Hi everyone. I am a believer and am married to a muslim woman. I really wish to divorce her. I did not get a christian marriage. What do you think I should do? I am not saying that I will follow your advice but it will be food for thought which I will pray over.
Thanks
Matt
How did you get married legally? Did you go abroad or were you a Muslim on your KTP when you married?
In general, Indonesian women know they are supposed to submit to their husbands. I think I've met one Indonesian woman that said she was a feminist, and she was Chinese-Indonesian. Marrying an unbeliever has its risks. You don't have as much common ground (the scriptures) to appeal to for principles of marriage, and the Holy Spirit doesn't work on the hearts and consciences, IMO, of unbelievers the same way He does on believers.
But you do have some things in common to appeal to on an intellectual level. Both religions teach wives to submit to their husbands. She is to be respectful of you. If she is disrespectful, call her out on it. Some men make the mistake of just trying to placate their wives, not confronting the real issues for the sake of temporary peace. If she gets verbally abusive, let there be some kind of consequence. If you work and give her an allowance, take it away if she crosses the line. Let her know what the line is. She isn't allowed to insult you, yell at you, curse (or call you an animal name or whatever), or take a harsh tone, or talking bad about your parents, she looses a certain amount of her allowance for that month. If she works, she probably goes with Islamic or cultural rules that makes that her money. You could either tell her she can't work anymore or just set another consequence for her behavior. Tell her no self-respecting husband is going to put up with this garbage from her. If she starts screaming, or name calling you could also let the consequence be you don't listen to her or talk to her. You could leave the room, or go for a drive or a walk and leave her at home alone. She doesn't get to engage with you or get your attention unless she speaks in a civil manner. If you get her paying attention to her behavior and trying to do better, then she'll be on the right track.
When she behaves well, you reward it. You can do this with something as simple as encouraging words. You can tell her how much you appreciate her keeping her temper and mouth under control, how she is improving as a wife. You don't have to be mean, but you may have to be firm. She needs to know you won't put up with verbal abuse and you can help create a situation where she will be inclined to think before she speaks.
If she tries to get you to go to Muslim stuff, you could point out to her that in Islam, a husband is allowed to beat a disobedient wife. After a while, she might stop trying to convert you or get you to go to meetings so as not to hear you say that.
That may backfire, so you would have to gauge her reaction. If it works, it might drive home the point that if she left you for a Muslim, she might get hit. Btw, I've never known of Indonesians to justify hitting their wives with Islam, though I have heard of other Islamic peoples doing that. But the idea that it is part of Islamic law has got to make some women uncomfortable with marrying a Muslim.
Have you tried getting her to go to Christian events? What about highly contextual people who dress Islamic and use the Koran to explain why she needs Jesus and why she read to use the Bible? PM me and let me know where are located, assuming the forum allows PMs.
Islam allows Muslim men to marry Christian women because the man is the boss, and he could determine how the kids are raised. (Think of society as it must have been in Arabia at the time of Mohammad.) But a Muslim woman is not allowed to marry a Christian man. As a Christian, you have all the teachings of Christ and the apostles against divorce and remarriage. I suppose you could consider remaining celibate for life or something like that. So you are in a vulnerable situation where her relatives or other Muslims could advise her that she is justified in divorcing you. Islam only allows men to divorce women, though I think Indonesian law may not be strict on that. I'm not sure. But since you are a Christian, they might not follow the same rules and may allow her to divorce you are decree your marriage invalid according to Islamic law. I don't know about secular, but Indonesia may acknowledge such Islamic decisions. (You'd have to check.) I know of an Arab Christian who was married to a Muslim Indonesian whose family told her to leave him.
That's another issue-- her family. If she is trying to pressure you to become Muslim, you could move away from her family. If you are in Indonesia, you could move to a more Christianized area of Java or Sumatra. I don't know if you can completely leave the influence of Islam without being in a really remote village in Sumatra or Irian Jaya, though Manado might be a city where Islam is least influential.
I'd also encourage you to fast and pray for her. Sometimes Muslim wives get saved and are the one's praying for their KTP Christian husbands to get saved, or get more dedicated to the Lord than their husbands it seems.