I wish I was dead.

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Siberian_Khatru

Guest
#21
The Enemy is quite an adversary in the world. I was in a stupor very much identical to yours up until about a year ago, Ninotori. I'm not sure the "you're young" remarks are very constructive - rather condescending, even though I think people's hearts are in the right place.

Sometimes a catalyst - or a circumstance, experience, etc. - can be something of a necessary evil to make you come full circle. It was this very thing that revolutionized my mindset and attitude. While the experience was a painful one - and still is when I meditate on it - I will pray that something, painful or not, will come about that may do for you what it did for me.

God does indeed work in mysterious ways. :)
 
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EcarG

Guest
#22
The bottom line is regardless of what anyone says or how much we try to convince you of your worth, you are doing this to yourself. I used to be exactly the same way, you want help but you are so negative that everything anyone says, you can dispute and argue they are wrong. Satan has entered your mind, not in a possesive way, but he is definitly controlling the situation. The battle has just begun, you have to WANT a better life, regardless of friends and family or relationships,you are still alive for a reason, you say yu love God, do you honestly think God would ever make you suffer needlessly? That He get some pleasure in watching us self pity and cry? GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME, He is waiting for you to change your mind, He can't give you anything better if you don't find joy in the things you do have. You might have acne, but you don't have cancer, you might be fat, but you can walk, your not blnd or deaf or in a wheelchair. .yeah it cliche but its true, try to stop focusing on everything you aren't and see what you are. You were created for something, not just to be worth less! You have to chose life, and live by faith, no matter how it looka. Or feels, claim Joy claim peace! JESUS DIED FOR YOU, LIVE FOR HIM, BUT DON'T BE MISERABLE. . sorry if I come off harsh, I just hate when satan can form strongholds and we just accept it RESIST THE DEVIL AND HE WILL FLEE!
 
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Siberian_Khatru

Guest
#23
I digress, I am eager for death as well. My desire stems from what I believe in, though, and not because the worries of the world have me wanting a quick escape. There is no worse death than a life without hope.
 
Z

zeddie

Guest
#24
You don't wish you were dead, you are reaching out for help, I hope some of the replies inspired you- Just remember this my friend: God made you and He doesn't make mistakes, you are going to get through this storm, and become a better navigator of life- hang in there!
 
Feb 4, 2012
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#25
freud said thanatos is a real influence b ut who listens to durn coke heads anyway.

they have pills for your problem you know.
 
J

jonnoboy

Guest
#26
WOW,ok where does one start with this.... I am so SO sorry your feeling this way, it must be truly dreadful to not think your life is worthwhile..... Life is what you make of it though.... I mean i am not adventure Junkie, I don't go looking for great experiences, but its not what I want in life..... Listen you said earlier the only thing keeping you in life is the God, well talk to him them! This is rich coming from me, im writing this, and cringing as I know I need to talk more to him aswell! My favourite verse, (not sure where its from) When life brings you to your knees, remember your in the perfect position to pray! All i advise is that you pray and trust.... Keep with the Art work! You said you were "quite good" well keep it up, practice and make something of yourself! I belive in you! You just need a tad more confidence, and I think you will be fine..... God bless you Sister.... God bless!
God, I bring fourth today my lonely sister, she needs you God, she needs to think more about herself, help her to belive in herself and help her to think postive, help her to love the world again, allow her to trust her friends she has, and to make some new ones aswell...show her the way, Show her the path that you want her to go alone..... Thank you God, in your name we pray....

Amen

Please PLEASE, just trust in God... I know its not great advice, i know it hasnt given you answers, but i Belive in you! I belive in you!

God bless you Sister, and rememebr the verse..... When life brings you to your knees, remember your in the perfect position to pray......

I know you can do it! Good Luck
please inbox me if you need a stranger to talk to you!

Bye

Jonno X
 
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jonnoboy

Guest
#27
That is a really nice comment..... Please PLEASE listen to this advice..... Defo someone who knows what they are talking about!

God bless you!
 
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jonnoboy

Guest
#28
Sorry i forgot to add the quote bit i was talking about Ecar G comment
 

jandian

Senior Member
Feb 12, 2011
772
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#29
Dear Nintori, when did you start having these feelings?
 
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jkalyna

Guest
#30
I literally am at the point where the only thing keeping me from killing myself is my love for God, and knowing he and Jesus wouldn't apreciate me wasting their hard work by offing myself.

I dont know what I'm getting up for every day, save some stupid worthless responsibilities my family and the world expects me to maintain.

I do artwork for art school, all of which is tedious and inevitably worthless, and I never learn anything.

Meanwhile, I'm wasting a hundred thousand plus dollars on a degree I don't even want anymore.

I have no close friends here, just a few people who care a little and I see in passing on occasion. Nobody I've actually begun a real relationship with. I don't know if I ever have had that anyway.

I have no family here, I'm in another state and they are all back home. It doesnt matter anyway, my dad is absolutely nuts all the sudden, my sister doesnt even care to contact me, and my poor mom is drowning in her work. I never even hear about my stepmother. I cant even tell my own father how I'm feeling, because I know he'll just be angry, and he'll just do something stupid. I don't want to drop out and go home if it means ''ruining my life'' like he says, or to be put on a pill that wont help, or pay for a counselor to care. I just want someone to give me enough to be happy for and to stick around for until this pain is over. He wont give me that though, he just wants to solve the problem and make me stop crying so he can have the perfect daughter he loves to brag about again. I can't tell mom either. She has enough on her plate, besides. She suggests the pills too. I dont want to be put on a pill. Just because my problems aren't related to something you would consider valid doesnt mean a pill is going to make them go away. I don't want to just feel better, I want to BE better, I want my stupid issues to be fixed.

I cant go to anybody with my issues face to face it seems...nobody knows how to help, all they can do is give me cliche advice that means nothing or makes me feel worse. Or tell me to get help. God forbid I try to speak out in the only public forum where my friends see my posts on facebook too, given that my dad practically almost disowned me the last time I tried. Maybe there is really something wrong with me. Maybe I do belong in an institution. It would be a hell of alot easier than this.

What hope do I have in my future anyway? I know God promises a future, and good things, he never garuntees that we will have those things in this life though...plenty of people never get those prayers answered until they see his glory face to face. I look at what evidence there is of my future in my past and I see nothing good anyway.

I'm not pretty, I'm not special, I'm not useful thats for sure, I never get anything useful done. I'm a pretty good artist and I cant even sell my artwork to my friends. I'm not beautiful, dont lie to me and tell me I am now either because how am I supposed to believe a comment that comes after me saying I dont think so, thats only pity. Nobody has ever given me reason to believe I'm beautiful, nobody has been honest about it. I dont even like myself. I'm fat, I look ten years older than I actually am, my face has zits and dark circles, and I have a mans jawline. Some beautiful person I am. I dont expect a husband in my future either. I wouldn't marry a man who isnt the same spirituality as me, who has some beliefs in common, and that I could be attracted too inside and out. Wouldn't allow any less for him of course, which is why I dont see any husband in my life. I cant even find a friend with similar enough beliefs as me to get close let alone a man, and what man would willingly marry an ugly woman? Thats not fair to him. What good would a husband be anyway? Marriage means so little nowadays. Theres no garuntee it would last, a divorce would probably kill me. And kids would be beyond me too. After all, why would I want to bring children into this world? Its horrible and it has no future. They'd just be ugly and boring and alone like me, and they'd be put into a world thats meaner and uglier and more destroyed than it even is now. The world is overpopulated anyway.

So there goes everything I want to live for. I have no friends, I expect none, I have no relationship and I expect none, I wont have children, I have no safe future in this world, everything sucks. How can I have any confidence in my future given the state of the earth today anyway? The world is being run by the political class, our freedoms are gone and going away fast, pretty soon you won't even have an internet to be safe and hide on from the nasty world outside. The planet is dying, and by the time I'm old and my childred are wanting children the planet will barely even be a planet, as far as I'm told anyway. I dont have any reason to believe otherwise, nobody is spreading hope, they are only spreading disaster and we cant change it. If we think we can change a world that is run by the rich and powerful before it come crashing down around our ears I'd love to see it happen but I dont believe it anymore.

I'm not even useful to God anymore. I wont help people by going on missions or being useful because I'm lazy and scared and I don't have the confidence, I dont even go to church for other selfish reasons, I can barely get myself to pray anymore I'm so empty, I can hardly call myself truly believing anymore, I'm so out of hope I cant even believe I'm saved, or that there is a future, or that there is even a God. I would never surrender completely in any direction, knowing myself. I'd never give up on God, not on Jesus, not on trying to be better for them, but I'd never be the kind of Christian I should be.

I'm a waste of space and I haven't found anything worth living for anyway. A roof over my head, a computer, food, money, none of it means anything anymore. I should be happy shouldnt I? Why am I so miserable? What good is living for fun? What good is living completely alone? What good is living in fear? All are empty and full of only heartache. I can't keep myself more than just alive on God's love alone either. He should be all I need but I am still left so wanting. I am a disaster. I cant even breath or love or smile or have any hope anymore. I don't even want to sleep. I don't even know what would fix me.

I'm insane, and I'm empty. I'm dead. I wish I was dead.
There is a lot on your plate seems like more than ou should have. jesus said come unto me all ye that are loaden and wewary and I will give you rest. You shouldn't be empty a disaster etc. When I was going to Nursing school it seemed kind of like this discouraging story. A tsunami wall of responsibilities, and not seeing over them. Life is very hard and Jesus said the times are perilous. There probably are no people around you to encourage you or lift you, as it sounds your family has their own bit of details to encounter. When you feel this way. Pray, and don't stop praying, the heavy cloud will lift, and the sun will shine. You have a lot of ambition, and drive to succeed. We cannot do it on our own, no matter how stronge we think we can handle a situation. I as a mom of 2 daughters have been back and forth so to say from heaven to hell and back to heaven now and want to stay here, the scriptures say that we are sitted together in heavenly places with Christ Jesus, how not in body, in spirit. We need to and have to die to self, and let the Lord live with us, in us and through us. Today going and being in an atmosphere where God has been taken from schools and pray leaves nothing to really have any hope in. People don't have any hope, some don't have any parents. I know you are blessed with a good mind. The adversary of our soul which is not the LOrd wants to take your mind and destroy it. Attacks like these of discouragement, depression,doubt and you can name a lot others that start with the letter D. There is no one to give you a helping hand in this. Sometimes the choice we make might not be the one the LOrd has for us. Trust him and what ever doors get closed, trust him for he cares for you, what ever doors he opens, pray he goes with you. There is a verse that says, the Lord will not put upon you more than you can bear, and this means he knows your frame your ability to be able to handle life's issues or not. His way is Peace and Rest. Find time in your schedule to pray and read his word, devote yourself and commit yourself in meditation and prayer. Things will change. I wish I was dead every day, funny because I want to die to self my will and let Gods will be done in my life. Father you have created this child of yours with your hands Lords, embroidered her in the womb, and your word says you have a peacefull plan for her. In Jesus name I ask that this spirit of heaviness, and despondency, and all thoughts of wortlessness be broken over her spirit soul and mind. Let her see her IDEntitiy in you that she is worth the price of your shed blood to give us a hope a new life and a new spirit being born again accepting you Jesus as the Lord who was crucified, and the son of God who now reigns as King. Lord there is so much more than all of this worlds cares and troubles. You give us Peace, Love Health Hope and a future these things money will not buy. In Jesus name I crown her Lord as your daughter and your princess. Give her a fresh new look and a new page to begin all over again, what ever guilt is plaguing her, remove it and cast it far from her into the sea of forgetfullness. She is you Beloved, and your Betrothed, and she the bride awaiting you, pure and holy. Bless her each day with a little nudge to remember to pray to you Lord this I ask in Jesus Name. Amen:)
 
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Ninotori

Guest
#33
I'm sorry. Please dont reply to this thread anymore. I was just being stupid and ungrateful. Please dont acknowledge my feelings as anything serious. Its not important. Please dont try to reply to this anymore. I wont see it.

I'm sorry for wasting everyones time and space with this post. I shouldn't have done it.

God Bless.
 

JerryRice

Senior Member
Jan 16, 2011
122
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#34
God I hope more people reply to this, the people that care that is, not the ones that are negative in their replies making her feel even worse. People better keep replying to this and staying in touch with you. If someone is so down that only a few things are barely stopping them from ending life, that is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT. I hope everyone's time is 'wasted' and that people care enough to keep replying and talking to you.

People that don't have anything encouraging to say, don't say it.
 
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BrittanyJones

Guest
#35
Yeah, Jesus never kicked anybody when they were down. Nintori, HUGS sister. Trust in HIM.
 
Feb 4, 2012
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#36
ah! curses! you should be a head shrinker.

The pills, I swear, unless you do mind over matter like the meditators.
It is not a character flaw it is a medical problem, and not your fault.
Could God make it so easy? Yes. It is my own testimony. Go see a doctor, you will be comforted.
 
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Trax

Guest
#37
I dont know what I'm getting up for every day, save some stupid worthless responsibilities my family and the world expects me to maintain.

I do artwork for art school, all of which is tedious and inevitably worthless, and I never learn anything.

Psa 118:24 This is the day which the LORD hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.
Thank the Lord everyday, when you get up, with this and thank Him for something.
This really helps me. Thank you Lord for this day for it is a day You have made and I will
rejoice in it. Do this and you'll start to develop a spirit of thankfullness. You'll be surprised
at the transformation He can do in you.

For anyone having the same feelings, do this and let me know how it goes.
 
Feb 4, 2012
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#38
witch one of us has more dire need of the others' advice?
Come back!
 
Feb 4, 2012
83
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#39
im not going to die for being wrong. why would you.
 
C

cornwell93

Guest
#40
i have been were you are at now... i started cutting when i was a sophomore in high school until my senior year... i went to teen challenge because of it...
u have to search out for God in these trying times... when u don't it makes things even worse!!
psalm 139 says that he created your inmost being. that he knitted you together in your mothers womb, that you are fearfully and wonderfully made!! he knows every single hair on your head, he knows everything about your life.. to him you are a PRINCESS and everything about you matters to him!! he loves you unconditionally and wants for you to love him back!!!