well when i was young kid on a late night my brother started to take my undrwr an wanted to have sex or touch me like he new what he had to do. when he himself was just two years older than me. i remember not knowing anything about that nor boyfriends or girlfriends. i just new that i like a certain kid for hes actions,confidence or because he wasnt liked a lot for race or just been him. after that incedent my life was never the same. its like they were open to a new weird sadly n trange world. that even now i can imagen or understand how could someone not said anything or done something to protect us from doing this. how or where did my brother learn this or made him think this was ok.
i always said to myself now that im marry n have kids. my mom didnt know anything about GOD so for been a single parent had to work really hard n tired, my dad making her n our lives total difficult. cause he wasnt officially with my mom. he would come n go.hit my mom n just wanted to watch tv n b left alone in peace. used my mom when ever he wanted.she was to hurt to c what was going on. still i dont know what happen. until one night i saw what i wasnt supposed to. then realized part of what was going on came from their.
that continued to happen for years after a while i thought that was ok. since no one said or do anything.but a lot of peaple would always said to me that i had a very sad face even if i wasnt.then later it didnt happen just with him but with cousins, friends. we also thought other kids the same thing. was head was messt up. we just thought that playing mom n that was just the funniest thing ever. i didnt care. kids older than me would draw me just to touch me or kiss me. i my self started to learn n think that was ok. the was the way to show love. by giving it all way. without a price. even if that same kid would later ask me to get away from him. not to get near or look at him. so their parents woulnt know. i to think that i was the crazy one asking for more or things i wasnt supposed too.which in a way got me confused about guys, relationship, n what to expect or do .give it all n loose everything about dignity for whatever i thought i had left.
it came to me at a certain age that i said no more that i had to stop this.that something was wrong. n it happen her when i came to us. by 9-10 yrs.old.yeah i guess u could say how mess up i was.
i started noticing were i live that a lady new there was somthing wrong with us kids, my brother n me. she wouldnt let her kid play that much with us. but look at me different as she new there was something wrong about me n that i need it help but didnt know how to say it or do it. thats when i new something was wrong, something wasnt right. i guess because of the lady n friends seeing how i was rejected open my eyes at saying no more to my brother.he got furiously mad.
as kid he use to hit me a lot n call me names. it hurted becuse my relatives who were incharge of us while my mom been away to work or who came to this country before us saw how he treated me n didnt do anything. it gave him power over me.i sometimes try to defend my self but was unseccfull.i remeber my mom seen how my brother hit me didnt say nothing then i knew i was alone. many times i wonder if i was addopted or if she really love me. for not doing nothing. she didnt know how i felt in my heart what i had been through.
well it came to an age where everything stop completely.but the verbal d hiting didnt. for a momment it seem total peacefull. my brother n me were getting along. helping each otherout playing. like nothing ever happen.
until one day. my mother n us had to move from we where satying cause of the earhtquake, my dad officially left us here all alone with no relatives or money.nigthts before that my dad n mom got into a huge night. i remeber they were talking in the restroom. my mother was telling him things, like what i dont know.she had never cursed or yelled like crazy to my father or noone as i remeber.but the day i had these feeling that she was leaving us instead of my dad. i didnt want to sleep. all i wanted to do is pay attentiion to her every move. cause i was scared of what she would do. thgats when i realize in my little head n age. she was always there for us. she would never leave us. but that night, was not the night.i remeber waking up not knowing if she was there or not. not knowing what to do. scream that i wanted my mom or that iwanted out o f this family or my dad.
when my dad left we took him to the airport i didnt cry or worry that i wasnt going to c him . i guess i thought he will be back like other times.but he never did.
my moms life change totally me well i thought like other days normall.that we would continue living like this until we get old.n help my mom like we were thought in our country since we were little.
but it didnt happen like that. my mom became more angrier. didnt want us to tell her how our day was. just to help clean, cook(on whatever we could, eat n go to sleep)now all the time yelling n screaming.that i remeber one time i told her that my brotheer had hit me.when i knew sothing that told me to wait until she had a good deep breath for comming from work. but i didnt listen. she got mad for at me for always complaining that this happen to me during the day n not been ably to tolarated or handle it. the day when she daid that.i felt rejected n weak. i remeber i said to my self i would never tell her what was wrong with me ever again. until this day i had always been scared to talk to her for almost anything. n when i do im still not happy for saying it to her or anyone. even writing it now.
but is true if GOD doesnt really change you u cant really said uve change n stop doing what u just to do.
life has always been scary everything that i do dont know most of the time if im doing ti right or wrong. but always in a constant worry.if this yes or no.