Need advice as a Christian wife in a difficult marriage, please

[On_my_way]

I've had a difficult marriage for years, most of the 19 years I've been married, in fact. As a Christian, I'm struggling with a bunch of questions. I've recently spent some time reading "The Seven Conflicts" by Tim Downs. It's a great Christian book with a great explanation of different communication styles, and why they make resolving conflict so difficult. Unfortunately, though I agree with most everything this book says (and other books on marriage,) I'm left in a very confused state. I don't know how to continue in my marriage.

My husband's behaviors have been discussed ad nauseum, even with the help of trained counselors. Regardless, he has not changed in 19 years. But I recognize that it’s not my job to change him. I accept that he may never change. My question is, how do I “proceed forward” with that resignation? What are my options in this relationship? How do I get my needs met when I need to accept that I will likely never get them met by my husband? Or how do I deal with not getting them met at all? At the same time, I'm still called by God to be an obedient and loving wife and meet my husband's needs?

How do I find joy in life when I look forward (and back) on my marriage, and know that as a Christian I have an obligation to be a “Godly wife,” yet realize my marriage relationship is not an avenue to get any of my own emotional needs met? Furthermore, my marriage relationship restricts me from getting those needs met by someone else that might be happy to oblige.

Christ suffered for the purpose of paying the penalty for all sins for all souls for all time. What is the purpose of MY suffering? Is it really a Godly mission for me to suffer so that my selfish husband can have his selfish needs fulfilled without reciprocation, simply because I made the foolish decision to say “I do” and now I'm obligated to my promise of "for better or worse?" Is my tagging along behind my husband like a dog while he goes boating or golfing, simply because he wants me to, really helping him to fulfill God’s holy purpose? Is there really value in my sacrificing like this for the rest of my life?

If so, how can I believe I am loved by a God that demands this of me?

Frankly, I find myself praying for an early death.

 

[jinx]

what needs are not being met by your husband? are they sexual, emotional, mental, friendship.... what are these needs?

 

[yac11]

Be careful what you pray for.

You do what I and countless others do. You live a Godly life and be a Godly wife for Christ. Every time you do something for your husband you think of Jesus and how much you love Him and you pray that Jesus change you so your husband will change. You also pray for your husband and ask God to change him so that your needs are met.

I am so thankful that Jesus loved us so much that He didn't want to give up on us. He died on that cross a death I can't even fathom just so who ever believes in Him can be made righteous again with God and that we can have eternal life.

Seriously and you can't be bothered to honor Him and actually would rather just die?

 

[On_my_way]

what needs are not being met by your husband? are they sexual, emotional, mental, friendship.... what are these needs?

The simpler question is what needs of mine ARE being met? Can't think of any, frankly. Sure, I can have sex with him, as long as I'm not looking for any satisfaction myself. As long as I'm willing to be a piece of meat for him to "do his thing" upon, then I could have sex every day. Sure, I can have recreational companionship, as long as I'm willing to tag along with him doing his interests, providing it doesn't bother me that he ignores me, or uses me as the brunt of his jokes, etc.

I certainly don't expect marriage to be a romantic fantasy like it's sometimes protrayed on tv, but I believe there is supposed to be some mutual benefit between husband and wife. I'm trying to reconcile the purpose if that relationship doesn't exist. I could understand if my husband was a pastor, or a missionary, because then I could see that I was serving Him indirectly by facilitating my husband's mission. But boating?

yac11, yes, given the choice of a lifetime of servitude to a heartless master vs. ending this life and being able to be in the presence of God, I would definitely prefer death.

 

[yac11]

[QUOTE] yac11, yes, given the choice of a lifetime of servitude to a heartless master vs. ending this life and being able to be in the presence of God, I would definitely prefer death.[/QUOTE]

I do not walk in your shoes and you don't walk in mine. I want to tell you that God expects more from you, from all of us. May God help you see what you need to see. God Bless you.

 

[secularhermit]

Good morning!

1) U have not told what yuor emotional "needs" are... Have U mentioned/written ALL of them to your husband? (I guess so, since U said U went to trained counselors).
2) If you meet your husband needs (U said so). Is he happy with them and YOU? (you're not a slave, and you matter here)
3)Why do you want to change him? You marry him to ACCEPT HIM or to change him? I would be married because I have accepted a woman WHO HAS ACCEPTED ME. Acceptance is a contractual part of marriage, our MUTUAL arrangement.
4) If U believed "I accept that he may never change"... Do you need to die for his or your failure? I don't need to die for other failures, I NEED TO CHANGE, to move and RELOCATE. If God has a better idea, I will ask for that, too.
5) At 52 I don't have too many chances to re-marry and "be happy". I acknowledged this disadvantage I HAVE.
6) What are your needs? Tell HIM (probably he knows and ignores). If I made contract, and the other is not doing his part, there is a choice: Divorce.
7) Sometimes we are selfish, sometimes we blame others' faults, and the problem is within US. Just read what U said: " I'm left in a very confused state. I don't know how to continue in my marriage."

You said: "Regardless, he has not changed in 19 years." He is an individual, an adult. Will you change him? Is it easy to CHANGE YOU?

Just find out and settle down. God will give U an answer. You don't need martyrdom, do you? I guessed! Because you have said: "...for me to suffer so that my selfish husband can have his selfish needs fulfilled without reciprocation". All of us have a selfish side but, and my case, I WANT TO LIVE, but I have prayed God gave me anything better: Eternal life!

 

[MissCris]

What happens if you tell him "no"? What if you just don't tag along behind him while he golfs, or whatever? What if you stop being a "slave"? Just stop?

I'm just curious, why do you HAVE to do those things? Submitting to your husband doesn't mean being his doormat...

 

[iTOREtheSKY]

After reading all this..the thing I am curious about (or maybe I missed it) is wondering is your husband even a christian,and if so why haven't you both gone to see your pastor or minister about these marital issues? The lack of fulfilling your sexual desires aside,from the way you portray his actions,it doesn't sound as though he conducts himself as a godly husband should.
If this is the case & he is not a believer,and you were when you married him,you really have no grounds to complain about what is/has transpired over the course of your marriage to him. I hope this doesn't come out sounding harsh,I don't mean it to be. I can say this because I ,as a believer CHOSE to marry an unbeliever,and after 2 years of dating & 9 years of marriage,it ended in divorce. I could not hardly act surprised by this in the end,as I knew what I was getting into from the start. There are many christian women in your position of not feeling sexually or emotionally satisfied within their marriage & the temptation is enormous to stray from the commitment you made to God & your husband,but I emplore you..DO NOT GIVE IN...FLEE FROM THAT TEMPTATION & CAST DOWN THOSE THOUGHTS,as they will be your undoing the more you entertain them. Please try to seek out other married women who may have gone through this situation already & come out the other side for the better with the help of God...I think you will find encouragement there & support. I wouldn't suggest speaking at length with other women who have not overcome this & are in your same predicament,as it might just fuel the fire...misery loves company & that sort of thing. Stay away from men who might try to "counsel" you in this as well,unless you & your husband are together with this man at the same time. I hope & pray things get better for you & that you realize that death is not better than walking with God & seeing this through. Just think...God can use you to bless so many other. Encourage others during all of this..you'll be amazed as to what God can change in your life once you set your eyes fully on him. God Bless!

 

[On_my_way]

This is my confusion. Yac11, you stated that God expects more from me. MissCris, you asked me to consider that I might "stop" doing what I'm doing. I can't do both.

How can I serve my husband and be a submissive and obedient wife, yet refuse to do what he wants of me? The Bible calls us to be obedient to God regardless of our circumstances. Is there really value to God in my being obedient (to God via my husband) when my husband is not living a Godly life (ie. not loving his wife as Christ loves the church)? I'm certainly not suggesting that playing golf is sinful, and that my husband is expecting me to sin by following him around, I just see my obedience as a waste of my life. I could instead be serving in a soup kitchen or caring for the elderly and produce much more fruit with my life's efforts.

Secular, yes, I have told my husband. We've done numerous book studies and seminars and retreats, etc., as well as one-on-one marriage counseling through good Christian counselors. These usually have exercises assigned to the couple, like discussing each others love language. My husband is not an evil man. He isn't beating me or sleeping around or destroying our finances. It isn't that he isn't AWARE of my needs. He's just selfish. If there's only one item of food left and we're both hungry, but I haven't eaten for two days and he had a good breakfast this morning, he simply sees his hunger as bigger/needier than mine. Worse, once I honor him and he finds it enjoyable/beneficial, then he just wants more of it. This is just him. I believe he will not change except through the power and grace of God. For whatever reason, God has chosen not to change his heart in 19 years of marriage, leaving me in this unsatisfying relationship.

I just want to know how to go about it, without a deep-seated feeling of depression thinking about what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life.

 

[On_my_way]

After reading all this..the thing I am curious about (or maybe I missed it) is wondering is your husband even a christian,and if so why haven't you both gone to see your pastor or minister about these marital issues? The lack of fulfilling your sexual desires aside,from the way you portray his actions,it doesn't sound as though he conducts himself as a godly husband should.
If this is the case & he is not a believer,and you were when you married him,you really have no grounds to complain about what is/has transpired over the course of your marriage to him. I hope this doesn't come out sounding harsh,I don't mean it to be. I can say this because I ,as a believer CHOSE to marry an unbeliever,and after 2 years of dating & 9 years of marriage,it ended in divorce. I could not hardly act surprised by this in the end,as I knew what I was getting into from the start. There are many christian women in your position of not feeling sexually or emotionally satisfied within their marriage & the temptation is enormous to stray from the commitment you made to God & your husband,but I emplore you..DO NOT GIVE IN...FLEE FROM THAT TEMPTATION & CAST DOWN THOSE THOUGHTS,as they will be your undoing the more you entertain them. Please try to seek out other married women who may have gone through this situation already & come out the other side for the better with the help of God...I think you will find encouragement there & support. I wouldn't suggest speaking at length with other women who have not overcome this & are in your same predicament,as it might just fuel the fire...misery loves company & that sort of thing. Stay away from men who might try to "counsel" you in this as well,unless you & your husband are together with this man at the same time. I hope & pray things get better for you & that you realize that death is not better than walking with God & seeing this through. Just think...God can use you to bless so many other. Encourage others during all of this..you'll be amazed as to what God can change in your life once you set your eyes fully on him. God Bless!

Thanks for your response. I'm happy to answer any questions about my husband for information and understanding purposes, but I don't want this thread to be about him and how he's doing something wrong and he needs to change. I just don't see that happening, at least based on the failure of previous efforts. I need to go at this with the recognition that this is him and he may never change and I can only change me.

My husband professes to be a strong Christian. When I met him, he was a practicing evangelical, I was a non-practicing Catholic. He was much more active and vocal about his spirituality (still is) than I was. I followed him to his church and rejoiced in the active Christian environment. But I've always had a very loud conscience anyway, so even before that, I was very fruitful, just not operating through an organized religion.

My husband is a salesman. Not by trade, but by personality. He's very amiable and personable and will promise anyone anything, though he rarely delivers. For most, this isn't a big problem because his offenses to any one person are minimal. In a marriage relationship, they are constant and hurtful. He typically hears Christian advice, acknowledges that it's very applicable to him, promises to implement the advise (this of course makes the counselor feel like a miracle worker!) But then he forgets all about it 2 weeks later. He's simply not a deep or introspective or self-reflective person. He doesn't even realize two weeks later that he forgot that he made a promise that he isn't keeping. Yet if I point it out to him, he gets defensive, feeling criticized by me even if I deliver the message in the most loving way possible. (I've read that men have a really hard time with failure, especially with failing to please their wife, and that pointing it out in any way is not prone to success.)

you'll be amazed as to what God can change in your life once you set your eyes fully on him.

Being raised Catholic, I find there are a lot of phrases like this that mean something in the Christian community that just don't translate well for me. Where do I see God, in order to "set my eyes fully on Him," by sitting in a golf cart or acting like a caddy while my husband plays golf?

 

[hattiebod]

Being raised Catholic, I find there are a lot of phrases like this that mean something in the Christian community that just don't translate well for me. Where do I see God, in order to "set my eyes fully on Him," by sitting in a golf cart or acting like a caddy while my husband plays golf?[/QUOTE]

What sort of things do you do to relax? Do you have hobbies? Have you children? You both go to church together...do you have a circle of friends? God Bless <><

 

[On_my_way]

What sort of things do you do to relax? Do you have hobbies? Have you children? You both go to church together...do you have a circle of friends? God Bless <><

I have hobbies. I like to garden and that's definitely a place where I see God. We have a son together, my husband has 4 children from his first marriage. We have friends through church, mutual ones and independent ones.

I don't go to church with my husband anymore. I found that his hypocritical behaviors and double standards and using the Bible as a weapon was damaging my faith.

 

[hattiebod]

I have hobbies. I like to garden and that's definitely a place where I see God. We have a son together, my husband has 4 children from his first marriage. We have friends through church, mutual ones and independent ones.

I don't go to church with my husband anymore. I found that his hypocritical behaviors and double standards and using the Bible as a weapon was damaging my faith.

Sounds like you are feeling quite defeated and so tired of it all, not seeing a way forward, no joy. I thinkmit is very brave of you to seek support here, its not easy to take such a step and i know many here will now pray for you. The main thing, is to know you are not alone. I really do not want to offend you, you are hurting enough but I do want to ask, are you born again? I know you said you are a catholic and that some of the 'Christian speak' does not make sense, but...I just wanted to ask if you do have a personal repentant relationship with Jesus Christ? I was raised in the Church by Christian parents...but was not saved until 13 years ago. I thought I was a Christian....but I wasn't. Are you? <><

 

[MissCris]

I asked what would happen if you just stopped serving your husband all the time and doing every single thing he wants you to do, because it seems like that is what is keeping him from changing his ways. You said it yourself, you do something for him, and he wants more.

Why should he bother changing how/who he is when it's so easy to let you keep bending over backwards to make him happy?

I'm not suggesting anything overly dramatic here; I don't think you should leave him, I don't think you should fight with him. I think you just need to draw the line somewhere...if you don't want to go golfing with him, then don't! There's got to be some kind of balance here, or you're going to keep feeling miserable, and he's going to keep doing what he's doing....and you're letting him. It's not good for you, and it's not good for him, and this doesn't sound at all like a Godly marriage.

 

[iTOREtheSKY]

Being raised Catholic, I find there are a lot of phrases like this that mean something in the Christian community that just don't translate well for me. Where do I see God, in order to "set my eyes fully on Him," by sitting in a golf cart or acting like a caddy while my husband plays golf?

By setting your eyes fully on God,all that means is to be mindful of the things of God. Be praying,reading his word daily,praying for yourself & your husband. Reach out in your community or a neighbor if God so leads. Or better yet,take time to just sit quietly & listen for God,you may be pleasantly surprised at what you hear. I was brought up in the Catholic church so I know their teachings & doctrine very well,and I understand why things like what I've said don't translate well to you. Catholic teaching doesn't ever encourage people to "know" God..they teach people to fear Him & to pray to mary & the saints unfortunately,but I'm not going to get off topic here,as there are many Catholic people who love & serve the Lord with all their hearts. I don't have any pat answer to give you,all I can say is that if you love the Lord with all of your heart & lean not on your own understanding He WILL be faithful in guiding you through this. He doesn't want you to be unhappy in your marriage,trust me! I do apologize if I sounded as though I was being harsh about your husband,that was never my intent.

 

[On_my_way]

I know you said you are a catholic and that some of the 'Christian speak' does not make sense, but...I just wanted to ask if you do have a personal repentant relationship with Jesus Christ? I was raised in the Church by Christian parents...but was not saved until 13 years ago. I thought I was a Christian....but I wasn't. Are you?

It's funny you should ask that, because years ago our pastor did a sermon where he talked about how sometimes people do the whole "get down on your knees and ask for forgiveness and commit your life to Christ" thing (or however your version of it looks) and then do it multiple times over the years just in case they didn't "do it right."

But to answer your question, yes, I do have a relationship with Christ. I'm not still Catholic, our church is evangelical. It's just the slang used by Christians isn't particularly intuitive to outsiders, or converts. I imagine it's much like a New Yorker visiting the south and not realizing that someone saying "well, bless your heart" isn't necessarily a compliment.

I asked what would happen if you just stopped serving your husband all the time and doing every single thing he wants you to do, because it seems like that is what is keeping him from changing his ways. You said it yourself, you do something for him, and he wants more.

Why should he bother changing how/who he is when it's so easy to let you keep bending over backwards to make him happy?

My natural inclination is to respond to him exactly as you have described. Call it "tough love" perhaps, or "loving detachment." I can find this approach in many secular publications. I don't see this anywhere in Biblical instructions to wives. I see instruction that is says that Christians (not just wives) are to continue loving/serving/sacrificing because they're actions will eventually lead the other to Christ. Well, my husband supposedly already serves Christ.

Besides, I have tried this in past years. It causes major conflict as he tries to hold onto the way he likes things. If I stand my ground, he'll change somewhat, but only until I reengage. Then he reverts back again. In secular publications, I've seen this behavior defined as the "pursuer/distancer" type of relationship, where the distancer "needs" to get more out of the relationship than he puts into it, and only contributes anything during conflict times when he's "forced" to. But that's still reflecting on him and his behavior and not helping me with my understanding of God's expectation of ME in this relationship.

all I can say is that if you love the Lord with all of your heart & lean not on your own understanding He WILL be faithful in guiding you through this.

No problem, no offense. I wonder then why He's leaving me in such a state of confusion? Every day is filled with situations which require an action from me. I have to act. I don't know how He expects me to. Do I go boating with him again on Saturday or not? There are certainly many other Godly activities to which I could devote my time.

 

[On_my_way]

Ugh! "They're" should have been "their." Sorry to those that are bugged by that.

(I hate that I can't edit after 5 minutes.)

 

[hattiebod]

Ok...you are married and you are a couple but, that does not mean you are a slave to your husband. You need to stop being a martyr If you read through Gods promises for marriage, for how we are to treat one another, you can see we are to treat one another in kindness, repect, etc etc. You can have your own hobbies, interests and this is healthy. I sense your husband is rather like a petulant child? ' my way or no way' . Often, we inadvertantly enable our friends and family to behave a certain way towards us, and after 19 years, its a habit! But people can change! we don't like the way things are but we are often too stuck and see no way to change. It's hard work but of course change can happen. He may not, but you can! I think you are right, you cannot change your husband, but you can make changes yourself and can hope they will cause changes in him...ripples in the pond . But, you need to be consistent. I would suggest that if you do not want to go boating...don't go. Prayerfully think in what ways you would like things to be different....not all at once! And then, explain this to your husband. He has made changes before as you say but has not sustained them. Usually people only change if there is a positive repercussion to that change.
Have you got a good support network? Close friends who you can meet with and pray with? One thing is to get into the word of God, He will strengthen you and show you the road ahead. No matter our circumstances, when we have a close relationship with Him, we can have joy and hope. You sound quite trodden down and that's not what He wants for you at all. Try to live as if you were in the best marriage ever that you adore your husband...you may not 'feel' it, but as you live it, the atmosphere and communication in your home will be positively affected. Instead of always doing what you husband wants to do....think of things you can do together that you both enjoy. Having seperate interests and independence can invigorate a marriage! And I think would lift your spirits too? God Bless, <><

 

[On_my_way]

Yes, he is quite like a petulant child. It's easy to talk about how we're "supposed" to treat one another. But let's face it, not everybody abides by that formula, and none of us have the right/ability to control another (capable) adult. I'm not sure we're supposed to even try.

As I've sought guidance over the years, these are some of the things that I've read that have lead me to where I am today, and which seem to contradict the idea of applying tough love to my husband:

"In the Christian life, personal happiness is not the ultimate goal." (** Sounds like martyrdom.)

"Christ taught by his example that true spiritual fulfillment is attained when we die to ourselves in loving others. This is not a popular message in today's 'please-me' society, but it's still the message of the cross." (** Definitely "feeling" like I've died.)

"The Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him'...and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man." (**serve, serve, serve)

"As the church submits to Christ, so you wives must submit to your husbands in everything. " (**sounds like I'm expected to go boating. And golfing. And whatever else he wants.)

"In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands, even those who refuse to accept the Good News. Your godly lives will speak to them better than any words. They will be won over by watching your pure, godly behavior." (** I can't see that my "disobeying" him or declining his wishes is somehow going to appear as Godly behavior to him or be appealing to him, especially if he, too, considers me his servant and expects me to obey. It would seem it would actually appear sinful.)

I just don't know how to reconcile these statements/verses with "defying" my husband's wishes. Yes, there are instructions to the husband, but I don't believe I'll be able to stand before God and point at my husband for my actions.

I'm not trying to be difficult. I really appreciate everyone's insight. I'm afraid I've been stuck in this quagmire for so long, I might not even see the answer if it's handed to me. Like you said, habits are hard to break. If God stood before me today and answered my question, I'm afraid I'm so exhausted I might not even hear it. (Yes, I feel downtrodden.)

 

[colalella2891]

I don't know anything about marriage and I don't have any experience whatsoever to give any helpful advice. All I can do is pray for you, your husband, and your situation.

However, I really do want to thank you. I really feel grateful for people like you who post their struggles and hard times on here so people like me can learn from them. I want to be the best husband I possibly can be someday, and it really does help me when I read through a thread like this. I know I won't be the perfect husband since there's no such thing as one, but still it helps to read about the mistakes some husbands make, and apply them to myself to work on. I'm also very grateful for everyone else who posted their thoughts and wisdom on this matter.

Thanks everyone. You're making me a better person.