IBut the point I'm making is that the articles I've read are saying that Christian men are not pursuing single Christian women, and that men need to man up and marry. But if this is the state of marriage today, why in the name of common sense would Christians be seeking marriage?
Hi,
My guess is you have been reading the Conservative Christian side of the manosphere, something like Dalrock's blog. I don't agree with Dalrock on everything, but he does make some good points. It does seem like Feminism is the root of most of the social ills he addresses.
I don't think your questions is a good one 'why in the name of common sense would Christians be seeking marriage?'
If a sincere single Christian man wants to have sex... it is a biological urge... and doesn't have that gift to just ignore the urge to reproduce for life, and it is a sin against God to commit fornication... uh, well, that leads to marriage.
I think a better question is why he would want to marry the typical American girl, or even the typical American church girl or the typical American Evangelical girl. Even in the US, it is still possible to find Christian wives who are willing to be submissive, respectful/reverent toward their husbands, obedient, diligent around the home, diligent in the bedroom, good mothers, and faithful both in regard to not committing adultery and not divorcing her husband if times get tough.
The trick is to find a Christian woman with those traits who is a good fit for you. If you marry the typical American woman with the typical American view on divorce, then she may divorce you and take half your stuff and get the kids most of the time. You invest years of your life, and then she determines that she is not haaaappy. So she gets a unilateral divorce. Our messed up family law system may give her the kids most of the time and make you pay child support even though she was the one who decided to destroy the marriage. Legally, if you marry, you are vulnerable.
But if you marry a woman who truly fears the Lord who has a different philosophy, things may go differently. She realizes that if she isn't happy, she need to work on being happy or improving her situation within the marriage. She realizes that if she dumped you to find someone to make her happy, that's adultery, and it isn't pleasing to God. Such a sin is not an option for her.
Virginity-- that's another desirable trait in a bride. In the 1990's, Teachman found that women who had one sexual partner were much less likely to divorce than those who had multiple sexual partners. Marrying a virgin can greatly decrease your chances of getting a divorce. Of course, God-fearing sexually pure women are likely to want God-fearing sexually pure men, not ungodly playboy MRAs trying to reduce their chances of getting stuck with child support payments later in life. So it makes sense to stay close to the Lord. He who finds a wife receives favor from the LORD. The LORD is the one who enables a man find a good wife.
Submission--if I were single and looking for a wife, I'd emphasize that I was looking for a submissive, obedient, and respectful wife. I'm actually an easy going kind of guy, not the kind who writes lists of chores and says scrub between the tiles, wifey, with a toothbrush. My wife and discussed our mutual belief that a wife should submit to a husband early in marriage. That issue can be tough enough for a woman even if she agrees with it intellectually. But if she doesn't, it's harder. I made a mistake by not setting the tone and pointing out violations of submission and respect early on, but I eventually realized that. It's usually only an issue when my wife is under stress. If she's too bossy or disrespectful in the dating relationship when she's supposed to be on her best behavior, that's a warning sign. If she is very respectful and deferent to her father (male authority figure) that is a good sign.
If a Christian woman has damaging 'feminist' type thinking, and won't change when you point out what the Bible says, IMO, that's a good sign to let go of that relationship. For me, it would be a deal breaker. For example, if she bucked against the idea of submission, quoting ideas she heard on the Oprah Winfrey show. Or if she said she didn't want to take her husband's last name because she wanted to be independent, that could be a deal-breaker. Exceptions would be women from cultures with other customs, and maybe celebrities whose names are worth real money. (I probably wouldn't consider a Hollywood actress for a wife anyway if I were single.)
Divorce-- you have to find a woman who is anti-divorce. A lot of evangelical churches are soft on divorce or just don't talk about it or teach on the subject. Like feminism, those who preach and teach may be afraid of stepping on toes. Find out under what circumstances a potential marriage partner agrees with divorce, and if she is too 'liberal' about it, and won't change her thinking in light of scripture, that is a definite reason to break it off, IMO, a really big deal breaker. A woman might allow for divorce for adultery or abuse. But if she allows for divorce if she isn't happy, or if you just grow apart, and won't change her beliefs when you show her what Jesus and Paul said, it's not worth it. Find someone else who can commit for life. I found out my wife's beliefs about divorce in greater detail after our engagement during some brief marriage counseling sessions. The preacher asked her if I cheated on her, what would she do. I hadn't asked her about it because I am so committed to not doing that, and I was (purposefully) a virgin at marriage.
If I had it to do over again, before engagement, I'd have asked her about that, not about me, but about some other couple I knew or read about. You can tell your potential spouse about a woman whose husband cheated on her once, repented before the Lord, and wanted her to stay with him. What would be the best thing for the wife to do? I'd also ask about domestic violence. Suppose a husband and wife argue and the husband punched his wife once. Should they divorce? Is she allowed to remarry if she divorces him over that? I've been married for ten years and never did anything like that to my wife, and I'm not encouraging that. But if you ask a question like this of a woman and she thinks it's best if a wife reconciles with her husband, that shows at least in her mind she is committed to marriage. If she thinks the woman must divorce after a one off incident, I'd be a bit concerned. You could ask about different scenarios over time. Too much talk on these topics could creep her out, though.
You could also ask her about the idea that wives can divorce their husbands over porn. If she thinks if her husband looks at a Playboy, she can divorce him (over 'adultery in the heart'), she might divorce you if you look at the waitress the wrong way. Adultery in the heart is a sin against the Lord, but husband and wife are one in body. Physically having sex with a prostitute makes a man one in body with her (I Corinthians 6.) It doesn't say that about the eye or the mind. If you have a porn problem, deal with it fast and don't subject a wife too it. But I think it's good to talk a lot about the topic with a woman to make sure she doesn't easily justify divorce, especially divorce and remarriage.
Another thing to discuss is I Corinthians 7. Does she think a wife should render 'due benevolence' whenever the wife feels like it, or whenever the husband feels like it. IMO, the A+ answer for her perspective is whenever either one wants to. There are other Biblical and ethical issues to consider (e.g. menstruation, health issues), but those issues aside, a potential marriage partner should take the responsibility to render 'due benevolence' in marriage seriously. That doesn't mean she won't also enjoy it and consider it a fun thing. Some women may never have been taught on this topic or considered I Corinthians 7 carefully. So she may need some instruction on the matter to help her form her own understanding and philosophy of the issue. A fornicating man may look for a woman with the same drive as himself. But how many men lament that their wives were very interested and eager before marriage, but all that went away after they tied the man down in marriage? If a woman is a virgin, her 'drive' may not be apparent, but if you both agree on the same expectations (meet each other needs and desires), IMO, that can go a lot farther than trying to 'take the care for a test drive.' I've never done the 'test drive' thing since my wife and I were virgins at marriage. If you both know how you are supposed to act in regard to 'due benevolence', then if some biological or emotional issue gets in the way, you should be in agreement to work on improving things.
Money is the other big issue couples argue about. You can talk about who manages the money in marriage. This could fall under the submission discussion if the man wants to manage the money. You should also discuss whether she will work or stay at home. Do you want to live in the same place? Talk about financial and practical issues.
I believe it is possible to go into a typical evangelical church that is effected a bit by Feminism, and still find a woman who would make a good 'nonfeminist'...but very feminine bride. If it isn't working for you, Asia has more women than the US. You have to be selective there, too. Africa and Latin American have women, too. Nationality doesn't guarantee what kind of woman you will get. In the US, there are different churches and subcultures. Maybe you could find a traditional ex-Amish girl, or a Mennonite. There are patriarchal, sexual purity, and patriarchal church movements. You can go to conferences and ask fathers to court their daughters. You could marry one of those young virgins who have been trained to be perfect wives, cooking meals from scratch and making candles out of bees wax, and doting on your every word. If you hit it off with a girl like that, she might make you a good non-feminist wife. But she and her dad would probably want her to have someone very serious about his faith, so it probably won't work for the typical American guy.
For a lot of Christian men, a life without companionship and at least attempts at reproduction just don't cut it. Fornication is not an option. Marriage is the Biblical alternative. So these men must seek marriage. If marrying a feminist isn't an option, don't marry a feminist. Don't marry someone who adopts the dominant national culture.
