With So Many "Fish in the Sea", How Many Should Someone be Baiting at Once?

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Hamarr

Guest
#42
I read a book that was advocating an approach similar to what Cinder was talking about. For someone like me who is pretty bad at socializing in groups, that sort of approach would probably be ideal for getting to know some people. It does require keeping a more casual attitude toward dating initially. If I were doing dating like this, I would break things once I got serious with someone.

It seems like most people I know who date seem to only date pretty seriously from the start. Like they go out a couple fo times and then they are "together" until it doesn't work out, and then they move on to the next person. That seems to be the case with my non-Christian friends, anyway.
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
3,450
1,525
113
#44
I read a book that was advocating an approach similar to what Cinder was talking about. For someone like me who is pretty bad at socializing in groups, that sort of approach would probably be ideal for getting to know some people. It does require keeping a more casual attitude toward dating initially. If I were doing dating like this, I would break things once I got serious with someone.

It seems like most people I know who date seem to only date pretty seriously from the start. Like they go out a couple fo times and then they are "together" until it doesn't work out, and then they move on to the next person. That seems to be the case with my non-Christian friends, anyway.

I do wonder if that book was similar to whatever it was I came across that talked about how the whole "courtship" movement that was popular in the church during my teenagerhood really kind of put so much pressure on the first date that it was doomed to fail. I know for myself, not that I really have plans of dating, but I'm much more likely to say yes to a one off date with no further commitment than the prospect of agreeing to a relationship with someone I don't feel I know very well. Either way, I tend to deal with big decisions by asking way too many questions and overpreparing, which means that any guy who has the courage to ask me on a date should probably be prepared for a pre-date interrogation just so I can collect enough data to decide if this is a good idea or not.
 
H

Hamarr

Guest
#45
I do wonder if that book was similar to whatever it was I came across that talked about how the whole "courtship" movement that was popular in the church during my teenagerhood really kind of put so much pressure on the first date that it was doomed to fail. I know for myself, not that I really have plans of dating, but I'm much more likely to say yes to a one off date with no further commitment than the prospect of agreeing to a relationship with someone I don't feel I know very well. Either way, I tend to deal with big decisions by asking way too many questions and overpreparing, which means that any guy who has the courage to ask me on a date should probably be prepared for a pre-date interrogation just so I can collect enough data to decide if this is a good idea or not.

I linked the book above. It was called Courtship in Crisis. I was going to talk about this a little more above, but wasn't sure what to say exactly. I was in high school when the whole Courtship was taking off. Everyone was wanting to do only group stuff to get to know each other and then it was talking to parents and all that. It was way too much pressure. I did actually talk to a girl's father not knowing what I was doing. I was a bit of an idiot, but I wanted to ask someone out.

Debra Fileta talks about this quite a bit. She wrote the forward to Courtship in Crisis. Her site http://www.truelovedates.com has a lot of stuff pushing to date more casually. I didn't listen to the podcast yet, but she interviewed the guy who wrote the book advocating courtship recently. I guess he had a change of heart about it, as well.
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
3,450
1,525
113
#46
I linked the book above. It was called Courtship in Crisis. I was going to talk about this a little more above, but wasn't sure what to say exactly. I was in high school when the whole Courtship was taking off. Everyone was wanting to do only group stuff to get to know each other and then it was talking to parents and all that. It was way too much pressure. I did actually talk to a girl's father not knowing what I was doing. I was a bit of an idiot, but I wanted to ask someone out.

Debra Fileta talks about this quite a bit. She wrote the forward to Courtship in Crisis. Her site http://www.truelovedates.com has a lot of stuff pushing to date more casually. I didn't listen to the podcast yet, but she interviewed the guy who wrote the book advocating courtship recently. I guess he had a change of heart about it, as well.
The I kissed dating goodbye book, I saw a internet documentary on that he did. It's called I survived I kissed dating goobye. Though I think his most relevant point was something about maybe you shouldn't make an unmarried 20 something year old your authority on how to do dating right.
 
H

Hamarr

Guest
#47
The I kissed dating goodbye book, I saw a internet documentary on that he did. It's called I survived I kissed dating goobye. Though I think his most relevant point was something about maybe you shouldn't make an unmarried 20 something year old your authority on how to do dating right.
That is nuts. I always wonder about that when I see someone posting comments from some guy and then hold them up as the standard for dating. I guess that is similar to other things. But in dating in particular, I often see a soundbite that is good for drawing applause, but doesn't necessarily hold up to much scrutiny.

I just googled the Joshua Harris out of curiousity. He put out a statement about it and took the book out of publication apparently?
https://joshharris.com/statement/ I'm going to have to listen to that podcast with him later.

EDIT - I want to watch that documentary, too. Duh. The link to watch can be found on the site I linked. lol.
 

Solemateleft

Honor, Courage, Commitment
Jun 25, 2017
1,571
1,425
113
#48
Hey Everyone,

It's a given that many of us hope to find a special someone. But, we're also all pressed for time, as well as getting a little (cough, cough) older. Everyone tells us to "wait on the Lord", but then we are also told that God won't drop someone into our lap, so we actually have to get up (gasp!) and start looking!

However... How aggressively are we allowed to be looking?

* Is it ok to write a generic "Hey, I'd like to get to know you" message, and send it out to a hundred possible candidates at one time?

* Is it ok to instant message 10 different people you might be interested in--all at one time? And if you don't have any luck that day, is it ok to instant message another 10 the next day, just waiting for someone to tug on the line?

* If a person IS talking to several possible candidates at once, how do they juggle them all fairly, and how do you start deciding who gets eliminated? How do you narrow it down to one lucky candidate, or is it ok to keep several people "on the line" "just in case" one doesn't work out?

I have to be honest in saying that if I get a feeling or proof that I'm just a number on a hook, my choice will be to bail out immediately. I understand that most people probably feel they don't have the time to approach people one at a time, take the time to get to know them, and then risk having that time "wasted" when things don't work out and they could be getting to know 10 other "maybe's" at the same time, but that seems to be the way it works now days.

Granted, I'm probably the last person anyone would want to look to as an example of how to find someone. I've always stuck to the "old-fashioned" ways of meeting people on forums (strike up a friendship and see where it goes over some time), and that's probably why I'm still single after many long years--but I've made great friends along the way, and I have no regrets.

However, I understand that most people want to find someone as soon as possible (and maybe even get married on their birthday of this year :)), but what is the difference between "actively looking"... and simply throwing out line after line or casting a net as wide as possible--or is this the way to go?

Where is the line between doing all we can do, and making people feel as if they're being put on hold--while the other person makes sure there isn't someone better on another line?

I'd really like to hear everyone's thoughts about this, because it's happening all the time.
Seoulsearch, just getting back to re-reading your OP (sorry, have been crazy busy this week) and meant to follow up with a subtle dynamic regarding the notion of casting a wide net or numerous lines on a frequent basis...
So, I suspect that the degree 'subtleness' on those lines or nets is all relative to whether or not you are likely to get any nibbles and whether any of those nibbles warrant a slightly more subtle tug.
I think that so many of us have been caught and thrown back into the pond, that many people are just very guarded if not risk averse. I do suspect that many peoples degree of uncertainty and apprehension are directly associated with the degree of subtlty on those nets and lines that have been casted.
I hypothesize that a slightly more tugging on those lines may serve useful to eliminate some people's uncertainty and apprehension.
Of course, all my contributions are purely theoretical... Requires more testing and evaluation...
 

cwizzle07

Active member
Jan 18, 2019
184
165
43
37
#49
As they say... fools rush in and anything good doesn't come easy. Take your time and really get to know that person. Text and/or talk to lots of people to see what you want and don't want. It's not a race, it's a covenant from God... not to be taken lightly!
I think this is great advice!
 

MegMarch

Well-known member
Nov 11, 2019
422
401
63
#51
Thread bump. My comment doesn’t address all of your questions, but only the one about talking to multiple people.

If I am single, I feel free to talk to whomever in order to get to know people. When I am exclusively in a relationship, I will not continue to text other guys who may be questionably interested in me in a romantic way. I might still have friends who are guys that I see in person at work or working out, but I’m not going to make things messy by texting multiple guys all the time. I will be emotionally dedicated and loyal to my boyfriend or husband.
 

Ghoti2

Well-known member
Nov 8, 2019
469
281
63
#52
Hey Everyone,

It's a given that many of us hope to find a special someone. But, we're also all pressed for time, as well as getting a little (cough, cough) older. Everyone tells us to "wait on the Lord", but then we are also told that God won't drop someone into our lap, so we actually have to get up (gasp!) and start looking!

However... How aggressively are we allowed to be looking?

* Is it ok to write a generic "Hey, I'd like to get to know you" message, and send it out to a hundred possible candidates at one time?

* Is it ok to instant message 10 different people you might be interested in--all at one time? And if you don't have any luck that day, is it ok to instant message another 10 the next day, just waiting for someone to tug on the line?

* If a person IS talking to several possible candidates at once, how do they juggle them all fairly, and how do you start deciding who gets eliminated? How do you narrow it down to one lucky candidate, or is it ok to keep several people "on the line" "just in case" one doesn't work out?

I have to be honest in saying that if I get a feeling or proof that I'm just a number on a hook, my choice will be to bail out immediately. I understand that most people probably feel they don't have the time to approach people one at a time, take the time to get to know them, and then risk having that time "wasted" when things don't work out and they could be getting to know 10 other "maybe's" at the same time, but that seems to be the way it works now days.

Granted, I'm probably the last person anyone would want to look to as an example of how to find someone. I've always stuck to the "old-fashioned" ways of meeting people on forums (strike up a friendship and see where it goes over some time), and that's probably why I'm still single after many long years--but I've made great friends along the way, and I have no regrets.

However, I understand that most people want to find someone as soon as possible (and maybe even get married on their birthday of this year :)), but what is the difference between "actively looking"... and simply throwing out line after line or casting a net as wide as possible--or is this the way to go?

Where is the line between doing all we can do, and making people feel as if they're being put on hold--while the other person makes sure there isn't someone better on another line?

I'd really like to hear everyone's thoughts about this, because it's happening all the time.
I doubt that's the reason...………. LOL
 

laughingheart

Senior Member
Sep 21, 2016
1,691
1,598
113
#53
I think it all goes back to the attitude of the heart. If you represent yourself in a false way it doesn't matter if it is technically OK, you know it isn't right. If a fellow is talking to many women then just be clear. There is no harm in that. No one wants to be spammed with "Hi there. I wanted to say hello, because after I read your profile, I knew you were someone special. Your smile was so captivating. Do I sound like a school boy? I guess there is something about you that makes me feel this way,...". I wish I had just made this up. My friend sent it to me and said that 4 of her friends received the same message from the same guy. Obviously there is an intent to deceive.
If a fellow is online and sends a handful of "Hello" messages to different women, it is a simple attempt to open up conversations with strangers who catch his eye (hopefully it is actually the profiles attached to the photos that stand out, but I know I'm pushing the hopefulness). Just communicate and be authentic. Any attempt to cover up other communications tell you a lot about their character.
OK. I will gingerly dismount my soapbox and go make myself a nice cup of cocoa. Can you tell I'm avoiding dealing with the Christmas wrapping I haven't started? I digress.
 
Dec 2, 2019
32
20
8
#54
Hey Everyone,

It's a given that many of us hope to find a special someone. But, we're also all pressed for time, as well as getting a little (cough, cough) older. Everyone tells us to "wait on the Lord", but then we are also told that God won't drop someone into our lap, so we actually have to get up (gasp!) and start looking!

However... How aggressively are we allowed to be looking?

* Is it ok to write a generic "Hey, I'd like to get to know you" message, and send it out to a hundred possible candidates at one time?

* Is it ok to instant message 10 different people you might be interested in--all at one time? And if you don't have any luck that day, is it ok to instant message another 10 the next day, just waiting for someone to tug on the line?

* If a person IS talking to several possible candidates at once, how do they juggle them all fairly, and how do you start deciding who gets eliminated? How do you narrow it down to one lucky candidate, or is it ok to keep several people "on the line" "just in case" one doesn't work out?

I have to be honest in saying that if I get a feeling or proof that I'm just a number on a hook, my choice will be to bail out immediately. I understand that most people probably feel they don't have the time to approach people one at a time, take the time to get to know them, and then risk having that time "wasted" when things don't work out and they could be getting to know 10 other "maybe's" at the same time, but that seems to be the way it works now days.

Granted, I'm probably the last person anyone would want to look to as an example of how to find someone. I've always stuck to the "old-fashioned" ways of meeting people on forums (strike up a friendship and see where it goes over some time), and that's probably why I'm still single after many long years--but I've made great friends along the way, and I have no regrets.

However, I understand that most people want to find someone as soon as possible (and maybe even get married on their birthday of this year :)), but what is the difference between "actively looking"... and simply throwing out line after line or casting a net as wide as possible--or is this the way to go?

Where is the line between doing all we can do, and making people feel as if they're being put on hold--while the other person makes sure there isn't someone better on another line?

I'd really like to hear everyone's thoughts about this, because it's happening all the time.
This is such a great question. Worldly dating advice encourages men and women to court multiple partners to varying degrees until a discussion of exclusivity/ monogamy is had within a couple.

I can see why this might be jarring and raise questions about Christian dating principles.

It is a vast topic and I don’t have a lot to offer in terms up scripture but I would say emailing or messaging multiple people simultaneously is fine but when it comes to going one-on-one dates I would do the following;

For example, you go on a first date with jo. Then you meet bill the next day and you go on a first date with Bill later that week. Before going on a second date with bill I would tell jo I was no longer interested.
 

BrotherMike

Be Still and Know
Jan 8, 2018
1,106
1,251
113
#55
I agree with MegMarch, the only reason singles should not be getting to know people for a potential relationship is if both parties agree they are in a relationship... otherwise both should be free to chat with whoever they want. Some get attached way to early and that can burn them. Be sure to know your status and never assume.
 

17Bees

Senior Member
Oct 14, 2016
1,019
595
113
#56
I....I can't believe someone actually said "do I sound like a school boy?'
 

BrotherMike

Be Still and Know
Jan 8, 2018
1,106
1,251
113
#57
I've heard males and females on CC say they'd like to meet someone. What about a Forum like 'CC Mingles'? There would have to b qualifying matters like age, location, likes, dislikes etc. and maybe that would b too complicated for CC to handle. Also, hopefully if a meeting didn't work out, that would not effect future postings between the pair. Idk, but I hear ya, for those who are longing for a b,g/friend, wife/hub/ or just a companion, a descent handy way to do this would b a Godsend. Idk if you've heard of Dr David Cho, So Korean Christian minister--Church 830,000, who has a book 'The Fourth Dimension, of Answered Prayer'. My Pastor said Dr Cho was in a town and a lady came up for prayer who had been praying for a husband for 10 yrs. So Dr Cho prayed and told this gal a few things to do. Within the year a Christian band came through and the drummer was sought after by many of the gals but he went straight to the lady who met Dr Cho. They have been married ever since. Also, a secular family show I watch, House Hunters, has mostly couples looking for homes and about 1/2 met online and seem thrilled to b married.
I’ve heard in the past this is not a dating site... still true today?
 

morefaithrequired

Well-known member
Sep 28, 2019
2,194
1,258
113
#58
I used to like fishing by the way. But in the end Im not suited to hobbies which require a lot of odds and ends equipment. Hooks, sinkers, baits, decoys,reels, rods, boats....

no thanks
 

Tinkerbell725

Senior Member
Jul 19, 2014
3,982
1,002
113
Philippines Age 40
#60
There are guys who are just friendly in getting to know multiple potential girlfriends. But there are those who are flirts, who will stir a woman's heart and make women fall for them and then ghost them. I prefer the friendly guy. He is more of a gentleman with integrity. I will not be hurt if he is not the one since everyone has a freedom of choice. So where is that line, there is no line. Men should do their best because fishing is a serious matter. They should do their best not to hurt the fragile hearts of women.