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I've never really spoken this publicly about it, and honestly, I don't feel THAT safe expressing it here, as I'm familiar enough with the Christian community to know that being open and transparent is NOT something that is really encouraged, although being zealous and judgmental is. Yet, I'm going to be open here because because of the familial atmosphere.
I have always had a problem reconciling sexuality (in general) with my understanding of God. Maybe it is because I have a skewed view of God, but I mean, I have probably heard thousands of sermons and read an enormous amount of material on the subject of God, and I was brought up in a strong and radical and Christian environment from as early on as I can remember.
But I had early sexual experiences, from playing "house" with cousins, to being molested around the age of 5 or 6 (to my knowledge), as well as introduced to hardcore pornography around the age of 13. I'm a 30 year old black male who has identified as "homosexual" from a very early age, and if you're African American, you are probably very familiar with how much homosexuality is frowned upon in our community, alone, save the Christian community. You can just look at the glorification of "Gansta" rap and see how murderers, thieves, liars and ego-maniacs are treated better than "gays," especially gay MEN. We are really at the very bottom of society---the scum of the earth, to to speak. Well, couple this with a "Hell-fire and Brimstone" firey (predominantly black) Pentecostal upbringing, and you get a picture of what I have had to deal with as far as developing a perception of "God."
I found that even the boys I experimented with grew up to have girlfriends, wives and children, but I personally have never been in a committed relationship (with a man or a woman), but have had a number of sexual experiences. I have never had a natural sexual attraction to a female; they don't stimulate me in any way. I have tried to force myself to be attracted to them, but have found it to be impossible. Men, on the other hand, stimulate me to an incredibly HIGH degree, not only physically but emotionally as well. It has been part of the reason, I suppose, that I'm single. I get attached to men--potential mates, in particular--VERY fast and it tends to scare them away just as fast. And because I'm naturally stimulated by masculinity, I also tend to be attracted to the men who are unavailable, i.e. Bisexuals (who when with a woman want to be with a man and when with a man want to be with a woman, so it's virtually impossible to satisfy them), married or committed, and so on...
It seems I'm always chasing after people who aren't chasing after me, or that I'm more in love with someone than he is with me, or that I become very "jealous" and "possessive." It is obvious to me that I am repeating some very painful patterns over and over again. But I know that it really comes out of a misunderstanding of others, myself, and sexuality, in general, as I often wish there was no such thing as sex and wonder why God created it in the first place. Sex is enjoyable, fulfilling and satisfying to me only under certain circumstances, but those circumstances seem to only be possible in an ideal world, and I know that this is not an ideal world, hence why I can't reconcile my faith with my sexuality. Another thing about this is that heterosexual sex seems gross and disgusting to me; the way I imagine homosexual sex may seem to a heterosexual. And yet, heterosexuality is the norm and my sexuality is condemned in society. Therefore, it seems that I just do not fit into this universal equation. Something is very clearly off somewhere, but it seems heterosexuality has brought me much more pain than homosexuality. As I've expressed, homosexual sex brings me joy, it's just the other stuff that I can't deal with. So, it is as though I'm living in an alternate reality and I'm the only one in this reality. This makes it very difficult for me to have a relationship with a God who I feel has jinxed me or is playing some kind of cruel and twisted game. Sex does not seem like it could ever be "holy." It may be enjoyable but I don't see it as being clean and pure. Now, if "holy" means perfect, then I could say my orientation is holy, as I've never been confused about which gender I wanted, and it comes as natural as breathing to me; I don't know any other way.
And before anyone says homosexuality is a "choice," really think about what you're saying before you say it. Do you seriously think that someone would choose to feel a very real sense of rejection every moment of his life?
I have always had a problem reconciling sexuality (in general) with my understanding of God. Maybe it is because I have a skewed view of God, but I mean, I have probably heard thousands of sermons and read an enormous amount of material on the subject of God, and I was brought up in a strong and radical and Christian environment from as early on as I can remember.
But I had early sexual experiences, from playing "house" with cousins, to being molested around the age of 5 or 6 (to my knowledge), as well as introduced to hardcore pornography around the age of 13. I'm a 30 year old black male who has identified as "homosexual" from a very early age, and if you're African American, you are probably very familiar with how much homosexuality is frowned upon in our community, alone, save the Christian community. You can just look at the glorification of "Gansta" rap and see how murderers, thieves, liars and ego-maniacs are treated better than "gays," especially gay MEN. We are really at the very bottom of society---the scum of the earth, to to speak. Well, couple this with a "Hell-fire and Brimstone" firey (predominantly black) Pentecostal upbringing, and you get a picture of what I have had to deal with as far as developing a perception of "God."
I found that even the boys I experimented with grew up to have girlfriends, wives and children, but I personally have never been in a committed relationship (with a man or a woman), but have had a number of sexual experiences. I have never had a natural sexual attraction to a female; they don't stimulate me in any way. I have tried to force myself to be attracted to them, but have found it to be impossible. Men, on the other hand, stimulate me to an incredibly HIGH degree, not only physically but emotionally as well. It has been part of the reason, I suppose, that I'm single. I get attached to men--potential mates, in particular--VERY fast and it tends to scare them away just as fast. And because I'm naturally stimulated by masculinity, I also tend to be attracted to the men who are unavailable, i.e. Bisexuals (who when with a woman want to be with a man and when with a man want to be with a woman, so it's virtually impossible to satisfy them), married or committed, and so on...
It seems I'm always chasing after people who aren't chasing after me, or that I'm more in love with someone than he is with me, or that I become very "jealous" and "possessive." It is obvious to me that I am repeating some very painful patterns over and over again. But I know that it really comes out of a misunderstanding of others, myself, and sexuality, in general, as I often wish there was no such thing as sex and wonder why God created it in the first place. Sex is enjoyable, fulfilling and satisfying to me only under certain circumstances, but those circumstances seem to only be possible in an ideal world, and I know that this is not an ideal world, hence why I can't reconcile my faith with my sexuality. Another thing about this is that heterosexual sex seems gross and disgusting to me; the way I imagine homosexual sex may seem to a heterosexual. And yet, heterosexuality is the norm and my sexuality is condemned in society. Therefore, it seems that I just do not fit into this universal equation. Something is very clearly off somewhere, but it seems heterosexuality has brought me much more pain than homosexuality. As I've expressed, homosexual sex brings me joy, it's just the other stuff that I can't deal with. So, it is as though I'm living in an alternate reality and I'm the only one in this reality. This makes it very difficult for me to have a relationship with a God who I feel has jinxed me or is playing some kind of cruel and twisted game. Sex does not seem like it could ever be "holy." It may be enjoyable but I don't see it as being clean and pure. Now, if "holy" means perfect, then I could say my orientation is holy, as I've never been confused about which gender I wanted, and it comes as natural as breathing to me; I don't know any other way.
And before anyone says homosexuality is a "choice," really think about what you're saying before you say it. Do you seriously think that someone would choose to feel a very real sense of rejection every moment of his life?
