes me very uncomfortable so I even avoid eye-contact with him.


These are situations that light up a lot of alarms in my head (read, downright creepy) -
1. Random stranger - "Hi. Do you come here often?"
Uh, I used to. But not anymore after you asked me that question...

2. "Hey, are you single?"
No. I am married.

"That's okay. Are you looking for a fling?"
Uh? What?

(I had a 40-something year old woman ask me this once.) -.-

3. Random stranger chats me up while shopping and 2 minutes into the conversation, asks me "So what do you do?"
I shop.

4. Asking too many questions under the pretext of "getting to know me". If after 15 minutes of talking I have been the only one answering the questions, then I will pretend to answer a call and walk away from him/her.

5. Invading my space. I am usually a very sociable person, but that does not mean you stand brushing yourself against me.

6. If you are going to stand behind me and strike a conversation, please do that from 3 feet away. Any closer than that and I may punch you.

 

[christian74]

I work with lot of women - married, engaged, divorced, single - and I take caution when it comes to complimenting them, usually when they are dressed up, did their hair and etc. I say 'caution' because you should know your boundaries, especially with married women, even if you are close with them - basically treat them as if you want your wife to be treated at her work place by male coworkers.

I know I've expressed my gratitude to some people here at CC through either Message or PM (I recognize 4 of them on this thread alone haha) when I feel compelled to do so because of their inspiring posts, godly character, etc. Haha, I hope none of them felt awkward or anything.