Affair with married man

confused6238 · Aug 19, 2013

I have been married for 6 years and have an amazing husband and 20 month old son. I have been having an affair with a married friend of mine since January and I want to stop because I do not want to lose or hurt my family. Although I am a Christian, I have unfortunately not been as close to God as I should be/would like to be since getting married. I need prayers and guidance to help me end this affair. This man is a good friend of mine and I work with him daily so it is very hard to end because I am always around him. Relocating is not an option as I just bought a house in March and I am the primary source of income so I can't afford to leave my job. I also am struggling because I love this other man (in a different way then my husband) and I feel that I need him in my life, even if it is just as friends. Any advice? Prayers please.

MissCris · Aug 19, 2013

I think I'm a little confused on what it is you really want here...do you want advice on how to REALLY stop seeing the other guy, or do you want advice on how to keep both him and your husband?

The answer should be clear, really-stop seeing the other man. So what if you work together? Stop talking to him, don't take calls or texts or emails from him, cut him off in every way possible. Find out if you can be transferred to any other area at your work. Tell your husband what you've done. Get right with God. You can't have both a good marriage AND this other guy in your life. It's obviously not working, or you wouldn't be here asking for help. The things I mentioned above can help you sort out your life, but there's no guarantee that your husband will forgive you for this- that, I will definitely pray for you about. I'll pray for this whole mess.

Please do what you know is right.

santuzza · Aug 19, 2013

Completely cut it off! Now! You cannot be friends with him. It's unfortunate that you have to work with him, but keep as much distance as possible from him. Perhaps you can ask your boss to move your desk/office so you do not have to encounter him as much.

Your marriage can survive this, but you must stop right now. Any time you feel yourself wanting to be with this man, take out your Bible instead and just read -- doesn't matter what -- just read!

You need to go to Christian counseling immediately as well. You need to get back to your relationship with God. You must repent, confess, and ask for forgiveness and guidance.

Will be praying for your restoration!

danschance · Aug 19, 2013

confused6238 said:

I don't know if I can be of any help as I am a married man who has been separated for nearly four years after my daughters read her texts to a man that included kissing. I hope you end it soon because divorce, espacially with a child can be bitter and painful.

You might try a marriage counselor.

tiffanystx · Aug 19, 2013

Realize where this could lead--- to a lot of unhappiness for those involved. For some reason, something is attracting you to risky behavior. You could lose a lot; your husband, go through an ugly custody battle, possibly your job? This is not a 'good friend' by definition -- otherwise, he wouldn't have allowed it to happen. I assume he knows you're married, and he's OK with you messing around. Sounds like a great guy.

Getting married so young, you may have not been ready to make such a serious commitment as marriage. You have a child to think about, so you are going to have to make some decisions that are right by him. What would those be?

maryannar · Aug 19, 2013

Confused: though I do agree w/the other 2 responses, I think it will be very difficult to do so while you're in this separated state with the Lord. Whether or not your feelings of separation from The Father was before or after you began is affair, if you're serious about a resolution then you need to begin with Him.
Do you have a church? I ask you make every effort to begin seeking counseling from your pastor. When someone drifts off in a marriage and engages in an extra-marital affair, this is often to past wounds. And Jesus wants to heal and restore you, as well as your marriage.
And you will need to confess to your actions to your husband. Maybe you want speak w/your pastor first, but regardless, you have to be forthcoming to him now.
Our God is a God of restoration. He wants to bless the wounded and hurt. Seek Him and a trustworthy pastor/counselor to begin putting the pieces back together again. I bless you.

Mammachickadee · Aug 19, 2013

confused6238 said:

Yours may seem a grievous situation to come out of... but if you are willing to do all that is necessary to be completely accountable your marriage will be strengthened. God saved you from sins like this, and now He waits for you to turn from the sin and come back to him. Obviously working with this man will create too many opportunities for you to fall to temptation or your husband to continually worry about your whereabouts and activities after you tell him (which you should). I too have had to inform my husband about infidelity... a blackness brought into the marriage... and though we both mourned the presence of such a thing in our marriage, God can impart forgiveness and give your spouse a forgiving spirit.
Also, consider what it took to be unfaithful to your husband. Not only did you neglect keeping the relationship pure, but you also lost time that could have been spent with your little one. Let yourself grieve a bit, but with the understanding that after grieving comes healing; and with healing comes both happiness and greater responsibility to avoid such things. Skirt all other men but your husband with a 10 foot margin mentally and rely on God to heal your marriage. He can and will bless. And be an encouragement to your husband, hon. He needs you.

yac11 · Aug 20, 2013

confused6238 said:

Yes I have advise. Stop it now before you have to look into the eyes of your little boy and explain why mommy isn't with daddy anymore.

No man will love you more than God. Love yourself and choose God and thank him for Jesus.

kim12345 · Aug 20, 2013

Do you want to lose your little boy?? Do you want to see your little boy every two weeks?? Do you want another woman raising your son???????????? ???????it'll happen(Your husband just may divorce you and eventually remarry.)
Do Something Now or you will deeply Regret what will happen.

Pleas God help her Stop Now. Open the door for her to be removed from this mans presence and give her wise to choose that door and save her family! and to look deep in her heart what is causing her to seek this bad relationship. Put Love back in her heart for her husband In Jesus Name

Lucy68 · Aug 20, 2013

Yes, you need to end the affair and work on repairing your relationship with your husband and son. God will honor this and you will find life much more enjoyable.

Be honest with the other man. Tell him why you're ending it...because it's wrong. Working with him will be awkward for awhile and hopefully he won't retaliate. But be ready if he does. Spend time in God's Word. He will lead you out of this if you seek Him.

Do you attend church? Hearing sermons and bible lessons is highly motivating for our spirits

.

Praying for you...wisdom and guidance.

answers · Aug 20, 2013

confused6238 said:

I hear you talk about hurting your family, but what about his family? Your choice affects more than you and your husband and child. You are risking a ton to get what satisfaction? What does he bring to you that your husband does not? Did you try to talk to your husband about those things?

If you were capable of remaining friends, then why the affair?

God gives you your job, home, and family and if he was not a forgiving God he could take it all away. Your job is to obey the Lord, honor your husband, love and teach Jesus's child which he has gifted and entrusted to you. Would you want your sins to fall to your child? Or his children?

This is not a situation you should be choosing to put you, your family, him and his family through. How would you feel if your husband was having an affair with a married woman? Not a good thought....

Dear Lord Jesus,

Please open the eyes of your children who are walking blindly and carelessly through this life you have blessed them with. Please Lord open the eyes of the innocent children who are walking with the careless and shield them all from evil. Jesus resonate deep within all who is affected by this hurtful betrayal and begin to heal and restore. Allow the betrayed to forgive, but also the betraying to forgive themselves. Let the sinners awake from the devils slumber and learn what they did wrong and never make the CHOICE to fall into this temptation. Jesus, please remove any desire that hinders their spiritual growth and their honoring of their marital vows. Please Lord Jesus I pray in your name for these two families in need of your forgiveness and guidance, Amen.

intercessorginger · Aug 20, 2013

A double minded man is unstable in all his ways....James 1:8
You need to put your flesh and mind on the altar so that God can help you to change your mind about this situation.
This is adultery, nothing pretty about it and you could very well lose your family over this.
If must break it off and repent, then you will have to confess this to your husband and see if you will be able to pick up the pieces and stay together. You may have to move and change a lot of things including your job to accomplish this.
Marriages can be reconciled after a betrayal but it will take a lot of time, prayer and forgiveness.

MidniteWelder · Aug 20, 2013

confused6238 said:

This man is a good friend of mine and I work with him daily so it is very hard to end because I am always around him. your spouse should be given every opportunity to be the one who is your good friend...if he is not right at the moment, then wait
learn the virtue of patience, as opposed to wanting anything "right now",
You can only grow TOGETHER by being patient with your partner as opposed to turning to others if your partner is lacking
turning away to turn to another doesn't bond anybody
Romans 5
3And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; 4And patience, experience; and experience, hope: 5And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.
Relocating is not an option as I just bought a house in March and I am the primary source of income so I can't afford to leave my job.
---The possibility of your husband giving you the ultimatum to quit is highly likely
I also am struggling because I love this other man (in a different way then my husband) and I feel that I need him in my life, even if it is just as friends. Any advice? Prayers please.

---convincing yourself that you need another man in your life removes many opportunities for your husband being the one that you really need
And if your husband should fall short in any area, Christ should be the one to fulfill the rest

confused6238 · Aug 21, 2013

I don't go to church, no real Christian support system since I got married. My husband is a Christian but he does not believe in the idea of church so I/we stopped going. Do I have to tell him about the affair if I end it or can I just confess to God? I feel like it was my mistake and I should be the only one hurt by that decision. He doesn't deserve that. Religiously do I have to tell him?

AgeofKnowledge · Aug 21, 2013

You do realize that amongst pagan primitive savages adultery is both condemned and punished but as a violation of the husband's rights since the wife is reckoned as property which makes it theft (but aggravated theft as recompense for spoilt property is higher than if the returned chattel were unspoiled).

In some parts of Islamized Africa, it is for this reason (e.g. aggravated theft) that the seducer is punished with the loss of one or both hands as one who has perpetrated a robbery upon the owner. But serious penalties are visited upon the offending wife by her wronged spouse as well.

In many instances she is made to endure bodily mutilation as it is thought that this will prevent her being a future temptation to other men. An exception to body mutilation exists if the wronged husband freaked out and committed some form of terrible retribution upon the adulterous wife. The Laws of Manu, for example, are striking on this point.

In ancient India, a wife caught being unfaithful had to constantly worship her angry husband as a god for a period of time to mollify him. But those ancient Aryans were quite savage for if he was unmollified at the end of the period, then she was devoured by dogs in a public place.

confused6238 said:

zaoman32 · Aug 21, 2013

confused6238 said:

This is all in Gods hands. I would like to say, if you actually take care of this right away and be done, then no, you won't have to. But in all honesty, with what you said in your original post you're so attracted to this other guy that it most likely won't get taken care of over night. When we confess our sins to God we are forgiven, when we confess to each other we are healed. It may very well be that once this affair your having is taken care of, that you may be burdened by it's effect so much you HAVE to tell him.

Also there is no good reason why neither one of you are going to church. Even if he's not going, you need to get your butt up on sunday, along with your kid(s), get in the car, and go to church. IF your husband doesn't want to go, fine. He's a grown man, you can't make him, but that's no reason, or excuse for you not to.

RoboOp · Aug 21, 2013

MissCris said:

I think I'm a little confused on what it is you really want here...do you want advice on how to REALLY stop seeing the other guy, or do you want advice on how to keep both him and your husband?

The answer should be clear, really-stop seeing the other man. So what if you work together? Stop talking to him, don't take calls or texts or emails from him, cut him off in every way possible. Find out if you can be transferred to any other area at your work. Tell your husband what you've done. Get right with God. You can't have both a good marriage AND this other guy in your life. It's obviously not working, or you wouldn't be here asking for help. The things I mentioned above can help you sort out your life, but there's no guarantee that your husband will forgive you for this- that, I will definitely pray for you about. I'll pray for this whole mess.

Please do what you know is right.

Amen.

Confused6238 confess to your husband, and quit the job if that's the only way to cut that man totally out of your life.

Roots · Aug 21, 2013

Do you HAVE to confess to him? No. Should you? probably... You may feel you are sparing him pain by not telling him, but hiding something this big from him can't be helpful to your relationship. When you shine a light in the dark, it makes the darkness less scary, less powerful. Bring everything out into the open so that you are not plagued with this guilt and fear of your secret being 'found out'. You cannot do this on your own. You will need the grace of God. In the end you are accountable to God your Father and no one else. Seek him and lean on him in all of this. You will need him and his grace. He loves you and wants you to be free of all this! Your husband will have to deal with this and make his decisions and I pray that by God's grace you are able to make it through together. In order to make things work with your husband I believe you will have to cut all ties with this other man. You may have to make some big sacrifices such as changing jobs or finding another way to pay your mortgage, but you will not keep (or earn back) the trust of your husband if you continue to have contact (even professional or casual, platonic contact) with this other man. You need to weigh your options. Think about what the RIGHT thing to do is. Think about what you WANT. And decide which is most important. A moral decision that you don't like will always be better than an immoral decision that you do like..... My very best wishes to you, sister. God loves you. Turn to him. Rest in him.

jullom · Aug 21, 2013

i agree with robo on this on. confess to your husband and also to god ,and between the 3 of you, you and your husband should be able to work it out. If this is a first for you maybe your husband will forgive you for your transgressions. Also, if you and your husband are having any problems maybe try marriage counseling.

isaria · Aug 21, 2013

Agree. You should confess to your husband and stop seeing this man and make a change, move.
Pray.
It is probably not a good idea to remain friends with this man given the circumstances.
Your husband and his wife may not be to keen on that idea either.
Maybe you should all talk about it with a professional as she has a right to know also.
It is not fair on the other party to keep cheating and how long this has been going on...
Maybe you have thought about you both leaving your spouses and marrying each other instead or maybe not but you should stop cheating and the other party may know and feel what is going on so it may come as no suprise when you tell them.
They may be very miserable because of it and feel awful.
And it would be nice if you cared for them. (since you are married..)
Best wishes.

Affair with married man

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