I have not posted something I felt called to answer in a while, and after reading most of the posts I have seen from you....I feel called to say and share some stuff from my own life.
Sometimes the Lord, yes I am saying the LORD and not Satan, puts us into situations that are perplexing, difficult and even fatiguing....it feels like we can learn nothing but as one of your posts was titled 'suffering'...[a little off subject, this sunday's sermon at clear waters church in charlottesville was on 'considering suffering a great joy' that when fulfilled leaves us COMPLETE-not lacking anything. Consider means before you even see anything else as an outcome from it--you have made up your mind that it will be 'a great joy.' This relates to what I have read in a lot of your posts and I just remembered it now, so sorry for the slight rabbit trail]
I too have been in these dramatic situations where it feels like there is no place to run to...no place even to find the calmness of spirit and apart from noise to simple PRAY...but you have to find this amist the chaos of your life, even now, where you are, for whatever reason...but you DO NOT have to let anything happen to you...I have used a few 'tricks' (not real tricks but handy wisdom to get through a lot of troubling situations)...the first is, if I was you, you have got to look the beast ( aka the guy) dead in the face and tell him that
Christ guards you and in the name of Christ demand him to stop...the Bible says that in Christ you have AUTHORITY and if you do not use it--what good is it? I would even be harsh, remembering the words Jesus even gave Peter who seems to have been a thousand times 'better' than the wretch you have to deal with. Tell him something like "
Son of the Cursed you shall not touch me, I am a Daughter of the Living God and may your own desires consume you." This is to a curse but a reality (the desire be it for God or for whatever is what will consume a person and if he desires evil it will rot his heart and mind), if it cause him to repent, then obviously it would no longer aply if he converts to Christianity, but you have to make known to him that you see what he is trying to do in a dark corner and that you are willing to destroy whatever darkness he casts at you with the Light of Christ...perhaps also add something about "
how you see the corruption that is in his heart and you bind it in the name of Jesus Christ, that you also refuse to accept his darkness, and that you will stand in the light, even to death"...if you believe that Christ has power, this will change many things...the other, when situations seem to be spinning outside your control and it feels your very soul is getting lost/taken in the whirlwind, then say this simple phrase "
Jesus is here." I once had a Bible I held dear to me that had a writing by some catholic 'saint' that said that "
Hasten, O God, to save me; O Lord, come quickly to my rescue" (Psalm 70:1) was a prayer that should be said everywhere and at all times by everyone. This phrase may also serve to allow your heart to seek refuge in him who is the only refuge, Jesus Christ and HIS WORD. I would learn these three phrases, they helped me a lot...a fourth suggestion, would be to actually DO what the Bible says in faith...call upon the Lord when in trouble, with even your audible voice, "
Lord be near to me" or "
Lord Jesus Christ" or "
Jesus the Lord is holy" have all been incredibly helpful to me when in traumatic situations, where I have felt the 'flood almost engulfing me' as the psalm says. I think you might find consolation in the psalms as someone else has suggested that is psalm 69, and psalm 88 come to mind. Let those psalms speak to your heart and soul and become a living prayer to you. Please read them...the Psalmest experiences a lot of the emotion I feel in your posts...
Last, I really do not believe you are mentally ill...I have discussions with ym brother all the time about what is the 'sane' view when you are dealt an 'insane' situation. I know that nobody but you has been in the chaos that you have shown and to the extant that you have. Your situation is unique. Know and have NO DOUBT that God loves you, Jesus loves you, and I love you, as well as any Christian that breathes does...and not in a superficial way, but in a way that we would and try to lay down our lives for you in whatever way we can...but as I have already shared how I have struggled and conquered in Christ, I have little more I 'advise' I can give you....perhaps learn to give all your heart to prayer, so that you 'yearn to meet with your God--the true and only God- as a deer pants for running streams.' God is faithful he will rescue you and prosper you.
One last thing. You are beautiful, and I am sure whatever awesome guy the Lord has for you to marry will be enthralled to have someone that God loves as much as He loves you...and He won't see you as damaged, but broken and holy--like all true Christians are.
God bless,
and may the Lord look after you now and always,
may he enlighten your mind,
lighten your heart, --also soften your heart
and brighten your eyes,
so that you always see, love, and adore him.
may he calm your heart,
still your mind,
and quite your body
so that you may worship Him in the splendor of his holiness,
with your body always before Him as a living sacrifice.
May He give you courage to stand up for the faith that He has given you.
tony---on a day when I was lost for most of the day...