Need advice as a Christian wife in a difficult marriage, please

presidente · May 30, 2013

You can still do whatever you do toward your husband as unto the Lord. If you were literally a first-century slave who literally served a heartless master, you would be required to serve your master as unto the Lord, even when he wasn't looking.

If your husband is not a pastor or a missionary, God still wants you to be his helpmeet. You can do that for the glory of God.

Sure, it's easier to see the point to it if souls are being saved through missionary work. But even if that isn't happening, you can still glorify God by being the best wife you can be and doing it with joy.

I agree with your comments that you should still submit to your husband. But you can also point it out if he sins, just as you can with any believer. If he isn't treating you with love, point that out. If his jokes hurt your feelings, tell him. IF he won't listen, maybe he would listen to someone else. Prayer is sometimes more effective than our approaches to problems. We serve a God who answers prayer.

Katy-follower · May 30, 2013

A question.... are you born again? Is your husband born again?

On_my_way · May 30, 2013

Katy, yes, we would both claim we are born again.

I know we're all human and each one of us have our differing perspectives. I don't think that's a bad thing, and sometimes it's wonderful -- the basis behind "two heads are better than one." But it's very difficult to get an understanding of what God wants when seeking advice from Christians presents with opposing perspectives. I'm afraid I already have opposing perspectives bouncing around in my head, so what to do?

Prayer is a constant for me. If God is going to speak to my heart, how can I tell when it's Him speaking to me vs. my OWN heart's desire? How do I find joy in something that I genuinely don't find joy in? I cannot fathom how my submitting to my husband and going golfing is glorifying God. I can definitely see that I would glorify Him by feeding the hungry and healing the sick, because that's what Jesus did. Jesus never played golf as far as I know. At the same time, I don't want to live a life that might demonstrate for other believing wives something I wouldn't wish on my greatest enemy.

I've pointed out his sins; he doesn't take criticism well at all, justifies the actions and makes ME the problem because I'm complaining. Counsel with other Christians is better received by him, but still not acted upon. He has had numerous accountability partners. Thus the conclusion that I have to act upon this as if he will never change.

So I find my faith failing -- not my faith in a powerful and almighty God, but my faith in the Christian lifestyle. If I "seek wise counsel," I walk away just as confused as when I started. My inability to receive consistent advice makes me question the value of the church. One of the wisest pieces of advice I ever received was that God would never give different answers to two people with the same question. Which is why I don't understand how a church can ever split as a result of conflict. In that case, what is really happening? Is one person being selfish, or not actually praying for an answer, or simply delusional? How can anyone else know? It boils down to this: I have faith in God; I don't have faith in people, myself included. I don't know how anyone can, when people are so different from each other and we don't have x-ray "truth" glasses to show us the way.

It just seems to me that if my entire life is going to be judged by Him some day, and the sentence will carry for all eternity, including the possibility of burning in hell, then the instruction book and rules of engagement should be a little more clear. I feel like I have just as much chance of success checking out of Christianity and the Bible entirely and simply relying upon my own conscience instead (aka. "God speaking to my heart.")

yac11 · May 30, 2013

I have been married for 33 years. I hear you. Only boy do I have a story. I will tell you what only you need to know.

Look to change yourself. Take some time for yourself. Do not give away to your own desires. You will regret it.

Know that though you don't feel God's presence, He is watching us all. When you do pass one day, you will be judged on how you handled this marriage. Please take this as a warning to be still and to listen to God and not your thoughts. That when you pass from this life, your happiness level will have much to do with your actions. God Bless you

jerusalem · May 30, 2013

you are only required to follow your husband in so far as he follows the Lord. i don't know the particulars of your situation but i have struggled in a difficult marriage. it was precisely that struggle which clarified the meaning of scriptural mandates to me. one scripture in particular ephesians 5:33 which is the qualifier to the preceeding injunction. the man is commanded to love his wife....but the wife is commanded to respect her husband. this goes to the heart of the differences between men and women. respect between men is an automatic understood as love is an automatic understanding between women. it isn't automatic the other way around. the challenge for women is to earn their husband's respect. without that they don't ever really get their love.....or they lose it later. the trick is in knowing what earns a man's respect and then setting about getting it. the love will come after if it's going to come

On_my_way · May 30, 2013

I've heard this scripture interpreted in many different ways as well, like that each are commanded uniquely because that's what they're least likely to do (easy for women to love, easy for men to respect.) Again, why are God-centered people interpreting scripture differently?

Men are commanded to love their wives. It has no conditions, either, just like the wife's command to honor/respect her husband. It certainly doesn't tell men to love their wives IF their wife respects them. Otherwise, I could just as easily turn your statement around, such that the real challenge for men is to learn how to earn their wife's love, otherwise they don't ever really get their respect. It appears there really wasn't any need for a commandment from God in the first place, if everything is just conditional anyway and has to be "earned" by the other party.

This sounds very much like the discussion of "which came first, the chicken or the egg," with a little Laurel and Hardy's "Who's on first" thrown in for fun.

On_my_way · May 30, 2013

In an attempt to understand (not to equate God to anything earthly,) I look at the marriage covenant as an agreement, a contract between two people. If both are Christians, and both understand that the husband is to love the wife and the wife is to respect the husband, then the arrangement is appealing for both and both enter into it with the understanding of cost and benefit. Only when one party doesn't meet their end of the bargain do things fall apart.

If it were a job, I would be entering into a relationship where it was understood that I would do X work and my employer would pay me Y salary. We enter the agreement with understanding of mutual cost and benefit. Neither party would continue if the other party renigged on their part of the agreement. If they did, they would be considered a "fool."

Why is marriage treated differently? Clearly God intended for it to be mutually fulfilling; he commanded both parties on the specific needs of the other. Defining it as having no recourse is ridiculous, and an open invite for unscrupulous persons to take full advantage of another. If the goal is to "win over" our sinful spouse, then we should all seek first to be unequally yoked, then we're sure have a soul to save.

I am frustrated. I'm not mad at anyone. My frustration does make me want to wash my hands of the Bible.

hattiebod · May 30, 2013

We are always tempted to understand God, by our human thinking and failing, it is not possible. You are in an unhappy marriage, you sound like a very unhapy and quite bitter woman.....so you can stay or you can leave. Some here will never recommend you leave your husband, others will say it's ok...you can get the response you want, eventually. There is no confusion with God, simply with us because being obedient to Him and living under His authority can be difficult and requirre sacrifice.
You do not sound in any way joyful....God tells you clearly in His word, that He is all you need, that you can praise Him in all things, that He will give you rest, hope and purpose. You can cast all your worries on Him, He will give you all you need,mbut not necessarily all you want. And you can know His grace is sufficient for you, He loves you and ......you are forgiven.
No matter what is going on in your life, He has done enough.Each day is a blessing. Live each day in love with your husband and in love with your life, looking up.
What can you do for God today? He will supply all your needs.
Yes, you can do all this....but only if you have the Holy Spirit in you.

Remain in me and I will remain in you. No branch can bare fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. John 15:4

Where is your fruit, joyfully and abundantly growing on the vine, watered by the streams of living water by the Holy Spirit?
God Bless you and I pray you will turn to Him and humbly allow yourself to be guided into a LIVE relationship with Jesus. Then your heart, your mind and your desires will reflect Christ, not self. And you will be happy, regardless of your circumstances because Jesus is enough. Always.
In His name, <><

On_my_way · May 30, 2013

Hattie, I'm really glad you've got it all worked out for yourself, and that it's not confusing for you at all.

For me, the type of answer you just provided with it's negative judgement and rote commentary is exactly what I've been dealing with from Christians for years, and why I believe that it's time for me to wash my hands.

To everyone, thank you for your efforts. I will continue this in private, one-on-one with God.

presidente · May 30, 2013

jerusalem said:

I Peter 3 tells wives to submit to their husbands, even those who do not obey the word. Scripture says to submit 'in everything.'

Jesus had told His disciples that the scribes and Pharisees sit in Moses' seat. Whatsoever they told them to do, they were to do. But when the Sanhedrin told Peter and John not to preach in Jesus' name, that directly contradicted what Christ had commanded, so they had to obey God rather than men. That's where you draw the line with submission to men that God has put in authority-- when it means disobeying God.

yac11 · May 30, 2013

I pray that you will have your eyes open soon to know the love that walking in God's word will give you. Even in our darkest hours we have something that will take us through whatever life gives us, Peace, love and understanding.

Ariel82 · May 30, 2013

On_my_way said:

that is probably best some days: one on one with God.

I've skimmed over the thread and the only thing that came to mind is that if the burden is too heavy then its not from God.

I don't see how following your husband around the golf course is "submitting" to him as God commands us to do.

Have you ever asked him WHY he wants you to go with him?

My husband likes to have me around but if I tell him I'd rather do something else like volunteer at a soup kitchen or visit with terminally ill kids in the hospital, then he would be supportive and ok with me going and doing those things.
Perhaps your husband would be ok with that as well?

I don't understand why you stopped going to church. I think if you joined a women's group and helped with projects that they sponsor you may feel that your life has more meaning. Sometimes having friends of the same gender helps a lot.

Its true you can't change your husband. only God can, but perhaps you can remember why you married him in the first place?

I pray that you don't turn away from God towards a false light of worldly temptations.

Ariel82 · May 30, 2013

On_my_way said:

From the sound of it, it seems that he has TOO much of your attention and focus. Perhaps if you found a job or volunteered at some place you really feel lead to help out in it would give you more of a sense of accomplishment?

I mean you can still love your husband but you don't have to starve yourself (not eat for two days and let him have both breakfast and dinner). Its not what God wants of us. Sometimes our husbands can be big babies (especially when they are sick) most men like having as much attention as you will lavish on them but sometimes you have to focus on other things in the world to do what God wants you to do.

If God places it in your heart to help others there are many opportunities to do it: Meal on wheels for the elderly, visiting the sick in the hospital, tutoring orphans, helping out with the church, etc.

I'm sure there are many talents and wonderful gifts God has given you that your husband and family have been blessed with and if you wanted you could bless others in your community with them.

Some days just sitting and thanking God or the blessings He has already given us is helpful in the healing process, especially if we are feeling neglected by those we love in the world.

presidente · May 30, 2013

On_my_way said:

Here is a good principle for your problem
Isaiah 8:20
[SUP]20 [/SUP]To the law and to the testimony: if they speak not according to this word, it is because there is no light in them.

Compare what people say to the Bible. We are all influenced by our culture, but sometimes culture runs contrary to the word of God.

Paul also says in Romans 12 that we should not be conformed to this world, but to be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Prior to this, he spoke of the mind a lot in chapters 6 through 8. Chapter 8 tells us that to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. Chapter 6 tells us reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin, but alive unto God. We need to think rightly, and have faith in Christ, and let our minds be renewed.

Romans 12 tells us,
[SUP]2 [/SUP]Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

This is encouraging. We can know God's will! So don't be discouraged as if it is not possible.

That can take some learning. But it is important to dig into the written word. Some people want to go by what their heart says, thinking it comes from the Lord, but a lot of their thinking is not grounded in what God has already revealed, and can even contradict it if they are deceived. That's dangerous. I believe God can speak to our hearts, but we have to search and know the scriptures, too.

There is a late medieval book by a monk who wrote about such things as washing dishes with a heart to glorify God. The Bible says to do all to the glory of God. If your husband wants you to go golfing with him, you can. It would probably be more fulfilling to work in a soup kitchen. Even golfing, if he is using it as an opportunity to share with, encourage, or evangelize his fellow golfers, can be turned into a ministry. You spending the time to edify and share with your husband could also turn it into a ministry. I've never gotten into golf, and it looks kind of boring. I guess it's good exercise for old people who would not walk otherwise. But you can glorify God even with that. If he isn't using the time for the kingdom somehow, you can be by obeying what the Lord wants you to do if you are submitting to your husband as the Bible teaches. But maybe he wants his golf time to be time spent with other men. There may be other worthwhile things you can do with your time. Ask him about it.

How do you find joy in it? That's an internal matter between you and the Lord. You might be able to influence your husband to change, but you can't change your husband, and you can't change his heart. You have a lot more influence over your own heart. I don't know what your husband is like, but even if he has a lot of major flaws, you should still consider that your marriage might be better if there were some changes to your own heart, attitudes, etc. Peter says 'we joy in our sufferings.' He rejoiced when he was beaten for Christ's sake in Acts. If he could get beaten and still rejoice, can't you rejoice if your suffering is playing golf. (Btw, does he make you carry the bag if you go or something like that?) Joy is a fruit of the Spirit, and it is something you can find in your relationship with the Lord apart from external circumstances.

But our Lord did spend time in social activities, like eating and drinking with sinners. He didn't do it just for recreation. He used it as an opportunity to do the work His Father gave Him. He taught others the word of God. I don't know if your husband is doing that. But I don't think hitting a ball with a stick is inherently evil either. Not that you do.

I also think there is a lot in the Bible that can apply to your situation. You know the 'golden rule' whatsoever you would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them. Jesus also said if a man compels you to go a mile, to go two miles with him.

Why don't you think of all the areas you want your husband to be better to you and do that to him. Sorry for raising this topic, but you mentioned intimacy. You could have that every day. It sounds like he won't say no. Why don't you give that to him every day for a while? Don't really get on his case for him to satisfy you more, but you might humbly and meekly mention how you'd like to enjoy it like he does. On the practical level, if you overload him in terms of quantity, he may take much longer and you may benefit. He also may start to feel bad about it if you give him the best, and he isn't trying to do the same for you. Don't complain, nag, etc. Just shower him with kindness, and do it with a heart to please the Lord.

Do you want him to say positive things about you? Now, you probably have a list in your mind of things you want him to improve. Forget about that list. Forgive and let go of resentment. Then sit down and write a new list of things he does do well. I don't recall your saying your husband does really bad stuff like cheating on you or doing drugs or not working to support the family. A lot of women out there would probably love to have a husband as good as yours if they face these problems. They'd think you have a great husband and a great life. Maybe do a little reading online from women with problems like this, then sit down and write out a list of qualities and habits of your husband that you can give thanks to God for. It can be simple things like spending time with the kids or working to support the family, mowing the lawn, etc. You can be thankful if he doesn't drink or do drugs. But if you can come up with some positive things that he actually does do, that's better. Think of ways that he does communicate that he cares for you, ways he protects you and others. List those, and then go through some of them every day and thank God for those things and pray for God to increase and bless those qualities in his life every day.

If you want him to say positive things to you, do that to him. Remember the golden rule. Go through one or two items on your list for a while, and ask him to sit with you for a while and tell him, "Honey, I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your working so hard for this family." Go into detail. Do that every day for a while. He may start to reciprocate and start looking for good things about you. Or he may not, but it may change your attitude toward him, and you may become more thankful for what you have.

Hebrews 13:5
"...be content with such things as ye have..."

I was talking with a Filippino pastor and his wife yesterday. One of them had a story. A woman talked to a pastor one day. She had a long list of complaints about her husband. She was thinking she couldn't go on with the marriage. Her pastor gave her advice. He said to go home and treat her husband with kindness. Speak kindly to him. Cook his favorite food. Treat him like a king for a month.

He saw her some time later and asked her about the divorce she had been talking about. She said, "What divorce?" Her husband was wonderful, she said.

Don't give up hope. Pray and see if you have unforgivness, bitterness, or resentment in your heart, and deal with it. Then set about loving your husband even more and let us know what happens after a few weeks.

hattiebod · May 30, 2013

On_my_way said:

I am sincerely sorry that this is how you have read my post. I can only say that I never intended to add to your hurt, that was not my intention. If you post in such a forum, you will get opinions you may not like. I am un-ashamedly a 'Bible Believing Christian'. I base my whole life on His word. HE has worked it out, for ALL of us

Silly, unreasonable to some...but in all my difficulties, my hurts, my loss...it has been the one sure and un-moveable force. God. I have not got everything figured out...but God has. I have learnt, regardless of how I want to behave...how I 'feel'...I am best to fully rely on Him. I can do this only through Jesus Christ. I pray you too will find this truly endless source of strength and peace, it is available to us all. Free gift, at the cross. I hope you will drop by again....God Bless you, <><

Water1944 · May 30, 2013

All I can add to these posts is, go serve in a soup kitchen, and go care for the elderly! You are important, your life has value . There is no reason for you to follow him around at golf.If you don't like it, don't go. There are many things you can do to add to your life that God approves of and that will help others while helping yourself. Make a life for yourself that is away from your husband, but in a healthy way. Even without your issues with your husband, every marriage needs time apart, and everyone needs to have things in their life that make them feel love and valued. If some of your needs were being met thru your interests outside your home, it may change things inside your home. I realize this may sound like it's too simple of a solution, but, you will have other areas to put your energy into, it can't hurt! I support you and I'm praying for you.

Water1944 · May 30, 2013

No you do not go boating with him on Sat. Every Sat. you are busy------. You fill in the blank.

Water1944 · May 30, 2013

Sorry, not trying to tell you what to do, trying to tell you that you are able to have choices in your life.

J-Kay · May 30, 2013

On_my_way said:

Hi: I read through all the comments. A lot of questions got answered to my questions
re: your situation. I kept getting.... after hearing he has 4 children, then the one with
you... YOU ARE TIRED. I think there is probably a lot going on inside your heart that

still needs healed. I am glad you are keeping God in the center of your relationship.

It broke my heart to see how demanding he appears to be or maybe inconsiderate of
your feelings. You asked what should you do ? I found a scripture to share ::::::
"
Colossians 3:23 - And whatsoever ye do, do [it] heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;

I know you have been given wise advice. I just have a couple things to share on a
personal level. First, you are at a stage in age where it appears satan begins to use
things to agitate us and take our eyes off the Lord. Before you know it, you will be
thinking the grass is greener if you move to the other side of the fence. It isn't. Be
careful what you think. For better or for worse.... WE will pray for you to be shown
by the Lord how to make it the rest of the way through the marriage. I don't know
how you met him with the 4 previous children, but, that in itself could have been the
warning what kind of person he was but hid from you ? However it is done and you
are to be admired for opening up and letting off steam.

Second, I have had issues with a wonderful loving husband who makes no demands
of me. But, I have been controlled and had to live through his hatred toward my mother.
When her latter years required more of me and we were having to do things for her, I
literally would choke on my sobs inside because I was torn in two. I had to do what I
did for her until she died. This year we celebrate 50 years of marriage. I know he loves
me with all his heart. I have been told he controls me. I have had to cut relationships
off online when a few accused him of that. I just know God says to submit, I love him,
and I wish I loved him more like I did in our younger years.

So, whatever you do, please do keep Jesus close to your heart and keep reaching out
for help. You have come a long way.... We pray the Lord will help you. You can't change
him. You know that. But the Holy Spirit can. I personally have taken olive oil and
anointed a spot under the mattress where he sleeps and prayed over it. It takes time.
And also we as wives know we each will stand alone before the Lord and give account.
You and God.... Your husband and God.... There will be no husband and wife relationship
in Heaven. God bless you ~ My prayers for you are heartfelt. ~

woka · May 31, 2013

There are no answer's, nobody has walked in your shoes. Advice comes with expectation or longing but there is only one answer the Lord, the Lord, the Lord. Does this make the suffering any less NO, does it make me less resentful NO, does it mean I am more of a sinner NO, does it mean I am less loved NO, and so the list goes on. It means it is life, it means you meant what you siad when you said "I do", you are a women of substance and character, it means that you take commitment seriously. It means that you take your relationship with the Lord seriously. It always comes back to us at the end of the day. We are only ever responsible for our own actions, our own thoughts and that is why we have a God. It is so easy to feel like we have been forgotten or our pleas for help are not being heard.

There is not another person on the planet as lonely as me, I sit is a big house, drive a nice car, have a child in a private school, do not have an office job, can pop out for tea with the ladies whenever I want, but I too struggle with the fact that the one person I want, my husband lives in a world of his own. He does not communicate on any level except to say thanks for dinner, we have done the counselling and coundelling and counselling, it has taken year's for me to figure out that he does not believe in himself enough to share, he does not feel he has any value, he is afraid what he says might make him sound silly, and the list goes on.

But for years and years I made it about me, and still find myself doing that. I can only ever trust on the Lord and know that He knows the desires of my heart, because he put them there is the first place, and nothing that He puts into place ever comes back incomplete.

I want to encourage you by saying that the Lord does know, he hear's your cries, He sees your heart. I will be praying for you.

Need advice as a Christian wife in a difficult marriage, please

presidente

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Katy-follower

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yac11

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jerusalem

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