Feeling a need for male attention, what to do?

[answers]

Hello,

I have been married for my entire adult life and the vast majority has not been in a a marriage where we are one. He was an only child and I was the oldest, so needless to say I care and give and he takes and lives obliviously. We have gone to marriage counseling. We share three kids.

So, what exactly is my problem? Well, he just does not give me enough attention. He never carries conversation unless I listen to him only. He does not show interest in me or things I enjoy. We always do what he wants. He does not respect me or my wishes. I mean, he will walk in a store and let the door hit me, but stand for awkward amounts of time to hold for another woman. Which, I have brought to his attention and his response was something like, okay so I won't open the door for other women, what? Not what I meant at all. Or if I say he is so much nicer in front of people than with just me, his response is well I won't be nice to other people. What? I always explain that is not my agenda and I would like him to show chivalry to others and me.

I feel, I have to constantly bring me to his attention and even that does not help much. The only time he thinks of me is when he needs to have sex. That attention lasts for like three days at the most. Then I get zip for attention and interaction for like three weeks

I find myself wishing that some man would show interest in me, so I could have a man's companionship and friendship. I have never gotten along well with women. I know that my wanting another man's attention is WRONG, but I am a stay at home mom, I do not have any friends, but him and I have been neglected for years and want some attention. Nothing physical, just communication, and friendship. Any suggestions? I pray for this regularly and cannot seem to find answers. I have told my husband all this and he does not say anything about it.

I cannot live the rest of my life closed up, I am losing me in this journey. I do not want to be a zombie going through the motions. Help.....

Thanks to you all for taking the time to read my ridiculous plea for attention.

 

[Mammachickadee]

Hello,

I have been married for my entire adult life and the vast majority has not been in a a marriage where we are one. He was an only child and I was the oldest, so needless to say I care and give and he takes and lives obliviously. We have gone to marriage counseling. We share three kids.

So, what exactly is my problem? Well, he just does not give me enough attention. He never carries conversation unless I listen to him only. He does not show interest in me or things I enjoy. We always do what he wants. He does not respect me or my wishes. I mean, he will walk in a store and let the door hit me, but stand for awkward amounts of time to hold for another woman. Which, I have brought to his attention and his response was something like, okay so I won't open the door for other women, what? Not what I meant at all. Or if I say he is so much nicer in front of people than with just me, his response is well I won't be nice to other people. What? I always explain that is not my agenda and I would like him to show chivalry to others and me.

I feel, I have to constantly bring me to his attention and even that does not help much. The only time he thinks of me is when he needs to have sex. That attention lasts for like three days at the most. Then I get zip for attention and interaction for like three weeks

I find myself wishing that some man would show interest in me, so I could have a man's companionship and friendship. I have never gotten along well with women. I know that my wanting another man's attention is WRONG, but I am a stay at home mom, I do not have any friends, but him and I have been neglected for years and want some attention. Nothing physical, just communication, and friendship. Any suggestions? I pray for this regularly and cannot seem to find answers. I have told my husband all this and he does not say anything about it.

I cannot live the rest of my life closed up, I am losing me in this journey. I do not want to be a zombie going through the motions. Help.....

Thanks to you all for taking the time to read my ridiculous plea for attention.

Soooo familiar.
1. You must recognize that you are an individual, valued in God's sight, who is responsible for your actions and attitudes and yours alone
2. You must recognize that any spirit of discontentment is not from God and can/should be ameliorated through prayer, love, and humility
3. You must step outside the situation and recognize what is actually going on here. Men and women are two totally different persons... and once you realize how wonderfully men and women are made you will become less unsettled
4. You must put such time wasted on griping toward something useful that is less damaging to your relationship. Your issue right now isn't so much that your husband is being negligent as much as it is feeling incensed by YOUR unmet expectations. You need to ask the Lord for peace and healing before those unmet expectations turn into a bitter tap root that cuts through the heart of your marriage.
I would highly recommend looking into two things: What Did You Expect? by Paul Tripp, and Learning to Live with Unmet Expectation by Lisa Hughes

 

[kenisyes]

Mammachickadee is right. I don't think my wife ever got through to me 100% or I to her, but she never stopped trying and I never stopped trying, to tell each other what we needed, and to give each other what they needed. The decision to never stop trying to solve the problems together, proved to be the greatest love of all.

 

[Lucy68]

You are not alone in this struggle. You're right about having thoughts of other men...it is dangerous and smells of smoke. Being on your guard against this is definitely necessary. Satan will try to get us to fall into sin wherever we are the most vulnerable.

Keep talking to your husband. He's probably listening more than you think he is. Sometimes the male ego doesn't want to admit when he is wrong. Gentle prodding of your relationship into smoother sailing, together, will pay off! Continue to plan for activities that you do together...without guilt trips. Men really DO NOT respond well to guilt trips. I've finally learned this . Point out the benefits of doing fun things together...it's a great way to relieve stress. Include the children but also do things just you two. Raising a family is EXTREMELY STRESSFUL. It's good to remember that someday the children will be gone, and then it will be just you two again.

My husband and I had some repair work to do after our children's teenage years...rebellion is not fun to deal with. Now that they are adults and our responsibility is mostly over, we are free to enjoy each other again. Does that sound pessimistic? I hope not; but it was the reality in our family. We love our children immensely and give them as much direction and encouragement that we can, but it's a great feeling to hand over their self-responsibility to them.

So don't give up! Stay close to Christ and He will lead you through this.

Some practical things that helped me with my relationship with my husband was:
-letting him know how much I respect him
-letting him know how much I appreciate his working for the family's support (I'm a stay-at-home mom too)
-letting him know that I enjoy his company

I had built up some resentments toward him that I had to get rid of. Joyce Meyer's book "Battlefield of the Mind" was a big help for me. It isn't a marriage book but it applies to all aspects of our lives...resentment is deadly .

Praying for you and your family...love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,gentleness, self-control (Galations 5:22) .

 

[Ariel82]

Your husband can't be your everything.

you need to have some friends. Female ones would be preferable in that you won't be tempted to give them the affection you should be keeping for your husband.

perhaps you should seek counseling to see why you don't feel comfortable having female friends?

 

[answers]

Your husband can't be your everything.

you need to have some friends. Female ones would be preferable in that you won't be tempted to give them the affection you should be keeping for your husband.

perhaps you should seek counseling to see why you don't feel comfortable having female friends?

It is not that I am not comfortable having female friends, more that I have never met any I enjoy their company. I do not like things they seem to like and so on. This has been like this my entire life. I cannot stand shopping, do not have a materialistic bone in my body, do not care to gossip, do not want to solely talk about the kids comparisons, and do not care for decor stuff. I have tried with all types of women at church, my kids school, parks, and so on to have conversations and get to know them and that is what the conversations basically are. One time, I counted how many times materials were mentioned in a group conversation and I lost track because it seemed to not stop. I just find it annoying, so it makes it hard to have friends. Men, have better topics and conversate more obnoxious which is entertaining and they are not too afraid to be themselves. This is more me.

I totally agree about the possibility of giving my husbands attention to a male friend. He was my male friend and then about ten years ago started to drift away from me. Now, I am friendless I am BORED, LONELY, and I would like to feel heard and not invisible. That is why I thought I would come here for suggestions.

Thanks for the response!

 

[lcerveny]

It's the Devil. Pray for your husband. Prayer is POWERFUL!!!

 

[answers]

It's the Devil. Pray for your husband. Prayer is POWERFUL!!!

I will continue to pray. This has gotten so bad even with prayer that I feel a distant feeling lingering in my faith. That is my biggest concern and the reason I am reaching out for assistance. I guess after more than a decade of praying for the same stuff and your spouse not appearing receptive it gets to you. I will continue to exist and pray out for guidance and help for myself and husband.
Thank you

 

[overthechill]

Hi Answers - The sad part of this is that you sound like a really intelligent dedicated mom and family woman who's dummy of a husband doesn't seem to appreciate. It's unfair and is totally ridiculous that you have to get on some chat site to look for friends just because you need companionship and adoration you should have gotten from him to begin with. I understand completely. And quite frankly, the advice you've been given is outstanding but largely hollow for you today - this day - this hour. It also seems that these computers we're facelessly typing on have opened up the entire world to each and every one of us and we can't find a single friggin' person to talk with.

I have been married 30+ years and to this day I would still do anything for her. Climb any mountain, fight any foe, give any gift at all, save her before me, give her the bigger slice of pie, go out in the rain and pull the truck around, go get groceries, try not to wake her, it wouldn't matter. The truly mysterious thing about this is that I have no idea why I feel this way except that I love her and am amazed by her just about every day.

You seem to me to be a person that likes to help those folks who are disadvantaged. Am I wrong? Then I hope you go home tonight and do something special for your blind husband. Might help his sight after a while.

 

[AgeofKnowledge]

Wow. You are the perfect codependent. Why should anyone change when they are waited on hand and foot and can let the door slam on their wife as they run over to open the door for another woman and never experience any consequence for such selfish callous behavior.

The problem, of course, is his immaturity and ignorance combining with your codependence.

He's not thinking about what it would be like to live alone in a studio apartment without his family receiving court ordered child support bills in his mailbox and told that "maybe" he can see his children the weekend after next.

Are you young men paying attention yet? That's your future at some point if you treat your wife like the day before yesterday's leftovers.

Wake up!

My advice to you ma'am, is to begin attending a Celebrate Recovery self-help group faithfully for codependence. Make a five year commitment:

Celebrate Recovery | Freedom From CoDependency

I would bet money that at the end of the five years, you have a radically different marriage situation.

Hello,

I have been married for my entire adult life and the vast majority has not been in a a marriage where we are one. He was an only child and I was the oldest, so needless to say I care and give and he takes and lives obliviously. We have gone to marriage counseling. We share three kids.

So, what exactly is my problem? Well, he just does not give me enough attention. He never carries conversation unless I listen to him only. He does not show interest in me or things I enjoy. We always do what he wants. He does not respect me or my wishes. I mean, he will walk in a store and let the door hit me, but stand for awkward amounts of time to hold for another woman. Which, I have brought to his attention and his response was something like, okay so I won't open the door for other women, what? Not what I meant at all. Or if I say he is so much nicer in front of people than with just me, his response is well I won't be nice to other people. What? I always explain that is not my agenda and I would like him to show chivalry to others and me.

I feel, I have to constantly bring me to his attention and even that does not help much. The only time he thinks of me is when he needs to have sex. That attention lasts for like three days at the most. Then I get zip for attention and interaction for like three weeks

I find myself wishing that some man would show interest in me, so I could have a man's companionship and friendship. I have never gotten along well with women. I know that my wanting another man's attention is WRONG, but I am a stay at home mom, I do not have any friends, but him and I have been neglected for years and want some attention. Nothing physical, just communication, and friendship. Any suggestions? I pray for this regularly and cannot seem to find answers. I have told my husband all this and he does not say anything about it.

I cannot live the rest of my life closed up, I am losing me in this journey. I do not want to be a zombie going through the motions. Help.....

Thanks to you all for taking the time to read my ridiculous plea for attention.

 

[Mammachickadee]

Hi Answers - The sad part of this is that you sound like a really intelligent dedicated mom and family woman who's dummy of a husband doesn't seem to appreciate. It's unfair and is totally ridiculous that you have to get on some chat site to look for friends just because you need companionship and adoration you should have gotten from him to begin with. I understand completely. And quite frankly, the advice you've been given is outstanding but largely hollow for you today - this day - this hour. It also seems that these computers we're facelessly typing on have opened up the entire world to each and every one of us and we can't find a single friggin' person to talk with.

I have been married 30+ years and to this day I would still do anything for her. Climb any mountain, fight any foe, give any gift at all, save her before me, give her the bigger slice of pie, go out in the rain and pull the truck around, go get groceries, try not to wake her, it wouldn't matter. The truly mysterious thing about this is that I have no idea why I feel this way except that I love her and am amazed by her just about every day.

You seem to me to be a person that likes to help those folks who are disadvantaged. Am I wrong? Then I hope you go home tonight and do something special for your blind husband. Might help his sight after a while.

Regardless of her husband's actions and state, SHE is only responsible for her own actions as an individual and believer in Christ. Never use the "I did this because someone else did that" excuse.

 

[answers]

Hi Answers - The sad part of this is that you sound like a really intelligent dedicated mom and family woman who's dummy of a husband doesn't seem to appreciate. It's unfair and is totally ridiculous that you have to get on some chat site to look for friends just because you need companionship and adoration you should have gotten from him to begin with. I understand completely. And quite frankly, the advice you've been given is outstanding but largely hollow for you today - this day - this hour. It also seems that these computers we're facelessly typing on have opened up the entire world to each and every one of us and we can't find a single friggin' person to talk with.

I have been married 30+ years and to this day I would still do anything for her. Climb any mountain, fight any foe, give any gift at all, save her before me, give her the bigger slice of pie, go out in the rain and pull the truck around, go get groceries, try not to wake her, it wouldn't matter. The truly mysterious thing about this is that I have no idea why I feel this way except that I love her and am amazed by her just about every day.

You seem to me to be a person that likes to help those folks who are disadvantaged. Am I wrong? Then I hope you go home tonight and do something special for your blind husband. Might help his sight after a while.

Thank you for your acknowledgement. I do wish he would give me that same respect. I love him so much, I do believe I hurt my existence with him. Our christian counselor told me I need to stand up for myself. He even told me to curse every once in awhile, strange. When he asked my husband what I do wrong, annoying, or that he simply does not like, my husband told him he could not think of anything. I complained about myself more than he did. Sorry for rambling. Back to my point.

I injured my knee this past weekend and I have been needing to get things done in and around our home, so I took your advice and went outside and began to set up pallets to make duck huts for our oldest ducks and I was outside when he came home, could you believe he asked how my knee was! I was floored, but I did not share too much. He did not respond and just went inside to work out. But, at least he asked.

I do sometimes feel even if I open up that others tend to sugar coat or give me the surface answer. All I have is time, so I think of lots and I wanted some concrete, sincere, deep, etc. suggestions. Thank you very much for yours.

Congrats to you and your wife on the 30+ years of marriage. May God continue to bless you and your family.

 

[Mammachickadee]

Is he under a lot of stress at work or financially?

 

[answers]

Wow. You are the perfect codependent. Why should anyone change when they are waited on hand and foot and can let the door slam on their wife as they run over to open the door for another woman and never experience any consequence for such selfish callous behavior.

The problem, of course, is his immaturity and ignorance combining with your codependence.

He's not thinking about what it would be like to live alone in a studio apartment without his family receiving court ordered child support bills in his mailbox and told that "maybe" he can see his children the weekend after next.

Are you young men paying attention yet? That's your future at some point if you treat your wife like the day before yesterday's leftovers.

Wake up!

My advice to you ma'am, is to begin attending a Celebrate Recovery self-help group faithfully for codependence. Make a five year commitment:

Celebrate Recovery | Freedom From CoDependency

I would bet money that at the end of the five years, you have a radically different marriage situation.

My problem is that I do not know what a consequence would be. I am not a two wrongs make a right type. I only have control over my behavior and choices and if I let him and his choices ruin that for me than what is the point of walking through this journey?

I do not EVER want it to get to the point of us separating, we have three kids. Yes, he knows I would never leave, he has said it many times. He has pretty much done everything negative to me that he possibly could do and yes I still remain. But, do not be mistaken I have threatened to leave and I assured him I would be okay on my own with proof. That is when we went to christian marriage counseling. I am very honest and I rarely am not in complete logical thinking. I am very intentional in everything I do and say. I have been with him since I was sixteen.

When I was sixteen, I was extremely picky about who I dated and he convinced me he would be the one for me. Once, I was with him he began to change. After about a year and a half he started to swear at me. And from that point on little by little he withdrew from me.

I am not completely innocent. When our daughter was born, I did not give him nearly enough attention. I was preoccupied and mesmerized over our little girl. I have asked him to forgive me, but I do not think he has ever truly forgiven me. I thought as long as I was never withholding myself from him that was all that mattered, but years later found out I was wrong.

Anyways, there is so much more to the story. I do not know how to have him experience consequences without harming my children in any way. I feel, I suffer consequences even when I was not in the wrong. When I try to let him see it from my point of view he turns it around onto me and I will drop it after solving my end, so it does not escalate. So, I definitely agree with your description of me.

I am going to look into this information you provided. Thank you for your time and suggestion.

 

[answers]

Is he under a lot of stress at work or financially?

Not anything more than usual. He grew up a spoiled only child and behaves for the most part that way in our marriage and as a father.

 

[Mammachickadee]

Sounds like a pretty harsh judgement, but I guess one that you can state better than most. Isn't it now usual, though, for him to be somewhat reticent? Living with a closed-off husband can be difficult to cope with, but not an occasion to be unfaithful to him. No circumstance is grounds for being unfaithful.

 

[answers]

Sounds like a pretty harsh judgement, but I guess one that you can state better than most. Isn't it now usual, though, for him to be somewhat reticent? Living with a closed-off husband can be difficult to cope with, but not an occasion to be unfaithful to him. No circumstance is grounds for being unfaithful.

I am not passing a judgement, that is how he would describe himself. I mean I could come up with a very detailed opinion of my own, but I chose to go with his and his families opinion.

I never said I want to be unfaithful, just that I am craving attention. Not, physical! In no way do I want to get emotionally connected to anyone other than my husband. Also, I do not think there is ever an occasion to be unfaithful. My purpose was to find others who may have solid suggestions, just in case I have not tried hard enough or did not think of them.
My husband has been unfaithful in our relationships past and I do not think there was a reason to do so. I would never be so foolish.
I want a friend who is receptive, compassionate, considerate, thoughtful, respectful, in-gaged, selfless, and alive; preferably my husband.

 

[jeremyd]

Hello,

I have been married for my entire adult life and the vast majority has not been in a a marriage where we are one. He was an only child and I was the oldest, so needless to say I care and give and he takes and lives obliviously. We have gone to marriage counseling. We share three kids.

So, what exactly is my problem? Well, he just does not give me enough attention. He never carries conversation unless I listen to him only. He does not show interest in me or things I enjoy. We always do what he wants. He does not respect me or my wishes. I mean, he will walk in a store and let the door hit me, but stand for awkward amounts of time to hold for another woman. Which, I have brought to his attention and his response was something like, okay so I won't open the door for other women, what? Not what I meant at all. Or if I say he is so much nicer in front of people than with just me, his response is well I won't be nice to other people. What? I always explain that is not my agenda and I would like him to show chivalry to others and me.

I feel, I have to constantly bring me to his attention and even that does not help much. The only time he thinks of me is when he needs to have sex. That attention lasts for like three days at the most. Then I get zip for attention and interaction for like three weeks

I find myself wishing that some man would show interest in me, so I could have a man's companionship and friendship. I have never gotten along well with women. I know that my wanting another man's attention is WRONG, but I am a stay at home mom, I do not have any friends, but him and I have been neglected for years and want some attention. Nothing physical, just communication, and friendship. Any suggestions? I pray for this regularly and cannot seem to find answers. I have told my husband all this and he does not say anything about it.

I cannot live the rest of my life closed up, I am losing me in this journey. I do not want to be a zombie going through the motions. Help.....

Thanks to you all for taking the time to read my ridiculous plea for attention.

I love this post. I am sorry for your disposition however. I know their are a few different schools-of-thought here, so i'll be short.

First, It's important to make sure their aren't any addictions. That's a given. Second, Mammachickadee's advice about separating yourself, learning about your identity, and asking God to work on heart-issues is right. However, he is displaying controlling behavior and manipulating you as well, so you'll have to ask God specifically for help here and learn to put a stop to the abuse.(Also investigate your own part in those sinful tactics) I agree with AgeofKnowledge as well, you are enabling his behavior, and might benefit from a recovery or renewal program offered at a church that deals with that and everything else.

Dealt with in a biblical manner, it can eventually lead you to a greater understanding that extends beyond the different standards. I know the bible puts it straight forward, that their isn't a woman or man alive who doesn't struggle with pain. And as you apply God's truth through the pain, He will give you His strength to confess, understand, and confront issues. I'm glad you came to us.

God Bless

 

[shrimp]

Soooo familiar.
1. You must recognize that you are an individual, valued in God's sight, who is responsible for your actions and attitudes and yours alone
2. You must recognize that any spirit of discontentment is not from God and can/should be ameliorated through prayer, love, and humility
3. You must step outside the situation and recognize what is actually going on here. Men and women are two totally different persons... and once you realize how wonderfully men and women are made you will become less unsettled
4. You must put such time wasted on griping toward something useful that is less damaging to your relationship. Your issue right now isn't so much that your husband is being negligent as much as it is feeling incensed by YOUR unmet expectations. You need to ask the Lord for peace and healing before those unmet expectations turn into a bitter tap root that cuts through the heart of your marriage.
I would highly recommend looking into two things: What Did You Expect? by Paul Tripp, and Learning to Live with Unmet Expectation by Lisa Hughes

I like this very much but if you don't mind I would like to interject some advice, chickadee.
Recognize the difference between a man and a woman. Men are like oxen in a china shop, women are like butterflies. women love to vocalize things, men are mostly too prideful to.
Compliment him. Even if it's on something small. Men like that. It helps show love.
Instead of taking the complaint approach, when you notice something that he does or does not do try saying something like this: "Honeybuns, when you ignore me for long periods of time, I feel rejected and unwanted." And nothing else that puts it in his court, wait for his response. then try not to be defensive or offensive, but make suggestions that you think will solve the problem. Also, pray. Pray like your life depended on it, because it does.
I hope things work out for you. God Bless.

 

[onlinebuddy]

Appreciate your honesty, and sorry about the way you feel about your marriage. Well, all I can say is, "Welcome to the Club."
My wife and I are poles apart in most areas. Nevertheless, I make it a point to find common ground and work things from there on. I can't have everything I want, but I'm grateful for the things that we have in common- especially Christ.