What is normal in marriage?

[BrightAndSunny]

My husband is non-affectionate and doesn't make me feel special or unique. I, basically, feel like a roommate in our marriage. He doesn't seem to appreciate me and if he does never tells me or shows me. Let me say, I know he is faithful and I know he loves me, but says he can't show it. Meanwhile, I feel so alone inside. I desire so much more in a relationship, but I feel bound by my committment to marriage and God. I have struggle with my weight our entire marriage and was not thin when I met him.....he never tells me I'm beautiful unless I ask. Is it me? It's so painful when you have these feelings and no one to turn to. I've prayed, I'm praying. Sometimes I just want to know if I'm thinking the right way.

 

[colalella2891]

I'm not married so I have no idea what it's like to be married, but that doesn't seem normal to me... I mean it is normal for a married couple to have rough patches, since no marriage is perfect. I've heard a saying that goes, "Even great marriages will have terrible years. So terrible, that they may be tempted to call it quits." So, every marriage will have rough patches.

A husband isn't supposed to be "non-affectionate" though, and it's definitely not right to be as unhappy as you seem. And you saying "he says he can't show me that he loves me" is completely off. Also, a married couple shouldn't feel like roommates... That's just... no... My mom and dad decided to get a divorce and they had to live in the same house for months until they could figure something out, and that's exactly how my mom described how she felt. She felt like they were roommates. Not right, especially if you're sleeping in separate beds/rooms.

Was he like this your entire marriage??? If so, then I don't think he was the right man for you... And please understand, i'm not judging or anything like that, i'm just saying how I feel. If you've been married for a while and he changed at one point, then I would suggest trying to talk to him about how you feel, or maybe going to counseling.

Once again, this is just my opinion. There are many experienced married people on here than can give you more help. I'll be praying for ya though.

 

[flight316]

Nobody knows what a normal marriage is.

 

[hattiebod]

There is no tick list for a normal marriage! You married this man, has he changed or has he always been this way? maybe he is depressed and unhappy! talk to him, tell him how you feel in a gentle way, not in a way that is accusatory. Discuss your needs....he is not a mind reader. Communication is the key to a happy marriage. If you are overweight and know it, and it is making you unhappy, try losing some weight? (its not easy, i have been there so i do not say this lightly but losing weight, getting exercise makes you feel better about yourself, healthy mind & healthy body Also...your husband is not responsible for your happiness. He can contribute to it, yes. But its not his job. You have a faithful husband who loves you...thats a wonderful place to be. Celebrate the good and then work together to make any changes. The secret is, together. Praying is great but we need to have faith in action....so step out. Communicate. And....start that diet! if thats what you would like to do, because it is never to late to change and you have the Holy Spirit in you, how can you fail?? God Bless! <><

 

[Ephraim]

My husband is non-affectionate and doesn't make me feel special or unique. I, basically, feel like a roommate in our marriage. He doesn't seem to appreciate me and if he does never tells me or shows me. Let me say, I know he is faithful and I know he loves me, but says he can't show it. Meanwhile, I feel so alone inside. I desire so much more in a relationship, but I feel bound by my committment to marriage and God. I have struggle with my weight our entire marriage and was not thin when I met him.....he never tells me I'm beautiful unless I ask. Is it me? It's so painful when you have these feelings and no one to turn to. I've prayed, I'm praying. Sometimes I just want to know if I'm thinking the right way.

I'm not married, but I have been in some bad relationships, particularly before I believed in God. And I know one thing for an absolute certainty; both pressure and expectation (particularly unmet expectation) are relationship killers for men. Being told to be something different in a relationship is like being told you were never really accepted for who you are in the first place.

So that's somewhere to start.

Was your husband this way when you married? And if so, did you then expect he would change once you married?

Do you give him affection? Do you compliment him? Is this a two way problem? I can tell you this; you cannot make him change, particularly by projecting expectation and making him somehow responsible for your happiness. And if he does change, it will be an act, rather than who he really is.

BUT, you can try to rekindle a spark in your marriage by giving, rather than asking. The only way you can do this is if you take responsibility for your own feelings on your own shoulders and don't project them onto your husband. After all, he doesn't seem to be the one who actually has the issue with your marriage. The dynamics of it are something YOU want changed, not necessarily him.

I would start by exploring the reasons why he feels unable to outwardly show affection and love, with the focus of helping him come to terms with that inability, without an ulterior agenda. Be his friend in this area, foremost; his counsel. Not his nagging wife.

I'm exactly the same as him. I am afraid to put myself forward because I often don't feel worthy. And you'll probably find he feels as unconfident and un-special as you do. That's likely to be something the two of you share under the surface; something that connected the two of you.

Bear in mind that just because he doesn't show affection, does not mean he hasn't got an immense, all encompassing love for you under the surface. He wouldn't have married you if he didn't.

Just remember, this needs to about giving to him, not asking or expecting from him. Sometimes letting go of our own expectations and being out to HELP our partner can bring the most magnificent results on both ends.

Do not be afraid to explore your own motives and your own emotions and feelings and thoughts either.

 

[Ephraim]

Realize that in all probability, your husband accepts you the way you are. He hasn't brought up any issues with your marriage. But there is always room to bring you closer together, if you're willing to put your expectations to the side and treat him as gently as you would like treated yourself.

 

[akekot]

your post reminds me of my husband before.he is not showy to what he feels for me.he don't seems to appreciate all the things that i do for him,.i remember one situation before, it was valentines day,but before that i keep telling him that i want to get a flower on that day since he never had the chance to give me anything since we were dating,its funny coz i get nothing lol.i feel so neglected and unimportant.i think there's just people like that.i understand your situation.may God bless your marriage and give you more strength.

 

[kessy001]

I totally agree with Hattiebod. i will also like to add that a "normal" marriage does not exist. A marriage is what the couple makes it to be and can only be defined by those involved.

My advice is that you focus on the positive things about your marriage and be appreciate to God and your spouse. Identify the areas where change is needed and work at it diligently. keep praying for your husband and loving him. Communicate, in love, your needs. And most importantly look to God as your source of love and joy. It is important that you maintain your joy and esteem even when people the you love do not make you as happy as you would want them to.
It is well with you.

Shalom!

 

[silverdollar]

My husband is non-affectionate and doesn't make me feel special or unique. I, basically, feel like a roommate in our marriage. He doesn't seem to appreciate me and if he does never tells me or shows me. Let me say, I know he is faithful and I know he loves me, but says he can't show it. Meanwhile, I feel so alone inside. I desire so much more in a relationship, but I feel bound by my committment to marriage and God. I have struggle with my weight our entire marriage and was not thin when I met him.....he never tells me I'm beautiful unless I ask. Is it me? It's so painful when you have these feelings and no one to turn to. I've prayed, I'm praying. Sometimes I just want to know if I'm thinking the right way.

maybe you said already what you think the trouble is.
i know someone who went to weight watchers and she lost 100 pounds in one year and it
was very cool to see her losing weight all the time.
if you think its because of your weight, maybe it will be worth it to go.

 

[Ephraim]

As harsh as silverdollars insinuation may sound (that your affection trouble is to do with weight), it may be an issue. It shouldn't really, but then if we're going down the 'no-materialism/shallowness' road that says that you should accept people as they are, then by the same standards you should accept non-affection by your husband because that's seemingly who he is.

Perhaps neither of you are who you want to be. It's difficult knowing that, saying to yourself 'I wish I was something different' or 'I wish I was accepted for being me'.

See my other post though, I think it offers some good insight on standards and expectations too.

 

[Ephraim]

Another thing I'd like to say is that often, in relationships, we bog ourselves down with insecurities. Obviously your husband probably knows you feel bad about your weight, and sometimes we act a certain way when we feel inferior or unworthy; in a manner that's different to what we really are. We sometimes worry too much about what people think of us and we act a certain way as though to try to 'make up for it'. It's a tough spot to be in. I hate society's expectations as much as anyone.

 

[silverdollar]

As harsh as silverdollars insinuation may sound (that your affection trouble is to do with weight), it may be an issue. It shouldn't really, but then if we're going down the 'no-materialism/shallowness' road that says that you should accept people as they are, then by the same standards you should accept non-affection by your husband because that's seemingly who he is.

Perhaps neither of you are who you want to be. It's difficult knowing that, saying to yourself 'I wish I was something different' or 'I wish I was accepted for being me'.

See my other post though, I think it offers some good insight on standards and expectations too.

lol, i didnt mean it to be harsh. usually people say themselves what the problem is.
that's a good thing if they act on it.
theres nothing wrong with having let your weight get out of control for a while then getting back on track.
i gained lots of weight one year and i never felt good about myself like i did before.
i felt way better after i made up my mind to lose it. signed up for the gym and changed my diet and it came off.
i didnt mean it as in insult. sorry if it seemed that way.
the lady said herself what she thought the trouble was. even if thats not what is happening with her husband it seems to be making her feel bad so either way it can be fixed.

you can do it.

 

[Ephraim]

lol, i didnt mean it to be harsh. usually people say themselves what the problem is.
that's a good thing if they act on it.
theres nothing wrong with having let your weight get out of control for a while then getting back on track.
i gained lots of weight one year and i never felt good about myself like i did before.
i felt way better after i made up my mind to lose it. signed up for the gym and changed my diet and it came off.
i didnt mean it as in insult. sorry if it seemed that way.
the lady said herself what she thought the trouble was. even if thats not what is happening with her husband it seems to be making her feel bad so either way it can be fixed.

you can do it.

I know you didn't mean it that way lol I was just trying to express that to the original poster, it might FEEL a bit harsh even if you didn't mean it that way. It's a sensitive issue and I wouldn't want her to feel like we're being mean, because we aren't.

And you're right. She can do it.

 

[secularhermit]

In marriage, after a year, some things change. We, men, are sometimes fools to understand that childish behaviour you -girls were induced to long, since childhood.

Woo him! Get his attention and TALK ABOUT IT (all this post)

I, if were married, would control my weight. My stupid mind sees it unattractive, and I cannnnnnnot explain my mind WAY. Perhaps my mind knows I was fat, so I keep my eye on how I feel myself on overweight, because, being OLD, my mind keeps on looking at thin young girls.

 

[silverdollar]

well, i like girls who are self-assured but not show-offy.
it doesnt matter about your size or shape as much as it does about if you are confident.
i've dated beautiful women before who were always asking am i beautiful, do i look good.
thats just wrong.
then there is the plain girl who doens't know how pretty she is and just is confident.
its hard to explain i guess.
you have to feel okay about your own body. praying to God to help you love your own body is a good thing maybe.

 

[Ephraim]

well, i like girls who are self-assured but not show-offy.
it doesnt matter about your size or shape as much as it does about if you are confident.
i've dated beautiful women before who were always asking am i beautiful, do i look good.
thats just wrong.
then there is the plain girl who doens't know how pretty she is and just is confident.
its hard to explain i guess.
you have to feel okay about your own body. praying to God to help you love your own body is a good thing maybe.

I believe self respect and self-love (not the same as selfishness), are important for a human's OWN health and happiness.

But I don't think I HAVE to have someone self-assured in order to like them. People can change and nothing is permanent. I've met many women who were unconfident when we met and whom I was able to instill some form of confidence in.

 

[secularhermit]

@akekot I understand you point. Allow me to tell you this, from my view and NOT from my culture.

I disliked giving "anything" to RECEIVED anything. I don't celebrate Valentines nor X-mas for avoiding that conventionalism, for those things I'm suppose to do or give (or receive). I understand part of the things that have influenced us as culture, but I've liked not conventional ways and most of the girls/women I know are culture fans.
The Chilean Dra Pilar Sordo speaches have helped me to understand more about women's needs we, men, seldom follow, unless we want to receive "favors" or attention form you (women).

 

[Ephraim]

@akekot I understand you point. Allow me to tell you this, from my view and NOT from my culture.

I disliked giving "anything" to RECEIVED anything. I don't celebrate Valentines nor X-mas for avoiding that conventionalism, for those things I'm suppose to do or give (or receive). I understand part of the things that have influenced us as culture, but I've liked not conventional ways and most of the girls/women I know are culture fans.
The Chilean Dra Pilar Sordo speaches have helped me to understand more about women's needs we, men, seldom follow, unless we want to receive "favors" or attention form you (women).

What about men's needs, that are seldom followed for the sake of women's being more important to modern society?

This is why there is no secret formula to relationships. You can read pieces that are directly only to modern society's teachings to women, that will show men how to appease the USUAL woman, the common woman, or the woman who buys into society's beliefs or standards about things. But not all women need or want the same things and not all women buy into today's view on relationships. What works for some may not work for others, and some women may even (if you're lucky) think about YOUR needs before their own! Gosh what a novel idea it is for two people to be out for the OTHER person! Such a strange thought! lol

 

[silverdollar]

i want all these things discussed before marriage. that's what dating will be for.
to make sure we agree on things.
like how to raise the children and what about each of our families if we get along and so on.

 

[Twinkle77]

My husband is non-affectionate and doesn't make me feel special or unique. I, basically, feel like a roommate in our marriage. He doesn't seem to appreciate me and if he does never tells me or shows me. Let me say, I know he is faithful and I know he loves me, but says he can't show it. Meanwhile, I feel so alone inside. I desire so much more in a relationship, but I feel bound by my committment to marriage and God. I have struggle with my weight our entire marriage and was not thin when I met him.....he never tells me I'm beautiful unless I ask. Is it me? It's so painful when you have these feelings and no one to turn to. I've prayed, I'm praying. Sometimes I just want to know if I'm thinking the right way.

There is no such thing as a normal marriage.
I have been married now for 35 years and I used to feel just like you do. What was worse for me was that I did not know whether he was faithful and whether he loved me or not.

What I felt and what you are feeling is insecurity because we need our hubbies to say "I love/appreciate you" or "You look nice today" etc in order to feel secured and feel good about ourselves.
The most important thing that I learned was that I needed to like myself for who I am and that God loves me for who I am cause He made me and "He" who began a good work in me will carry it out to completion.

I heard a sermon once from a pastor and he said that if we expect our loved ones to fulfil what our heart desires, then we will be always dissappointed. Because the only person who can fulfil our hearts is God.
We have to put our total trust in God and receive from God His love which can quench the loneliness inside.
His love that overcome every heartache. His love that give you confidence as a person because God is your pillar.

Even if no one says how pretty you are or that they love you, you will feel contentment in your heart, you will feel loved, you will feel secured, you will feel beautiful because God is the one who will give you all this.
When this takes place, your way of thinking will change and instead of feeling insecure and lonely, you will feel joy and
you will be able to impart what God has given you to your hubby and to the others.

I understand it means alot to you to feel loved and appreciated by your husband cause I felt the same way, but I realised I couldn't change my husband to be what I would like him to be or to say.

To desire much more in a relationship, first thing is to let God work in your heart and change your way of thinking and feeling. God who began a good work in your husband, will also carry it out to completion.
Today, after 35 years of marriage, and 14 years as a Christian, I feel confident as a person and no longer insecure generally.
Has my husband changed? Yes - God changed him through the years but not to the way I would like him to be but to the way God wants him to be.

If you are struggling with your weight, and if you want to lose weight and can't, pray that God will give you the will power to do so and self control.

When our hearts are sincere before God for the right reasons, God hears our prayers and He will help us to achieve it.
We may go through a painful process because He is refining us like gold.

Put your trust in God and cast your eyes on Him.
May Gods love envelope you and confort you and may He begin His amazing work in you!!
God bless