Let me start this by saying I am a Bible-believing Christian. I was raised in the faith and got saved when I was 17. I know my stuff, got it?
Anyway, Christians are supposed to have hope, but the problem is, I'm not seeing too much of it right now. I know I live in the first world and therefore do not have the right to feel bad about anything, but I'm gonna be brutally honest. I'm one year away from turning 30, and I see my life afterward as a downward hill of loss for everything and everyone that's given my life meaning.
My parents, my youthful energy, my personality and drive, my home, and then my life. Time is moving way too fast for me to keep up with it, and I knew I'm gonna lose all those things before I know it. I'm not married and don't have kids (and don't ever intend to do either), and I also have next to no friends outside my family, despite my years of trying to make some (friendship is apparently too much trouble nowadays).
I honestly view the coming decades as seeing me slowly decaying in a shed in my sister's backyard, yearning for human interaction but too angry and embittered by life to receive any. And then I'll die alone, with no one and nothing left with me.
I find the idea distasteful, but at the moment, it just seems inevitable to me. I don't wanna wait till I'm dead to actually have some sense of "joy" (as most Christians would call it). And as much of a Christian as I am, I will admit I do not read my Bible and do not attend church. The former, because I'm tired of reading the same things I've heard all my life over and over again. The latter, because Churches in general just don't know what to do with people like me.
And for all that "relationship with God" talk, I call BS. God and I are nothing alike, and after trying everything I was told to do and receiving no lasting results, I've given up. If there's any relationship between us, it's strictly one of business.
And going back to how Christians are supposed to have hope, I remember distinctly being 9 years old and thinking, "I don't wanna live forever." People keep saying the new heaven and the new earth will be infinitely better than now, and to that I say, "How? Have you been there? Can you give me any real info beyond what the Bible says (which isn't much)?"
The fact of the matter is, this life is all I know. I don't care if it's fallen. And as inevitable as it is, I find the idea of 5 decades of terminal decline utterly distasteful. And then I'm gonna be forced to give it up for some vague, abstract concept of a world that's supposed to be better but gives me no reason to support that claim. I'm supposed to have faith in God, and I want to. But it makes me angry thinking of how utterly powerless I am over 90% of my life. It makes me wonder why I was even born to begin with.
For a lot of people, nebulous faith may be fine, but the truth is, not everyone can have an intimate "relationship" with God. Some of us need something concrete and certain, something we can imagine. And for all the promises God and eternal life with him offer, I just don't think he can give me that. I can't look forward to what I can't imagine.
Enjoy your early years while you can younger people, 'cause sooner or later, it's all gonna be snatched away.